Am I Shortchanging Myself?

[LadyZane]

I didn't enter the professional world until almost my mid-30s, for a lot of reasons. Mostly because depression, low self-worth and lack of good social and networking skills due to severe emotional/psychological abuse growing up kept me from seeing other possibilities for myself. I waitressed and bartended, thinking that's all I was capable of. I even shortchanged myself back then, thinking that I shouldn't try to make a switch to a "nicer" bar or restaurant because I wouldn't be good enough to work there (even though I always quickly became the staff lead anywhere I worked without trying).

Now I'm a professional writer at a small marketing agency, and I'm starting to worry that I'm shortchanging myself in this field just like I have in everything else historically.

When I got out of bartending about six years ago, I first worked at a large daily deals website as a proofreader (because I thought I wasn't good enough to get hired as a writer). I knew I'd get the job, because a lot of my bar regulars worked there and recommended me. It was incredibly low-paying and menial and there was little opportunity for advancement. It was during my time at this job that I decided to start taking antidepressants and things started getting more clear for me in my life. I applied for a promotion to writer, was given the responsibilities of that job but not the title or pay raise due to internal red tape and hiring freezes. If it weren't for the antidepressants, I don't think I would have understood that this reflected the company's issues, not my own unworthiness--but I did understand it.

Then a copywriting job opened up at a marketing agency a friend worked at. It had appeal, because the content was boring, heavily regulated, and wouldn't make many creative demands on me, which I was afraid I couldn't live up to. I also knew the office culture was very positive and inclusive, which is always appealing for me because if I'm not enthusiastically welcomed and encouraged I tend to have trouble seeing how I fit into a group. I left after three years and two promotions (which I fought very hard to win), an average length of time for folks to work there. I wasn't building much of a portfolio there and doubted there was much more I'd be able to learn, so I made the choice to leave for a smaller agency that did more creative work. I knew a couple people that worked there and knew the environment was a bit toxic and competitive, but I decided I could handle it and that I'd dive into it for as long as I could stand it in order to build a better collection of portfolio pieces.

It WAS toxic and I really hated it, but I never felt like I made the wrong choice. I didn't take other people's toxic behavior to heart--not often, anyway, I mean it's hard to be completely unaffected when people actively treat you like you suck, but I did really well and I knew I was there for a reason--to get more work under my belt and to learn more about how other companies run things. I was interviewing elsewhere almost the entire time, and after 7 or 8 months I got an offer out of the blue at a different small agency where an old coworker was now working as a recruiter.

The CEO seemed down-to-earth, and he was a writer, too. The culture seemed really laid back. The work is a combination of creative and predictable, and my boss doesn't micromanage me. The trouble is, it turns out we're really just kind of a production house for another large company. I've tried to channel some of my interests and expertise into some important internal projects, but the disorganized nature of the processes here means that my input is often ignored. What's more, my boss has turned out to be a bit of a tiny dictator, fighting my ideas actively with his own, which are usually dated, disorganized and unfocused. The consensus among most employees here is there's little point to trying to push back on his ideas--he doesn't listen. So you end up just doing what he wants, even when you know it's bad, and wondering what the H he even hired you for if all he wanted was a lackey. He contradicts his own direction constantly, and and he doesn't take responsibility when things go wrong because of his ideas.

So my question is this--by staying here, am I shortchanging myself yet again? Or am I approaching professional life with unrealistic expectations? It's been about 8 or 9 months, and I fear that if I pursue something else I'll just be a perpetually dissatisfied job-hopper who never finds what I'm looking for, because I don't know a good thing when I have it. The client work here is relatively seamless, I have a lot of creative autonomy, and the hours and commute are great. On top of that, I'm attempting to write a novel in my off-time, and having a job that doesn't make intense demands helps me do that.

When I see openings at other forward-thinking small agencies in my city that do great work, the idea of applying terrifies me. Everywhere I've worked, I knew somebody. Some of these companies have People sections on their websites, and when I read about their other employees' backgrounds and interests I get so intimidated. Like other people on the forum I'm embarrassed at how long I spent without a life, achieving nothing, not believing in myself, not being myself. How can those people understand that? I didn't compose a three-part opera for beat box when I was fifteen. I never camped in the Himalayas. People like us can't talk about our "real" lives or our pasts like other people can, and it makes it so hard to fit in. Am I working where I am because it's less terrifying and demanding, or is it because on some level I believe my ideas don't really matter and I don't have anything truly valuable to offer??

Sorry this is so long. Anyone else experience growing enough outside of CPTSD/PTSD stagnation and trying to forge a career for themselves???

