Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Dear hashi, gizmo, Deb, MS, Movin'On, p-no and Heidi, thank you for all your kind words and support.

Dear Deb, practically speaking, would you believe it, Health Care and we get no sick days (no time off to accrue- uninsurable they say, as we have more injuries than firefighters and construction workers combined). Similarly, our vacation pay is paid out yearly so unless one personally banks it, vacation (with a minimum of 1 months notice) is taken without pay. Also, I would need to upgrade my certification to apply for a facility or Hospital- could do it in a few months (vs 2 years) however that is only offered at night which is not an option now and requires about $1500 (could get about half covered by Employment Insurance). Crazy place, needless to say, about 6 people I know have quit the job and left the whole field entirely since this began 3 weeks ago.

Dear Hashi, I am pulling for you- and everyone with their struggles. It is so kind of each of you when you have so much of your own to deal with! Thank you from my heart. :inlove:

Something you said Hashi makes so much sense. I sort of fell into this field 11 years ago- left previous job on a friday, started this one on monday. I had experience in Health Care but not with seniors (paedeatric oncology), and experience with seniors but in a field unrelated to Health Care. But to be honest, I hate Health Care (not the people or even the work, but everything related to it), and hospitals I hate even worse,and the whole thing is loaded with triggers. And my body is giving out, with injuries. If I had any choice, I would gravitate to children, or animals, or even lanscape gardening! If I could do it all again, I'd dance, at least that's always fun, ha. :) To be honest, having 'choices' has not been my priority, it would be a bit of a dream, to actually work at something I loved or actually would choose, especially if it was a less-stressful environment (considering the ptsd, at least what I know about it now, that it's not just a question of 'trying harder').

Deb, you said:

There are times when a person can hit a point they just don't see any way out, and it is not that they want to die; they just don't know how to live.

I think that is so true, I realize I can't possibly accurately assess options if my thinking is constricted (which it must be). Even knowing that helps. Also, I think were my sister and I both not affected by this, and she has additional sorrows and worries on top of it, it would be easier for me to manage. Because as much as it is 'correct' that each person has to live their own life, there's no doubt when you live together you're bound to be affected by each other's moods, or anger or depression etc. She has had a falling out with her SO over it, and as such (and with the schedule changes) we no longer get a weekend away from each other every 2 weeks (which I found very peaceful simply because of less triggers). Plus I feel sad for her, and can totally relate, but have no solutions to offer her, either. :( But even realizing those things are contributing also helps.

Thank you all so much. I am not one for 'hotline's'- really have nothing to say about it. And it's too much for anyone I know in the '3D' world to want to listen to, only person I asked gave the implicit message I think that I shouldn't have asked, and I can't blame them for that. And I didn't really ask, more like venting. Not sure if anyone could think of something I can't, other than what you've said above and 'faith' and timing, as you Hashi have said. (And "Yay!" for soup. :) ) I think I hide it pretty well OTJ, I just know in 'real life' what I feel like.

Thank you all so much, xoxox, ((((((( :hug:'s )))))))).

 

[Whitneys story]

Junebug, Many hugs! JMHO I feel you are overcome with fear of all that is thrown at you. Any of us would be. For yourself, let it out.

You owe it to yourself, focus on what you know you can do and seperate what you can't. List or journal your feelings. Sometimes our self expectations blind us to what is possible.

Sending you healing energy. Hugs, Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Whitney. ((((Hugs)))) back. The fear is having to live like this one more week, or day or month.

I guess Hashi, and p-no hit the nail on the head. This schedule precludes normalcy, normal times for responsibilities, relationships, requirements, let alone choices. I have given up, or sacrificed, a lot in my life willingly. Taking away all that is left, leaves nothing worth living for. Because also there is no Bigger reason to fight for, or like this. Then, combining that with an environment of no hope, as both people are affected and feel the same, add in some anger, rage hopelessness- well, it's just not worth it. And certainly, ptsd-management such as journaling etc- forget that. To be honest I don't have the desire or energy to be sitting around at 4 a.m. journaling.

And to be honest, I see the fall-out and one might say immediate effects of how others feel the same about it- my sister's SO pretty much abandoned her within less than a week of it after 6 years. And even my own priest who I e-mailed never even responded, even when I went to drop off a present (unrelated), afterwards.

I understand it's no one else's fault or responsibility, and I even understand it colors how one sees the world (through what eyes). It also uncovers the lack of actual caring of others too, however.

As I said, I've fought through a lot. Now, I have no reason to fight. It's a bit of a living nightmare with the caveat that one's life now also contains an almost 'cross-cultural' existence: "Welcome to the 3am crowd"- forced isolation is some regards. Or isolation, as it were, with others in the same position.

I realize this sounds like venting, and hard for anyone to understand the gravity. Except to say, only taking my word for it, as I said when one has already sacrificed more than most would consider, taking away the last vestiges of normalcy leaves nothing. Sacrificing more for a purpose or a person is one thing, taking the last of what remains for no purpose turns it into a prison sentence with no reason to fight for. Because this is over and above (also) ptsd. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

[p-no]

Some people in the 3D world are easily overwhelmed. That though doesn't mean you shouldn't speak.

If hotlines aren't for you, have you considered e-mail emergency support? I think that must be available in English somewhere on the net? (I understood hotlines to mean emergency numbers you can call when in deep distress?!)

I wasn't a person for hotlines, but I called about three times in my life. There was someone on the other line who believed me and expressed their feelings towards what I told them. What was most helpful though was to get it off my chest to someone who listened. To me it was vital to know that the people on the other line had been educated for this, knew what they were to expect with someone like me, then in great distress, calling. If I had not known they could take it, I would not have called. There are people out there who can take it and who can deal with things very, very well and in a very healthy manner (for you as the caller). If calling is not an option at all, maybe expressing yourself by e-mail is a possible thing to do?

