Sufferer Anger & inability to be myself

[Carrie White]

Hi,
After much consideration, I have decided to register.
I am female and employed.
I am a legal immigrant and have since become a naturalized citizen.

My problem is...
well, actually I have several problems: severe eating disorder, from binge eating to bulimia, self-harm, anxiety disorder (I am always afraid that something will happen to my loved ones), inferiority complexes (and sometimes real self-hatred), addiction.
But I think there is one cause for all of this: I was severely bullied as a teenager. It wasn't childish teasing, but systematic humiliation, sometimes with sexual components. At the time, I suppressed it and learned to escape into daydreams. I can really step out of reality and avoid unpleasant things that way. But it only helps in the short term.

It destroyed me inside and I didn't become what I could have been. I'm like a chameleon that adapts to its surroundings so that something like that never happens again, so that I never become an outsider again. And then at some point I get fed up with this charade and break out, run away to start over somewhere new. But as soon as I'm back among people, I have to act again... I just can't be myself because I'm too afraid of people and their reactions.

I wonder if bullying is also a trauma?

Actually, I thought trauma was something much worse: war, rape, or something like that.
And I don't have nightmares.

But on the other hand, it was something that destroyed my former personality, my true self.
I have a deep hatred for my former bullies, and I have transferred this hatred to my entire country of origin, even to the language.

That's why I chose this nickname; sometimes I want to destroy them like Carrie.
There is a lot of anger inside me.

Sometimes I am afraid of myself, that I will lose control.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

Bullying is very often synonymous with things like verbal taunting in the schoolyard, but can often go much further and definitely cause trauma-related disorders and a whole host of related issues.

Glad you found us - hope this is a helpful resource:)

 

[arfie]

hello carrie. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

in my own recovery from child sex trafficking, anger channeling has been/is the more important piece of my therapy. anger reduces my intelligence to the level of a loaded assault rifle. until i calm my rage, being myself without shooting off is somewhere between difficult and dangerous. by fortunate coincidence, most of my anger channeling exercises are also great physical exercises which help mightily with maintaining a healthy weight. my weight problem is underweight, but physical exercise helps on that end of the spectrum, as well. if i lie in bed eating high calorie foods, i will waste away even faster than if i am maintaining active levels of exercise.

but that is me and every case is unique. steadying support while you sort your own case.

welcome aboard

 

[DownwardSpiral]

Welcome.
I also suffer with anger issues like the ones you described. Even though I received minor bullying, the anger felt when thinking back to those moments is enough to bring you back to the past.
It's not a good idea to time travel, generally. Ruminating on what could have been is easier than seeing what can you do now.
But I really loved watching Carrie.
I hope your healing journey goes well.

 

[Torch]

I wonder if bullying is also a trauma?

Yes, another term for 'bullying' is peer abuse.

There is a lot of anger inside me.
Sometimes I am afraid of myself, that I will lose control.

Do you have any constructive outlets, or ways to channel and transform your anger?

 

[Carrie White]

Thanks to everyone.

I've learned how to deal with anger to some extent. In any case, I've managed not to become a criminal or suicidal.
Anger is something that keeps me alive.
Without anger, I would just be depressed.
Anger helps me a lot, yes.
And daydreaming, I can escape reality wonderfully.
Yes, I know, they're not the best coping strategies. But they're effective.
They allow me to function well, which is ultimately the most important thing.

 

[Carrie White]

And one more thing:
Fear plays a very important role in my life.
It is both a curse and a blessing.
A curse because I am constantly afraid that something will happen to my closest relatives or friends.
A blessing because it prevented me from making big mistakes.
I was afraid that if I took drugs, I would lose my green card. So I stayed away from drugs, even though I wanted to try them.
When I became a naturalized citizen, I tried almost everything, thinking that nothing could happen to me anymore. It happened pretty quickly; within six months, I was hooked. It was only a small step for me from total abstinence to opiates.
And again, it was fear that saved me. I was terrified of prison, or rather of the people there, so I forced myself to stop before I fell into social decline.