Another Post On Emotions

[Barberian]

Recently someone posted about emotions. I don't want to hijack that thread so I post here.

Recently the topic of emotions has come to my attention from many places, this forum, the civie forum, my T, a few articles I've stumbled across on the internet and of course my own mental ramblings. This all came to my attention about the same time I came to the conclusion I needed to start working on getting rid of the anger and hate deep inside I've been in denial about.

As I have been trying to "feel" more, allow myself to be happy, sad, etc it loosens the control I have over my anger and hate. This is a very dangerous thing for me, as I'm sure it is for everyone with anger management issues.

Last week I saw a young lady throw an almost full Monster drink (super energy drink) out the window of her car at a 7-11 when I was about to fuel my truck. At first I didn't think much about it, but within a few seconds I became pissed. I don't like trash on the streets and I don't like litter'ers. I stopped what I was doing and walked over to her car, picked up the drink and handed it back to her. It landed on it's side with the opening at the top so it still had most of the drink in it. I almost poured it on her as I handed it to her but managed to maintain control, barely.

I said "Here, you dropped your drink". She looked at me and said she didn't drop it, she threw it out. I was already angry, this pissed me off more. I told her if I ever see her do something like that again I will personally arrest her for littering. She said "go ahead I have money" and a few other not so nice things I can't remember because of my anger. She pulled out of the parking spot and as she pulled away she threw out the drink again. It landed a few feet in front of me. I took a few quick steps to it, picked it up and threw it at her car as hard as I could hopeing it would spray the drink all over it and hopefully chip the paint. It bounced off her bumper and didn't spill much. :mad: She sped off.

I was ready to kill her if she had stopped and confronted me. This whole situation has me very concerned. Such a normally low stress, low possibility of a normal person becomeing violent and ready to kill over someone littering? I don't have the training, nor life experiences of a soldier or Marine. I do have some extensive anti-terrorist and counter terrorist training. I was on a anti/counter terrorist team for almost 3 years at my first command. We were basicly a SWAT team in everything but name because the US military couldn't have a SWAT team on US soil at the time. President Reagan used PT. Mugu (my first command) to transition from Air Force One to Marine One or motorcade almost every time he went to his ranch or to a political function from central to southern CA. That is why we were trained so much. We were used as the "expendable" first alert perimiter guards. This training makes me more concerned about becoming enraged and killing someone.

This isn't the only incident I've been involved in recently, but it is the worst. As I try to access my emotions, I have less control of them when they do surface. I have no idea how to balance this. For me it's either all or nothing, I can't seem to control it very well, actually I can't seem to control it at all once it gets past "mild" it races right through moderate, to extreme.

 

[Jimmy1]

Barberian, it was my thread on emotions, but now you have raised the subject again I might be able to help.

There is an article and picture that goes with it that is called the 'Iceberg' of emotions. Basically its as it sounds. There is a little bit showing at the top (anger) and everything else is trapped underneath, and what is underneath is three times the size of what is above.

Your CT training would have encompassed using aggression to achieve your results, just like all your instructors used aggression to train you, well this is part of the problem. Addthe training to the PTSD which rewired your brain emotionally; therefore, the only safe emotion is anger. The others are trapped.

You see a traumatic event can change a person forever. During that event they usually experience intense fear, but the training kicks in and anger can usually get you through. Also with the training there is no time for happiness or sadness, it would interfere too much.

So your response to the lady should have been, 'Lady, you dropped your drink' , and when she said I threw it out, you had the right to be angry and pissed off because it is littering, but it's just controlling what you show.

I am trying to say something here, but I can't think of it right now.

But think of it like this. When we experience an intense trauma, we bottle all our emotions in a part of our mind and then secure it with locks, chain etc. The only emotion we leave out is anger. When we go through therapy to access our other emotions and try and make ourselves human, it's natural for more anger to escape. That is also why some people find themselves crying at what we would normally percieve as stupid stuff.

Hope this makes some sort of sense.

 

[Wagon]

Barberian. I'm there with you. The behaviour of some people in society really drives me wild. I used to sit in the back of the bus where I used to live and terrorize rich punk ass teenagers. I'm about 6.3 at 230 so.... Used to ask them in English. What the f*ck is your problem!!???. They would shut up right quickly. But it almost does not pay to give a f*ck anymore. Nobody else does. I see crap everyday. When I go out any more. It's always someone else's problem or money is going to fix it. People have forgotten that you should take care of your society.

If I ever catch one of those graffiti bastards, I'm gonna tackle the kid, graffiti his face and send him home to Mama.

And thanks Jimmy, That makes sense. You mostly do.

Wagon

 

[JarHed]

Hey Bar

I think, as it is with most of us that are former military people we like or even desire an orderly life. We'd never do something like that girl did. The problem is is that in the non-military world it's kind of what ever people can get away with they do. It's why stuff like youtube, flame threads on myspace and things like that are so popular today. Everyone thinks that they have a right to do what they do without the slightest bit of respect for others. Believe me, stuff like that makes me crazy too. There's no simple answer here, but I'll say this. You have to decide how much energy you want to invest in an emotion like anger, for instance.

