An Initial Hello...New Carer

[Tinyflame]

...She comes across to everyone as such a strong, wise, high functioning character that I sometimes I just find myself doubting what I know even though it's worked for me. Am I right in thinking that the shame has been hidden deeply under an image sometimes?..

..Reading about your symptoms from last year has helped me to try and understand how 1 memory can be the start of a whole cycle. I think this maybe what happened this summer with the stressful event on the horizon. Maybe me mentioning that I was scared she was working too hard reminded her of the stress that she went through last year too. But I was only trying to look after her health which I could see weakening. But all I did was see her 'shrink into a corner'...and then run. With regard to when you experienced what happened last year, do you confront it on your own or have you confided in anyone? Would having someone just being 'present' have helped?

..She always seems to be so giving...even to people who don't warrant it..which is why I notice the change when that stops).


nick

Dear Nick,

You sound like you have been more considerate and aware than you give yourself credit for.

I would say, the answer to the 1st question is a resounding "YES".

As for the second, you did nothing wrong by what you suggested. She was already 'weakening'/ having difficulties as you say (not caused by what you did/ said). Personally, after (myself) being in (that type of) situation, I told no one (BIG MISTAKE). -Tried to tell one, they said it was "not a problem" (It was a BIG problem).
It helps immensely to have someone there you can trust, who won't condemn you.

The third part of your quote above; I can only speak for myself, but that is absolutely accurate, and when I get that way, it (eventually) increases the shame plus feels horrible- because it's not 'who' or 'how' I am (normally), or want to be.

-Hope this makes sense- best wishes to you.

 

[growingpains]

My partner also said he feels like he is constantly walking on eggshells. I didn't "get" it. She wants to be seen as normal, she wants to feel normal. A relationship is hard work, and everyone has difficulties or faults--we are human after all. If you love her give her patience, understanding, and let her know you are there when and if she needs you. Life hurts a lot with PTSD, and it is hard to be a partner to someone with PTSD, but having a loving partner makes it much more tolerable (life), and you can help her on her healing journey by having good communication with her and comforting her in a way that she feels suits her best. Good luck, and try not to take her PTSD symptoms personally.

 

[NativeRose]

Greetings!

Yes--much shame is probably hidden under this image of perfection. I won't speak for anyone else, but I know I do that, and it's horrible when I just happen to break...with people I don't trust. Someone in a mental health disorders group said to me during a time of difficulty, "I didn't know you could fall apart." That made me angry, because I'm not invincible, and there is a lot of stuff inside that's fragmented. I'm glad you found the details of my experiences last year. There are many more like that, but I sure don't want to bore you or give the other members novels to read! LOL! there are a lot of trust and abandonment issues with some people with PTSD. That's why we're so closed and even retreat around our closest friends. Once again, it's nothing personal. It does help to have trusted friends present during difficult times, but the group I trust implicitly is quite small. That's fine, because I feel so blessed to have friends who stick with me during these times. Still, it's very hard for me to open up, even to these people. I often remind them that it is nothing personal. As for your comment about your having a flashback, I can understand why she became upset. In flashbacks, we feel like we're back in the experience again; it's just not a memory, because we're not aware of our reality and don't know that we're just remembering something. It would be kind of like you daydreaming but feeling like you're actually experiencing it, rather than knowing it's a daydream. So....when you said you had a flashback, her thoughts might have been something like, "You have no idea what a flashback is and how frightening it is. How dare you say that!" Obviously, I don't know her exact thoughts. I don't tell you this to make you feel guilty or something; it's just to help you understand her strong reaction to something seemingly insignificant. It's awesome that you recognize that our minds (and bodies) react differently to even small things. It will help you to keep this in mind so you don't take everything so personally.

I'm in my fourth year of school, and I have learned so much that helps me understand why my abuse affects me the way it does. I have learned a lot about human (especially child) development, thought processes, psychological disorders, experiencing the steps in crisis and learning how to respond to such things. Counseling programs also help me understand thinking errors and find different coping skills, and sometimes I find that I have to go back to counseling after some kind of immense trigger. It's called maintenance counseling, and I know that, as a trauma survivor, I must be especially aware of how my clients' experiences could possibly affect me. I have to be sure that I consider my mental health because I do hav problems, and I have to keep them from spiraling out of control. It's about 2:30 AM here, and I need to try to go back to sleep. Questions to ask her will come in the next post.

NativeRose

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Nick

I have changed your status so you now have permission to post in the Carers section and other areas of the forum.

 

[nickfreeman]

there are a lot of trust and abandonment issues with some people with PTSD. That's why we're so closed and even retreat around our closest friends. Once again, it's nothing personal. It does help to have trusted friends present during difficult times, but the group I trust implicitly is quite small. That's fine, because I feel so blessed to have friends who stick with me during these times. Still, it's very hard for me to open up, even to these people.

I often remind them that it is nothing personal. As for your comment about your having a flashback, I can understand why she became upset. In flashbacks, we feel like we're back in the experience again; it's just not a memory, because we're not aware of our reality and don't know that we're just remembering something. It would be kind of like you daydreaming but feeling like you're actually experiencing it, rather than knowing it's a daydream. So....when you said you had a flashback, her thoughts might have been something like, "You have no idea what a flashback is and how frightening it is. How dare you say that!" Obviously, I don't know her exact thoughts. I don't tell you this to make you feel guilty or something; it's just to help you understand her strong reaction to something seemingly insignificant. It's awesome that you recognize that our minds (and bodies) react differently to even small things. It will help you to keep this in mind so you don't take everything so personally.

