Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Junebug))) I am thinking of you and am rooting for you. You do perservere. You must have alot of inner strength. I am rooting and cheering you on, Big hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you MO, gizmo, everyone, xox.

I stand corrected, in a way; I think in a way, maybe that is 'big progress', I mean, everything considered that's a lot better than a few days ago.

Though I know the bottom could fall out with my sister at anytime, she will pull it out herself even (even unintentionally). But then again I guess I understand, I'm pretty much slipping farther off the planet with my own actions and feelings too. I don't feel very hopeful or deserving or anything much.

 

[JustBe]

That's how I feel when depression drags me down. So far only antidepressants have helped.

 

[Springer80]

We Gotcha!!!! :):hug: XXXX

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh sweet Springer, you had to make me laugh eh ;), you're not supposed to do that! :) :inlove:

Seriously though, that is an unusual thought, to have that (support), I am really overwhelmed. Thank you. :hug:

I was going to write something, seriously, before I read that. But I will wait a little bit. :)

Xoxoxox to everyone who has been so very very kind.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure if this is relevant, and like always it seems unimportant for anyone else to read. But everyone has been so kind. And perhaps it's my own way of trying to understand by putting it into words. Someone said before that it's by putting it into words we make some sense of it. But I apologize in advance for the length (I have a hard time reading long posts, too :( ).

I woke up this morning feeling, and thinking, in my particular case (and this particular work problem, which seems to have mushroomed into a stop-S problem, or 'why-even-bother-stopping-S problem'), that it is hopeless. In so far that, after ptsd for almost 30 years, I can (at least after the fact) recognize what is solely ptsd-related (eg the fallout after triggers, not the case here), or solely depressive or anxiety-ridden thoughts (again, not so). My problem is, over and above this current work schedule or my stupid body not cooperating- is that I personally am without a purpose to exist, and do not have (beyond the one sister) even anyone to work at staying alive for, not spouse, nor children, or parents etc. Along with the stuff I've been through, and the 'end product' that I am (or am not) as a human being, that's just been (or feels like) too much. Frankly, I want my sister happy and settled so I can 'check out'. And I am a relationship (vs material goods) oriented person, so the losses of 'people' and the absence of family etc decreases not only my self-worth but reasons to exist. I don't fear death, that's for sure. I can blame myself, partly, for a wasted life due to my own decisions. Now I know most were at some level impacted by the ptsd, directly or indirectly. Similarly speaking though, they seemed to be the decisions I would choose at the time, the 'right' or 'only' ones.

However, one thing I abhor (and therefore abhor if I do it myself) is if someone twists words and doesn't listen (or try) to accept others' good advice. I guess the word is 'makes excuses' (like me saying I couldn't go to therapy). What I think I understand though, is that some people (perhaps myself) are too damaged or 'far gone' for conventional things to work. Some things can be achieved conventionally, but only so much. It is true (just speaking for myself, for example), that even trying to think of therapy as a positive and healthy thing, would not change the fact it would take me years to speak up. However, there ARE others things that help, like people speak of non-traditional therapy, like painting. Or even dancing. Or- whatever. The 'birds' nests' and flowers, I think it was what brat said. As a positive consequence but I also find it therapeutic on it's own. Or like springer saying above ( :) hee- xox), or Bloom MO nimekakaa etc saying one has enough worth they 'should' be alive. I don't know, it helps. Even when someone says (in real life) "it will be ok", it helps. I don't know why, but it does. I mean it literally, physically helps, my body 'feels' different.

Sorry- almost done- then what came to me was, I read years ago when I came to this forum a very old article that said "PTSD was a disorder of too much reality" (not 'too little', such as psychosis- not a break from reality). But an acute awareness of it, experience with it, daily dealings of it. I agree. I agree with that. 'Trauma' (sorry for the word Bloom, if you read this) is so 'serious'. And the after effects: the damage, the ptsd symptoms, the self-hatred and shame and abuse and realities that have plagued the past and continue to do so in the present. The self-rejection, at the end of the line.

So I thought today, perhaps the answer, and everyone has alluded to it above, is "Frig it". That is, (cognitively), frig the conscientiousness, the 'trying' so hard to battle the ptsd, to think of how one is a burden, to be so serious. I do not mean to not be responsible, but I do mean the moment(s) the SI is there, or the questions come to mind and guilt and shame for not being strong, being a burden, being broken, being able to change (or in particular not 'solve' or change enough), well, "frig it". Like there was some Woody Allen movie, and the guy says something like "Do you want to go out saturday", and his friend says, "No, I'm going to kill myself saturday", and the other friend says back, "Hmmmm, well, what are you doing friday then?" :confused: But really! :inpain::p

So, every moment the SI or self-hatred or despair presents itself, I am going to try to think of what I would say, do, or feel if I wasn't being serious about the thoughts and feelings that present themselves. Perhaps it can always be 'friday', then. :) To hang on that way one day at a time. (I mean, even the stupid health issues wouldn't be an issue if I didn't have a ptsd-related terror of Dr's and Hospitals).

I hope that makes some sense, my love and gratitude to all, xoxoxoxoxox, you are always in my prayers and thoughts if not in my words here. :hug:

 

[p-no]

Sorry- almost done- then what came to me was, I read years ago when I came to this forum a very old article that said "PTSD was a disorder of too much reality" (not 'too little', such as psychosis- not a break from reality). But an acute awareness of it, experience with it, daily dealings of it. I agree. I agree with that. 'Trauma' (sorry for the word Bloom, if you read this) is so 'serious'. And the after effects: the damage, the ptsd symptoms, the self-hatred and shame and abuse and realities that have plagued the past and continue to do so in the present. The self-rejection, at the end of the line.

Dear Junebug,

Finally I am back to a regular internet connection as opposed to my smart phone which worked only little periods of time during the last few days when I was away. I am glad to find that you seem to be doing a bit better.

I agree with so very much of what you wrote in your post. The quoted part though really hit home with me and/or hit the nail on the head as far as my life experience is concerned. "A disorder of too much reality"... yea... On my way home on the train that totally hit me (although I had not read your post before just now), the reality of that. Thank you for sharing this, and all you did share.

Honestly, I don't know (and this is all I am saying) if the "Frig it" is a good way to live. But it sure is, in my experience and for me only, a good way to survive and be able to move on for a period of time.

I can only repeat that I want you on this planet, because from how I've known you on here you are a person I like very much and I would miss very much, too. As you, my life is more focussed on others; I just realized that again today: I am content and grounded and well, what most refer to as "happy", I suppose, when I have someone to actively care for, to make happy. When everyone's well, I am too.

I do hear you with regard to your feeling so bad as you have and the SI, the depression and the feeling of no-way-out. And yet all I can be is "selfish" in wanting you getting better and finding a good way to live because you're precious to me.

p-no

 

[Springer80]

Link Removed

Hey, I'm having a little thinky about your above post. Bit tired today and family do fast approaching this weekend :eek:. I do think this could be the start of something interesting. Like you say about 'too much reality' it makes you think that what feels like physically giving up is just plain giving up, when actually I think it might be overcoming in disguise. Like a sneaky Chinese finger trap.

Also you are broken in your own unique and quite beautiful way. And the things you do to live a life that brings you solace will without doubt enrich, teach and bless those who around you.

Glad you posted :) x

 

[Springer80]

:hug:

 

[Springer80]

Just in case your wondering JB, I do have a file of hugging kangaroos and other marsupials to hand :photogenic::bookworm:. I was trying to keep it secret and release them at intervals to avoid over exposure...:sneaky:. Ah well :rolleyes:

 

[Tinyflame]

.. Honestly, I don't know (and this is all I am saying) if the "Frig it" is a good way to live. But it sure is, in my experience and for me only, a good way to survive and be able to move on for a period of time.

I can only repeat that I want you on this planet, because from how I've known you on here you are a person I like very much and I would miss very much, too. As you, my life is more focussed on others; I just realized that again today: I am content and grounded and well, what most refer to as "happy", I suppose, when I have someone to actively care for, to make happy. When everyone's well, I am too.

I do hear you with regard to your feeling so bad as you have and the SI, the depression and the feeling of no-way-out. And yet all I can be is "selfish" in wanting you getting better and finding a good way to live because you're precious to me.

Dear p-no, me too, really. The focus being distraction from negative thoughts is ok, but this 'frig it' business really isn't exactly 'me', either. :(

Thank you for you beautiful words, it's hard to not skim over them, in that they are so kind. 'Precious' and 'me' are hard to put in the same sentence. :hug: But I thank you and do feel the same as regards you. :) SUPER Big hugs and love to you. Thank you, I can't say enough. Because this is so wearing and boring and hard to hear, I know. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

. I do think this could be the start of something interesting. Like you say about 'too much reality' it makes you think that what feels like physically giving up is just plain giving up, when actually I think it might be overcoming in disguise. Like a sneaky Chinese finger trap.

Also you are broken in your own unique and quite beautiful way. And the things you do to live a life that brings you solace will without doubt enrich, teach and bless those who around you.. Glad you posted. :) x

Gee, Springer, I hope so, Though I will be the last to figure it out.:confused: That would be pretty miraculous.

Funny though, 'solace' is a word I've come across a lot lately. I feel like athorn more than a rose, lol. A Cactus!

Love to you Always as well, xoxoxox! :hug: