Any Men Out There That Were Physically Abused By There Fathers In Childhood?

[ashdawn8287]

My fiancee was physically abused, I think pretty bad by his alcoholic father. He said he has forgiven his father, but I see a lot of effects although I am no doctor that has really hindered him. I have known him since I was 12 years old by the way. I guess I am trying to make sense of his circumstances so I can be more supportive to his abuse. He never talks about it, but he spaces out, has unhealthy outlets, anxiety, and depression. I found this study online. Any thoughts? Any male ever been physically abused by his father? What were your feelings and things that helped you? I don't want to bring this up to him per se, because he downplays the abuse and shoulder shrugs it. I don't think he can put his head or emotions around it. I am a psychology and sociology nut case so this stuff is not only interesting but I would just like to know more about it. I have spent more time researching and studying sexual abuse and domestic violence. Also, I am not trying to fix him or pressure or push him into anything. I am just trying to gain knowledge.

Here is the link.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3031095/

 

[Zef]

I was abused by my father and I recognize in myself a lot of the things you mentioned about your fiancee. The results of the study do match my own experience.

What were the feelings? That is a hard one. I don't have much memory of my childhood. My wife actually has more memories of my childhood than I do. (Fortunately for me, one of the few memories I do have is the first time I saw my wife. Like you and your fiancee, we were 12 years old when we met. :) ) For me, the abuse was just the way things worked. It was normal. When I met another kid who said that his parents had never hit him, I thought that was an odd thing. Like your fiancee, I downplay it, too. . .probably because it was just normal.

What helped me? I found a couple authors who made me realize that there was a bigger world out there. A world with at least a few people who saw the world kinda like I did.

She was around during some of the abuse, so she has some extra understanding of the cause of some of my less pleasant behaviors. At the same time, though, she draws very good boundaries as to what behaviors she'll accept and what are unacceptable.

Another thing she does that really helps is that she is very good at not escalating an issue. If she feels she is right, she doesn't let the issue drop, but she recognizes that when I am triggered. . .we're probably not going to resolve things. It can take some time for me to regain control, but when I do, we talk through the issue

If you have more specific questions, I'm happy to try to answer.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you so much! I try not to escalate the issues either and it does take him a couple days to get off his issues to solve our issues, if that makes any sense.

He had his first panic attack a couple months ago. I've seen anxiety in him from the get go though. From biting his nails to sweating to picking to distracting and isolating to our house, but if I ask him to do something out of the house he will. Even after the hospital trip because of his anxiety attack, he still claims he does not suffer from any anxiety...ever.

His mom pretty much turned her cheek during the abuse, yet she is an owner of a daycare...... His dad is a criminal defense lawyer. The denial in this family is nothing like I have ever seen before. It is like crazy denial (honestly I am not trying to bad talk these people at all just stating what I have encountered with them). It makes me uncomfortable a lot of the times because I wasn't raised to cover up stuff. Theirs this heaviness in the air with them all the time. It almost feels like I can feel all their anxiety when we are all together. I try to keep my visits short because it's very uncomfortable. I have no idea how to explain it.

I was raised to handle your issues. They never expressed or talked about anything as a family. In my family we would yell and scream until we were heard, maybe not the healthiest of ways but we knew what was going on with each other at all times. I mean with the anxiety attack, he honestly denied having one after the hospital and diagnosis. It is just really weird to me.

I just can't see how someone could feel like that all the time and not want to do anything about it. I am not a doctor and I am not trying to diagnose him, I think it is fair to say I know him very well.

He denies having a video game addiction yet he plays for about 8 hours a day/night. He doesn't hear me if I talk when he is playing. He gets high all the time and denies having a problem with that, I don't care about that stuff it just needs some boundaries. I don't really know how to put my foot down with out him thinking there is something wrong with him. He takes it way too personal.

His self issues really get in the way of him holding up his plate in this relationship. I am honestly very concerned about the future of our relationship. I can't have an issue because he will deny there is an issue.

I am not sure. I have never been in this kind of relationship before. It isn't unhealthy and we try to do things on weekends, but this denial aspect, yeah it is very hard on me.

Thank you for sharing your own experiences. I am so sorry you had to go through that when you should not have had too.

 

[Abstract]

I have no idea how to explain it.

Hi Dawn,
I know exactly what you are referring to. My family are like that. There is a physical force around them. I often feel I should be able to see it. And I think it is even more affecting if you are intuitive and pick up others energy.

The problem with the way he reacts is that it makes it almost impossible to resolve anything and that does seem very worrying for a relationship.

Hopefully some guys can give you some input on ways to get through to him. It's sad when we love someone but the relationship isn't working.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you abstract that made me feel better.

We had a long talk tonight. I researched this article about building trust and forgiving someone who breaks your trust, because his denial does not help me working on my trust issues.