Thanks again for your reply NativeRose.

A couple more things which your post touched upon which have been on my mind and you highlighted. I am more at ease these past weeks than I've been in a long time. I am learning, learning, learning and should the situation arise where I get to meet her I feel like I'm already far better equipped to deal with the relationship. BUT, by my leaving her to own devices so to speak since she told me prior to christmas that she didnt know how she feels and that she had to work through other things first, am I in danger of causing her to think I'm abandoning her, if the trust and abandonment issues are strong? I dont want her to think that I've abandoned her...

She doesn't keep many friends around, and they also tend to have phases in her life. I became aware last year, that because I'm so easy going with people I tend to have quite a large circle of friends. Would this be seen as a potential problem? She has touched upon this and the fact that many people in her life have deserted her and the ignored her later when they saw her. Could this be contributing to build shame within her? Bit of a tangent I know, but thought I'd ask all the same.

I now know how a word like flashback can have such a different meaning in someone else's eyes. I never ever realised...


From time to time I still feel as though I could have avoided all this had I been clued up rather than just, to a degree, overprotecting. But then I stop to think of all those kind words and tips I've received since and just hope I do get chance to talk to her about all this...one day

ps I cant see me being bored from any of your other 'novels'. I think thats one of the best parts of this forum, you can talk about anything and no-one seems to judge, just offer help from different perspectives.


Thank you!

 

[nickfreeman]

Thank you Nicolette, I hope I can be of help to people in the future as much as people have been to me in the last couple of weeks.

 

[nickfreeman]

Dear Nick,

You sound like you have been more considerate and aware than you give yourself credit for.

I would say, the answer to the 1st question is a resounding "YES".

As for the second, you did nothing wrong by what you suggested. She was already 'weakening'/ having difficulties as you say (not caused by what you did/ said). Personally, after (myself) being in (that type of) situation, I told no one (BIG MISTAKE). -Tried to tell one, they said it was "not a problem" (It was a BIG problem).
It helps immensely to have someone there you can trust, who won't condemn you.

The third part of your quote above; I can only speak for myself, but that is absolutely accurate, and when I get that way, it (eventually) increases the shame plus feels horrible- because it's not 'who' or 'how' I am (normally), or want to be.

-Hope this makes sense- best wishes to you.

Thank you Junebug,

Just a quick question, does the last part mean that you're aware that you can be so very giving, or aware when you've stopped? if that makes sense..(i dont think it does!)

my partner's parents mentioned once that she always used to go out of her way even as a child to make everything perfect on people's birthdays and still with work colleagues who've treated her badly, etc, but seldom got much back when it came to her....

 

[nickfreeman]

My partner also said he feels like he is constantly walking on eggshells. I didn't "get" it. She wants to be seen as normal, she wants to feel normal. A relationship is hard work, and everyone has difficulties or faults--we are human after all. If you love her give her patience, understanding, and let her know you are there when and if she needs you. Life hurts a lot with PTSD, and it is hard to be a partner to someone with PTSD, but having a loving partner makes it much more tolerable (life), and you can help her on her healing journey by having good communication with her and comforting her in a way that she feels suits her best. Good luck, and try not to take her PTSD symptoms personally.

I can empathise with this a lot. I agree, it can be difficult, but in my mind, all worth it. But then again, I wouldnt be here I guess if I didnt think she was...

 

[amethist]

Hi Nick

Welcome to the forum, from another UK carer.

I have read all your post and yes it is difficult, but it can be rewarding too.

As carer's we are constantly learning about all that ptsd entails for our sufferers, after 2 1/2 years of suffering new issues came out on New Years Day. This was not so much of a surprise for me as I had noticed but did not want to make matters worse until my husband admitted himself what was now surfacing.

Relationships can continue and stay strong, but with difficulty at times. As for friends of my husband, most of them have disappeared completely, only a select few keep in touch and that is getting rarer now.

Keep posting and reading, it does help.

The snow is not good, lucky you getting a snow day. I have had to go to work all week as travel has not been too bad as yet. Public transport has been kept going on the main roads so far.

Amethist

 

[nickfreeman]

Thank You Amethist

I can see how all this can be rewarding,for the both of us. Whilst I'm busy learning all I can, I have read something on one thread that stuck out, in that I'm developing as a person the more I learn as well as learning how to be a supportive carer for her.

I am becoming even more determined to put all that I am learning to good use in the future. Things that I used to struggle with, for instance, the disassociation, I am now coping with a lot better. I have made the odd contact this week on a light hearted subject and not expected anything back. I have been pleasantly surprised to get a happy response and to leave it at that for now, not to push anymore yet, which is what I would have done previously(or just plain worry about when to text next time). And you know what I want to be there for any new issues that may arise, like you mentioned happening to you on New Year. I want to be there for all that is a challenge as well as the good times. Because while there may be very challenging times, there have been very good times too and I know I'd much rather share the times ahead, good and bad, with her, than without her.

Thank you for your point on your husband's friends. I wonder how many of these friends just disappear because they haven't stuck around in the hard times?

I drive for a living, and I hate driving in snow. So although there's going to be some serious overtime ahead to make up some hours lost this week, I can still see the positive in that it has been just at the right time to digest all this info without being shattered from all the driving. I guess I can always see a bright side :-)

nick