 

[Kintsugi]

Jamaica Kincaid was a nanny and a college drop-out who became a) a staff writer for The New Yorker, b) a successful novelist/short story/essay writer, and c) a national treasure. You don't need to camp in the Himalayas to be successful. You don't need to be in the Peace Corps, building schools in Nicaragua, or teaching English to young monks. You just need talent, skill, and experience.

You sound like you have all of those things. However, I do wonder if your current job--unfulfilling though it may be--is enabling you to do what you really want to, which is write your own novel? Then again, in writing, networking is everything, so perhaps a job move would mean better access to people who are more valuable?

I understand the shortchanging yourself thing. So much. I really want to see you rise to your full potential. It sounds like you've been kicking ass. I'm totally jealous! :)

 

[LadyZane]

You don't need to camp in the Himalayas to be successful. You don't need to be in the Peace Corps, building schools in Nicaragua, or teaching English to young monks. You just need talent, skill, and experience

Thank you so much for the encouraging words! I guess it's easy for me to accept that I have the talent and am continually working to develop better skills and more experience, even without those splashy things on my CV. I just feel that my history isolates me, socially, professionally, everything. I accept myself and I know my value as a professional -- but will anybody else? Or will I just be the weird "old" person in the office who goes to bed early and has only achieved about 60% of what people 10 years her junior have achieved??

Sigh. I go in cycles of feeling really optimistic and powerful about making progress on my novel, and periods where I feel like I'll never finish it and there's no point. One of the reasons I feel like I HAVE to do it is because I have this fantasy that it's my ticket into a world full of eccentrics and people who are actually like me, and I'll finally find where I belong. I don't think it's in the world of competitive big-city boutique marketing firms, but again, am I just shortchanging myself???? I've got no anchor, no baseline to go back and check against when things like this come up. Nobody's ever helped me build my own foundation and it feels so shaky sometimes. I second guess everything I do, my marriage, my job, everything.

 

[JrJr]

I too am lengthy with my explanations, so I will apologize prior. and probably at the end.

the fear of change, the unknown, reaching an ambitious goal in life but still be unsatisfied. So you stay. For awhile, pondering the "what ifs" and "but thens" as you grow in confidence with each step of experience from these jobs, always placed in leadership roles, never fully satisfied but uncertain if you're capable of more, be it qualifications, experience.

I grew up with a father, even my mother depending on the subject matter, that always expected the best, if you weren't then you must be punished and train, or work, harder. I never gave myself the credit, the confidence. They always wanted more: education, sports, hobbies, a mature understanding when I was too young. I found myself working jobs that pushed me too the brink, both physically and mentally, looking for me to fail so they could find my threshold. I feared failure, if I didn't succeed then I will be punished and forced to work harder. I watched my father succeed, and push through the ranks quicker than anyone had prior to his success. But in return for this success, he was neglectful, abusive, unyielding, compassion less. So I call this my fear of success. I must give up everything in return for success, which I grew up resenting, but give everything to escape punishment, which I also resent. That feeling of never being good enough is deeply rooted in me, my wife can't understand why I am never satisfied with myself.

I worked very physically and mentally tasking, some punishing, jobs most of my life, my employers always relied on me to problem solve, troubleshoot, make more efficient, make easier, be a good worker as I saw it. I thought to be an employee meant going above and beyond so that you were not punished. I still find it hard to relax at work, and not place my expectations for myself on others, I am now back to physical work. nevermind that. I am also an artist, art has always been a place of release for me. A few years ago friends of mine started a company, and hired me on as lead illustrator/ animator, I always laugh at the title they gave me because besides my boss there was no other artist but me. So I became a working artist but the company has been dissolved, I lost a lot of confidence as a result. I don't work nearly as much as I did. I think immensely about this, I feel it is because I'm always dissatisfied with my achievements and have whittled myself down again. It also could be I had to go back to a job field that traumatized me in order to help financially support my family, and took major steps backwards to me successfully living with PTSD, possibly cPTSD. It feels like it has been well over a year since the company dissolution, but only 9 months. I bounced back quicker than I expected, no longer at the traumatizing job. I have begun teaching art classes, and doing more art shows, and doing work shops. I have a goal in mind but in order to achieve it I have to first reduce my toxic thoughts of myself, believe that I do have the talent to move forward and continue my growth. never mind the uncertainties and second thoughts of my abilities. Secondly, convince my wife. My goal requires a lot of education; she see the words DEBT in bold, mostly.

She feels I should be satisfied with our life, provide a service when you know you are needed, focus on how good we have it. She also felt, I just found out tonight, that my employment at the company I did animations and illustrations for was a joke, a pipe dream. I was feeling confident about pursuing a more art based career, use my intellect and creativity to satisfy a large portion of adult life, work. Too feel passionately for a position. A job is more satisfying when you can put a piece of yourself into a project. I learned and felt that working for my friends. It is hard to replace that feeling, once you have tasted it. It certainly will not be replaced by building pallets in a warehouse day in and out.

