An Insidious Thought

[Hope4Now]

I've been gradually coming to accept over the past year or so that I was raised by very narcissistic people. I've been thinking about my own parenting skills a lot recently...looking back, especially as my son just graduated from high school, and my daughter is 13. I've always considered myself a good parent who has good relationships with my children. I've always had my children and their healthy, whole person growth come first. And they are two of the coolest kids on the planet, I think. (At least around 75% of the time).

Today it occurred to me that my parents would have thought the same thing about themselves as parents. That they were excellent parents who raised their kid the way she ought to have been raised. Today the thought wormed its way into my overthinking head. The terrible insidious idea that maybe I am a narcissist implanted itself in me.

So many of the choices I have made as a parent were out of determination never-ever-ever to do to my own children what my parents did to me. Isn't that totally self-involved? I've tried so hard to give them choices and freedom and independence. To encourage their interests and talents, to be there for them when they fall, etc. To love them with everything I've got in me, with no conditions. But I think my parents would have thought they did that for me.

Since the big meltdown started 18 months ago, I have started to say "no" to things. That I am too tired. That I cannot do all the things I am supposed to do. This feels very selfish and self-centered to me. I spend a grotesque amount of time dealing with my PTSD symptoms however I can. This has caused my family to suffer. I am no longer working at all now, and we were already in debt from the gradual decline in my income over the past 18 months due to having to cut back, and to my seeking out alternative therapies.

If narcissists have no capacity to understand their narcissism and their impact on others, how do I know I'm not one? I didn't even recognize it in my parents until recently...and I'm oldish myself.

I've backed myself into this awful corner of self-questioning. Ouch.

 

[scout86]

To begin with, narcissists don't worry about whether or not they're narcissists. There CAN'T be anything WRONG with them, they're perfect.

I had this conversation with my T. He said he thought there was a strong hereditary component to it. I was horrified. Paused and asked (with great seriousness) "Am I a narcissist?" :nailbiting: :nailbiting::nailbiting:I like making people laugh...... He didn't have to laugh THAT hard! Once he regained his composure, he asked if I thought my brother would come in and talk to him more than a couple times. (He said "No!" after he quit laughing.) Of course he wouldn't! He would see no need to talk to someone about finding better ways of thinking about things.

 

[Hope4Now]

"Am I a narcissist?" :nailbiting: :nailbiting::nailbiting:I like making people laugh...... He didn't have to laugh THAT hard!

Thanks @scout86...this made ME laugh :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:.
Did you believe him?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No narcissist ever questions it.

I think you're good. You don't have criterion #1 so you can safely abort the worrying process!

 

[scout86]

Yes. LOL I've accepted that that's one issue I DON'T have.

We've talked about it a lot. Partly because of the affect growing up in that house had on me and partly because there's still some ongoing stuff I'm dealing with. I think I'm beginning to understand the narcissist mind set a bit.

You know how "normal" people doing "get" PTSD? How they don't understand "Why you just can't get over it?"? True narcissism is similar. They really can't understand why everyone isn't like them or why anyone might have a problem with them getting what they want. I used to think it was a choice. That they were just "being mean and selfish". My T says that it's actually NOT a choice, that that is just the way their brains are wired. So, if there is a problem with a child's behavior, a narcissist would wonder "what's wrong with that child?" where a different parent (like you) would worry that maybe there was something that they could do different or better.

 

[Mallaky]

I was raised by a narcassictic grandmother.

She could not be wrong. In her reality, it was just an absolute impossibility.
She had some totally insane idea how the air-blow-thingie on her car functioned. I was 13 or so, and got really angry about her being so insanely dumb and stupid.

I explained her how it worked. She threatened to leave me in the forest we were driving through if I didnt stop. I guess she would have.
At home I showed her the manual of the car. I cried and begged her to understand. I was totaly hysterical at that point. You know what she responded?

"That is what I was saying the whole time."


f*ck those people, seriously. They have no soul.

 

[Hope4Now]

You don't have criterion #1

I suppose I ought to look up the diagnostic criteria. Thanks for the reminder.

 

[Hope4Now]

OH! Let's see...Mom qualifies for all. Dad did too. Maybe I AM safe from this after all. Thanks @itsKismet. As hard as I am on myself, I don't think I meet any of these criteria (except maybe #2...I do fantasize about brilliance and love :)).

A pervasive pattern of Dead Link Removed (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

 

[Ronin]

Honestly even if ya all happened to have this or that personality disorder? Don't make you abusers. Choices & circumstances & all. So I wouldn't get all lost in worrying over diagnoses there.

 

[seedling]

As I've gone through therapy I've always had the fear that I would find out at some point that I treated my kids exactly the way my mother treated me.
That I was just like her.

I've come to see that I did sometimes exhibit similar behaviors but the difference was that I wanted to change my negative behaviors and do better. The times I apologized to my kids for the way I acted. My mom never said she was sorry - she still thinks she was right.

 

[Friday]

Honestly even if ya all happened to have this or that personality disorder? Don't make you abusers.

^^^^^
This

There are good traits narcissists possess, as well. Just because you're self confident, self assured, have a hugely open heart capable of boundless love, and are very charismatic? In the first place, doesn't make you a narcissist. And in the second place? If you are a narcissist? What @Cashew said.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Speaking of narcissism, while I was visiting my son...I read this card in a little old rustic shoppe-

"No, not everybody can be a queen! I need someone to bow down!" :clown:

Hope this brought a smile....