I read how to regain trust back to him (the denial, little lies to spare my feelings, and broken promises with video games and pot has broken my trust, during a period where I am REALLY trying hard to get over my trust issues) and he read how to forgive someone who has broken your trust (I find it very hard to forgive people who lie). Before we were like yelling at each other trying to get our points across. After we read the article it both clicked to us. It was like we were both like YES that is exactly how I feel and then we were like oh crap we really need to work together and admit and take responsibility on the relationship and how the other one feels. It went really well. It was the click I have been looking for, for a while now.

Basically he is going to listen and empathize. Instead of fighting about the lies, denial, and broken promises I calmly gave him a chance to explain his side. He also had some questions to ask me that I answered as well. I understand he has lied to spare my feelings because he doesn't want to trigger me and he realizes that I cannot have someone lie over about little things when I am putting my heart and soul into getting over my trust issues.

The denial thing, he said he knows the way he was raised wasn't right and to be patient and give him time to get over that. I was very vulnerable to him tonight and opened up and cried while explaining one of my past issues that affects him (I text him while he is at work and if he doesn't respond I get extremely panicky like something bad is going to happen to me, basically my parents left me with bad people when I was a child so every time someone I love leaves or doesn't respond, I freak out thinking something bad is going to happen to me without that person there, weird.), I have never talked about. He thanked me for being vulnerable and said, "I know I am not good at showing my feelings or how I am feeling but I do look at you to learn those things from because you are better at it then me and you being vulnerable makes me feel like I can be like that too. I need to learn from you." So I guess that is good.

I guess another issue I told him about was how he downplays my trauma because he downplays his and I said it bothers me a lot. He makes remarks when I say trauma and healing things when we are fighting. Today he was like, "So what I got abused by my dad a lot of people learn to live with that." I was like, "I understand you think that is normal to you and you believe a lot of people 'live like that' but it isn't right what happened to you and it isn't normal. A lot of people get sexually molested but that doesn't mean just because it happens a lot and is 'normal' to me, that it is right and doesn't deserve to be taken seriously."



We are going on a spa getaway tomorrow. I am hoping this weekend will bring us closer together and just be relaxing, it has been a tough year for both of us.

Thank you for listening.

 

[Philippa]

It is weird how so many people tend to normalize this behavior and dismiss it as though it's nothing. My brother knows heaps of guys who were very seriously abused by their parents, and they all defend them to their last breath and think that family is everything and that it is disloyal to think otherwise...instead of getting the hell away from their abusers and seeing it for what it is. Stockholm syndrome is an interesting phenomena, for sure.

It sounds like there is some progress being made though ashdawn, and that he knows he needs to get better at being vulnerable. To admit that is a beautiful thing, and you are helping him so much just being you. Have fun on your retreat.

 

[ashdawn8287]

You are so sweet and have helped ease a lot of my uncomfortable feelings today and helped more than you know.

For the millionth time (lol) thank you. You are such an encouraging and nice person, with great advice. I appreciate it. I need people like you.

 

[dnp]

One thing my therapist talked about recently was that if I expressed my feelings or needs while a child it was dangerous for me. The word "dangerous" really resonated in my mind and is completely accurate. Hiding reality or denying reality is really essential to the child's physical survival. I am not even talking about emotional survival at this point, just physically surviving. It sounds like he is coping in any way he can just as he did when he was a child.

Any chance of you two going to a trauma therapist together? Maybe you can tell him it's for you and he can see what a therapy session is like. I did not get help until my panic attacks were so frequent and bad I couldn't function and thought I would have a heart attack. I hope he can find some help as it sounds like he is really suffering.

I'm not a guy though, hope it's okay that I responded.

 

[Abstract]

It is very sad that so many normalise what isn't and wasn't normal. I think like dnp it says a lot about how afraid of it someone is. They probably see it as being tough and not letting it get the better of them but in truth it is possibly an indication of how dangerous it feels.

I think someone who truly has come to terms with experiences is able to say they were not OK but able to speak about them without avoidance or intense emotions.

If we admit something wasn't OK then we have to change how we see our families and the perpetrators; we have to see our own life and selves in a totally different way. In a way it is about being vulnerable in a good way.

I guess another issue I told him about was how he downplays my trauma because he downplays his and I said it bothers me a lot.

This would really bother me a lot. I imagine he wants to fix you in the same way he is trying to fix himself - pretend it OK and get on with it. But it would feel terribly invalidating. Really it's not OK. If he wants to stay in denial for himself then that is his right but not to invalidate what you are dealing with.

I think what people commonly misunderstand is that it isn't about blame. Its about acknowledging the truth and therefore gaining power over the past. Really when it isn't acknowledged then it is the opposite from what they think is happening and they are being controlled by the past.

I think dnp's idea of seeing a therapist together is an excellent one.

 

[dnp]

Abstract, you nailed it on the head.