Am i suicidal?

[nowthisisme]

I know it's a stupid question.

I don't know what is going on with me. I feel like I am stuck in a well trying to climb out but everytime I climb a few feet i fall straight down on my face. I just lay there encouraging myself to get back up. I have been down for 3 weeks, I can't get myself to get up. I don't want to try anymore. I am avoiding everything and everyone, I spend all day in bed or on the couch. I am terrified, last week I wanted to smash my hand into glass just so I can "feel" something. I am numb.

I don't want to die because of my family but I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to fight this anymore, I am disappointing everyone, I am running out of strength. I can't be the strong person everyone thinks I am.

I never self harmed but I can't stop thinking about it, why? Why cant I stop thinking about it. If i smash my hand, end up in the ER and get stitches, then what? Sympathy from others? Is that what I'm looking for?

I have a good support team but I'm terrified of telling anyone what I'm thinking about. They all think I'm working hard and trying my best to get better, which I am, I really am, I just can't stop thinking of my blood dripping out of my hand.

I'm scarred. Really scarred.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sounds like depression to me. Do you have any idea what might have set it into action????

 

[nowthisisme]

Sounds like depression to me. Do you have any idea what might have set it into action????

I have been batting PTSD caused by CSA. I have been depressed for a long time but i never got this bad. I can't handle PTSD anymore, I give up, it can win.

The flashbacks and memories are too overwhelming, I recently had to tell family about my abuse and now everytime I look at them i see sadness. My abuse is replayed in my head over and over.

It can win. F*ck PTSD F*ck the damn asshole who thought it was ok to take advantage of an 8 year old. I can't even remember everything. It lasted for too long and i blocked a lot of it. Reliving it now is worse then going through it.

 

[Friday]

Sounds like depression to me.

Agreed.

@nowthisisme I’d never dealt with depression before... rage, yes; depression, no... so it completely floored me. For a very long time. I ad no idea what was going on, or why. It took a couple of years before I had the energy to do anything about it, and by then I was mostly coming up out of the depression. I still haven’t learned how to deal with it, very well, & it tends to come & go these days.

I never self harmed but I can't stop thinking about it, why? Why cant I stop thinking about it. If i smash my hand, end up in the ER and get stitches, then what? Sympathy from others? Is that what I'm looking for?

Fairly similar... I would have these bouts of NEED to do various things I don’t allow myself to do. Self harm being one of them. For myself, it had nothing to do with sympathy from others, and everything to do with instinctive attempts to drag myself out of the depression. Things my body knew would “work”, probably because they’d worked in the past. I didn’t understand that at the time, it was only later that it parsed “Oh. Shit. Every time I was falling into a depression I had overwhelming cravings for <insert XYZ bad coping mechanisms here>. Fought through the cravings, and sank into depression. These days I’ve come to learn that suddenly needing/wanting <insert XYZ bad coping mechanism here> is a giant flashing warning sign that things are about to get really bad. But if I can get out in front of it? Use other coping mechanisms, then I can sidestep the worst of the bad blow.

One better? The type of bad coping mechanism Im craving / can’t stop thinking about really gives me a leg up on how to get in front of the depression. Self harm? Is usually a chemical thing, for me. It releases a metric shit ton of endorphins ie painkillers & mood lifters. So I get a lot more traction / better response if I get on top of my pain management, add exercise for lesser endorphins, and start focusing on things that lift my mood. (Meanwhile if I’m craving sex? That’s primarily connection based & grounding. Whilst violence is grounding + adrenalin. Etc.) This is a bit of an oversimplification of what each coping mech does for me, there tend to be BIG parts, and smaller parts... the more parts I can get met? The better. So breaking each one down into everything it does = super useful.

Since your knee-jerk response to “Why the f*ck do I want XYZ???” is wanting sympathy? If you follow the same patterns I do, what IS sympathy? Roughly maybe = connection with someone else, attention, & being taken care of?

Are there ways you could meet those 3 desires (and any other you consider to be parts of sympathy).

Just spitballing some ideas (some of which will probably = Hell no!)
- Check into a hotel room for a few days so someone else is doing the cooking/ cleaning/ laundry/ etc. ie being taken care of. <<< This is one of my favs when I’m just needing someone else to “do everything”. Can’t always swing it, but it’s a huge relief when I can.
- Make dates with friends (even if “just” a phone date) for connection/attention
- Book an extra therapy appointment (connection/attention)
- Do something special with someone (connection)
- Take a 1:1 class / private lesson in something you would usually do as a group thing or solo thing (personal trainer at the gym, art, music, sport); attention/connection
- Volunteer with kids/pets if you don’t have friends right now or they’re unavailable (attention, connection)
- Be an art model (attention)
- etc.

***

And, yeah. I totally get that none of this may even be possible to think about, much less do, if you’re already in a depression. No worries on that score. Like I said, I’m bad with depression. But ideas for next time, or when you start feeling better :)

 

[Treaty]

I think I feel similarly so I know how I feel. I don’t know if it’s what you feel.
In some ways it feels like a natural reaction. It doesn’t mean I’m going to follow through. I just want what I feel to end.