I can guarantee that you were probably more angry and for a much longer period of time than the idiot that tossed the drink from her car. I'm almost positive she just went on her way with out a care. Mean while you were still angry. Part of dealing with our emotions is deciding how much we're going to invest in them. Be mad at the fact that some people are like that, but don't give it more than it needs. It will take a while before you can do that. I'm still learning that fact. Our emotions are what make us human and cutting ourselves off from them is why we're all here in the first place.

I've gotten to the point, after many years of doing otherwise, to not invest too much of my energy in things that I truly can't change. It doesn't mean you should be a door mat either. It's a thin line that divides enough from too much. Being 'mindful' or aware of a feeling in a situation can help so that you're not always going from placid to wanting to kill in an instant. Just my 2 cents as it were. We're never done learning. I always think of my Tai Chi teachers saying, because it applies to so many things. " To improve, you have to change". Hope I haven't digressed to much.

Jar

 

[Bill Simmons]

I said this in another post but I think it is worth saying again. "Me being angry at you is like me taking poison hoping you die." I got real fed up with taking poison!!

For me controlling my anger is about controlling what I allow myself to think about, look at, watch on TV and what I decide I want to react to. With PTSD I needed to be very careful what outside issues I take on. I don't like ass holes who through trash in the street. I use to think I was superman I guess, and took on way to many issues. I had to let go of some of it and let someone else better able to deal with the issue take care of the problem. It's not that I do not care but I need to access my own condition and take care of myself.

Learning to be less reactive is like learning any other skill. It takes time and training. It starts one thing at a time. I sometimes have to tell myself I am just not in the correct state of mind to deal with this issue at the moment and I am going to let it slide for this moment. Perhaps next time but not today.

I can tell you I got mad as hell when I posted some stuff about the current war in the middle east. I have to limit my involvement in that sort of thing or I suffer from drinking the poison. I had to also admit to myself that I sometimes like being angry because it gives me some half ass excuse to not control my actions, to not be responsible for how I act. Me having to take a long hard look at myself was real hard to do. It sucked. I am trying to learn how to think shit through to the end results. Do I really want to be dealing with Bubba in some prison cell over some stupid ass hole who through a can out the window??

The final question for me was is my anger causing me enough pain to do the work required to change it.

I feel your pain Bar...I have drank a lot of poison!!

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Bill, I can tell that over time you have drank a lot of poison and I love that analogy.

Someone on here also said that we choose which head to feed and what to feed it. Either our PTSD head, or the veteran who is trying to get along with life.

The other thing about PTSD and anger is that when we let loose, its usually at our loved ones because we think they will love us either way, but a lot of spouses that don't understand what is going on don't see it like that. My ex-wife accompanied me on a PTSD course and found out how hard it would be living with me in the early years and what to expect, she decided to throw it all in and left town, that was in 2007. I did not forgive her until about two years ago, and it turned me into a woman hater, well more disrespecter if that is a word.

Learning to be less reactive is like learning any other skill. It takes time and training. It starts one thing at a time. I sometimes have to tell myself I am just not in the correct state of mind to deal with this issue at the moment and I am going to let it slide for this moment. Perhaps next time but not today.

Wise words mate. This is one lesson I learnt from my therapist when dealing with argumentitive teenagers. If your not feeling up to it, rather than working yourself into a lather, say your piece and tackle it another day.
Another therapist used to use the 5 R's, I think. Retreat, Relax, Rethink, Revisit, and Resolve. All those are only where possible and if it's worth it. I hate Retreating though.

The final question for me was is my anger causing me enough pain to do the work required to change it.

That question is the hardest one to ask ourselves. I see a lot of young angry veterans that don't want to admit in the first place that they have PTSD, let alone that they are angry all the time. I guess it's like an alcoholic, they have to admit to themselves first they have a problem.
As for doing what it takes, I suppose sometimes you have to hit rock bottom first and have your life and career ripped out from underneath you before you take action.

Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[anthony]

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-iceberg-of-emotions.13731/

 

[Bill Simmons]

I think your input is worth a little more than 2 cents Jimmy. Got to try to get some sleep or I will crash the new boat for sure in the morning. Have a good night under the southern cross man.

 

[Wagon]

Great article Anthony. And great post Jimmy. A reminder to send this to my ex. She has anger issues as well. I asked her to look for the cause, but not sure if she has though about it. Ahh well.

Another thing that popped up in here is "practice". Consciously tackling and putting yourself into situations which you find hard to handle. I have definitely slacked on the practice for the last 3 months. But after being homeless for a bit, I think I just shut down. I don't even leave the house. Here it is April already. Only 13 days to the big shrink meeting. Finally. Thanks again.

Wagon

 

[Jimmy1]