Dear sweet gizmo, by the way, I truly meant it- tributaries can be good. :) If the thread goes somewhere else, and specifically it can help anyone other than just me (hopefully and ideally), that is much better! :hug: And I am thankful for all the ways everyone here helps and has helped me. :hug:
I was just thinking, all of these years- decades- of dealing with 'myself', my symptomology I guess, I did the best I could even though I wasn't aware of 'why' or 'how' I was the way I was. Things like terror, fear, hypervigilance, momentary FB's (rare), insomnia, night sweats, the atypical depression (so accurate), and by extension the trust issues, etc. etc., well, I tried to find ways to deal with them, when every other way I tried to stop them completely failed. But the methods worked enough at least to get me 'here', without any self injury attempts, and curtailing (or not resorting to) many unhelpful and unhealthy ways to reduce stress and hide from the ptsd symptomology (not drinking to escape it, or gambling, or not eating, or sleeping around just to drown it out). Not perfect, but effectively enough for me to usually get through, to work, to date, to have a semi-normal life. (Or at least a 'dual' life- the one others saw, and the one my heart and body and mind and soul felt and lived.)
When I really fell apart in 2008, well they say that's because it feels (or 'is') safe enough to do so. But if I didn't fall apart, I guess I couldn't ever have the opportunity to address or 'bind up' (or have bound up) the parts of that 'dual life' that I never expected or sought or even thought could maybe one day be less painful. I didn't seek it out and I never would have thought I deserved it.
It reminds me of my back pain, or sinuses (yikes, here's a tributary, hee)! I've googled what to do about the latter, and even the Mayo Clinic doesn't recommend anything that I haven't already tried. In fact, what they do recommend is what I already do, because it is the most effective (though not wholly).
Or my back, I know now some positions that will make it go out, some ways to put it back in (myself). I can eventually narrow it down to what's causing the pain there, or in my wrists, neck, etc., and then change things. Though I'll never do pilates- absolutely excrutiating. So I'm 'different', but I compensate.
Or, I just can't tolerate Prime Rib, never could. I felt terribly ungrateful to say that. But it didn't ever change the fact it made me sick. Well, just like brussel sprouts and garlic, it turns out I'm likely allergic to penicillin, trace amounts are found in prime rib usually, and the other contain intolerably high (for me) amounts of sulphur.
So yay! I'm not entirely ungrateful or 'nuts', re: prime rib, lol! :)
So maybe this is what (just for me) has transpired in my life: I've learned to manage much of the symptomology of ptsd to the same expected 'hopeful degree' that is achieved through other conventional means (eg. therapy).
Now I find, that without letting those means go entirely, if I try to remain flexible, I get mini breakthroughs or lightbulbs. But it's rarely by conventional means.
If anything, the times I've taken the greatest risks (for example telling anyone about the particular situation at the time, telling about the ptsd, telling about the self injury), none were planned. I could say perhaps 'unconsciously' my mind planned it, but not to my knowledge. I recall feeling the exact opposite, that I would never say. Then, I would hear someone tell me something, then I would think something, and very spontaneously but clearly feel it was the 'right' thing to do. And strangely not feel the usual fear or shame about it, why I don't know? Even if I unconsciously was preparing myself, since I can't control others' words or actions, I can't explain what possessed them to say what they did to me or why, when they did. But it was always a precursor.
Since about 18, I came to build my life, at it's core of what I believe or how I cope or what I hold on to, with a belief in and attempt to trust in God at the center with the rest branching out- 'myself' and ptsd included. As part of my own beliefs, I've relied on it to get me through. I find that when I intellectualize too much, or I try to structure it rigidly, as a plan with steps "A->B->C-> .." that are said to be effective for most people, I hit a roadblock or am running on the spot, ultimately. But when I've not fought it so much- only partly- I have had more lasting success. Infinitely more healing or peace, if those terms apply. The problems that are solved, when they are, they are for good. I don't have to keep repeating management of the symptoms, those symptoms or triggers leave for good.
Am not sure if this makes sense. I just have so many examples in my life, where things don't fit a pattern. When I've received the most help I certainly was the least aware it was coming. Yet conversely, when I have tried the hardest, following conventional methods, it's been "tail-spin-City", lol.
What I am inclined to do, is to work backwards. For example, I felt happy and good and at peace from one point on Pre-Christmas. After I have melted down, I ask why? What is different in how I'm thinking now, compared to then? What am I thinking of? What is the explanation? And I have come to the conclusion one of the large parts is being present, neither fearing nor dealing with the future in my thoughts in any specific way. But I can't accomplish that (myself) by grounding-in-the-here-and-now. But, what conversely DOES (or did work) was a different perspective on the 'now', then the future (fears) fell away. (A rather inadequate explanation, but close as I can get).
And all of the times I've got through, or felt better, or been able to put things to rest, it's been coincidences, things I'd never sought out, definitely never anticipated.
What I think is required of myself more, is trust, vulnerability, learning to be dependent or trusting despite being independent or fearful. (That stuff alone would give me more than ample opportunities to practise grounding and mindfulness. :eek: :rolleyes: ). But I think it's in that- in the 'doing'- that it depends most of all. And that's truly the most difficult of all.
:hug:
