Am I Suicidal? What Are Suicidal Thoughts? Very Confused.

[bluedressinggown]

Thanks @Hashi sorry for being bad tempered I am extremely sensitive and just desperate for help. I spoke to the therapist tonight and he is shocked that the phone service can't offer me anything and says he will look into other services like Mind charity to see if they can provide mental health nurses. I won't see him until the end of next week now- but I will ask him again about other coping skills.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am sorry that you're going through this. I'm not an expert, but I think that if you're having such thoughts, then yes, they are in the realm of "suicidal thoughts". I'm not trying to scare you. Suicidal thoughts don't always come in the form of "I want to kill myself". I don't agree with whomever told you that this is "normal" because if these were "normal" thoughts then the act of suicide would be ok....see where I'm going with this?

I have had those thoughts where I wanted to hurt myself. I mean thoughts of just wanting to jump off a third story balcony, but not consciously thinking "I want to die". These thoughts aren't "normal" and yes, when you learn coping skills you'll be able to fend them off easier, and you won't feel compelled to act on these thoughts.

I think you're experiencing what I like to refer to as "all or nothing thinking in the world of psychiatry and mental health" Don't feel bad, I've had professionals do it to me! What I mean is that you say "oh, well I'm functioning on XYZ level, so I must be ok" Well, the thing is that you don't have to be a complete basket case in order to have a mental health issue. Just because you can go out in society and appear just fine doesn't mean that everything IS fine.

Me? I can make myself look fabulous, I can act completely normal in public, and nobody knows I am dealing with PTSD. I even had a community mental health program kick me out, one of the reasons for kicking me out was because I looked too good. So yeah, I guess I try too hard? (Edited to add, I don't actually think I'm so fabulous, rather, I try REALLY hard to look my best so that I can hide all of the bad stuff. I'm probably overcompensating...)Anyway, the truth of the matter is that I have been declared completely and totally disabled by two separate government agencies, and my social security papers say "recovery not expected" If you casually met me in public, you'd be surprised to learn the truth. So my point is that yes, we can appear "fine" on many levels, but that doesn't mean that there isn't an issue, or that because we appear "fine" that we should just ignore other issues. It's not a matter of the good being able to outweigh the bad. You kind of need to deal with the bad as well.

 

[bluedressinggown]

@solera. I have been refreshing the page all night in the hope of helpful messages. I have got lots of helpful messages but I must say that was a great response and I can not thank you enough.

 

[bluedressinggown]

sorry... I meant @Solara xx

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((bluedressinggown)))
I admire the fact that you are reaching out, because that is so VERY important in mental health. When our 'bad' thoughts are allowed to go around and around with no outlet, they seem to grow, like an abscess forming from a wound. My friends and I call it "running around in your head, without adult supervision! Keeping the thoughts to yourself is NOT good! Even if you only write them here, it will help!

I would be suspicious about the fluoxetine. You said you felt euphoric for the first few days then dropped into the thoughts of suicide.. Actually, you should NOT have felt ANYTHING for at least 2 weeks minimum, usually at least 3-4 weeks. It really is worth a discussion with the doctor, especially because you are having such a hard time 'pinning down' your feelings AND not sleeping!. (I tried a medication that gave me suicidal dreams, but by day, I felt nothing like that. We stopped that med.)

I'm really concerned about you not sleeping! THAT alone will drive a 'normal' person 'crazy'! It's terribly unhealthy mentally, physically, and emotionally. It's impossible to think straight without the refreshment of sleeping!!!

:hug::hug:Peace & prayers being sent your way...and a few hugs!:hug::hug: Take good care of YOU!!!

 

[bluedressinggown]

Thank you so much @Confused Wingless... I always try to share. I get very dependant on being able to talk to people but find that its hard to speak to friends aboit this. I have mentioned it but I dont want to freak them out or use it against me when I am better . I do find it cathartic writing on here.

Your words are a massive comfort- thank you so much. I slept slightly better last night which is good.

Off to London today to try and act like a nice normal person. Hopefully when I get back I will feel better.I will also have review with gp and see therapist so I will see how I'm feeling then.

I think a distraction will be good for me.I will also be with family and children who will need me to look after them so hopefully might give me some purpose and keep me exhausted so I might sleep more.

 

[Butterflywings]

Blue I felt I had to reply because what you posted is exactly how I feel. And how you've been treated is exactly how I have. Was told I was functioning too well to get any sort of mental health support even though I had actually told them in my assessment appointment I was pretty much planning to kill myself after my baby was born. The only thing I didn't tell them was I had a plan of precisely when and how. But I told them I was basically planning it. They deemed me as not needing any help because I could promise I wouldn't kill myself before then. I'd even told them I couldn't promise I wouldn't hurt myself before then.

As it was, the circumstances of her birth meant I changed my mind (she was premmie, born interstate, where if I killed myself my husband would have lost custody of our older who isn't his biologically and a lot of other complicated stuff) and briefly for a few days after she was born I was actually truly happy for the first time in months basically because my PTSD was first triggered by my older daughter's birth and this time, having a good birth process (where baby and I didn't nearly come close to dying) meant I was able to mentally heal from the original birth trauma (didn't heal my other PTSD trauma but that's a separate issue). I was doing really well until day 3 when my baby developed a serious complication she could have died from and everything came flooding back, but I wasn't suicidal because I needed to be there for her.

I can't understand how community mental health services could turn away a person thinking of suicide (I said I had a vague plan, I only withheld that I had an exact fixed plan). For months I had planned to kill myself and if it wasn't for her premmie birth and very good birth experience and heaps of support in the hospital, things could have gone very different.

I still struggle constantly every single day with thoughts of suicide just not with a direct plan of carrying it - but I have to keep fighting it. Every single second of every day.

What's worst is I work in mental health. I have to work for a few months later this year in the service who refused to help me when I needed it. I am hurt by them not offering any help - not even a psychiatrist to review my meds, or a referral to some other service for trauma counselling (which I've been repeatedly told I need), just nothing at all. But I am also scared of working with these people. They know my deepest darkest feelings. They know I am tormented daily by thoughts of self harm and suicide, and they know I have to front up to work and take care of people who are less depressed and traumatised than I am and provide them with the help I wasn't offered. But basically I am so ashamed now that everyone there knows I'm not ok. Seeing in their eyes that I don't belong there, that I am not really one of "them" (staff) but really one of "them" (mentally ill). Knowing that they treat me different because they know I have PTSD and depression (bipolar actually).

I am really struggling and I don't have any support other than a psychologist who I see once a month who I feel worse after (and because of lack of therapy, not because of doing difficult therapy).