My father is in prison for raping my sister from 12 years old -14years old. He's been in for 16 years now. I'm now almost 30 and just found out that I was being abused too. My sister told me she walked in on my dad having sex with me when I was about 10. She said it was "always going on". I don't remember much of anything before 16.
I found out because I asked her if I had seen something happen to her. I knew I was blocking something. I didn't expect to hear what she told me. And I didn't know that she had tried telling me a number of times before. (I block alot of things apparently).
This all started with a returning memory of being raped at 14 by a friend of mine. I didn't know to call it 'rape' at the time even though he was an adult. I was totally numb and though I repeatedly said no, I couldn't resist or fight. I just laid there numb. I didn't react then, or ever since,until the memory came back 6 months ago. Then I finally had some emotion, but only for a couple weeks. I had the creepy feeling that it was only the 'tip of the iceburg'.
So, I've been diagnosed with ptsd and depression and I'm in intense trauma focused therapy for 3 months now. Finally over the last 2 weeks I started 'remembering' the abuse, minus any emotion. (Oral, vaginal,& anal sex) I just get horrible migraines.
What makes all this worse for me was that when I was a kid I was the ignored child. I thought that being neglected actually worked to my benefit and kept me safe from being abused like my sister.
I ended up getting really close to my dad because he seemed to get much more religious in prison, and that's what I clung to. He seamed so sincere and since I didn't have any memories, or any emotion, I took his side for the last 10 years. Not against my sister, but believing all his lies when he would say "I don't remember, because I had a drinking problem...she's over reacting....her mom put her up to it...I only plead guilty because she was suicidal....etc." Now I realize I have been on the wrong side.
I found out because I asked her if I had seen something happen to her. I knew I was blocking something. I didn't expect to hear what she told me. And I didn't know that she had tried telling me a number of times before. (I block alot of things apparently).
This all started with a returning memory of being raped at 14 by a friend of mine. I didn't know to call it 'rape' at the time even though he was an adult. I was totally numb and though I repeatedly said no, I couldn't resist or fight. I just laid there numb. I didn't react then, or ever since,until the memory came back 6 months ago. Then I finally had some emotion, but only for a couple weeks. I had the creepy feeling that it was only the 'tip of the iceburg'.
So, I've been diagnosed with ptsd and depression and I'm in intense trauma focused therapy for 3 months now. Finally over the last 2 weeks I started 'remembering' the abuse, minus any emotion. (Oral, vaginal,& anal sex) I just get horrible migraines.
What makes all this worse for me was that when I was a kid I was the ignored child. I thought that being neglected actually worked to my benefit and kept me safe from being abused like my sister.
I ended up getting really close to my dad because he seemed to get much more religious in prison, and that's what I clung to. He seamed so sincere and since I didn't have any memories, or any emotion, I took his side for the last 10 years. Not against my sister, but believing all his lies when he would say "I don't remember, because I had a drinking problem...she's over reacting....her mom put her up to it...I only plead guilty because she was suicidal....etc." Now I realize I have been on the wrong side.
