Anger Issues & How To Handle Bullies

[712xx]

Keep in mind the frontal lobe of the brain doesn't fully mature till around 26 years of age. This area of the brain is involved in thinking about the consequences of your current actions before you do them. It has themost dopamine receptors than any other part of the brain -- which involves reward, pleasure, social acceptance (mostly peer related).

Asking someone who was much yonger when developing ptsd, to have good reactive skills is asking a bit much. The development was interupted. A good metaphor is like when the jello is almost congealed, then stiring it up when it is still semi-liquid.

Might as well ask a 3rd grader to do caculus before learning how to divide. Some 3rd graders can do calculus, but they are exceptions, not the norm. Just as ptsd developers are the exceptions, not the norm, and should be treated as such. However, ptsd'ers are often expected to learn how to react in society (who knows little about ptsd) on a normal level.

This was my question -- how to WE handle bullies? How can the person who has bad reactive skills deal with people that love to annoy and pick on others for fun? We can certainly fake good reactions ... I do all the time, while inside I am so angry. That unexpressed anger is often turned inward because I have no where else I can direct it. Because I have ptsd, it means I am not allowed to express my true feelings. I am not allowed to be myself. If I do, I'll get hauled off and locked away again.

It is frustrating, to deal with anger. There doesn't seem to be a healthy way to deal with it. I have a punching bag and some kick mattresses ... mauling them expells the anger energy, but does nothing to decrease the scar each anger episode leaves on my 'soul'. I don't want to have a hard heart -- this is the only reason why I think of myself as a good person. If I didn't want to be a good person (sometimes that want is very thin), Id very easily be on death row for having done some terrible things to people that I thought deserved it.

I know there has to be some healthy ways to soften that anger ... not just the energy of it, but the effect it has on my personality; on the natural 'self'. There is a layer of 'yuck' that is left behind afterward. I just wish I knew how to wash it away.

 

[ericaboo]

All I've got right now is - do something special and nice for yourself right away. Something to remind yourself that you are deserving of good things, and their opinion is completely irrelevent.

Take a deep breath, pop a hard candy and say to yourself: You can't hurt me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Helps - sometimes....)

 

[712xx]

Thanks erica :) Yeah, I do external things, just wish I knew how to get rid of the internal stuff. There has to be a way to change the anger reaction altogether. I don't want it in me to want to hurt other people, but it is there. It doesn't do me any good to have this 'serial killer' waiting inside for the day my'wanting to be a good person' breaks and it gets a chance to come out. I definitely don't want that; I'd just assume end my own life before that happens.

I can't even allow a few moments of thinking of certain people before I quickly have to find a distraction. It is a very anxious feeling to need to grasp at the rational good person and hang on till the bad settles back down. I've even had to plan to call the police if any of those people I loath show up at my door -- not because I'd be afraid for my life, but because I'd be capable of taking their's.

If only there was a way to learn the anger out, and replace it with something healthier; teach the body to feel something else.

 

[Naya]

712xx, if the conversation with your stepfather went the way you described, that was abusive on your stepfather's part.

Step Father: So all of a sudden you want to be a genius? What are you really doing?​

Think about it; would you say that to someone you supposedly care about who was trying to study? Would you then walk away laughing on top of it?

Abuse is abuse.

I just wanted to validate your experience.

Hugs,
Naya

 

[ericaboo]

712xx - I totally agree and also wish I had the answers for the inner part. Some people I just have to stay away from. That's the only answer I've got...

Hang in there...

 

[712xx]

Thanks Naya & erica. I think the context is difficult for some people to understand, since everything up till then (up till nearly 16) was the major abusive period of time, and then (this scenerio @ 17) being treated like a hopeless cause was very mild in comparison, but was deliberate (passive-aggressive) salt in my wounds.

I was trying to latch on to something that I could do. It was the first real turning point I can point to that I remember a swelling feeling of wanting something better, and trying to find it on my own. I didn't feel like I had solid help or support, and thought the whole world was against me. Even if it was just one test that I could pass, or the next homework assignment I could turn in on time, I wanted to do it for the sake of bettering myself and not because I thought it would help correct my all my failures.

He couldn't manage one word of encouragement, because that wasn't the tone of our relationship. This was my mother's 3rd marriage, along with many 'guy friends' in between. There has been a long line of passive-aggressive attitudes, and 'just get over it' comments. By this time I had had about a year of being left alone to do my own thing, but the damage had been done. They didn't see it that way though.

I was working 3 part time jobs and going to school (but not all the time). I would go through periods of 'I hate everyone and don't care about anything' ... but, then I'd turn around and want to catch up and be productive and do all the right things.

I had no one close to me that could help me, except a therapist that kept telling me to 'pull my self up by my boot straps' and such simmilar sayings. I wanted to buy a pair of boot straps just so I could throttle her with them.

Facing the world, it always felt like it was 'them' and me. There has been a handful of very nice, well-intentioned people that have crossed my path, but none that has been apart of my life long term. By then I didn't give anyone a chance to 'be' in my personal life for very long; I didn't know how, and was too jaded and paranoid. The pain isn't worth the risk.

