Relationship An Isolation Story.

[EveHarrington]

I think it's good to share our experiences with isolation. I also think that the term 'isolation' gives people a very finite type of image in their minds as to what it is, but I think there are actually a lot of ways in which isolation is expressed.

Very rarely do I isolate from everyone. Usually my close family isn't kicked out of my inner circle. Most often it's friends that I isolate from. It's hard to find friends that truly understand. Even those who say they are ok with it tend to fall away after some time. I keep trying to make new friends but after time people give up when I need space.

I guess I just want to say that isolation doesn't always mean we turn into a hermit and cease contact with every other human. I'm ok with certain levels of interaction; the more stressful/demanding relationships fall by the wayside. That is, those who want nothing from me and require nothing of me tend to end up staying.

 

[msconfused]

I just found this board and I am so happy I did. I feel like I myself wrote this. I have been dating a guy for the past 4 months, who I have know 30 years. We dated as teenagers. Long story short, we reconnected. He contacted me, went out, he fell quickly in love with me. I was hesitant, having bad experience with past relationships I wanted to take things slow. He however came on strong and very charming. Something about him was so different, unfortunately, I tried my hardest not to fall for him, but I did, and hard. He is going through a divorce, with a wife, who has some addiction issues and is verbally abusive. Needless to say the divorce is not going smooth. I did not think it would. Things were going good for us for awhile then, he started to act funny towards me, saying I was pushing him away, that was at the beginning. He stop taking his antidepressants, so that was the problem there. Got back on them. Seem to be back on track. Now, two weekends ago we spent together, we live 3 1/2 hours apart, was great. The few days after we were talking about telling our kids about each other...etc. well then, he gets into it with the to be ex and the next thing I know he tells me he can't be in a serious relationship right now. Needs to get this divorce behind him. Can't stretch himself so thin. Can't fall in love. Needs his space. WTH?? He is the one who started this, I was the hesitate one. He was the one so in love, talking about a future, marriage, house, etc. I don't understand? Now we need space? After I finally fall for you? Are you kidding me? I had trust issues and he knew that, everything he promised me he would never do he did. I understand he has PSTD. I understand he is going through a stressful divorce....I get it all. I have depression, anxiety and also have PTSD...not the kind he has and certainly not the severity. Mine is due to a car accident in which my child was in and the event of that night. It's mild. But still, I have my issues too. I would not shut him out. If anything I would need his love, comfort and support. Not Space! I really can't wrap my head around it. Some of the stuff makes sense that I am reading, but I still don't understand why are you shouting out the people who love and care about you? I want to help. Why can't you tell me what is really going on, cause this bs makes me feel horrible. I feel like I have been lied to and used. Yes, I am mad and will call and text you cause I deserve respect and answers and he would expect the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot. Just acknowledge people. Don't run and hide, that helps no one. I want to be there to help, but if you ignore me and tell me you need space, I don't understand, I can't wait forever when I don't really know what that means. I have been used, lied to and abused by men, so I have insecurity issues and he knows this. He knows communication is key to this relationship and he needs to talk to me always and be honest. So I am very lost and confused. How long do I wait? It's been a week? Should I wait? This divorce can take 2 years, does he really expect me to wait 2years? Do I contact him eventually? I don't know what to do. I am very hurt. I gave this man my heart and he crushed it. Now I am lost. I need advice.

 

[Chelle]

@msconfused I'm sorry to read that you've been hurt so much by the isolation. And I know it can be even more stressing when you have anxiety yourself. I'm so thankful that we all have the forum to not only talk with other supporters but to better understand what our suffers are going through themselves.

Completely understand having a partner that seems to be far ahead with wanting to commit and falling in love then their stress cup overflows and they isolate. Of course we know it's to protect themselves or to step back from all that's stressing them but emotionally, we are hurt and can't see why this person who seems to be so in love is shutting us out.

It's hard and all you can do is try to understand, hope they return and in the meantime live your life. Then you be there for them when the isolation is over. I'm still learning...sure all of us are. It's a process.

