Am I Really That Much Out Of Line?

[TLight]

Ok, so several times now with my carer, we will be watching a movie, news, something that is traumatizing, and I start to talk and he just shuts me down. This makes me furious.

For instance, last night we are watching Oliver Stones 'Born on the 4th of July.' I'm not out of control or anything, but I do mention how many of these guys and girls are coming back all f*cked up and how I thought it was really disgusting to me to see this guy at the SuperBowl they paraded around who is the only guy with a purple heart from Afghanistan. Well, I really wasn't out of control or anything.............I did start to talk a bit about 'trauma' in general and how devastating it is. Perhaps I was passionate in my voice.

Then almost immediately, boom, he shuts down the movie, interrupts me, says his neck hurts, says I'm loud, and starts walking off to the bedroom. I felt like I ruined the entire evening. I also got furious..........your neck hurts? WHAAA, poor baby. You know what hurts in me? You know what it's friggin like to have this?
I went into a bit of a tirade about how he's always shutting me down. It makes me freaking furious. I feel like I'm being told 'get over it', 'I don't want to hear it.'

I haven't had a flashback in months. Still wake up screaming. Don't talk EVER, hardly ever about my family, my rape, nothing.............just la-te-da playing all happy and dealing with it alone!

It seems to me if someone loves you they love ALL of you, right? Why does this happen practically all the time? Oh, if I'm crying he's right there to hold and carass me and he even gets turned on and wants sex! But if I just want to talk, shout, or display any other emotion besides sadness...........he can't stand being near me.
I feel like I can't express anything. I'm not out of control raging..........just stating the facts .......the shitty facts. He doesn't want it in his life aparantly.

Have I married the wrong man?

 

[TLight]

Oh, in fact, he says I'm yelling 'at him!'
OMG, I think this is so selfish and it makes me furious and I tell him. How dare he make it about him! This is my anger and I'm not angry at him.............he takes it on and makes it about him.

Then, I'm angry at him!
I just want my day in court sometime and can't he just be a loving witness that allows me to have MY emotions and not make it about him!

This really hurts me.........I feel it is really unloving and unsupportive, especially since I haven't said a word about him at all!
I'm pissed.

 

[becvan]

Tlight I hope you've calmed down some since you posted this. Many of our loved ones just are unable to hear about our traumas or things that go along with it. Just listening to our traumas can cause secondary PTSD. Just because he doesn't or can't listen to your trauma or general trauma does not mean he doesn't love you or isn't supportive. Some people simply just can't go there.Therapists are trained to be able to deal with it and can still get sick from it. Our Supporters are not.

Also, this sounds like you were triggered and perhaps still are. Could he be shutting it down because he's trying to avoid the trigger and all that goes with it?

Just think about and maybe after it's all nice and calm in your house, try to sit down and have a discussion about it and find out what his feelings are.

bec

 

[TLight]

Thanks for offering perspective Bec. But here's a few comments;

I was absolutely not triggered. I was merely being passionate about how devastating this disorder is and I swear I only had the chance to say about two sentences.

His behavior does remind me of my brother, who actually had the gaul to tell me he can't deal with my anger.........and I swear I never ever displayed any anger around him at all. In some emails when I got into therapy I wrote a letter addressed to all my brothers and sisters about how angry I was at how they ostracized, judged, and generally treated me horribly my whole life. So my brother writes an email and says he can't deal with me and my anger. I felt so unvalidated, blamed and generally shitty again. I no longer have a relationship with any of them.

My husband's behavior reminds me of this. Just as selfish as my brother............would rather take off than be witness to someone's feelings that may make them uncomfortable.

As far as him not being able to deal with my traumas.............well, I didn't even bring any of that up prior to him behaving the way he did.

I still see this as selfish and then I really did become angry with him. So sorry I disturbed his PollyAnna reality for a moment and I was actually 'real.'

Anyway..........it has been an issue a few times. I don't feel accepted for who I am as a whole person............he only wants the parts that keep silent.
Pretty reactivating if you ask me.

 

[becvan]

I have banged my head against the wall with the exact same feelings for very similar events over the years. I still think when everything is calmer you should talk to him about it all. Your persepective, your feelings of not being accepted. Try to discover why he is doing this. You might not get anywhere, granted, but I think it's worth a shot.

I feel for you. There is nothing worse than the feeling that you as a whole are just not good enough.

bec

 

[anthony]

I have moved this, as it is not complex trauma based, it is relationship based.

Please ensure you read the sticky in the complex trauma forum before posting within it.

 

[glasgow]

Goodness Tlight, I thought I had written your complaints about family anger etc. My daughter and partner and wee baby live with me at the moment - saving for house. There are days when I just want to walk out and never come back! My daughter is from planet nightmare, and she is rude and disrespectful.
I never know what I have done and she won't discuss it with me. Her partner does not have the same problems with me, and my friends and T don't perceive me as acting weird. I am apparently fine enough to care for her 1yr old when she works - go figure? She is a psychologist and an embarrassment to herself. I'm guessing there are issues around work that scare her and I am a constant reminder of that.
We both worked in the same industry of child protection (where I got injured) and she still works there. I am almost confined to my bedroom 24hrs a day, because I have some issues with going out. It's horrible, and I wish they would hurry up and save.
My family of origin have treated me badly since I was small, I have no contact with them at all. What I hate most about that is the lack of validation that I was treated differently, and their total indifference to my well being. It triggers me big time when my daughter does the same thing. There would be no point in explaining this to my brothers and sister, because they have re-written history anyway, yet I'm the one who is supposed to be screwy, they live in la-la land.
Rant off!
Glasgow.