Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[ms spock]

my worries of the one specific work situation (competency), in which I feared I was (the only one?) incompetent, I mean every one else is literally quitting the whole job, The real point being, I do realize that for years I have had no confidence about virtually anything at all.

So you underestimated yourself by a huge margin then Junebug. That is something to really think about and take in.

I just mean I guess we do form different ways of managing life and such).

And many of our solutions can be quite creative and unique in an every changing world.

And our sweet rescue-dog was named in the top most remarkable rescues, I have no idea why everyone had such difficulty, or thought there would be, I really can't figure that out.

You have the touch Junebug and once again you are perhaps underestimating the touch that you have and how good you are with rescue animals. Having done a few rescue animals I know a bit about what is involved.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you dear @Ms Spock , I guess those things are true. You are very dear. :inlove:

Maybe people with trauma understand other people and animals with trauma. :) :notworthy:

PS, the rescue puppy maybe getting a sister... :wideeyed: :p :hug: Apparently she's a 'kindred soul' to the one here. :inlove:

 

[ms spock]

@Junebug You are getting real world feedback on your level of competency, clarity, skills base, sensitivity working with animals and the ability to handle a job that most people quit. They are important things to document and hold on to for those days when the distorted thinking tries to take hold.

All this stuff is pure gold in terms of disputing distorted thinking and underestimating yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Ms Spock , I know you are right. I know if I don't change the thoughts etc I can't expect change. Sometimes I wonder why I am trying to, or to what evail though. Perhaps one has to trust things can be or feel differently, in a future which by fact or it's nature is unknown.

:hug: Xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry Ms Spock, I guess I shouldn't have said that, felt down. Thank you for your kindness and support. :hug:

I noticed today my heart races a lot when I lay down on left side, but weirdest thing is it misses a beat, like lub-dub (x3) and then one big one. Ha. Probably nerves/ smoking blah. But maybe that increases my feelings of depression/ anxiety (plus less air). I have promised I'll try to quit smoking when this heavy call comes off at work, there seems to be an end in sight but nothing definitive. But maybe the physical part contributes to the mental one?

I wonder, if the racing heart too/ shortnesss of breath is just a panic attack my brain doesn't acknowledge or too much stimulants?

Though I am thankful (ALWAYS) for work, I hope I can find other work. I hope that I can find the confidence, energy and opportunity to get in to something that brings more peace than this, or is more suited to me in that way. Maybe such a thing might one day exist.

In the meantime I think I have made huge crossroads in putting the ptsd-perspective in place as regards it's life-long presence. I have a better understanding of how it's (I have) impacted on others (negatively), but it's not in a blame way but I think rather in better understanding, maturity and responsibility, less selfishly. And similarly how in other ways I've thought I've failed, they weren't really my responsibility. I can be thankful for other things and people, without failing them for what I can't do.

Though SI lurks under the surface it doesn't have exactly a 'use', it wouldn't help anything. Oddly enough despite it (or perhaps because of it) I can have moments of big peace I'm not sure many people ever have. They are (I am) perhaps 'too much' in the moment and not enough in the future (planning, etc), but to be honest not ever thinking that feeling of a peace (which by it's nature feels safe, worry or fear out of mind, restful, at peace) would be ever possible and yet being at times so is enough for me.

:hug:

 

[ms spock]

I'm sorry Ms Spock, I guess I shouldn't have said that, felt down. Thank you for your kindness and support. :hug:

I am not sure what you are referring to but you are allowed to have your own opinions and responses. Being honest with each other is allowed and preferred.

I am not saying I am emotionally mature enough to manage this well all the time but I hope to get there and improve.

In the meantime I think I have made huge crossroads in putting the ptsd-perspective in place as regards it's life-long presence. I have a better understanding of how it's (I have) impacted on others (negatively), but it's not in a blame way but I think rather in better understanding, maturity and responsibility, less selfishly. And similarly how in other ways I've thought I've failed, they weren't really my responsibility. I can be thankful for other things and people, without failing them for what I can't do.

