Am I Really Selfish?

[J_trustno1]

Here is what is happening at home.

I still don't have a job so financially struggling. I do have some savings but those are from my work. I have personal costs (i.e. medication since not all my meds are subsidized, plus other costs like cloths once in a while or food).

Anyway, let's get on with what is actually happening. My mother has a house mortgage and she only has casual temporary work. They call her whenever they feel like and some weeks they don't as a result she struggles with her financies.

I used to pay her rent but now most of my has been going to my medical costs. My brother has a job but he is too busy enjoying with his friends and spending money on them. So this week she is running short of some money but I decided to help her a bit because I don't want her to struggle.

However, I have so much mental dialogue going on about this and my concerns are:

1. I'm not going be in her house forever and it's NOT my property which I need to invest in. All of this is going to be inherited by my brother so why should I waste my hard work? Most importantly I want to have a house of my own made from my hard work and therefore I DO NOT want to get something that easy (i.e. inheritance )

2. I used to give her all my wages from my child labor and I also gave her my $20000 from my savings for uni for her to buy her business. I NEVER asked her to return that money because I don't believe in taking things back once given to someone. Now I feel that if I keep giving her money like I did in the past, I will NOT have a secure future!! I feel that she is asking for too much. She has her bloody brother and sisters whom came before me then why the hell do I have to do all the cherity work for her?

3. I'm in a delima that I am being vein to her because she is struggling. I look after my costs on my terms. I am going to pay back for that car she bought for me because I don't want favors from anyone and be treated like trash like her bastard brother n sisters did for inviting us to this country.

Please tell what i should do? I am definitely paying her back for my car in installments. But am I being selfish for not giving her as much financial support when I myself is struggling? Please help because I have always been trapped in these guilt traps by her n her family and now I am sick of it!

 

[Deleted member 28986]

No. You are not selfish.

It sounds like you have already given her much more financial support that most kids give their parents. It also sounds like she has taken on more financial obligations than she is able to fulfill in her current situation.

You might know the importance of setting boundaries in order to take care of yourself. It sounds like you could be trying to assert healthy boundaries but are getting guilt trips in return. Guilt trips are a sneaky way of getting around boundaries.

Does it somehow make you noble to pay down her mortgage debt, forgoing medical treatment or going into debt yourself? Absolutely not. I think if you ask a therapist or a personal-finance forum, I'll bet you'll get similar advice: Take care of yourself. Once you find yourself on stable ground and are able to be charitable, do so if you choose.

Now I feel that if I keep giving her money like I did in the past, I will NOT have a secure future!!

Your feeling is spot on :). It's healthy to question yourself, but I think you got this one right.

—

EDIT: I missed the fact that you live there. Sorry. That changes the dynamic somewhat.

The way you describe it, the financial situation between you two has been a bit one sided. You might have done her favors and she may not have returned them, but even so, it could be reasonable for her to ask for room and board. Though reasonable, it may not seem fair or even be fair.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself first, but I don't know it's reasonable to expect free lodging, even from your own mother. Family sometimes means less than we'd hope :(.

It still sounds like your mother has too much of a financial burden, and I'd expect guilt trips even after you move out. Certainly once you move out you should feel no obligation to support her.

I assume the rent you're paying her is lower than market prices, otherwise you'd be living elsewhere . . . right? Maybe a roommate situation would be less expensive, too. Do you have a plan or timeframe to move out? Is your health such that you could move out?

 

[Fayth]

You are in no way selfish, in fact your past actions with your mother are the contrary. Your gut is giving you the right answer, care for yourself. You are a caring person and think of others which may be why you are questioning yourself. Do not accept the guilt, do not take it on period. Be comforted that you are taking care of you which is the most important thing for yourself and all those around you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yeah, I say you are selfish in that if you lived anywhere else, you'd have to pay rent. So pony up the funds and give your mother the rent she is due. You'd be laughed at if you told your landlord you didn't want to pay rent because you weren't ever going to own the place. All of your arguments are null and void as rent is pretty much a basic no matter where you go or what you do. So dig into your savings and give your mother rent money. You live there, you need to pay for it.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Solara: when did I say I am not going to help? Is this a statement coming from someone who herself does any work at home or does all the putting down on a forum? I only asked a question and that was NOT my decision. Have you ever given your all savings away when you were a teenager working overtime and doing all the shifts you could do and NOT even get any thing in return???