I'm left angry, bitter, and don't know how to get rid of those feelings. There has to be a way, and one day someone will come along (maybe long after I'm gone) and have an answer people can use effectively. If my question leads to someone else being helped, I'd be okay with that.

 

[evergreen]

I wish I had answers, but I am in the same boat. I avoid most people and situations to not have it happen.

I had major anger over a situation, and I was feeling a need to just express it and I really wanted to hurt the people I was mad at. I envisioned being an elephant and destroying their homes with them inside. It was fun.

 

[Naya]

I feel you, 712xx. It's a lonely place to be. Good for you for wanting to focus on your strengths and to give yourself victories and a sense of accomplishment. Sorry to hear people try to diminish that. I'm so happy you refuse to lie down, though. That is very encouraging for me as a fellow survivor.

I'm at a point in my life where I've had to become very selective about who I let close to me. And my best friend right now, to be honest, is me - my adult, competent, capable self. And with encouragement and support from my therapist and a slowly growing circle of other compassionate and supportive people, I am showering my wounded parts with all the love, support, encouragement and validation that I did not get growing up. It's still hard, painful and terribly lonely at times, but I can honestly say that it's getting better, and I'm slowly able to let some people in.

And I can sooooo relate to wanting to choke, throttle, stomp, (you name it) bullying and otherwise abusive people. I can relate to what folks have shared about getting satisfaction from imagining it, and your comment, I wanted to buy a pair of boot straps just so I could throttle her with them, gave me a delightful chuckle. :^D

More and more, I find that I'm able to let my rage fuel my resolve to stand up to abusive people where necessary. With practice, it's getting easier, and I'm slowly seeing positive results in my life.

And my rage is one aspect of myself I'm learning to embrace. It exists for a reason. For me (and this is a little scary for me to share), I have found it helpful to personify it - give it its own image in my mind and its own name. This has given me a little emotional distance from it so I can view it ("him", as I see it) more objectively. The more I tune in and listen to him, where he comes from and what he is trying to do for me, I see that he is good. He looks less scary and ugly to me. In fact, my therapist has helped me to see the sad, hurting, little kid under the scary rageful mask. I visualize (at the suggestion of my therapist) myself hugging that little kid - a lot! He doesn't ask me for it, because he thinks he's bad and doesn't deserve it. So like a good mommy, I just give it to him on a regular basis. And he is responding positively - softening, trusting me more and more to take good care of "us". So he feels safe to step back and let me handle situations that trigger him to jump into the driver's seat. (I experience his being in the driver's seat as overwhelming rage, and I become afraid that I will say or do something I'd really rather not - in fact, I sometimes do!)

Still, I find this part of me very useful now that I understand his purpose. He exists is to alert me that "our" boundaries are being crossed, and that I need to step up and take care of them in a healthy adult way (which I am learning to do).

I hope this helps.

Lastly, I found this thread by doing a search for threads about bullying because I'm seeking support around this issue myself. Thank you for having the courage to bring it up!

 

[712xx]

Wow Naya, I knew someone would have a useful 'tool' to use against anger and rage, but didn't know it would be for my eyes to see. :tup: Great suggestion about personifying the emotion. I've done that with other things -- well, more like view points.

I see the suicidal part of myself as a separate person, and sometimes a wounded animal. It helps a lot to take it as a separate entity, and the burden of that feeling is compartmentalized and is more managable in this form. Thanks for reminding me, and helping me use it for this anger business. Another useful tool! Maybe I won't be able to use it all the time, and maybe it will take practice before it is actually helpful, but it is definitely worth trying.

But all you posters and scary intelligent people out there, don't stop thinking and inventing. Keep thinking about how to manage anger and rage, and those slimy feelings they leave behind in their wake. I'm a query-creature. All I am good for is coming up with questions; rarely do I have good ideas to solve them. But, everyone can have a role in this life's play. Some write the script (try not to look to deeply into that though; it can mess you up), some direct, some act, some work on the stage, some work the lights, and some are the audience.

The sum of 1+1 doesn't always = 2. I'd like to try thinking more, so we can experience less of the S in ptsd.

 

[Naya]

Glad it was helpful. I can also relate to personifying the suicidal part. Thank you for sharing your experience with that! I have found it helpful to do that for my despairing/suicidal part as well. For awhile, I left uplifting notes for "her" around "our" living space (another suggestion of my therapist), and I have inspirational pictures around my workspace that resonate with and soothe "her". I sometimes feel amazed at how much these things are helping. For me, it's become a matter of using tools to work with those parts of me I'd rejected as bad or neglected as shameful, rather than using tools against them - if you get my distinction. It is this shift to a teamwork approach with all the aspects of myself that I am finding the most useful.

Still, taking it day-by-day with the bully at work. The best part is that the more I learn about standing up for myself in healthy ways, and the more I put that into practice (even when I don't do it "perfectly"), the less intensely triggered I feel in response to her. It's a work in progress...

And it helps that y'all are here. It helps to read posts and know that so many people are working to be healthy and whole - against the odds. Thanks for the hope and inspiration, all.