Angry, Angry, Angry. I Am So Angry.

[Justmehere]

I have been getting caught up in a lot of anger lately. I'm at my wits end with myself!

I am going to court and talking to victims rights compliance office this week - major triggers. So there are reasons why I am more vulnerable to being angry, but my anger is coming out at random-ish people.

This morning, I woke up to snow. (I live next to the mountains with very unpredictable weather.) I generally don't mind spring snowstorms, but the power was out. I called my electric company and they told me they have no known account at my address and they don't service my address. (I just moved into this place a month ago.) They told me they had accidentally set up my account for the right street address, but wrong city - a city 200 miles away and it was now up to me to prove I don't live in that other city. I called the landlord who directed me back to them. Now the company said no, my address is service by another company. I called the other electricity company who said no they don't provide service anywhere in the state.... and so on and so on.

2 hours later with the temps dropping fast, I was standing in the snow on the edge of self injury about to scream at the first electric company that their NAME WAS ON THE METERS... please just send someone to turn the heat back on and we will figure out the rest later!

I could barely even talk. Even at that moment, I knew that others in my building had reported the outage and all I needed to do was get out and go someplace warm until the crews got around to our neighborhood and the heat came back on.

But I was angry and I called them even when I knew it wouldn't change anything about the power being out.

I called because wanted to be heard that no, the meters were in their name and they needed to hear me and stop telling me they don't even service our area.... I didn't want to feel even momentarily silenced. I felt so upset, and I don't even know why or what the heck got into me.

My therapist keeps telling me this is PTSD related...

I called the unity company and ended up screaming at a poor woman who rightly hung up on me. I then hung up and was overwhelmed with self injurious thoughts. I had so much anger, it's like I wanted to express it not just outwardly, but inwardly too. Anything to make the anger and pain stop. I didn't self injure but it took awhile to get on with my day.

I am so upset that I yelled at them. It was hurtful to do to the woman who answered the phone and who was rude but still trying to help.

I stopped my spiral and I got back in control, but then later on, I was triggered again. That time I didn't yell at anyone but my goodness... I am so firey today. This is not entirely like me to be THIS jumpy and rageful.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared I will scream at someone again. :(

Anyone ever deal with anything like this? My therapist says that it is trauma related anger that is spilling over. How do I rein it back in? My goodness, I will do anything to restrain myself. But I failed today and I'm scared I will fail again if I don't figure out something to do to pull myself back into control.

 

[SeanCharles]

@Justmehere I think part of the issue right now is we're in a FULL Moon cycle. I know that this is affecting pretty much a lot of people including me! Hang in there and hopefully these things will work out fairly quickly. :hug:

 

[nahla1204]

I have no words of wisdom. I just wanted to send hugs. :hug:

 

[Seaotter]

You have every right to be angry, you have every right to feel how you feel, be angry, you're getting rid of something...go with it. Don't reign it in, don't control it, don't hurt yourself or anyone else, but go and scream somewhere, go to the dollar store and get some plates, get a sharpie and write your anger down on them and smash them. It's ok to feel and it's ok to not understand why - feel it, give in to it and when you're done hug yourself close and know we are here and we appreciate you. .

 

[SeanCharles]

Feelings are neutral! They are neither right or wrong! They just are. I was not dismissing your expressions of anger. I was feeling angry myself today for several reasons too... Hopefully this anger will dissipate very soon! :)

 

[Dorian Gray]

@Justmehere I am generally a pretty controlled person (on the outside...), but had an incident last week where I went ballistic and scared myself a bit. A new neighbor moved in above, and she has extremely loud footfalls, which is a trigger for me. I was trying to write a program that required a high level of concentration, and she was making a lot of noise. First, I put on headphones and some lyric-free music...but she was so loud I could hear her straight through the headphones--and they are those huge airplane-style ones. I felt a burning anger and sense of righteousness rise through me--How dare she screw up my programming? I'm just trying to improve my life and she has to ruin it? These thoughts were pretty irrational, in retrospect, but I felt justified.

The noise continued, and my anger and frustration escalated to a feverish state. I screamed "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" over and over, and slammed all of the doors and cabinets in the kitchen. In my banging and slamming around, I broke one of the doors off of its hinge. Of course the result of this was that she became even louder, and in the aftermath of my rage incident, I felt worthless, exhausted, and had some suicidal ideation.

My T says that 10 watts of that anger was appropriate to direct towards the neighbor. The other 990 watts were mine alone. I tend to agree with him on that.

 

[PureDogs]

@Justmehere

Yes - I can relate to feeling so angry and I do agree with your T - PTSD related as it is.

My anger is mostly comes from my PTSD experiences.

Do I identify what I am so angry about? Sometimes.