Anxiety And Adapting To Normalcy...

[haltija]

I am SO sorry for this long post but I just have to get it out.

Things have been going well. I decided to invest in a new wardrobe that actually fit me. (Had been wearing the same hand-me-downs for years. It was time to move on from the leftovers of not-so-me but my mother's beloved Harley Davidson/hippy style to my own complete opposite personal Audrey Hepburn meets wool jacket and pink blush pumps style.) ANYWAY...

Other good things:

1. I'm feeling more like myself and doing well at work. I earned a 25% bonus in my pay and it's great.
2. I'm communicating more with other contractors in my field and getting along with them quite nicely.
3. Found a good school to enroll my son in and enrolled him in a virtual school before the next school year. He's doing well.

Here's the problem. I'm having trouble enjoying any of it. Things are going well, but I'm anxious. I can't stop wondering if my kids are okay. I am working hard to make sure they're happy and healthy but the slightest thing goes wrong and I can't stop worrying about it.

I am having trouble accepting the idea of a normal life. I constantly try to remind myself my previous issues in life were partly due to my parent's bad choices/negligence and desire to throw me out into the world, in "God's hands" and it's my life now.

I'm having trouble adapting to a middle class normal life because I grew up in trailer parks or living in a tiny shed barn type thing, which my parents refuse to acknowledge was a shed because they put a window in it and installation. And I'm sorry, sleeping in the back of a truck is not camping if you're doing it because you have no place to go that night. The idea of being financial stable is new and terrifying and I don't know why.

I'm worried about everything. I'm worried about my kid's well-being, I'm afraid my teeth are going to fall out, I'm worried about my anemia, which I need to take care of. I'm worried that enjoying life is a waste of time because a tornado might randomly happen out of nowhere or an earthquake. I find myself worrying about earthquakes a lot. I'm worried about being homeless again and losing financial security or that, eventually, technology will develop further and ruin my job. I question my existence constantly.

I'm terribly, terribly concerned that living a normal life is not possible. My family doesn't speak to me anymore. I live 40 minutes away and my dad has only come to see me once in the past two years and rarely even talks to me. I don't bother with my mom, because she's constantly under stress. My friends ... I got older and they're no longer interested.

Does anyone else feel this way? Is it possible to live a normal life? Am I freaking out for no reason?

 

[jaccat]

Oh yes, I get this.
After so many years of abnormal, anything approaching stable can seem terrifying. And being so used to having to worry about everything, I have real trouble giving it up now. I try to remind myself that I needed to be hyper aware in the past in order to stay safe, but that relates to the past, it is not the case now.
It sounds like you're doing really well, you are at least aware of the positives in your life, and you are actively making changes to improve it.

 

[illusionist]

Oh yes, I had this for a long time but found that it has lessened with time. I long since gave up on the idea of being normal in the sense we all believe normal is. I accept what is normal for me and thankful for getting this far. Some things I worry about I can do something to change it....so I do.....that's that worry dealt with..other things, which I can't, I break it down as to why I can't..or how I can reasonably protect myself from the possibility of it happening...it does help me. Hope you find your way.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I am often scared and anxious when something good happens, always thinking that now something bad is gonna happend, to 'repay' for the good that happened and stuff. It's possible to live a normal life, symptoms can be quite manageable, but I can't see myself with a normal life easily.

You have worries and some are reasonable, thus you aren't freaking out for no reason, but you are doing good, congratulations!!!

Also sending hugs and understanding! :hug:

 

[Nam]

This new normal will take some time to get used to. I hope it does get better.

I'm anxious about a few things. It almost like self sabotage. This is going well, so it can't possibly last, so I'll ruin it on my own terms. The more things I gain, (money, house, knowledge, skills, anything), the more I have to lose.

You know that saying, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all? I try to remember that.

ETA: good stress fills the stress cup just like any other kinds of stress.

 

[Kriamjolee]

I don't have any advice, really. I'm still trying to figure out my own big ol' mess.

But, I do find that music helps me cope. It's an escape for me. Especially when I can find a good song that relates well to how I'm feeling. It really drives home that I'm not the only one that feels that way. I mean, someone felt strongly enough to put the effort into writing a song about it.

So, I hope this helps:

Something Must Be Wrong - "Guitar" George Baker

 

[haltija]

Thanks, all! It's a relief to know I'm not the only one who does this. I had the day off to talk to random investors and accountants, ask questions and make some decisions. I figured the best way to deal with my concerns is to eliminate the possibility of something going wrong, like a mental/financial security blanket.

It seems my main frustrations are based on lack of time with my kids, even though we're fine and their next to me the entire time I'm working. I decided to put away $25 a week, take advantage of the 5% APR over the next year and then mutual funds, start working third shift so I have more time with them during the day and then focus on my health. With three kids, it's my responsibility anyway. I'm also 27, so it's probably a good idea to start saving up now. Figuring this stuff out is difficult but if I'm taking action, I think I'll feel more comfortable in the long run. The anxiety just needs to go away.

By the way, music has been a help for me as well. I've been listening to "The Piano Guys" like nobody's business. ;)

 

[Friday]

(Cough. Cough. I think I'm gonna match or beat you for length. Not going to apologize, though ;). Brevity is a skill my mind only has when organized. I'm struggling right now, so my posts are long.)

I have a skewed idea of normal... Not from trauma, but because I've lived so many different kinds of lives, and have loved most of them... All before trauma. Comes from growing up all over the world. After trauma, things got really interesting, but let's stick to pretrauma just for continuity's sake.

One thing that I've noticed is that whatever a person's "ideal life" is... Is what they consider normal. I almost put 'dream life' but while that's close, that's the life they aspire to. Their 'ideal life' is their absolute baseline, rock bottom, of what they're willing to accept and be happy with. Almost anything different is less than. (In either direction, more to follow).

Ideal/normal makes them feel good. Proud, accomplished, secure. "Look ma! I'm normal!" <grin> It also tends to come with a lot of fear attached of losing it. Because if you lose it? Well that's just not normal!

Here's the thing, though... You really can't f*ck up normal.

Most people, trauma or not, tend to go through a lot of different phases in their lives. Whatever their favorite vision of normal is? Generally tends to be on the balance point of the scales that they sort of run back and forth along. Hardships & successes both pushing them further and further away from the balance point. In either direction, though, they generally circle back around and get back to their balance point. To where they feel happy.

((To use Western Middle Class White Picket Fence BBQs on the Weekend Good Schools Nice Neighbors Regular Vacations Secure Retirement... As an example of one version of normal... You're familiar with less than on that scale, and what it takes to get to the midpoint there. I don't know if this is your ideal, but bear with me :) It's a common one, locally, so I'm running with it. What happens though if someone finds themselves catapulted into 5 Houses Best Private Schools On the Board Charity Functions Staff Trust Funds? Some people readjust their balances, because they achieved their dream life. More, though, don't want that life. They are so far away from their midline, they're miserable. They want a home not places they visit, and all the headaches of maintaining separate properties. They want friends and neighbors, not acquaintances who feel fake to them. They want schools they and their kids are wanted in, not schools they're paying 50k a year to attend and are constantly competing and having to schmooze and kiss ass to keep attending. They want to go to parties of their friends who love them, not pay to go to dinner at organizations who love their money and could give a rats ass about them. They want to work a job they love and find meaning in, not a job that pays for all the stupid, crazy making, shallow, vexing, frustrating things they never wanted in the first place!!! All these people, underfoot, there's no bloody privacy, no "real" family time. And who wants to drive a car that costs more to get tuned up than most decent cars cost new?!? Idiots and morons. It's just such an unnatural disgusting waste living this way! Everything phony! It's just not normal. (Lol, not dissing the 5 house life, I can talk up that vision of normal, and it's grand for people who actually want it. This is just about the mindset of some people who have it, and hate it, because it's not their vision of "normal"). So what do they do? They downsize! They sell off their extra properties -or permanently lease them out for the income. They buy a house in the country/ small town/ city loft/ etc... Wherever they actually enjoy living, best. They make friends with their new neighbors, and send their kids to good schools, and work jobs they like. And have a whopping huge bank account. LOL a lot of very wealthy people don't actually "look" wealthy. They look middle class. Or commune. Or biker. Or starving artist. Or aid worker. Or, or, or. When you have the money to live whatever way you want? It's that balance scale. It's the "vision of normal". ))

You can get away from your balance point, and it feels teetery the further you get from it. Which is scary. Things can threaten it (from tragedy, to sacrifice, to big promotions & needing to move), which are also scary. But you're always going to be moving back towards midline.

Really. You can't f*ck up normal. Because there are 1,000 ways normal looks... And you are always going to moving towards your own vision of it. Self correcting. Moving around it like a planet around a star, or a skater in a pipe. Drawn to it like gravity. Because it's what you love. It's your normal. And no matter if a flood wipes out your normal and you have to go live in a FEMA camp, or an invading army blows it up and you have to live in a refugee camp, or an illness forces selling off everything you own and you have to live in a hospital or Ronald McDonald house... You will regroup, and rebuild. Because it's yours. And nothing and no one can take that away from you.

Most of the anxieties and fears of (what I hate is called 'first world problems')... Are actually very real fears of a person who feels their "normal" is being threatened. That's a foundation level, gut twisting fear. And it's an all-worlds problem. Whatever your normal is, if it feels threatened? Adrenaline. That's how terrorists operate: by threatening people's ideas of normal. It's a bluff, though. Your normal is your own. In a lot of ways, you're lucky... Because you built your normal, instead of being raised into it. So should anything every push you away from midline? You already know how to rebuild it. No learning curve needed.

ETA
<grin> And you're already self correcting back towards your midline, even as your fears pop up. More time with the kids? Let's change shifts. Good schools or retirement threatened? Let's get some savings going now. You've got this.

 

[haltija]

Thanks, FridayJones. :D Interesting thing happened. As it turns out, I wasn't being crazy and my guy lost his job today, so everything depends on me and taking some more work right now. BUT!!! He is smart and will work it out. I'm not feeling as scared... for some reason I feel okay.

I'm okay. We're okay... It'll be okay. I just wanted to live in the country and raise goats anyway.