Sending you a big hug, Junebug. You're in my thoughts a lot.

 

[p-no]

Junebug, seriously, I was there once in the middle of nothingness. There's nothing I did but one thing: put my blinders on and focus on survival only. Get up in the morning, work, go to bed at night (which does not imply sleeping, relaxation or anything of that kind). It felt like not being human anymore, just existing. I remember I was doing it waiting for spring. I was clutching to the hope of spring's sunshine doing its job and uplift me at least a wee bit. It was the only hope I had, seriously. There was nothing else. It took till summer till the sunshine did a bit of uplifting. From there it was possible to go on.

(((Junebug))) I want you on this very planet.

 

[JustBe]

(((Junebug))) Thinking of you.

 

[mamachick]

Many many hugs to you Junebug.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this after all that you have survived. You mention that you have worked full time about 30 years. I hope I am not overstepping any boundaries with you. That would likely make you about my age. A couple of issues come to mind. First, over time I think our resliency wears down in general with ptsd and all the symptoms. We have pulled ourself up so many times, we would think that our experience would benefit us, but it makes us tired and weary and finding hope may become more difficult.

The other issues that come to my mind are hormonal (pre meno or menopausal). We do not have control over this. The imbalance can play complete havoc on our system as we have known it. When you combine menopause with ptsd-wheew. Just something I felt I needed to throw our there. You are very smart and insightful so I hesitate even mentioning it.

Living with sister and absorbing others mood is another huge factor in my opinion. You are very caring and sensative with everyone here, I can only imagine how draining this would be.

I admire you, I look up to you on this forum, and the world would never be the same if Junebug were not here. It is not your time sweetie. You have too much yet to do. You mentioned all those other jobs that sound like something you would prefer to be doing.

I dont know about your financial ability and what changing careers would mean financially to you. You have many caring interest and I believe that if you do what you love, the money will follow. (that is the old me-I admit-not all so positive lately-my own fear). If you close your eyes and imagine how you would like life to be, what do you see? If you dream it, you can achieve it. Please consider this.

We all need some balance and pleasure and clearly this job is consuming you. I know there must be something on your bucket list-yoga, horseback riding, musical, pottery, something of pleasure. Can you commit a little AM time to do something of pleasure for yourself. I have trouble finding my own "dreams" these days. But we have to keep trying to find that place inside us where those dreams have hidden.

I understand not being a hotline person, I am not either although I have used a couple of times. There are givers and takers in this world, and you are clearly a giver. It is really tough to "need". Please let yourself lean on others during this hard time, and talking to the hotline people allows them a sense purpose as well. You are doing them a favor. They are humans that ususally have had some loss or suffering that has drawn them to this work. It does not make you a weak person. Please lean on them and your friends here on the forum. I am always here if you want to pm me. Please know that you do not sound whiney. This is your current situation and it is real, but it is also temporary.

Your work responsibility sounds horrid. Others have quit and shifts are not covered. They cannot afford to loose you. Can you make requests for cutback of hours without taking a leave? Management needs to figure this out-it is there problem and they need to know that the direction they are going is affecting lives and is not workable. You have a peaceful power about you here on the forum. If anyone can get this across to them, you would have my bet.

Please keep sharing how you are feeling. Again, I am here for you to lean on (((((hugs))))

 

[Shellbell]

I don't have any practical suggestions, but just wanted to send you a big hug (((((Junebug)))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Junebug)))))

If this were a heart attack, you'd be in the ER right now, not caring about work because you'd be focusing on listening intently, hoping to hear another beep on that monitor.

You are having the equivalent of a heart attack right now. You are every bit as deserving of emergency, life-saving care as a heart attack patient.

Screw the job, finances, and unhelpful people. Screw what anyone else thinks. Please, choose to reach out. Call that hotline, and tell that person how bad it is and....let the rescuers please have a chance a saving you, my dear friend.

Please. Because you have come too far to let the darkness win, now. Not when help is so close by.

Please forgive me for my selfishness here - I love you! I would be devastated if this disease takes yet another kind wonderful person from my life!

Nothing matters but allowing the rescuers a chance to help you. Everything else will work out if you can give them a chance. Please don't lose another minute of your life to the great void...

 

[Springer80]

HI Jb,

I've been off work since February, my paid sick leave is about to run out. Occupational health team have instructed I have chronic fatigue and can't go back to the job. I don't know what on earth I'm going to do but my body is making the decisions now. I;m resting whether I like it or not. I know what you mean about it seeming like a prison sentence. In the case of ptsd, I think falling over and staying down is the beginning. Finally I don't have to maintain a charade. I know what your feeling, there are days I wonder if I'm kidding myself. But I deserve the warmth and solace that I search for and I want to build it. Sometimes I think you have to let everything fall away from you, it gives you a new foundation.

A big hug...a deep breath....a long rest.
Take it slowly ((((((Junebug)))))))))

 

[mamachick]

I have been gone a few hours and first thing checked my computer to see how you are Junebug. I thought of all the things I wish I would have said in my post before I left, and B Winter sums it all up perfectly. She expresses firmly what I wanted to say. I have thought of you all evening. You are very loved, respected, appreciated, and admired by many of us. Please trust that this is temporary, and nothing is worth your well being.

BW is so right-screw anything and anyone that does not attribute to you feeling better. Please let your friends help.((((((prayers and hugs)))))))

 

[Tessa]

Sending hugs and care across to you. I have visited a place like this sometimes too. It is lonely and exhausting. We are all here listening and caring and together ,if each of us lights a candle for you,it may give enough light to see the way ahead.