 

[EveHarrington]

Msconfused,

It seems that your guy is overwhelmed/over stressed and needs space in order to reduce these feelings. I believe that if you force your way into his life out of a demand for respect you will only increase his stress and he will grow more distant, the opposite of what you desire. It's not a matter of love conquering all. If love conquered all, people with PTSD would run to those who care about us the most. Unfortunately the need to reduce stress trumps all and that's where the isolation part comes in. It may not make sense from an outside perspective, but it makes a lot of sense if you can see it from a PTSD perspective of needing to reduce stress at all costs.

 

[Fadeaway]

Msconfused, he may not have been able to predict how this would affect him. It is unlikely that his intentions were to hurt you. He most likely believed that he was ready to get into a relationship with you. However, divorce is a huge life stressor and if it isn't going smooth, that is going to overflow his stress cup.

but I still don't understand why are you shouting out the people who love and care about you?

Sensory overload. Imagine you have a very bad sunburn. You just bought a shirt you adore and can't wait to wear it, but when you put the shirt on, it rubs right on the sunburn and it hurts like heck. You have to wait until the sunburn heals to comfortably wear the shirt no matter how much you like it.

Yes, I am mad and will call and text you cause I deserve respect and answers and he would expect the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot. Just acknowledge people.

You are asking for respect but you are not respecting his needs. it is ok to be angry, but it is important for you to know that expressing it to him is only going to push him further into isolation and make him more fearful of contacting you again because he will be worried about a guilt trip. Use this site as a venting board and if you do decide to tell him that you are upset, keep it short and sweet. Do not tell him more than once and do not keep texting him.

Don't run and hide, that helps no one.

Would you tell a person with a severe sun burn to not hide from the sun? He has had too much sun exposure (stress) now he needs to avoid the sun as much as possible to allow his skin to heal.

How long do I wait? It's been a week?

A week can seem like a very insignificant amount of time to someone who is overstressed. Did you contact him at all during that time? I ask because I have seen many supporters on this site say that they are giving their sufferer space only to find out they sent a text or two or three.

If you don't feel like you can wait long, figure out how long you can wait. If your limit is 3 weeks, then give him those 3 weeks and if he doesn't make contact then move one for both of your sakes. The isolation is going to be a pattern when he gets stressed, and if you can't deal with it now, will you be able to deal with it 2 years from now? If you have kids together?

 

[Msconfused]

Thank yo everyone for all your replies. Some of them actually helped me understand him a little better. I did try to contact him after 5 days to ask for his sisters phone number. He did not respond to me at all. I wanted to talk to her because the last time we were together he told me that his doctor took him off his anxiety meds and did not give him anything else. I am concerned because, I am no doctor, but, going through a stressful divorce, I would think would cause some unwanted anxiety. I just wanted her to make sure he is ok, since he won't talk to me. I am worried about his well being. The meds he was on we're not ones you could stop without having some nasty side effects. For what he said they just took him off of them...not weaned him off, which is dangerous. I could be wrong.

So, does everyone agree I should not contact him? Seriously, how long does this take? It's killing me not talking to him. He made me laugh and happy. Now it's increased my depression and my anxiety. This weekend is Valentine's Day, I can't send him a cute little quote/ saying about Valentine? Just to let him know I still care? This is so hard cause I love him and I feel like I need to let him know this and that I am here for him, but then I am afraid I am pushing.

Thank you all for listening to me. This has been so hard for me. I have no clue what he is going through, I am trying like hell to understand him.

Will he ever trust me enough not to push me away or need space from Me? I want to be his safe place, where he can feel love and at peace. If it's possible how do I get him to that point? What do I need to do?

 

[Casey_03]

Msconfused, I second everything @Fadeaway wrote above. No offense, but I think you are going about this all the wrong way. He clearly asked for space and you have given him the opposite. I know that someone saying "I need space" is not the most satisfactory explanation, but for PTSD sufferers, it's a very important request, probably the most important one. I don't know your guy, but I can say that from my own experience, any time a friend/boyfriend in my life behaved the way you did, I cut them off for good and never spoke to them again. All because they could not respect my space and just give me time, and their behavior just made my symptoms worse. I get the impression from what you've written that you want to fix him and be his magic cure -- you need to realize now that is never ever going to happen. That's just not how it works, and it is exactly that way of thinking that dooms relationships. You can't be his safe place, because he has no safe place, that's the point. You will never "cure" him so that you are his sanctuary, especially not by being overbearing and trying to get his sister's number. That just comes off as a bit unhinged and obsessive. You mention that his behavior has increased your depression and anxiety and is "killing" you -- if you want the relationship to work, you have to find a way so that it doesn't affect you so much. Maybe ask him to write you a letter explaining things in more detail when he does come around (but by no means now, when he is still in this phase). Writing is sometimes easier than explaining things verbally, so maybe it will help him open up. For now, instead of thinking about how much this is killing you, try to see the from his perspective -- whatever he is going through, you contacting him is causing him more stress and making it harder for him to figure things out. Ultimately, this has nothing to do with you at all, and you need to respect that, otherwise the relationship will never last.

