Another "shame" thread

[Sandstone]

Not sure this is the right place to put it. And sorry it rambles on. I picked here because the origins must lie with the parenting that I sometimes think was a bit iffy, and sometimes think was wholly my fault ( if only Id been better at being a child...), and often think is all manufactured in my head as an excuse.

I have two things going on simultaneously, and I'm sure they are linked more deeply than the obvious.

1. Most of the Mental Health services are not willing to be in contact with me. I can see their point, but surely if they think I am a danger then they should be monitoring me. This is becoming a more pressing issue as my sessions with the therapist are coming to an end, so I will have no-one. Oddly she says she likes me and thinks I have worked hard ( much the same as my last T said ). The rest of them are not willing even to be in the same room as me. My Care Co-ordinator was assigned to me last May and has not been in contact to inform me of that. I only know because others have told me of him. My Social Worker has been " going to make an appointment with me" since last August.

In December, T said she wanted to arrange a meeting of her, these two and my husband. She came back to me and said they were willing to see her, but not me initially. They met, but we still haven't.

I've been thinking that this must indicate that in fact there is nothing wrong me, beyond a selfish desire for attention, that I am clearly so foul and repellent that they can't tolerate the idea of me, that I am bad rather than mad and that they justifiably think I am deserving of punishment. That seems to fit with my life experience, much better than the idea that there is actually something wrong. It seems so much more likely to be true than the misguided ideas of a couple of therapists who are paid to be professionally nice.

2. Shame, lots of stuff, but maybe last night will serve as an example. I was watching "24 Hours in A&E" and realised that I felt immense shame on behalf of the three featured patients. Two were elderly men, one with a heart condition that made him collapse repeatedly and was treated with a pacemaker, one with a chest infection that required a week -long admission, plus a woman who had dislocated her shoulder and was in extreme pain. It felt so shameful that they were .... what - taking up time? having needs? expressing pain? I'm not sure what is was that felt so deeply, morally wrong.


I'm sorry, I'm probably asking you to be nice to me, and that isn't justified. I've battled over whether to post this at all, and I will, if only for my records. Sorry

 

[jaccat]

I've had my own dealings with the UK mental health system and social services as carer of another. Trust me, it isn't you. The system, while working in places, is beyond broken in others. They wouldn't communicate with me either, even as the legal person of responsibility. That is, they wouldn't until the police got involved. Then they couldn't do it fast enough.

I felt/still feel a lot of shame over it. It was as if every time I was ignored or turned away it proved yet again just how worthless I was. It was a viscious circle- the less help I got, the worse I felt, the more I needed, the more I was convinced I didn't deserve it.

We do deserve it. We've just been taught that we don't.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Sandstone, I presume this is the NHS? Totally none of this is your fault, this is the way they are, the psychologist told me to have a six to nine month break after I disclosed that my mother abused me when I was a child, right when I really really really needed psychological help. It's not you, it's them. And you do deserve help. It just seems we have to fight to get it, unfortunately.

 

[Anarchy]

Sandstone,
please do not feel that it is you who is at fault - it isn't.

It really isn't!

Imagine if a supermarket was given money that had been forcibly taken from everyone, on the utopian basis that everything would then be "free"?

What do you think would happen to the customer service, now that the supermarket didn't have to tempt each customer to come through its doors rather than them a competitor's doors?

What do you think would happen to the quantity and quality of produce on offer, saying as they've already got your money?

 

[Sandstone]

I thought that I'd better try to resolve this, so I phoned the chap who is supposed to be my Care Co-ordinator. He said he understood I didn't think he had much to offer me, and he was inclined to agree with that. But why does he understand that? I had never spoken to him before.

Do I ask wrong? Is it to do with the shame thing? Am I giving out a message that I shouldn't be helped so they don't help? I don't know what I need to change.

 

[Suzetig]

That all sounds awful for you, please remember there's nothing shameful about needing help. Have they said why they aren't willing to be in contact, eh why your social worker and case coordinator won't meet with you? I wonder if having a mental health advocate might help? The system is a nightmare to navigate when you're well so I can imagine it feels impossible if you're unwell.

You said that they think you're a danger - is that a danger to yourself or to other people, and how realistic is it that you might harm yourself or someone else? Regardless, they have a duty to provide you a service while ensuring everyone eg you, their staff, members of the public, are safe - the practicalities of that can be a real challenge but you're entitled to health care.

 

[digger]

In December, T said she wanted to arrange a meeting of her, these two and my husband. She came back to me and said they were willing to see her, but not me initially. They met, but we still haven't.

I don't really understand the post of a care coordinator, so I don't know if it's normal for them to meet with their clients or work more in the background, but I find it completely baffling that your social worker isn't willing to meet with you??? Surely that's part of their job!?! :confused:

Have you been given a reason why they are unwilling to meet with you? I know you've referred in your post to being 'a danger' - is this something you've been told, or a conclusion you've formed about yourself?

I am really sorry you're being put through all this, but I agree with others that it isn't you, it's the system failing you. Again. But I know how easy it is to slip into blaming yourself for it and feeling like it must be something you're doing. I honestly don't think it is.

 

[Sandstone]

It has taken me a couple of hours to be able to reply. I feel quite dizzy and light headed

they think you're a danger - is that a danger to yourself or to other people, and how realistic is it that you might harm yourself or someone else

you've referred in your post to being 'a danger' - is this something you've been told, or a conclusion you've formed about yourself

I took a large mixed overdose and crashed my car into the front entrance of their building, in April 2014.

I think there are underlying reasons, but they are in no way excuses or justifications for such appalling behaviour. It was a disgusting and disgraceful thing to do. I risked endless peoples lives by driving in that state.

So , yes, it is entirely justified that they would perceive me as a thoroughly unpleasant and dangerous person. I have done a lot of work on programming myself that if it ever feels that bad again I must approach it in a way that doesn't put others a risk, but of course they don't know that, as they aren't speaking to me. You can read the whole story in the thread I Ought To Be Phoning The Crisis Line.

 

[digger]

So , yes, it is entirely justified that they would perceive me as a thoroughly unpleasant and dangerous person

I remember that, and I disagree that it means they are justified in perceiving you as a thoroughly unpleasant person as a result. Please correct me if I'm getting this wrong, but it seems like these are your thoughts about yourself and what you expect people to think of you, rather than anything that's been said directly to you? Has anyone actually said that the reason they are not meeting with you is because the believe you to be unpleasant and dangerous, or is this a conclusion you are drawing from the situation because you are not getting clear enough answers from people and need to put something in the gap?

So far as being dangerous goes, yes, what you did back then was undeniably dangerous, to yourself and others, but I think their current behaviour would suggest that they don't consider you to be a danger now (particularly not to others). What I personally think, is that this should make you a higher priority for help, not a lower one, and I don't understand why that isn't happening for you, except for having been on the receiving end of shitty and inadequate treatment from the NHS myself too. As far as I can see that is the only explanation for this. It isn't you, it is yet another huge failing in the way mental health resources are organised here in the UK. It upsets me on your behalf that you are not getting heard.