Am I, The Only One? - Easier To Write Rather Than Talk.

[therisa]

Does anyone else, find it's easier to write about their experiences, than talk with a counsellor or a psychairist? I have gone through several counsellors, over the past 7 years, as a result of my inability, to open up and talk with them. Is this normal? Or is my huge inability to trust people, the problem?

 

[ashdawn8287]

I would say it is a trust thing. They are there to help, not hurt. If anything you should only trust them! Start there! :)

Also, it is a normal reaction given your past. If that makes sense.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, it could be a trust issue. Or, it could be that you can't verbalize your trauma but can write it down. I deal with both issues.

I have had problems talking about my issues since I was a child. My first therapist mocked me and my inability to speak. Later, as an adult, I was in a trauma unit and "punished" for not being able to speak. It wasn't until I went to an intensive trauma program that they told me this was normal as the verbal part of our brains can shut down when we become anxious/triggered/etc.

 

[heidi]

I honestly because there is a lot of sensitivity around trauma it's only natural to be careful and protective.

 

[therisa]

Thank you, Ashdawn and Solara. I think, you are, both right, in that my issue is trust and my inability to vocalize my past. Even my past friend, who helped me, with the aftermath of my mother's bitter rejection of me, I find it hard to share this part of my past, with him. And he's a pre-op transman. In the past, I have learned a very bitter lesson, about opening up to others, which resulted several beatings.

Wise words, Heidi. And I thank you, for your opinion. Right now, I am so tired this merry-go-round.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Therisa, you are in good company. Trust continues to be an ongoing issue for me. Once I stuck with a therapist and kept going, I really broke through and began achieving some healing for deep wounds I didn't even know I had.

It gets better.

 

[therisa]

Thank you, BloominWinter. I have the tendency of letting people get so far, before my defenses slammed down around me, shutting everyone else, from the areas that need be shone upon. How I wish I could do my counselling sessions, via my poetry and blog entries. But, the current system is arranged for face to face, confrontation method. Sigh.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I do understand feeling like it's a confrontation.

But that's the term we use when we're frightened. It feels like a confrontation. To me, it felt like being on the witness stand again. But a healing relationship is only a confrontation as long as we keep telling ourselves it is.

I had to start reminding myself that my therapist was not my abuser. He was there to help me help myself. He could not be effective until I was able to find the courage to tell him what I was thinking, feeling, and experiencing.

We always have the option of quitting. After every appointment, we can. It feels like we're entering into this all encompassing relationship in therapy, but the reality is we control the pacing, the continuance of the relationship, and what we are willing to work on.

There is a strong transformative process that brings about the change in ourselves that best happens in face to face therapy. It can become a really satisfying healing relationship. But it has to begin with us pushing ourselves to trust more than we want to, or it just can't happy.

We don't have to like it. :)

 

[therisa]

I understand, what you are telling me, BloominWinter, but I have additional issues that are new territory for some of the counsellors and psychairist, I have dealt, being trans. Amazing how a little thing like gender orientation can change a person's outlook, towards another.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I live in a tiny town. A work colleague is trans and he and his family are all getting therapy where I am. They are doing much better as a family now than they were before they got help.

Don't give up. There are compassionate, knowledgeable professionals who can handle all issues with competence and care.

 

[therisa]

I know, it's finding the right person, who understands and doesn't prejudges me, because, of whom I am. Had one physcairist do that already, when I got a psych assessment gone, in 2007.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't think it's solely about trust, it's about how we feel about our trauma.

I trusted my therapist 100%, but because I felt enormous shame and embarrassment, I couldn't say what had happened to me out loud. Writing things down was somehow easier than saying it out loud. It gave us a starting point to work on that shame aspect. If she hadn't accepted me writing things down (and I've heard of therapists who refuse to read written thoughts - scary!!), we would have been completely stuck.

It became easier to verbalise, once we'd started working on the whole shame, embarrassment, and self-blame aspects.