Anxiety You're Not Welcome Here!

[Deleted member 6617]

You guys are right, we do the best we can. The thing is, out best isn't bad, I think it's rather good.

My T and I talked about that yesterday. Apparently I don't give myself enough credit for the way I handle things....LOL...imagine that! We have really been working on how I handle the anxiety and panic attacks. I doubted her whole "safe place" exercise when I first started this. This week I had 3 "bad" panic attacks with the anxiety. One of those I was able to really focus on the safe place in my head and calm myself down enough to recognize how I was belittleing myself. I was able then to go back and look at what triggered me for what it was at the moment, not what it brought up from old behaviors and beliefs about myself. Made a huge difference and the anxiety didn't last nearly as long as usual. Wow...that really was an eye opener. She has been using EMDR to help me reinforce those safe places. I think after this week my skepticism has been replaced by awe. It was encourageing to me and gives me hope for these sessions when we start into the traumas. Not ready to go there yet though. Still building trust with her, and gaining the tools to ground myself when the anxiety hits me. Hey....I admit to seeing progress though! Yippeeeee....

 

[anni]

It is the hardest, isn't it, the letting yourself have some credit? I'm awfully glad you did-don't mean to be a cheerleader but hopefully now you really can see you were handed a flatly impossible situation and made something possible happen, or lots of things.

Isn't that safe spot thing wierdly effective? It's one more thing which just sounds like it shouldn't work, but does. It's very nice to hear these things are falling into place for you somewhat, it's so deserved! At least now you're figuring out that maybe yes, you do deserve it.

it's a nice post, PH, and congrats!

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Thanks Anni....you are always so encouraging. You can be a cheerleader any time you feel like it! I don't mind at all! Nice to have the support and validation.

Fighting anxiety tonight. Tomorrow is a mediation meeting with my ex over child custody, child support, visitation, parenting stuff. God I hate this....needs to be done though. One more step closer to getting this all over with and being able to move on.

OMG....just as I am writing this the phone rings and who is it? MY ex! He called to talk to our daughter, but man that just sends me reeling. Think I need to go practice my safe place stuff about now. Anxiety just took a huge leap.

 

[anni]

Bleah. I hate those mediation things. Hopefully his lawyer isn't getting paid enough to try too hard to 'fight', and things will be sorted out as quickly as possible for you. You're completely correct, it will be behind you SOON and whew! What a relief!

Bleah also though on having to hear that mealy little voice on the other end of the phone. Even after it doesn't actually trigger you anymore it's still like smelling something bad with your ears.

Good luck with the hearing- stay well.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Well I didn't handle that very well damn-it! Went to mediation with ex this morning. Did safe place exercises before I went and in the car before I went in. Took a Xanex about an hour before going. Wrote down questions, comments, needs, expectations. Tried to be prepared. Did okay during the hour and a half meeting. We hammered out a lot of details. Kept my anxiety in check and made it through the meeting. Got in the elevator after the meeting, and he followed me in. We were the only two in there. Small talked until we got out to the street. Then he hugged me....hung on hugging and said he missed me and do I really want to go through this. Oh God....yes...I stuck to it, didn't back peddle and cave in like i usually do. However....I am feeling sooooo... guilty and full of so much anxiety at that hug. I am so blasted lonely and so miss physical affection...not sex...just caring affection. I didn't want him to let go, but couldn't hardly stand him hugging me either. Oh god...so much confusion and physical and emotional responses conflicting with each other. Got in my car and completely broke down. 25 years of conflicting emotions seemed to consume me. The meter reader came by and informed me my time had expired for that parking spot. Hed been sitting there a good half hour balling my eyes out. Made it home somehow through sobbing and tears and overwhelming fear and anger and regret and ....sooo much more I can't even label.

I am exhausted now. Trying to pick up the day and get stuff done. Not doin so well at it. Thought maybe writing this out might give some relief. Got to get back to work and finish up some claims for people and make phone calls. Will this ever get easier or better? Just when I think it is I get my feet swept out from under me and end up on my ass. Got to get back up again and keep on keep'n on.

PH

 

[Jawn]

PH,

You did the right thing by not back peddling. Keep moving forward and things will get better for you.
Here is one of my favorite quotes (by John Wayne) and I think it fits you at the moment. You showed
courage today.

Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway.

Jawn

 

[James B.]

...I get my feet swept out from under me and end up on my ass. PH

It might be mostly fatigue from the mediation, and the catharsis you experienced after. Sound like you did really well, seems like a stressful situation for anyone. My tendency to not give myself credit (for a job well done) was hard wired for years, very hard to identify because it was automatic, did it for so long. Still an issue sometimes, but getting a little easier to identify. Having said that, Jawn, the quote you posted made me smile. It is so true.

 

[anni]

Oh my, such good replies. I hope I don't step on toes by saying this, PH, but there if he's the person who is THAT abusive man, then you did just sort of get played like a violin. They SO know us, and our soft spots, and the fact that it's REAL for us, not something we're putting on while watching the other for a response, to see if it's working or not. They know we'd like nothing more-would love it dearly, than to stop struggling and fighting, and what IF, this time, after the other 20,000 times, he means it? I'm so sorry it was made so tough for you, and yes, it gets easier. You get madder, that's why, as in why the hell does he think you've gone this far, gotten this tired, made thse sacrifices? Who is he to not go through something, too, instead of making it all easier for himself by a nice, big hug-go for your emotional juglar. Schmuck.Well who is he, to deserve you, either? I hope that's not a bad thing to say, it just seems to pat, too convienient and too MUCH after all you've been through. Too unfair.

You were frazzled once, and said 'time for a quote, Anni'-well I don't have one, but something else which melted me today from the inside out.There's an eleven year old girl, whose website is quite, quite public so it's not an intrusion to tell anyone of it. She's one of those little things with a big, pure, almost adult voice. Anyway, I'm a big, fat sucker for 'Amazing Grace'-it can make me cry or heal me on any given day, that old hymn. This child sings an odd variety of covers-her 'Georgia' will drop you in your socks, believe me! There's a Patsy Cline in there somewhere which sounds like she's come back ! For a day like today, her non-instumental version of Amazing Grace is something you might wish to apply to your soul like some sort of poultice, and let it draw out the poison. Her site ( and it's non-commercial, plus I certainly have no reason to promote this child. It's just soooo healing, at least is for me. The site is evakatherine dot com. If ou're up to it, anyway.

It's not just a line, you know. It does get easier. Swear.

James is so correct, too, it's been such a long, weary day for you.

Peace for now,

Anni

 

[bluecat]

Hi PH,

good for you seeing it for what it is. Of course you have needs and you also loved this man once, so if he's behaving nicely towards you its hard to not feel those needs. Thats the sad part, because he's not just the abuser, he's also the person you used to trust and love.

Divorce is hard, you will cry for your love and all the hopes you had for your marriage. You will grieve and you will think what if... But you'll pull through. In a way divorce is harder than having your loved one die, because you can't just keep the good memories and move on. You have to remember the bad things, so you don't go back.

Anni is right, they do know how to lure us back. The cycle of being abusive, then apologizing and making up, then being mean again and nice again and so on, over and over again. Thats the reason why mediation is so seldom recommended for divorce in a case the marriage was abusive, because of all the manipulation. You're doing great standing your ground.

Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. Its OK to feel all sorts of conflicting emotions. Divorce is tough.

Take care,
Bluecat

 

[Daisy_May]

Pottershand I completely relate to the anxiety you felt when he called. I told my T I get these when the phone rings, and she said they're flashbacks, not panic attacks. Sometimes the phone rings and I assume it is someone telling me I've wronged them, and I have to fight not to vomit. I'm a good on-command vomitter :)

I'm sorry to hear you sat in your car and feel like you broke down, but this is also expressing some pretty severe emotions, not just from the divorce but from your incredible life experiences in the past as well. Just get it all out, and let us know, and I hope you feel better. It will become easier in time, when thoughts of your ex are swept away by mundane daily tasks; his memory and presence will fade, and after awhile, maybe a couple of years, if he calls you will be strong and in the present, and know you are perfectly capable of fighting back or calling him on any BS and your mind will not reel, and you will not cry.

All the best.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway.

Thanks Jawn, that is a great quote and it is something I do try to do. Whew...it is hard sometimes though!

