Childhood Anxious Attachment Here: Like Nails On A Chalkboard

[shimmerz]

"No, really, you must help me."

Hell ya! It opens possibilities in your brain. Lots of possibilities.

Do you often use visualization Simon? I found that working with a spirit animal (which you may or may not go for) and visualizing them helping me was the safest way to edge into the help scenario. If you aren't into spirit guides, perhaps you could pretend you had a guardian angel? Anyway, it allowed me to see WHAT I needed help with first and foremost without putting it onto a person who, to my way of thinking would absolutely say NO. Once I was really solid on my needs, had practice at identifying and articulating those needs (even if it was to spirit guides), I then was ready to move onto a trusted friend.

I actually was only able to do this when I felt my life was completely in danger (black and white much?). Then I was able to scale it a bit. Perhaps when I was seriously thrown off, but not in life threatening position. And so on. It really is quite a process. It isn't just about attachment.... there is a whole whackload of stuff before it. I mean, seriously, many of us learned how to shut down most (if not all) of our needs. Identifying those is definitely a preamble to asking for help on any level.

 

[EveHarrington]

Society is cruel in its determination of what is an acceptable cry for help or call for attention.

Posting on social media every moment of your day including when you went to the bathroom to take a big crap?-----perfectly acceptable although IMHO completely pathetic calls for attention.

Truly calling out for help when you're in crisis? The attitude of----Nah, shut up because your cries are making us all uncomfortable. Go fix yourself; God gave you bootstraps now go use them!

It's not the attention seeking that people have a problem with. If it was pure attention seeking that was hated, the Kardashians would have been axe murdered a dozen times over by now. People don't want to feel uncomfortable, they don't want to deal with your pain-----so instead of admitting the truth, what do they do? Victim blame by twisting it into "cries for attention"------ It's not them, it's you. Deny; deny; deny any fault in themselves.

 

[Kintsugi]

I do like to do visualizations, Shimmerz. I do dream visualizations to help prevent nightmares and increase my chances of being able to lucid dream.

Funny you bring up animal spirit guides. I've had nightmares ever since I can remember, and when I was little, I had a wolf that used to appear in many of my nightmares to save me. He also just kinda hung out with me in my dreams a lot. My first visual hallucinations were of him as well.

After I got my own dog, I stopped having dreams (or hallucinations--that was only a couple of times or so in my childhood), but whenever I've done spirit guide type meditations, I always use him.

I haven't done that in nearly a decade, though, so it's something to think about. I may start doing visualizations about him before I fall asleep. I've never thought to use such activities to access/identify/state my needs. Thanks for the idea.

 

[scout86]

I don't think I have any answers but this is an interesting topic. I'm glad you brought it up and I'm glad you brought it up as YOU. It would be really hard to sort through it not knowing who the OP was.

I was brought up to firmly believe that the only way to garner love/attention/affection was by being out-of-the-way, low-maintenance, and by not having needs I couldn't fill by myself.

Based on what you said later on, it sounds like there wasn't much of ANY way for you to get positive attention. You just could get your needs met if you could do it yourself.

Whether we like it or not, we need attention to survive.

@shimmerz , I love you to death but I really don't buy that concept. At all. I know it's the conventional wisdom. I know there's a scenario where "attention" is a good thing. And, I know you've got to have food, water, and shelter to survive and that probably counts as attention. But I totally refuse to believe I need attention or that attention is of any general worth. Beyond physical necessities. Those who want it, more power to you and no criticism from me. But I really think it's possible to survive without "attention". Beyond what it takes to physically survive. In fact, I really and truly hate that whole idea.:ninja:

@Simply Simon , do you have any recollections of seeking or giving attention as a child? How'd it work out for you?

 

[Kintsugi]

@Simply Simon , do you have any recollections of seeking or giving attention as a child? How'd it work out for you?

Can you expand on this question or give an example?

 

[scout86]

Well, when you were little, did you ever go to a caregiver type person with a skinned knee? A good report card? A sad story? Or, for that matter, did you ever try acting out as a way to get attention? If you did, what did you get for a response?

On the flip side, did you ever offer attention to someone you felt something for? Try to comfort someone who seemed sad or scared? Congratulate someone for an accomplishment? If you did, what was their response?

If you can't remember doing anything like that, what do you THINK would have happened if you had?

I ask because, in a recent conversation with my T about the merits of "talking about stuff", I said I thought talking about stuff was a waste of time because it didn't change anything. He replied that that was logical enough, but also incorrect. (and cited neuroscience to defend his position) But he also said that it was particularly a logical conclusion for someone who had no experience of talking about something being helpful. (And maybe I have very little experience of it doing me any good.)

I'm wondering what your early experiences with "attention" were like and if, maybe (probably?) those results affect how you feel about it now.

 

[RussH]

Is it a question of attention, or acceptance? I think sometimes people will do things to get attention, because, in their minds, attention equals acceptance.

@Simply Simon I think your original post about posting :), and how you recognize, and question, your response to craft posting shows me that you are growing emotionally and mentally. You are starting to see things about yourself that you perceive as negative, but you are doing it is a clinical way- asking what can I do to change this behavior in me.

Yes you posted in your first response how articulating how you want to change brings feelings of shame, self-loathing and disgust- that is the PTSD in action.

The bottom line is you recognize something in you that you see as a short-coming, and you are taking steps to change that. This decision to change for the better proves that there is no need to feel shame, self-loating, or disgust. Instead it should make you feel good, and feel proud that you are working toward being a better you.

 

[shimmerz]

and I've also been realizing that it isn't necessarily posting about posting (craft posting, if you kindly will ;)) that bothers me. It's the content of those posts and the presumptions I make about them, which is that these posts are a ploy for attention.

My apologies if I derailed. I thought the post was actually about attention seeking behaviour (whether posts were designed for attention seeking feedback).

@Simply Simon, would you mind clarifying for me?

 

[jaccat]

I find I get similar reactions at times to posts on here, ones that I know are coming from my own issues.

For instance, I sometimes really struggle with the whole 'hugs and affection' side of this forum. I habe no issues guving hugs to someone who needs it, or even recieving hugs if I'm having a hard time, but when I come across posts where people are hugging each other left-right-and-centre it makes me really uncomfortable, like wtf are you doing? uncomfortable. A rational part of me can see that there's absolutely nothing wrong with this behavoiur, that it is in fact prompted by kindness and friendship, but in my head it's just wrong. Much like you, I interpret it as some kind of attention seeking, or, just yuck.

Logically, I know this is entirely my issue. And yeah, it probably stems from being starved of attention as a child. That, and the fact that a hidden rule in my family was emotion=weakness.

 

[Kintsugi]

@shimmerz I think I'm still navigating what exactly this thread is about. :rolleyes: I think it's about my internal reaction to what I perceive as attention-seeking behavior, and content I read here (especially people posting about being in this community) is a very present and powerful example of the type of behavior that fills me with disgust and a weird sort of quiet, self-righteous rage. :cautious:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I love that you have indentified it as a "Simon thing", have become self aware of it and where it comes from as tracing it back is important (per my therapist) as then you can say "i feel this way because of how my brother acted & abused me and how my mother treated me" etc and it helps to defuse the trigger (in therory). And you have the extreme want to change it. I think thats super awesome personally!

I have another take on attention seeking behaviors but thats for another thread.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm not ignoring your questions, @scout86. I think they dig to the heart of the matter. But they make me really uncomfortable and anxious, so I'm sort of letting them just sit with me before I attempt to delineate answers.