Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear SG, just a quick note as have been called in to work. Am thankful for working but it is disgusting as they are not only 'piggy-backing' clients but quadruple so, same pay and four billed in same time slot- go figure. Even my supervisor as such made a suggestion that was even too preposterous for me to go for. Oh well, guess I can consider it as a built-in company fitness plan, as well. Yikes. Now just have to figure out hw to be 4 different places and 3 different buildings at once. I am exhausted and wish I had a way to deal with this.

I hear you loud and clear as per your parents SG, I understand. Had to do the same with 2 sisters years ago. It was killing me. I still am holding out hope it will work out with the papers, and all, better than you can expect or even hope or know at this moment.

I hear what you are saying, and boy do you have guts! I've been told I can sell snow to Eskimos, but have no courage to role play, can only project when I'm in the mode and it's necessary. Oddly enough my back/ neck/ shoulders/ stomach pain, dictates so much of my body posture and mechanics. I now have one leg about 1 inch longer, have to cross my leg standing or sitting usually to get the pain off. Same with crossing my arms, to stand the back pain or try to relieve the gut pain. To be honest I have rarely felt so unwell. I try to be careful to smile, because I have a headache and facial pain I can rarely get rid of, despite copious amounts of Tylenol.

Yes, not sure if I am accepting of myself- certainly frustrated with myself, lol. But because of your kindness and such, I am trying.

Oh wow- does sound pretty unusual with the hearts. :) I am so sorry with your ex, lost many years of my heart with one, which however (after many years) my perception changed. I think we can love, or at the time 'feel' loved (or something). But I have found later it can be different, it's not as hard and difficult, depending on the person. If they cannot handle the ptsd, there are probably any number of things that might not have been overcome. I do not know if you will get back together with your ex, but I do know it's also possible there's someone out there that needs your love more than he does. It took me many many years to realize love doesn't have to be painful, or have the same conditions I thought it required (because different people expect different things, have different capacities, give more, or less, or are able or willing to).

What I do wish for you is love, joy, happiness. And ease! You have much courage and sweetness (already) :inlove: :) .

(And yes, I do think God is there, and busy working on it. I imagine ptsd isn't an intractable problem for God.)

Yes, I see what you mean with the feedback. I'm afraid of it. Also afraid to even ask/ go there. It feels burdensome. 'I' feel burdensome to do it.

(((((((((((((((((Sweet Sailorgal)))))))))))), xoxox.

I will be busy 'stirring' as we speak.. ;) :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear SG, just thought too, I value all your help- I know it's healthier to try to have some plan or try to face this stuff head on, not just deal with the worst/ most dangerous (like SI). But I'm afraid I might have misrepresented it, my friend is all you've said, but he's 'had' to do it, because I've asked (help, his work). It's not like I can call him up and we go for Mojitos, (ha). Yes, granted he's the only one I've said to about the ptsd, and the friends I can get together with and go for a beer I woudn't be mentioning ptsd to, or much anything else (SI for sure, ever, to). (Wisely). I've asked already more than I should, that's more than what anyone has to deal with (or should).

I just want you to know, I am listening to you, I DO appreciate the effort and your logic is sound, I know, it's just too burdensome etc. on anyone to do that. Bad enough, as is!

Big hugs ((((((((((((Dear SG))))))))))))).

 

[Sailorgal]

((((((Junebug))))))

Ah life toils on...every high has a low. Or vice versa.

You have such a physical job, I do hope you really take care of yourself, especially with what you shared. Wow, that's a looooong stretch. I do hope you find a few breaks to breathe, have a meal or a few small snacks and just rest your feet. :)

Thanks for understanding about the family drama. It's touchy because I feel bad not communicating, but also know I will be sucked back in!!!!

Aye mamma mia...why do you feel you are such a burden? If a friend is really a friend and there is enough trust and honesty there, they will usually tell you "enough!" I believe you not only need to convince yourself that you are worth it, your values, your opinions, your personality, but also that your friend's matters too. When you are not accepting if it, it's a rejection to them as well. My ex (again - lol) once got upset when he complimented me. He said that my rejection which I viewed as self-rejection, actually was rejecting him. I was invalidating him. So, sometimes the opinions of others DO matter. :)

I'm learning to put me first all over again, love myself as I am (not love PTSD though). It is a hard road. It helps to have support and love from others.

Truth be told, I am very broken hearted. I lost the only good thing I have known in my life (ok it's the 2nd), and it was PTSD, but more that it was at the discovery point. I was out of control...had I had some help earlier, we would still be together. He couldn't watch me hurt myself.

So I see more how much my actions affect others. Not to walk on eggshells....but I didn't think "I" really mattered. But I do.