That is an emotionally mature understanding in my mind. A balanced approach, I hope to improve to become more emotionally mature and balanced.

Though SI lurks under the surface it doesn't have exactly a 'use', it wouldn't help anything. Oddly enough despite it (or perhaps because of it) I can have moments of big peace I'm not sure many people ever have.
:hug:

Is the SI an old comforting friend? A habit of a life time? A way that you managed your emotions?

What would having peace without SI look like?

 

[Tinyflame]

Not so much a friend as a 'judge and jury'. Or at other times the 'light at the end of a very long tunnel'.

I think peace without ever having had SI is realizing how good things can be. I think peace (and joy and gratitude) after having SI and similar includes realizing (living through, knowledge) of how bad things can be.

 

[ms spock]

I think peace without ever having had SI is realizing how good things can be. I think peace (and joy and gratitude) after having SI and similar includes realizing (living through, knowledge) of how bad things can be.

I get the judge and jury thing. I get the light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Realising how good things will be or can be is a good one to hold on to. With my thinking I need all viewpoints to counter the thinking in my head. It is a helpful way of thinking about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Ms Spock . ((((((((Ms Spock :hug: )))))))))))))))

Well, possibly heavy call has come off.

Came in to work to find as well friend had died. :( Told her I loved her and vice versa when last saw her day before, but no illness just bad change in medication I tried to convey for past 2 days. Last thing she said was "Don't know what I'd do without you", but lot of good it did. :( Feel crappy.

 

[ms spock]

:( Feel crappy.

I am so sorry that your friend died.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Ms Spock. :(

Reall she and I having a conversation months ago if there was 'something after', or what it might be like, don't think she was originally too confident there is, I didn't say too much but glad she seemed to be happy and laughed and agreed when I said 'it's not called paradise for nothing". Hope she wasn't afraid.

Things like this get me as she was a mother, grandmother, daughter. I am nothing, wish it were someone else like me.

Also have come to the conclusion maybe for me the only way out or with (rather than through) ptsd is numbness, and going back to avoidance. Don't seem to make headway. There were 3 suicides (military) lately, one woman drove into a truck. I feel like that, it never leaves. Only when numb. I try to be aware of other's needs, be grateful, realize it's all part of my (boring) journey, but the constant presence of it is so not worth any of it.

A co-worker at work, she is extremely extroverted, which is fine (in fact I appreciate that if the delivery doesn't make people feel badly), we were talking about something at work to get involved in. She doesn't think I am shy because I am socially extroverted (virtually a requirement in my job or most), I finally said, "Believe whatever you want", I really don't care any more, it's so hard battling all of it. She said, "is that why you didn't say anything to 'us' when we started? (here, 1 1/2 years ago)", I said "I guess so". In reality was thinking, actually everyone was in-fighting (I stayed out of it), assuming liberties the place doesn't allow (I know intimate details of that past, with others, their repercussions), and I had like 35+ people to get to within 6 hours of pay (and they were still adding 2 hours within the 10). And this particular person was doing things on the side (for $). I stayed out of it, everyone seemed friendly to me. Plus I had SI, somehow I don't even care no one seems to get such stuff.

Blah, should delete this. Not even 'feelings', I seem un-maleable to any improvement, I was better numb. I realize it's of no importance but it's also really quite unliveable (unbearable) interiorally.

 

[Tinyflame]

I read some post, about we have to do our own coping etc. This is so true. True, necessary, realistic, required, appropriate. That is my problem, people seem to be able to work through this stuff. No matter how much I learn, try and practise (in every way) to 'sit through' and 'work through' feelings, they are too much. I cannot bear it. Perhaps I have to admit my limitations are different? I think I have to accept that, otherwise I'm banging my head against the wall (figuratively speaking), feeling worse and blaming myself too for being unable.