An Open Letter To My Ptsd

[jd9900]

A short forward: I have been thinking about my PTSD and decided that if I am going to have to live with it, we are going to have to get along better. This letter is addressed to my PTSD, much like I would address any other letter to someone in my life I was having an issue with.
______________

Dear PTSD,

I want you to know that I understand we are going to be together for a very long time. Neither one of us may like it, but it's where we are.

For a long time, I have listened to you. You've told me what to do. Where to go. How fast and how far to run. It's starting to occur to me, though, you never have anything nice to say to me.

Maybe it is because I have treated you poorly. Tried to "Fix" you when in reality you will always be the same entity I first met. I'm sorry for this, and I am taking active steps to work on this.

In the meantime, it would also be very helpful if you could maybe tone it down a little bit. I understand everything makes you afraid, but sometimes, if you put a little trust in me, you'll see we can get though just fine.

PTSD, this one...this is a deal breaker. I can not drink anymore to fuel your rage. I won't do it. If you want to be afraid, you are going to have to find a way to do it on your own. I won't enable you anymore.

Thanks, PTSD. Wherever we end up tomorrow, I have a feeling, with this being said, we will be in a better place than we are today.

 

[Reds]

Maybe I should also address my PTSD. Maybe it will listen to me then. It is so unfair and selfish that it always wants to be in control. I like the letter

 

[jd9900]

Thank you. I am really trying to just accept I am stuck with this thing, and figure out how to get along with it. However, it needs to know I am back in the driver's seat.

 

[fly away home]

Some how, for some reason this really resonates with me...the need to get along with my ptsd rather than fight its presence, accept it for what it is, the thought that I don't have to like it but just make some room for it to breathe in my life and perhaps, it will give me a little breathing space too. Reading your letter brought the sting of regret and the flicker of hope. Thanks for putting it out there.

 

[jd9900]

I guess I feel like I am tired of fighting something un-winnable. It's time to realize how to live with it as best I can instead. This is very much a new realization for me, and I have no idea where it will take me, but I think it is worth a shot. EDIT: And I AM in a better place today.

I had a couple of minor incidents and instead of instinctively bucking at those thoughts I just....I guess..."spoke" to my PTSD. I said, "Remember what we talked about, bro. I'm trying to hold up my end of the bargain." And somehow the triggers seemed to fade with less anxiety.

 

[jd9900]

I would like to share with you some thoughts I have been having as I have been going down this...journy...of personifying my PTSD. And (as crazy as it may sound) I think if I am going to give my PTSD a voice, it has a right to speak. So here is my PTSD's open letter to me.

_______________________

Hey Bob. I am glad we are talking now. I feel like I have been shouting at you for years and you are finally willing to listen.

I understand what you are saying, and I am sorry I scare you. I really don't know how I ended up here either, but as you said, we have to find a way to make this work.

I know I yell a lot. I know I make you feel unsafe. This is a flaw I am working on. For this I am sorry.

I am a base instinct, Bob. I may yell and scream a lot, but you are the one with the higher cognitive power. I don't have access to rational thought; you do.

When I scare you, try to remember this. My goal is to keep you safe, and somehow, things just seemed to get out of hand. But I am always looking out for you, likely to a flaw.

And Bob, this one is also a deal-breaker for me. YOUR alcohol fuels MY rage. I don't drink it, but every time you do I have to live with it. If you really want to see change, you are going to have to put some legwork in yourself on this one.

I hope we can keep this dialogue up, I think talking about this is very helpful to both of us.

 

[DMerish]

Bob,

What an awesome idea! May I borrow it?

I've done/am doing therapy, my meds help, and I'm resolved to having PTSD but in a passive way as late . . . Rather than being resolved to having it, I need to reconcile the fact - to accept it more deeply as part of myself just like all my other "attributes" :) which have light and dark sides to them.

Kudos to you for coming up with this idea!!!

Drew

 

[jd9900]

Absolutely. If anything I say helps anyone else deal with this disorder it would only make me feel happier. Consider everything I say here public domain.

 

[jd9900]

I had another "conversation" with my PTSD today, and something odd happened I didn't expect. My alcoholism also developed a voice. I know this is a PTSD forum but these two problems I have are very much intertwined, so I wanted to hear him out.
_____________________

Bob, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with PTSD the other day.

I think it is awesome you are beginning to accept that it is something you have to live with. As someone that has also been with you for a long time, I have to say, I think this is a very impressive step.

I also heard what you said about me. That I have to go. I understand that I am a parasite, and that I am sucking the life out of you. I know I am making it much harder for you to achieve your goals. Unfortunately, I too will likely be around for a very long time.

But Bob, here is the difference. PTSD makes you react. Sometimes you know you have no choice and just have to separate yourself, and work through your coping mechanisms. But with me? Every time you pick up that bottle, you are making the choice to empower me, to give me the choice.

All you have to do is not pick up the bottle, Bob. You've done it before many times. I know PTSD will buck, and instinctively make you want to run back to me. When that happens, talk to him. You guys really are making progress.

EDIT:

Also, Bob, one more thing. You are a good person. You are not fueling PTSD's rage, I am. But you ARE fueling me.

 

[eav]

Wow, thank you for sharing this.

 

[bell]

Thank you for sharing this, @jd9900. I have lately come to realize that my PTSD and I have to live together, I just have to, like you said, put *myself* back in the driver's seat when I'm triggered. I'm tired of riding shotgun. :)

 

[scout86]

You know,this reminds me of something my therapist keeps suggesting that I do. He calls them "parts parties". I keep telling him that I don't actually LIKE parties and generally go way out of my way to avoid them...... He rolls his eyes and suggests "doing it anyway." :) Maybe there IS something to it!