Anxiety About Work, Please Help

[TeaLeaf]

I was doing a lot better a few months ago and asked my boss for training in another department. I was all excited because I really never had a lot of energy to take on new things before and was eager to feel more engaged in life. Of course when the training started, I wasn't in as good of place in my life, troubles with marriage, feeling anxiety, not feeling welcome in this new department.

I was so anxious last week that I called in sick on a day of my training. My husband had recently unleashed some of his anger at me, said some not so nice things and this caused a lot of self doubt and hypervigilence in my life. We've worked through it and he understands that it was hurtful and promises to try to be more fair and kind in the future during arguments. I guess the small things that people in this new department said and did that made me feel unwelcome are magnified in my my mind. The days I did go to my training, the feedback I got at the end of the day was that I did a good job and people were generally nice. I work in a high stress job but I've been in my career for 10 years and worked at the same company for the last 4 years. I feel like I know so much less than everyone in this new department, the pace is so much faster and I feel ashamed of myself and like I am not going to be able to get through the day tomorrow.

I'm mad at myself for asking to take on a new role in my work and I regret asking. When the training is done, I will only be in that department occasionally which is fine by me because I like it a lot less than I thought I would. I guess I feel foolish for thinking that I would be able to handle this and am feeling very inadequate.

I need some feedback and help getting through this. If anyone can relate, even better. Thanks in advance.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Today I was going to volunteer to mentor someone. Then, I thought to myself, who am I kidding? I am not stable enough to help someone else. Sometimes I forget that my life is full of uncertainty. I am not even in that good of a spot right now, but I had this thought come into my head and was about to e-mail my boss with the suggestion/offer when I thought better of it. My situation is not like yours, but I wanted you to know that I am familiar with the ups and downs of PTSD affecting life and goals. I think you are brave for trying this new department.

 

[seedling]

I can relate. I'm having a difficult time at work with feeling inadequate, like it's not going to work, I'm never going to figure it out.

Was problem solving today with my boss and looking at my work and I don't know how I sounded but he says "I'm not trying to assign blame" and that made me ashamed because I didn't want to sound like I thought he was! And I have that panicky reaction anyway involuntarily when there's a mistake but I want to not let it distract me too much. Felt like my crap was showing and it sucks. Like you said about "magnified," everything feels like a big deal.

I do like the kind of work I do but sometimes I wonder why I thought I could handle so much and handle more people.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Thank you for the replies.

JEK- yes, I am so sick of PTSD affecting life goals and I am tired of the up and down.
Seedling-I am wondering why I thought I could handle so much, I feel sad.

 

[seedling]

I think that the challenges we accept have something to teach us even if we only decide to back off from them.

You did well to accept something new and chose well to choose something that is of short duration. All the pressures of the situation may be the worst in the beginning and could lessen once the work and people aren't so new. That immediate overload can be huge but you have done it.

You never know what this will hold for you down the road so don't discount the experience and your efforts yet.

And, sometimes with PTSD you can stay home under the covers and still feel like crap, lol!

 

[Hashi]

If I understand right, this has been a bad experience (and I'm sorry for that) but you're getting through it and will be able to deal with the situation you'll be in afterwards?

Please don't be mad at yourself because you didn't have a crystal ball. How could you have known what it would be like? You gave it a try based on good reasons, and respect to you for giving it a go.

Could you reframe this? Could you see it as giving you more awareness of what your priorities need to be right now? For example, to focus on self-care, strength and stability. To pace yourself. Who knows what might happen down the line - this experience prompting you to strengthen your skills and self-nurturing might mean that when the time is right later to move forward with life goals, you'll be able to do that in a more sustained way because of what you've learnt now.

 

[The Albatross]

Agree with Hashi. The reasons you took on the change are the same, though it is clear that there is a period of difficulty and adjustment.

 

[TeaLeaf]

I really appreciate everyone commenting on my post. It helped given me strength to get through my day and not beat myself up so much. I have one last day of training tomorrow. Hopefully it won't be so scary now that it is mostly over.