Ahh James, you hit the nail on the head....once again I did not give myself credit for a job well done. At least before and duiring the meeting. I did handle that well. Just wasn't ready for what happened after that. Thanks for that reminder though. My T is trying to get me to recognize when I do a good job and give myself credit for it.

you did just sort of get played like a violin. They SO know us, and our soft spots, and the fact that it's REAL for us, not something we're putting on while watching the other for a response, to see if it's working or not. They know we'd like nothing more-would love it dearly, than to stop struggling and fighting, and what IF, this time, after the other 20,000 times, he means it?

You know what is sad....I didn't recognize it. I didn't f***ing recognize being played. Oh God....I hate that my emotions are so easily manipulated. I hate that my needs make me so vulnerable. Not just my emotions...but my body. God I am so lonely and so just want to be held and to stop fighting and stop struggling. All that is true. I am weary to the bone of it. I fell right into the same old pattern that worked before. This is why I have not wanted to see or talk to him. I hate that the court has required this mediation for parenting stuff. I didn't want to be put in a position of being vulnerable....yet there I was. God that pisses me off!

Of course you have needs and you also loved this man once, so if he's behaving nicely towards you its hard to not feel those needs. Thats the sad part, because he's not just the abuser, he's also the person you used to trust and love.

That is so true Bluecat. I did love him and I did have hopes and dreams. I thought we would spend our life together, grow old together. 25 years is a long time and I can't just shut off those feelings when they are stirred up. But i can't live with the same cycle of abuse over and over again either. And he doesn't admit to it. He doesn't think he has done anything "wrong". It just makes me crazy and makes me mad that I can be so easily sucked right back in. He quit his counseling because he didn't think he needed it. This is the third time he has done that. Things get tough and he has to admit he needs to do some work, some changing and he quits. He won't do it.

I'm sorry to hear you sat in your car and feel like you broke down, but this is also expressing some pretty severe emotions, not just from the divorce but from your incredible life experiences in the past as well. Just get it all out,

Thank you Daisy_May. You are right, I think I was expressing more than emotions for the divorce. Everything is so tied together in my mind and it all affects everything else. I know some people can compartmentalize their emotions and feelings. Not me....they are a jumbled ball of noodles all stuck together and interwined. Plus it is all so raw right now.

Anni...I listened to Amazing Grace by that young gal. Wow....gave me chills and yes...very theraputic to the soul. Thanks for that! Brought tears of different kind. Good cleansing tears, the kind that takes me back to my faith in God.

I hope and trust that you all are right and that this will get easier. I have to do this mediation stuff again Friday....God I don't want to. I wish I could bring someone with me. I can't though. It is suppose to be just the two of us and the medeator. I have an appointment with my T right before that. Maybe she will have some good tips on how to handle it differently. How to prepare better. NO HUGS....that is for damn sure!

PH

 

[anni]

OH she did that to me too, with that pure voice, and THAT hymn. I've bookmarked it, for a sort of band-aid, Boy, did you ever hit the nail on the head about how just listening fills one UP again. Awfully well put, PH.

Maybe re-read James's post-you're still mad at yourself. You fell for it, being played like a violin, because you're REAL. It's not that we're looking for an out, or to be fooled, we just flatly keep getting blind-sided out of sheer niceness, for want of a better way to put it. babes in the woods. He's a maestro, we'll always be amatuers, that's all. Taken all around, I'd rather be one of us in the end.MORE SHAME ON THEM, for abusing the trust, not you/us for trusting. Common sense? Ok, now must implement it and stay aware but what a crying shame we have to live like that. This IS his shame/blame, not yours, however. Scumbucket.

As a bottom line, you did NOT cave, he wished you to, pulled alll his best moves, danced his best steps and nope-you didn't pack up and head back. So what if you felt all those things-warm emotions, longings, etc.? For one thing, you're human and REAL, and for another, once again, more shame on hmi because that was deliberate on his part, evoking all that in you.

I don't wish to freak you out, especially while you're so shredded, you know? It's just that this type, who I kind of know pretty well, turn nasty again after they figure out they've failed to reel you back in. Whether it's because it's another deliberate 'move', thinking to frighten and bully us, as worked so often before or they just stop caring who knows. THAT ego and pathology cannot bear not having the control ( as you know ). He's going to be an *sswipe again for awhile, probably. Scumbucket.

Hang tough there, PH. Reread James and John Wayne and know you're ok, plus it does get better. The pendulum starts to swing more when you stop kicking yourself around the block for being trusting and start booting his worthless backside instead. That's just me, anyway-it all sounds so familiar!