Relationship Am I "that" Girl?

[Seaotter]

Spent the day crying today - really crying. I think it's grief.

My sufferer is getting worse and I think I have to step back now and let him hit his bottom. Don't know how much is the PTSD and how much is his avoidant attachment issues (combined with my anxious attachment issues :() but he's treating me worse over time. I cannot do anything right - I am now relegated to the "bad person" role by him. I am a bad friend, I am controlling, everything is my fault. I'm assuming it's transference so he doesn't have to deal with his stuff. He asks me to leave him alone, I do and he gets abandonment triggered and is the angriest I've ever seen him.

We've been on a break/broken-up 6 months now and today he blocked me on Facebook - I have no idea why. It hurts. Four days ago he told me he's in pain with my hot/cold issues. Love and caring is his trigger, control (imagined or real) is another. I want to be that person that doesn't give up on him but if he thinks I'm all bad what's the point? I have done nothing to be the bad guy - transferring past pain on to me. How do you get past that? My therapist thinks he's blocked me because he's trying to get a reaction out of me. I messaged him and asked if he defriended me, if he was angry - what's happened and he read them and didn't reply.

Is cPTSD progressive - worse before it gets better? Lick my wounds and go? Could he be angrier bc everything he's done to push me away isn't working and I'm still here? I feel like he's telling me to go away, he draws me back-in, then pushes me away again and I feel like maybe I'm "that girl" who just can't let go. Maybe it's time I give him what he asks for...give up and see what happens? I love him, he's a good person, but this rejection hurts and I do really want him in my life but I don't want to feel like "that girl". For now, it looks like he's made the decision for me. Am I ridiculous to hold out hope? Can he ever see me as good again or will I always be the bad guy?

 

[nursenurse]

Look, there is nothing about this that spells love. If this is all you want out of life for yourself, then carry on with someone who is taking no responsibility for himself , or for you either. This isn't a contest of greatness between supporters, as with any relationship, some make it, but some do not. No one can live with the amount of emotional abuse that you have accepted in your life and be happy. I don't know enough about your guy, but from this posting, I fail to see the greatness. I see hurt, I see sorrow, I see self doubt, I see blame. This is no way for you or anyone else, to live their lives

Give him his space, he has earned a one way ticket. You need to keep up with intensive therapy to figure out why you would put up with such blatant disregard for your heart, both from him and from you. Then you straighten your shoulders, hold your head high, and live life, find love with someone who will appreciate you. PTSD? He is using it as an excuse. He may also just not have the guts to let you go with a real conversation. Take his cues. You are worth so much more than this pitiful treatment. He needs his rock bottom to find himself, and you do not need to be waiting for him with open arms, for something that may never materialize.

 

[Storm-ridden]

PTSD is no excuse to treat someone the way it sounds like he's treating you. Is he in therapy? Seeing a psychiatrist? Getting any help for any of it? Just because something horrific happened to him (and I"m not trying to downplay whatever it was- please don't take it that way) there is no reason to go out and traumatize others for it. It wasn't something you did and you should not have to suffer for it. Just because someone has PTSD does NOT mean they are allowed to get away with acting out and hurting others. If he is not trying to get any help for his PTSD, then frankly at this point he's not worth going back to. If he is getting help, something drastic needs to change in the manner he's getting help, or he needs to work harder in some areas. No matter the case, his actions are NOT acceptable. Frankly, I would not go back. At this point, I would cut communications with him completely, and let him know that until he can get his act together and learn how to treat people properly and not as emotional punching bags, that you will have nothing to do with him. All it sounds like he's doing is hurting you- I hear no love in this on his end at all. Hopefully this helps. I know this is far from an easy decision for you.

 

[open eyes]

It sounds like neither of you are doing any good for each other. Even if you do love him, at this point it seems like you two as a couple is far too explosive for it to work... I agree with @Storm-ridden. Just because he has been hurt does not give him the right to hurt you. That's crossing a boundary.