 

[shimmerz]

I wanted to smash my hand into glass just so I can "feel" something

Any idea why it was a hand into glass? That sounds to me like you need an outlet to frustration. I mean really, all of these things we do have an underlying emotion to them. Figure out the emotion and then you can educate yourself on how to channel them without the self harm.

 

[WillyKat]

Many of us have had the same feelings you do. I realized something a few years ago about suicide. We don't want to kill ourselves. We want to remove all the negative thoughts that drive us bats, that keep us in bed, that interrupt our thoughts all day and all night. We want to be rid of that, to silence it forever, and at times we feel there's only one way to do that. Unfortunately, that takes the whole of us, not just the negative.

There's no one solution. There may be many small ones. Sadly, in our culture we grow up with a mindset that says problems can be solved with the push of the button or the pull of a trigger. We don't get a lot of messages about thousand mile journeys. PTSD is a thousand mile journey, followed my another and another. Consider thinking about this in smaller, more attainable goals.

To use your well metaphor, perhaps coming to this forum is one small toehold, or just asking for someone to drop a rope down for you. That's a smart move, an attainable goal. We're here. Next goal is maybe to tie the rope around you and under your arms. Or maybe even that is getting ahead of ourselves. Maybe we could lower a coat or a flashlight or something to eat. Or maybe just a flotation device or some kind of ladder or something to stand on so your not standing in water.

Think in terms of a dial, not an On/Off switch. To turn the dial down to a low number, you must first move it from 10 to 9.

I think the metaphor of a well is right on. We often get overwhelmed by anxiety and it begins to feel like it surrounds our face and head, much like your well surrounds you on all sides. If you can, try to visualize all the crap you're dealing with as being rocks that you can step around, or as fog that lies down below your knees. Visualize yourself as above it, where you can see clearly. I know it's hard, but if you can do that once, you can learn to do it as needed.

Above all, know that you don't have to climb out all by yourself. We're here to provide you with as much support and encouragement as possible.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @nowthisisme... It's OK... It's OK to not do anything for awhile... Don't be tough on yourself.... Your very insightful... And know that something needs to change...

Can you talk to your team?. Get a higher dose of anti D, s... I'm so sorry you were hurt badly...

I think this is just how it is sometimes.. We don't do much for a few weeks but that's OK. It's you recharging yourself... It's temporary..
There will come a day when you feel like doing something... But please talk to your mental health people. Ptsd has no time limit.. Keep in touch and let us know how you are... Big hugs...

 

[nowthisisme]

Thank you all for your replys. They trully meant a lot and i learned a few new things from them. I'm still stuck in my well. I was able to pull myself out for a few hours last week, my therapist, husband, and friend lifted me up a bit and i was able to leave my house.

I'm in the process of changing doctors so I can't get my meds adjusted till the end of March, but if I get really bad I promised myself to go to the ER. I feel so hopeless and out of energy, I really don't want to do anything with my life anymore. The guilt is killing me, my daughter's 7th birthday is next week and i can't get anything done for her. Birthdays have always been big in my house and i can't go order a damn cake. I'm worthless.

I know I sound pathetic. I'm a grown ass women acting like a child. I never imagined myself like this, this is not the life i had planned. I hate my past, I hate that I got PTSD, why did it come out of nowhere? Why now? Why has MY life been flipped upside down. This trully sucks.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes other than the 'why me', and in terms of my own life, I feel more like a burnt pancake. :(

The good thing is, in some ways if you have to ask yourself if you're suicidal you're not at a lower point (you know, at least eventually, by 'listening' to your decisions, even if there isn't emotion there).

All the advice above is good, I will just say this humbly; if possible keep telling yourself and reminding yourself of all of the beautiful things and people in your life who love you and need you- use whatever you can- photos, notes, videos, whatever- but do it without guilt and self-recrimination. Try to be present just for moments. And like the others have said try to find reprieves, it helps to recognize triggers and flooding.

Best of luck in March, and remember the best present you can give your daughter is 'you'.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

So, if you don’t have the energy to bake a cake, order one. Order gifts online so you don’t have to shop. You can also order decorations online. I think that once you get 8nto doing this stuff for her, it will take your mind off you. Sometimes it’s what we need. Redirecting our thoughts.... hang in there...

 

[nowthisisme]

the best present you can give your daughter is 'you'.

That made me cry. I love my family so much.
Thank you. Just one step at a time. :hug:

So, if you don’t have the energy to bake a cake, order one. Order gifts online so you don’t have to...

I'm hanging on ... as tightly as i can..

I just ordered some decorations online. I texted my kids old nanny to see if she's available to decorate and manage everything that day. It would totally suck if her friends are over and I'm in my room crying. I need a backup plan. Wow I never thought having a few kids over for cake can be so exhusting to arrange.

I am just so stunned by how PTSD can drastically destroy someone's life. Prior to be diagnoised i wouldn't believe it if someone complained to me. I feel bad saying it but it's really hard to believe that someone can go from a highly functioning on the go person to a someone that can't get their own cup of water from something that happened to them 23 years ago.