Seriously , I don't like picking fights with you solara please mind yourself.

 

[Anarchy]

Link Removed

it says more than I can

 

[digger]

My brother has a job but he is too busy enjoying with his friends and spending money on them.

This comes across (to me) as 'my brother could be doing more and isn't so why should I?' - What your brother chooses to do, or not do, shouldn't really be important in deciding what you choose to do, or not, for your mother.

She has her bloody brother and sisters whom came before me then why the hell do I have to do all the cherity work for her?

Same with this.
I would suggest that you look only at your own actions in this and make your decisions on what feels right or wrong for you, and let others decide their own ethics.

How selfish (or not) you feel your own choices are, isn't dependant on, or justified by, other people's choices. Just because other people aren't doing all they could to help her, doesn't mean you can't, if you want to.

What it comes down to really is you deciding for yourself whether your mother (and only her, you don't need to bring lots of other people into it) is deserving of your support. If the answer to that in your heart is that no, she isn't, you genuinely feel that you are doing/have done enough for her already, then I'd say no, that's not selfishness.
If the answer starts with 'yes, but...' or 'maybe, but....' and then deflects to what other people are doing, I think I'd look at it some more.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Whoa, don't you DARE post a question like this where you actually GIVE us the option of saying you are selfish and then turn it around and throw a hissy fit when we say yes, indeed, you ARE being selfish! You posed the question but didn't want the truth. Uhm, I think ever other PTSD on the forum will cater to such desires, but here we tell the truth.

You sit there and presume to know my situation but you know nothing about me. Check your beliefs at the door, because they are wrong. A LARGE chunk of the money I get every month goes to rent. You assume that because I live with family that I don't pay rent? Well, you know what they say when people ASSUME!

I stand by what I said. If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask the question. I'm not picking on you. You want an easy out and give a lot of excuses as to why you can't pay rent, yet your mother could go into default on her mortgage and you'd all be out on the street. Its a BIT ridiculous to say you won't pay for your current NEEDS (yes, shelter is a need) because you want to have a future. Sorry, but you need to pay for yourself here and now.

Paying for our own NEEDS is a part of being an adult, and in this post you are acting VERY childish, throwing a fit because life isn't fair. Guess what? LIFE IS NOT FAIR! You want to reason that everything should be fair and it isn't. You are not your brother. So now neither of you should pay rent to live with your mother? OK, where is the logic in all of this? Maybe its fair in your mind, but is it fair to your mother? You already stated that you aren't giving her much of anything, and won't dig into your savings.

I stand by what I said, and by the way, GROW UP. I don't coddle people. You asked if you were selfish and I said YES. (How the hell is this attacking? You asked the darn question and don't like the answer....) I will steer clear from now on as its apparent you just want support for whatever position you take, no matter what it is. Sorry, but I don't think that is actual "support".

And no offense, but you really do need to stop this "its not fair because my brother gets XYZ or doesn't have to do XYZ" thing. You're an adult, and as an adult, parents no longer have a need to treat every child equally. Some continue to try to do so, but many do not. I am not treated the same as my siblings. My younger brother does not pay rent, but do I throw a fit about it? No, I don't. My parents have given my sister money for certain things that I haven't received, but do I throw a fit about it? No. Then again, my parents have given me a lot of support in terms of helping to pay for my medical expenses and have my siblings complained that they should get equal compensation somehow? No, that would be a bit ridiculous. You have this rigid idea that everything should be "fair" in the world and between your brother and you, and it simply is not. You want to change that which you cannot change. You can go on throwing a fit about this perceived inequality, but its going to get you nowhere.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I used to pay her rent

Past tense implies that you no longer pay her rent. Pony up the money and pay the woman.