Here I sit now with my will to persist even through my wife's thoughts and my fear of success.

We've all been put through our own personal hell, it is hard to express to my wife how elated I am if I didn't have toxic thoughts , anxiety, attacks, flashbacks, I actually fell asleep quickly or slept more than 2 hours. I have put myself through danger many times for my family to move forward monetarily, now my health mentally is very important to me. We are not rich, by americans standards, I need to be happy with a large portion of my adult life, if I am going to be able to take strides in the most important part of my life, family and mental stability.

My question for you would be, if you have achieved success in various locations, why not try another? I say this because you may have known people at these companies but you did the work to get yourself there, the persons you knew where sole a wedge in the door. Especially after, and still, working in the toxic work environments I am reading about. I completely empathize with you second guessing any movement, decision, comparing your life to others; second guessing life in general. But, if you truly want to see how much you can grow you have to face what you're intimidated by. I would and I am saying if you have proved your worth to all these other companies, now show yourself. . As a fellow artist, I'm not a writer but writers having the power of words to imprint a vision, I know what it means to continue growth. Do it for yourself, it just takes a step at a time. "Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward." funny quote I read a time ago that made me laugh. I was relating it to PTSD then but i feel it fits here. there is only progression or digression. With mental illness every day can be a struggle but I like the idea of progress better.


sorry I always start with a point with messages or emails. If I could print them off and make notes, grammar marks, questions, so I am for certain that the point I am trying to conve sings through, I would.

In short, and probably better.

your previous employment experiences show that you are a capable writer. You feel you have room for growth, which is always great for artists/ writers to have, and by taking the next step you can achieve that progressive movement to prove to yourself that your life experiences may be a hindrance in the form of PTSD but it cannot keep you from the success you desire.

 

[LadyZane]

My question for you would be, if you have achieved success in various locations, why not try another

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I've never really thought to put it that way. Sure the more experience you get, the more you start understanding what you're capable of, and the more confident you feel to try something different--but I've never been able to apply that to what I see as BIG leaps in career and personal achievement. You're right, if I'm going to grow I have to face what's intimidating, whether it's other people at a new office or the daunting task of finishing a manuscript (still not convinced I can pull that one off, ha).

What industry was your friends' business in? Can you use your experience there as a stepping stone to a similar job in a similar industry? Or try and build up a few freelance clients and build more experience? I know freelancing is REALLY hard around a full-time job and I didn't even have a family, which makes it even harder to carve out the time, but maybe just a few hours here and there?

As someone who spent most of my life on menial jobs, I can't tell you how relieved I am to be doing what I do now, even if it's sometimes un-thrilling. It took years of building up enough of a freelance portfolio around my other jobs to be able to "fake" my way into jobs that would give me a real portfolio and real knowledge. And if I hadn't spent years churning out copy on deadlines for clients, I never would have learned I could do it or developed the skills to even dream of writing a novel. I'm sorry your wife isn't quite as supportive as you'd like her to be--but you shouldn't let that talk you into giving up!

 

[JrJr]

Well, If you have the willpower to freelance, I have the utmost assurance you have the will to power yourself into the job. Freelancing is a difficult market, I've only supplemented my income with art commissions, never did I fully jump into the freelance pool.
They were a production and entertainment company. My portion was to animate whatever they told me too, mostly video game graphics,short animations, commercials and do illustration work. I did work on a few logos but graphic design really wasn't my favorite work to be handed. if I wasn't working on video game stuff or a cartoon, I ran the audio recording equipment when they were filming. I did that a lot haha. My wife is just nervous about any idea, or change really. The job I have now is the 3rd job I've had in 6 months, everything associated with PTSD has been going off the deep end a fair amount these past few months. She just wants me to have a solid plan.

 

[hithere]

I didn't enter the professional world until almost my mid-30s, for a lot of reasons. Mostly because de...

I would like to respond to this, but it's making me really sad. I'm learning to cry, so maybe I'll first sit here and cry about all the issues of loss this post brings up for me. Then I'll respond later. Meanwhile, I think you have been doing amazing, and I think you will most likely make the best choices for your work.

 

[LadyZane]

I would like to respond to this, but it's making me really sad. I'm learning to cry, so maybe I'll firs...

I'm sorry this brought up difficult stuff for you. I know how it feels though to run across something that hits so close to home you have to drop what you're doing and process it sometimes for a long stretch. When you feel able to respond please do as I'd love to hear your input and experiences.