Bipfroggit
Not Active
It's my birthday and i cried today. Birthdays are hard as it is, but this year's birthday was a special kind of failure.This whole weekend has been stressful.
Someone close to my dad's partner died a few days ago, and it has been overshadowing my birthday because my dad is the only person i celebrate my birthday with usually. He has been torn between comforting his partner and spending time with me. He made plans for my birthday that i didn't really want to go through with but i stupidly didn't voice my true wants (because it is not something i was raised to even think about doing) also because the events of the funeral got me so anxious for the past week, i couldn't think much about my own birthday. So it all came out today and i just realized, this isn't how i wanted to spend MY day. All my life i have been catering to the needs and wants of others without ever tending to my own needs and wants. This is why i am so bad at making plans for my birthday, because i am so NOT used to asking for things i really want if i think it will inconvenience someone else. I just have been going with the flow barely and hoping nothing disastrous happens. I have been trying to be more vocal about my wants but i still have a hard time realizing them.
I basically told my dad i didn't want him home because his attitude and distraction was stressing me out even more and making me feel even more sad on my birthday. I didn't get any sleep last night. I wanted to get away from the city (because the fireworks make me jump and it drives me nuts) but even that didn't work out very well. My dad wanted to go to the beach but i didn't really want to go. I am not crazy about the idea of being at the beach on my birthday, i would rather go to a restaurant or see a movie.
I have no friends who I see regularly, so none of my friends called me or visited me. That's not so bad though because i am so used to being alone. The person i have a crush on is out of town and i don't want to tell them how horribly stressful my birthday was.
I feel slightly better now that i am alone, but this was the first birthday where i gave up on trying to make it decent, and i just sang the song to myself and cut the cake myself.
I think from now on i won't ask anyone to celebrate my birthday with me unless they really want to. It hurt because i felt like my dad only wanted to stay home with me because he felt guilty about leaving me alone and that isn't right! I told him NOT to feel guilty because of me. I am just putting so much unneccesary stress on myself and feel like i should be more grateful for what i DO have today. The death of people close to you really affects everything and i feel stupid for not holding off on my birthday activities until wayyy after the funeral stuff was over. Oh well maybe next year will be better. who knows.
Someone close to my dad's partner died a few days ago, and it has been overshadowing my birthday because my dad is the only person i celebrate my birthday with usually. He has been torn between comforting his partner and spending time with me. He made plans for my birthday that i didn't really want to go through with but i stupidly didn't voice my true wants (because it is not something i was raised to even think about doing) also because the events of the funeral got me so anxious for the past week, i couldn't think much about my own birthday. So it all came out today and i just realized, this isn't how i wanted to spend MY day. All my life i have been catering to the needs and wants of others without ever tending to my own needs and wants. This is why i am so bad at making plans for my birthday, because i am so NOT used to asking for things i really want if i think it will inconvenience someone else. I just have been going with the flow barely and hoping nothing disastrous happens. I have been trying to be more vocal about my wants but i still have a hard time realizing them.
I basically told my dad i didn't want him home because his attitude and distraction was stressing me out even more and making me feel even more sad on my birthday. I didn't get any sleep last night. I wanted to get away from the city (because the fireworks make me jump and it drives me nuts) but even that didn't work out very well. My dad wanted to go to the beach but i didn't really want to go. I am not crazy about the idea of being at the beach on my birthday, i would rather go to a restaurant or see a movie.
I have no friends who I see regularly, so none of my friends called me or visited me. That's not so bad though because i am so used to being alone. The person i have a crush on is out of town and i don't want to tell them how horribly stressful my birthday was.
I feel slightly better now that i am alone, but this was the first birthday where i gave up on trying to make it decent, and i just sang the song to myself and cut the cake myself.
I think from now on i won't ask anyone to celebrate my birthday with me unless they really want to. It hurt because i felt like my dad only wanted to stay home with me because he felt guilty about leaving me alone and that isn't right! I told him NOT to feel guilty because of me. I am just putting so much unneccesary stress on myself and feel like i should be more grateful for what i DO have today. The death of people close to you really affects everything and i feel stupid for not holding off on my birthday activities until wayyy after the funeral stuff was over. Oh well maybe next year will be better. who knows.
