And Just Like That

[desiderata310]

Been kind of a shitty day. I was in a mood. Workouts didn't go right medication is doing crazy things to my heart rate. Angry at my life in general and what this SHIT this PTSD mess is getting in the way.

I drove home from work and put my key in the lock because I knew my son was at work.
The door was unlocked.
And just like that, the whole day changed.
I don't know how long I stood there half- frozen. I finally backed away, pulling the door to and texted my friend.. flashback. came back in my car screaming and wailing. Still holding the phone in my hand. The mssage back said to call the police.

All the while, a calmer side of my brain is talking:
" this is stupid. You're fine. No one is in there. Go IN."
Nothing doing.

And All I could do was wail at the dispatch woman. She kept asking me if I needed medical assitance. It took forever for her to figure out what was going on and she had two officers come out to check out the house.

I had to explain: I have a restraining order against my ex.

The responding officer: "ah, that explains all of this."
What? Me trying MIGHTLY not to completely freak out in front of them and failing, MISERABLY.
They checked it out.
No one inside.

It's taken me an hour to calm down enough to THINK. I sat and cried and cried.

f*cking PTSD.

 

[theotherside]

I feel ya on the shitty day. I'm having one too.
So sorry you had to go through that. People just don't understand sometimes.

I'm all shaky and having fast hr too. I'm trying new meds and I'm just in a crappy mood and kinda spaced out..

I hope you are able to comfort yourself and feel better soon.

 

[mytai]

@desiderata310 I'm sorry you had such a crappy day :( I would have been the same way if I came home and realized my door was unlocked. I hope you can settle yourself and relax a bit tonight. You did the right thing calling the police, better to be safe than sorry - and besides, it's their job to help in situations like that. You were smart to close the door and go to your car. Try not to beat yourself up for making a safe choice, you or your son very well could have forgot to lock the door, but you didn't know if that was the case and so you made a good choice and contacted the police to comb through your apartment.

Hugs if you want them :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

@desiderata310, I just want to add agreement to others - you did the right thing, calling. And try and not get too hard on yourself. I know it can feel like sliding all the way back to zero, but I dunno...I think zero might have been not calling the police and driving away in a mad panic instead....you know?

You had a real fright, and real reasons for it.

 

[desiderata310]

@joeylittle It was so miserably embarrassing.
I was trying with all my might to come back out of the flashback and anxiety attack and talk to this woman on the phone. The crying was in uncontrollable waves. I kept trying to just breathe through it. I wasn't in imminent danger and I knew that. If he was inside- I was OUTSIDE and in a locked car. It didn't matter. The thought of him POSSIBLY being in ther left me in a puddle.
She really did think she needed to call an ambulance for me because i was having so much trouble calming down. NO, I don't need to be transported and given medication which triggered an additional anxiety and I had to fight to keep my voice at a place that she could understand what was being said. Again, on the inside I'm SCREAMING at myself "WHAT THE HELL WOMAN?! SHE CAN'T EFFING UNDERSTAND YOU! SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THE CRYING AND TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!

I can't blame her for asking me again if I needed medical assitance.
I was in an ugly spot. I probably should have waited till I was calmer to call but.. I don't know.
Shoulda coulda woulda.

When the police got there.. oh god... I was a tear stained, snotty mess.
Had to explain that I had a restraining order out against my ex.
"oooh! I see. I understand what this is all about."
Well, no not really... but yes, yes, you do or at least you KINDA get it. If he had pushed further I would have just dissolved in a puddle and probably would have wound up in an ambulance with a little ativan in my veins to make it all stop.
*sigh*

This is not the first time I've had such a spectaular meltdown in public but it's the first time that police were involved.

 

[joeylittle]

We should have a trophy on the site for 'first meltdown in front of law enforcement'. You could wear it with pride :lurking:

I hear you. There is nothing worse - nothing - than trying to deal with communicating your needs while being triggered. I do think it is the worst thing in the world. My spectacular matching story would be the time someone tapped me on the shoulder just outside CVS. And then the police are there, and you can tell from the look in their eyes that they are sussing out whether you need medical intervention...

Honestly, the fact that you communicated, that you got the cops there, and that they didn't think you needed medical intervention - I think the comparison I'm looking for is the difference between jumping into a pool and totally belly-flopping vs. jumping in and just face-planting. Still not ideal, but better than the belly-flop.

But, just - ugh. Ugh. And ugh. Here's a bag to put over your head, for awhile, if it'll help: :bag:

Also - glad you're ok.

 

[desiderata310]

So I belly-flopped instead of face planted...
ok.. or just took a tumble instead of endo-ed

I think I'll pass on that particular trophy... it's a terribly ugly thought and horribly amusing (given the community) to think about passing some sort of ... PTSD rite of passage... CONGRATULATIONS! You've made a spectical of yourself in front of law enforcement!. *sigh*

And yes, the police looking at me very oddly trying to decide if they needed to go ahead and call for medical? *hangs head in shame* I swear I was doing everything I could THINK of to calm down. I was arguing with myself that I was safe but at that point the sobs had taken over.

At one point I think I tried to tell the dispatch that I had PTSD and I kept apologizing because I couldn't quit crying. I don't think she quite understood...

Once they left I sobbed and heaved for a long while trying to calm down... at that point I think it was relief and shame.

 

[joeylittle]

I hear you. Keep on breathing, as best you can. Do you see your T soon?

 

[desiderata310]

Wednesday is when we meet again.

I saw where I texted him in a panic saying only that "the door was unlocked" I sent him one a bit ago telling him that I had the police come over. No other specifics. I'm embarrassed at the prospect of texting or emailing him again.
Good job telling folks how you're really doing there, Desi.

I tried to do a mindful meditation that he'd sent me but got annoyed because the voice kept telling me to bring my awareness back to my breath (but it WAS!!) and then made reference to treating my awareness like a puppy and I lost it when it said "there's no need to beat the puppy"
I couldn't decide if I should laugh or cry or what! I did turn it off.

 

[joeylittle]

OMG. OK, I just spit out my iced tea. "there's no need to beat the puppy". I cannot. even. No. I'd vote for laugh AND cry, why pick one when both can do? This is why I just don't chance it with anyone except Jon Kabat-Zinn. He's very no-frills, no zen, no puppies, just some things to think about while breathing. He's all over youtube if you wanna give him a shot.

Oh my. Don't beat the puppy. OK, mindfulness recording, I won't. Sigh.

 

[desiderata310]

No puppies! AWESOME! so no puppies to beat either!!
:roflmao:

 

[Neverthesame]

I was not going to tell a living soul about this. Just happened about 20 minutes ago. As soon as it happened all I could think was, "yup, one of those days..."

1:30 am Just leaving work, walking down the front of the building to the street. Fumbling with my phone, then BANG, CRASH! I walked smack into a fire lane sign. Then it actually fell down. I think I woke up half a block. Scared the shit out of myself.

Yup, it's one of those days.

Hope that gives you a bit of a laugh. I'll be laughing about it later when I calm down.