An Out Of The Ordinary "feeling"

[Thinkingman85]

I have have PTSD for six years. For a couple years, I decided to isolate and just rest. I couldn't take outside pressures anymore and needed to put myself together. Currently, I'm still holding onto pain because it is where I feel secure. However, for the past month, there has been a "pulling" feeling. It seems like it's trying to pull me away from my pain and back to being "normal". For example, as I'm typing, the "feeling" is wanting me to get off the computer and watch T.V. It's sort of like this feeling doesn't want me to focus on my pain anymore. I'm hesitant on embracing this feeling because I'd have to step out of my comfort zone. However, for some reason, it seems like a doorway or something that will put me in the right direction. If I follow through with it, I believe that I'd have to reconnect with a lot of things that I went through in the past. And I don't know if I could handle it. Maybe, I'm finally recovering. Or, maybe this feeling is just my brain playing a sick game. Has anyone experienced this in their recovery process?

 

[ashdawn8287]

Yes, I have felt like that before. You just have to do what feels good and don't do anything that disrupts that. It takes time and patience so don't rush it or pressure yourself too much. It's okay to feel like that.

 

[The Albatross]

And I don't know if I could handle it.

That is the crux of the matter. Is stasis more comfortable and better because it's familiar? Or, is life as it presents itself on a day to day basis uncomfortable enough to roll with taking a risk that may offer improvement?

 

[Thinkingman85]

Albatross, my stasis state has always felt unfamiliar since the first day PTSD developed six years ago. However, I thought that it was the right way to be, so I have stayed in my PTSD world. Because of this, I haven't been able to get my life on the track I want. Staying in this world has not given me one day of peace. Every day has been pain no matter how hard I've tried. Ironically, I still believe that following this path will take my pain away. Also, I believe that the world won't care about me if I don't have PTSD and I won't be able to handle the rejection. I had a breakdown before. I don't want to have one again if it is true that people will reject me. So, I hold onto my pain. However, I'm recognizing many lies that the "PTSD voice" is saying. I'm starting to think that it is a demon (not in a literal sense, but something that is detrimental and unproductive). It seems like I'm hesitant on connecting with the "real world" because it may be too much.

 

[The Albatross]

How do these beliefs best serve you? If these beliefs do not get you where you would like to go, you can change them. It is YOUR experience, your life after all. You only get one.

 

[The Albatross]

Perhaps I am too blunt... but I have an online friend doing a 20-24 hour surgery with a not too good prognosis.

When the rubber hits the road, your experience is up to you. If your beliefs "best serve you" then by all means, carry on. But if you find they do not, you can elect to change them. It takes patience, practice, perseverance and persistence. It takes time and effort to change your mindset from familiar patterns/thinking behaviors... but it can, and does happen. Honest.

 

[Thinkingman85]

The beliefs serve me in being aware of how bad the world can be. With them, I focus on making the world a better place. However, these beliefs are very painful. Yeah, I can change my beliefs, but I don't know if any beliefs can resolve some experiences I've gone through. I don't know how changing a belief can take away the awareness that my father suffered horribly before he passed. No matter how many times I try to see things in a positive way, that reality is there emotionally hurting me. I just hope this feeling isn't permanent. I always hear stories about Vietnam vets having flashbacks and going crazy from what they've seen. I don't want to do the same things.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I might be scared of changing because I had a breakdown the last time. I was doing so well and some people tried to break me down. Unfortunately, it happened. If I get to a level like that again, I don't know if I could handle all of the jealous and manipulative people.

 

[The Albatross]

Fear is the mind killer (I'll give you the full quote): “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ~ Frank Herbert, Dune

My mind will tell me to fear because "it happened last time"... but the fact is I am not the person I was then. I have a wealth of experiences to draw on since that time. I can get tools and endeavor to learn how to handle "all of the jealous and manipulative people".

I would possibly question the validity of "jealous"... is that a reality or is that an ego builder? The quality of your life is directly proportional to your honesty and integrity in your ability to negotiate your obstacles to the best of your ability. I believe it. It is a belief that "best serves" me because I continually marshal up my resources and get up and get out. I take it on the chin, I keep my hands down... but I learned boundaries, I learned to care for myself. It is not a bad thing to learn from past experiences.

What, Thinkingman, have you learned from your past experience. What tools to you have now? What skills or assets that you didn't have before. Doubtless there are some.

 

[ashdawn8287]

There are also good people too. Changing those beliefs is critical for healing and getting to where you want to be. Face your fears thinkingman.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Basically, I gave up on people. I always felt like there was a battle and no matter what I did I would never have peace of mind. So now, I just try to teach people and give a positive message. The idea of me ever being accepted died six years ago. And if I ever try to change that belief, I feel threatened by people. I haven't given up. I just quit caring about the fight. The PTSD has infiltrated my mind and I can't trust anything that my mind tells me. So, I just do the best I can.

 

[Abstract]

I think feeling that pulling feeling is a very good sign. I have experienced that at various stages with various things.

Personally I would not analyse it too much and would go with it. It is your mind telling you it is time for change.