 

[Justmehere]

You asked if you were being selfish. It's a bit passive aggressive to get mad and attack someone when they share their opinion that yes, you are. If you want people to express only agreement on a large forum of people, then you should have stated so. Not ask a large community if you were being selfish or not when you don't really want answers other than no.

Your mother has paid for things for you, and you have paid for things for her. Are you being selfish to not want to pay for rent? I don't know.

I do think you are being passive aggressive with her.

You say you don't want to be paid back for the money you have given her, but you now feel like you should not have to pay rent, have her provide you free housing, because of money you have given her in the past. That is a way of her paying you back. You are getting free housing now.

Not paying rent now feels like a passive aggressive attempt to get her to indirectly make up to you for what you paid her in the past and what she has done to you in the past.

It's understandable, and justified to be so angry at her. However, going about things in passive aggressive ways rarely brings about the outcomes people really want.

Complaining about your brothers and other family members not doing more to support her feels a little like a little kid, saying, "but mom, he is not doing it."

You are right that your mother is not being fair to seek support from you. Your mother isn't fair and isn't going to be fair. You are the scapegoat of the family. Paying her rent or not isn't going to change that.

You can choose to not pay her rent. She will likely try to guilt trip you for it. You can't change her. You can only change you and build stronger walls against her guilt. You don't have to take it in.

If you don't want to pay rent, then you can choose to not do so. She can also choose to not provide free housing. You need to own your actions and your actions alone, and leave her issues to herself, including her financial struggle. She has the ability to set boundaries with you that you need to pay rent or move out. You can then choose what you want to do. You have the ability to set the boundary that you will not pay rent because of xyz reason. Then she can choose what she wants to do.

 

[Eleanor]

Here is how I look at it:

I've no idea whether you've been selfish or not. Honestly. You may be the model of generosity and giving, or a selfish baby. No way to know from here.

What I would say is that your and your family have seriously messed up boundaries, not least around money. And that the money stuff is all totally mixed up with emotional stuff and... well, it is a mess.

There is no practical way to do any "accounting" about the past that makes any sense at all. There is no way forward out of that.

SO, what you need to do is decide how to go forward in the future. Justmehere provides an excellent model of how to do that.

You seem like you all are trapped on the drama triangle in a big way. There is no way to win on the drama triangle. It is misery and more misery. You can get off. Life still sucks when you do, but it is much easier to deal with it. Justmehere describes the "off the triangle" thinking VERY well.

 

[moonbeam]

Please don't get upset with Solara for giving you a fair answer that isn't sugar coated.

As Justmehere said leave out what the rest of your family is or isn't doing. This is between you and her and you can't be responsible for their behaviour. Life isn't fair move on.

The summary I took away from your post is: You used to give your wages as a teenager (doesn't feel fair but not uncommon) and gave her $20,000 (mildly curious where you got this if you had been giving her ALL your money) to help her buy her house. A house which you live in as well. In point 3 you mention she bought you a car? Which you are paying her in installments. Which while she hasn't handed you the $20k back it does sound like she has tried to help you.

Point 2 is invalid as others say. Paying rent is a normal part of adulthood just because she is your mother (or that you gave her money to help) doesn't mean you are entitled to live there. It isn't an investment in her house, its a roof over your head.

The biggest issue I feel is that you are feeling strained financially with your own bills (medical, etc.) The strain of which is causing you frustration to have to give some to your mom when you have so little already. Especially when viewing the unfairness of your sibling.

Now you could try discussing that with her. But I would say try looking into ways to move out or draft up a more formal agreement with her regarding funds. When I lived at home, I paid rent with a set agreement price (which included utility bills) car payments (plus insurance and all that). Maybe having a formal agreement will help you with having an established boundary so she can't guilt you with money and will help her to better balance her funds to cover her mortgage. Which she really should be managing better but is a separate issue.