 

[Caterpillar]

I had very similar problems with my ex, who also had severe PTSD. The fact is that it doesn't sound like he's in any way committed to even trying at a relationship with you. Maybe he's too involved in his own issues right now to have a relationship. Maybe he's just not that interested in you. Either way, you don't deserve this kind of treatment from anyone and it's time for you to protect yourself by cutting contact of all kinds with him and working on yourself instead. That may sound drastic and final, and it will be painful to do, but it's the only thing that stopped my cycle of co-dependence and emotional abuse with my ex, and I really believe it's the only way to break out of such negative patterns.

It's entirely possible to have a loving and stable relationship with PTSD and other mental illness involved. My fiance and I both have multiple problems and diagnoses, but our relationship is nothing like it was with my ex, or like it has been for you. We're both committed and trying our best, and that makes all the difference. You need to end this negative relationship so you can move towards a healthier one in the future.

 

[Echo]

@Seaotter - my heart goes out to you. You sound like you are describing my ex, too. I know how utterly confusing it is when someone goes hot and then cold on you, and interprets whatever you do through such a thick filter of their own that you can only be seen by them as the bad guy. It is a need in him to do this; he is replaying past patterns in his life for some reason, and it is not your fault, just like it wasn't mine. Until he accepts that he is doing this and gets proper help, then nothing is going to change. The hard thing is when the good bits were really good and you keep holding on for them to return or be consistently there. But they are not going to be because he is stuck in his old patterns of protecting himself from getting hurt by intimacy or feeling the need to control someone else to feel powerful, or whatever it is.

Because of the way my life was intermeshed with my ex, it took a great deal of strength to avoid him when he did his last cutting off. He had always depended on bumping into me or me contacting him as part of a group or similar such things when he had done it before. This time I haven't. I know by his current behaviour that he is wafting himself under my nose to see if he can get me to react and contact him, but I'm not going to do so. I don't believe we can change people, but if he wanted to come back into my life, he would have had to have chosen to change radically and make it absolutely clear that he had done the hard work to be able to do so.

It is heart-breaking when someone is so hurt by their past that they can only respond to intimacy like this (without help), but the only thing we can do is to do the necessary work on ourselves to investigate why it is that we have attracted someone like this and why we didn't see the signs early on. I hope both he and you manage to break away from these patterns. I hope my ex and I find happiness apart or together, but I'm operating on the likelihood that it won't be together. It really sucks.

 

[Miss walt]

Is he recognising his PTSD and willing to seek help for it. My "s.o" did pretty much the same thing as he has done to you, even the fb blocking. He was well aware of how much I loved him, well aware of my support but I did step away from him. Things have got better for us, so far, after a catastrophic new year, I let him go, and I guess he let me go. But he ended up breaking down, then he asked for my help, I sourced the help, he went of his own accord. Our bond is now re establishing slowly and we work towards being a strong couple hopefully. PTSD can make people NOT know what they want for sure, they often have a feeling of no self worth and self loathing. The anxiety can build and sometimes they don't know where they want to be and feel alone and therefore want to be alone. Avoidance behaviour if you like. I have learned a lot and still am.

My "s.o's" PTSD is related to war but also from childhood neglect and physical abuse by relatives after his mum was beaten to death by her partner. He has severe attachment issues, he doesnt trust anyone, and often his hurt to me in the past, now, we know, is a pre empt at causing hurt before someone causes him hurt. They don't mean to do it, but it's a form of self defence. To be alone, no one can hurt them then. But if your partner is willing to talk and get therapy, I think it can work for you guys yes. You come to an age where you feel what is real, what is love and you know a guy who is just a player.

I do have a lot of info and knowledge on PTSD owing to my job, if I didn't maybe I wouldn't understand the behaviours so much. I relayed a lot of the info I know to him, via email when we broke up. I genuinely think, from a far, in his own time, he digested this info. But it was him that had to make the break and want therapy. He has only has had one initial assessment so far and I think soon when the intense therapy starts, there maybe some dark days. People don't have chemo and end the day singing the joys of spring, to regurge the neglect and trauma for him is going to make him ill, angry, etc, before better, but we gotta stick with it. We are carving the right path, make yourself heard, lay down rules, and just gain as much knowledge as you can and maybe you two's path will come together too. Good luck xx

 

[Seaotter]

Just want to say that you guys all rock! I will respond to all of your comments in the next couple of days. Thank you all so much for taking the time, sharing your wisdom and your experiences. Group hug all round!