I'm sure people wonder about "your story." The lady who hardly smiles.....the lady standing with weight to one side, crossed arms, looking uninterested, uninviting, uncaring....little do they know how your heart radiates love and compassion inside. What our bodies can't, our eyes and voice does. :)

Isn't God wonderful to give us 5 senses..... :)

*waiting for the candycane drink*

 

[intothelight]

Junebug,

I am catching up and "wow" talk about some amazing progress!!:) Just reading this has made me smile.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Sweet ITL, I don't know where you (others) see such progress, but I am very thankful! :hug: And I feel honored when it comes from you Deb, you're my hero. :) Xoxoxoxox. :hug:

Dear SG, I am not sure, am overwhelmed by your words, thank you. Yes, wow, I have never thought of it 'that' way. Except for accepting gifts. And (very) strangely enough, though I don't have much of a voice,but I've been told I have beautiful eyes and smile- very very funny if you knew me because they're totally a mess, lol. Thank God not just for our senses but others' views, sometimes, :hug: . Or bad eyesight, lol.

That's not a very pretty picture, hee, I sound like a cop, from what I know of them, lol. But in a way, true.

I did think yesterday, it's so very strange, to go from feeling like I've never gone through anything whatsoever in my life, and don't deserve any understanding, or help, or a ptsd diagnosis (as to what others have gone through), to feeling like if I could put all of it together as a kid on I could cry a river. Just once, even. Strange, because I think it's sort of self-empathy? Also very humbling. I almost wish I could say it once and be done with it.

You are so dear. I hope things can come around with your ex, if he's truly the man he seems to be. As I know who and how 'you' are. :hug: I say lots of prayers. :)

Oh ya, and something odd- remember back in 2008, after a 'bad' date, well the guy said he asked me out for 7 months (didn't feel like 7 months), or something about 7 months- I can't even recall, but one day I 'smiled' at him, (and hence the rest was history- in his mind). Ugh. Since hearing that, I'm so afraid to smile!

(Hey, here's a funny one, though: got asked out over the years by 2 chiropractors- they read the 'signs' correctly- disk trouble, that is, lol. :laugh: )

I will try to take these things to heart, SG. I'm afraid others don't/ win't say "enough", feel it's my responsibility to say it for them.

(((((((((Sweet SG)))))))), ((((((Sweet Deb))))))).

 

[Tinyflame]

Was thinking the 'burdensome' part, someone (a client) said to me at work, "you're full of love, you bring out the love in people". (Well, on occassion I bring out the rage, too, or rage comes out, with the same response, like 4 hours earlier- different client). But anyway, I was thinking for anyone but myself. I don't think of one single soliatry person I see as, or feel is, a burden, regardless of age, health, economic standing etc. Not myself, however, for what reasons I don't know: childhood, the last few years, whatever I am not sure. I do know it goes over and above having not made the career I expected to, or being single or not, or even (not) having a purpose. Perhaps somewhat related to what I can give or contribute, not sure if that's entirely. More so right back to childhood. Not sure. Sounds like a broken record. But thought doesn't seem to change it.

Yet I too must be 'lying', in that I still eat something etc, want to buy cigarettes (coping) etc (for myself), etc etc. Were I thinking of myself as entirely nothing, I wouldn't even think of that. So I can't say all of my actions reflect not thinking of myself, or depriving myself, even being burdensome. Seems to me I'd be less burdensome if I didn't.

Also out of the blue had lots of random, worst-case scenario fears, think its my brain's way of looking to 'find' or seek out specifically some way to 'explain away' how my body feels.

But yes, 2 more 'snow hearts'. (That's for you SG. :) :hug: )

 

[Tinyflame]

I do 'get' something!

Certainly as a child there was no room or time to ask for stuff- that would be a burden- there was so much going on.

There was much stress, some family drama (mostly around one relative, but I was privy to how it was affecting others). Plus I tried to support that relative- even as a kid. When it was 'over', she barely spoke to me again, go figure. I was 10 by then. And I think it was (especially) really hard on a 'simple' level, to have my dad leave and come back constantly, though I went into the 'mode' and dealt with it (privately).

But mostly too, it was hard to watch (and know) how ill my dad was. And though it was cancer it would get really bad during high-stress times (he would go totally jaundiced.) I knew that was really bad and knew my mom said it was very serious, and I knew she was really worried. I mean I knew that at 4, and 5.

But people talk of pre and post ptsd, I never could envision a 'pre' time, though it didn't start til late (well, about 14 1/2). I remember the 'strange' things about it, starting specifically.

But that sadness, or 'hole' since I was a kid, was since when I was a kid. Not sure how one 'backfills' that up. Or becomes 'normal', when it's been there all my life. That's why (though), in a different way, I've had a continuity of thoughts or heart or feelings (to a great degree), my whole life.

I did think after all these years- too bad we didn't get a break for 'seniority', with ptsd. :) I mean, I would hope to think I've learned something, after all this time. No wonder it feels like I've been around the bend and back. :eek:

 

[Sailorgal]

But yes, 2 more 'snow hearts'. (That's for you SG. )

Bless your heart Junebug! I really need that right now.

