Angry Confused Hurt

[Desiresdestiny]

I don't know where to begin but out of nowhere I felt drawn back to a place in time where a pastor told me what's your problem you were not raped. Yes I was not raped as a child but I was touched bitten hit and forced to do oral sex for 4 years. So I can't be hurt angry and left feeling betrayed? This just got triggered today; I'm in a better place in my life and have a really good T but I just feel guilty that I feel used when I was not raped. Abuse is abuse but sometimes I feel I should be over it. Sorry this is just a vent and wanted a safe place to say what I really feel...

 

[OMNICELL]

Sounds like rape to me. What would you define it as. I would choose my own view of things.. My own words, its my story.

As for Church people; I would stay with the therapist. Church people can be very judgmental with little knowledge of anything over the average balance sign... These people know little to zero about real world problems.

 

[Desiresdestiny]

Thank you Omnicell; yes I sticking to therapists. I have had to many experiences with pastors that have left me feeling shamed and betrayed all over again.

 

[The Albatross]

What drew you back to the invalidating experience? "I feel I should be over it"? Your mind complied with what it thought you wanted and retrieved a memory of someone, your pastor (former pastor?). It is uncomfortable when my mind does this, and a hard habit to break. But it is a habit or behavior that can be broken and change. Perhaps this is a good time to work on it with your T?

When I get this stuff, I try to actually "play it all the way to the end" (where I am now, in the present). Innoculating myself with being in the present, and turn my efforts to dealing with the feeling that provoked the memory.

Of course, your pastor was very wrong and misguided.

 

[Srain]

Omnicell, I'm very sorry you sexually abuse and your trust violated by those in positions of authority who's position it was to guide and comfort you. It sickens me and hurts my heart for you.

I don't find it unusual that you would be drawn to return to the place these crimes took place nor sadly do I find it odd that you were discounted, hoping for maybe a little validation. Church or not there is often a need for denial and many reasons for that but what struck me was your sense of shame and betrayal for putting your trust in the wrong people, at the same time calling it what it is "abuse is abuse".

My father never did own up to his part in my abuse, nor did the others. The shame is not mine nor is it yours and to get to the heart of that understanding takes work on our part.

Please take good care of yourself,
Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Desiresdestiny, good for you for trying to get over it. That's what "I feel I should be over it" really means and anything else is just wallowing in trouble. So your instinct is pushing you in the right direction. Hoooowever obviously you have plenty of reason to still need help, and feeling guilty isn't right - that pastor is an idiot.

 

[Desiresdestiny]

Albratross, Rain and Tavern thank you for the kind words and encouragement.

I think that situation got triggered because I have been told by family that I need to be over it so the idiot just reinforced it. I also have a hard time verbalizing my feelings of shame so yeah going to church just stirred those feelings... I know there are good pastors out there so I don't want to paint the picture that that all pastors are bad. My faith is important to me; it's just that what was said to me just left me feeling like the whole abuse situation was nothing...

 

[Bubba]

Desiresdestiny - I totally understand how you feel! I wasn't "raped", but experienced an attempted rape when I was 7 (boy pulled me to the side of a house and told me to take my pants off). I ended up getting away - but the fear and trauma were there. I often feel guilty that I didn't experience the horrible things that other people have experienced (even what you have experiences - bitten, oral sex, etc...) - so why am I such a mess in life?

I know people here in this forum would say that trauma is trauma - it doesn't matter how awful an act it was. And regardless - PTSD is PTSD. The type of trauma doesn't matter - PTSD is what it is - we all have it and we are all trying to deal with it.

But still - there is some guilt there. My inner critic often tells me that I should "just get over it". That I should just be stronger. But then something triggers me and the anxiety kicks in and I start disassociating.

Just don't listen to what people who don't truly know about PTSD say - they don't get it. PTSD and all that comes with it is basically the same for everyone. There are many of here that can attest to that. I've never found a place where so many people "get me" and where I can actually feel connected to other human beings - even if it is thru a computer :-).

 

[Desiresdestiny]

First of all, Bubba, thank you for this!!! This brought tears to my eyes because this is how I exactly feel..

I have only been on this site for a few days and I am truly overwhelmed by the support n love from people here!!!

Sending you a hug!!!!

 

[NIKI]

You have every right to feel angry and hurt! You were abused! It is not something that you can "just get over" you have to work through it. I'm so glad you have a good T.

Please do not feel guilty for something that was done to you against your will. It was not your fault.

Your pastor was WRONG!

*Healing Hugs for you*

 

[Desiresdestiny]

Thank you Niki, I really appreciate it... I know I feel so different just from the support from everyone on the site!!! Thank you!!!!

 

[Srain]

****Desiresdestiny, I'm sorry for posting your name wrong in my reply.
****Thank you, Taven for letting me know. :)