 

[Chelle]

I agree with @Casey_03 . Of course we want to reach out but if he actually said "I need space" you should respect that. I know it's hard because you're hurting too but I think you should give him time.

Now I know it also can be on a case by case basis as far as reaching out is concerned but I think you should give him a little time since he's said "space". If you already had his family contact info, then I don't see why you couldn't ask how he's doing physically (because we already know he's stressed mentally) but since you don't have access to that contact info, it really isn't the right time now to try and get that from him. Maybe once he's out of isolation you both can have an open conversation about boundaries and what you and he both need during isolation periods.

In my experience, my bf said he liked that I was the only one reaching out when he's isolating because he shuts down out of fear for himself and the people he is around because his night terrors/visions make him angry and short tempered. According to him, he "craved comfort even when he thinks he doesn't deserve it for being selfish and shutting out the people he cares about and misses during that time". We're currently coming up on two weeks of isolation now because he says that his "mind isn't where it needs to be"; I'm giving him more space this go round though for my own mental stability.

**also want to note that last time my bf would occasionally message updates like "Im okay", "i miss you" or "on my way to the dr/therapy" so my case is a little different than yours @msconfused **

 

[Casey_03]

Msconfused, it's also possible the PTSD is not the reason for his behavior. Even people without PTSD do things like this, for myriad reasons. Relationships do sometimes just fizzle out or one person may have a change of heart or just have second thoughts. I'm not saying that is what is happening here, but I would say keep that in mind. A lot of supporters are very eager to blame every problem in their relationship on their partner's PTSD, and on the flip side of the coin, sufferers at times use their PTSD to explain away crappy behavior, but it's not always PTSD.

 

[Chelle]

Msconfused, it's also possible the PTSD is not the reason for his behavior. Even people without PTSD do...

Exactly this! One of my good ex vet friends (Marines) told me that I have to watch for that as well. He said that my sufferer could be using his PTSD as an excuse for some of his "forgetful and un-thoughtful behavior" (friend's words not mines) when it comes to events that are important to me.

 

[Msconfused]

Exactly this! One of my good ex vet friends (Marines) told me that I have to watch for that as well. He s...

A lot to think about. Especially the excuse of using ptsd as being a reason for isolation. I honestly don't believe that its an excuse. There is /was something different and very special about him. He told me from day on I was his soulmate and that fate brought us back together and he was never ever going to lose me again. That is why until now I was I was flipping out that he told me he wanted space. I was confused and didn't understand the sudden change. It wasn't until I started to research his condition and meds that I became educated on what "space" meant. If I did not find this site I would probably still be making some huge errors and pushing him further away. I just hope I didn't do to much damage. I don't know how I will know this. Is there a time when it will be OK for me just to send him a text to say hi and let him I was thinking about him? Or do I just leave him completely alone and let him contact me if he ever does?

 

[Msconfused]

Thanks again. I am glad I found this site. I honestly would have never thought it was PTSD. If I did not start researching his conditions and medications I would still be texting and calling him trying to figure this all out. I would have been causing him more stress and he would have fell deeper into this isolation. I would have not be any of the wiser. Now that everyone has educated me I can give him his space and hope he comes around soon. I just hope I did not do to much damage and I hope he knows that I am here for him and love him. I am afraid he may not think that.
One last thing, in a week or so would it be OK to just to send a text to say hi and that I hope he is well? Or do I just leave him completely alone and hope he reaches out to me? What if he doesn't reach out after weeks? Do I assume its over, how do I really know? I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to sit here and end up looking like a fool either.