Certainly as a child there was no room or time to ask for stuff- that would be a burden- there was so much going on.

Also out of the blue had lots of random, worst-case scenario fears, think its my brain's way of looking to 'find' or seek out specifically some way to 'explain away' how my body feels.

It's interesting that you mention this. Our brains never stop. Memories and thoughts keep processing the rest of our lives. Obviously, the many pieces of you are competing for "air time." One part wants to follow dreams, another is too afraid to speak up about it. And so forth and so forth. The big thing is that given where you are now, what voice do you want to follow at this moment, TODAY, NOW. Not how you feel, or what you fear....that may never go away, but to admit ALL your thoughts are valid.

Alas, your upbringing as you mentioned previously has shaped your "thinking." I can imagine your eyes playing tennis - going back and forth wondering..."If I say this, will she get mad? Will he be upset if I talk to her?" The dreaded washing machine thought pattern....

We have our survival instincts....but I wouldn't say it's the same as really thinking about yourself in a soothing, self-care way. For some reason, you feel you are burdening people.....obviously stems from your childhood. Some people may say we are. You know, we have a right to have our bad days like anyone else. BUT....living constantly in that fear that you are burdening someone? Obviously it's because you have a fear of hurting them in some way.....or feel they will hurt you.

Does that ring a bell?

Love the hearts......:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

We have our survival instincts....but I wouldn't say it's the same as really thinking about yourself in a soothing, self-care way. For some reason, you feel you are burdening people.....obviously stems from your childhood. Some people may say we are. You know, we have a right to have our bad days like anyone else. BUT....living constantly in that fear that you are burdening someone? Obviously it's because you have a fear of hurting them in some way.....or feel they will hurt you.

Does that ring a bell?

Oh Dear SG, yes, (a 'gong'), not one that I could express in words, but you have for me. I guess that is exactly it. And fear too, as some feedback past few years has been that I have been a terrible burden, even on my GOOD days, oye.

Oh my God, yes, certainly not self-soothing. (Horrible, almost impossible to live with that feeling. :( ).

Oh Sweet SG, yes. I am a Maytag. :( Hee.

Thank you for your kindness. :inlove:

I forgot to say.. I have always loved and wanted to learn how to sail. :) Do you really know how?

True- 2 more hearts. :) I'll let you know when the next shows up. :)

Extra Extra good luck, joy, blessings for tomorrow! I so admire you, you are so brave! Yay! :tup: :hug: :inlove: Xoxoxoxoxoxox! Double hugs sweet SG. :hug: :laugh:

 

[Sailorgal]

Aye Junebug,

Sorry I haven't really replied. I didn't make the cut. Disappointed, but the real disappointed was seeing the others that made it. Half were questionable...I mean when do you show up for an interview without brushing your hair? First impressions are DEFINITELY not the norm nowadays. But thanks for your support! It means a lot to have people believing in me. Funny that the other candidates thought I was the interviewer - I could see the nervous looks on their faces!!!! Ha! Anyhow, back to the Junebug show... :p

If you are Maytag, I must be Whirlpool! :laugh:

I have been a terrible burden, even on my GOOD days, oye.

Who gave you this feedback Junebug? Your sister?

One helpful way to process feedback is to analyze the person giving it. Even if it is true, constructive criticism is very different from an attack. With PTSD, of course nothing is ever good, but I would evaluate the person giving you the feedback. Someone telling me very heavy news doesn't make me view them as a burden. Seeing you as a burden versus you sharing something that is a burden.

It all stems down from fear. You risk burdening people but in the end, it's because fear of some sort: being isolated, uncared for, unheard, unloved, alienated, rejected, hated, threatened...whatever the root is, there is a fear that something will happen to you. It may never have happened to you to cause it - it may have been you witnessing the effects of it from someone else. What do you think that ultimately is?

I hope you can believe in yourself more and more. It's tough....you continually have to tear down those destructive walls. Maybe those hearts are really a sign for you? ;)

I have always loved and wanted to learn how to sail. Do you really know how?

Ah, that's wonderful! I do know how to sail and love it. The wind, adjusting sheets, and the cruising with a cocktail or two. :hungover:

Hmmm, I'll try and post a photo one day. Have to be careful though.

One day when I get my boat you will have to come out for a lesson. :cool:

I need to get back on the water. I miss it soo much. I did so much sailing last summer with my ex (he is an avid sailor and has a boat). Now you see why I miss him so much? Ha ha!

Triple hugs back at ya Junebug!!!! :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw dear SG, I posted in your other thread. I meant what I said, wholeheartedly.

I think back of the explicitly expressed saying, the higher one moves up the corporate ladder, the more of a "bendable moral code" those higher up are seeking (their words, not my own). Or my own experience, of working in a company and uncovering $800,000.00 in graft in under 8 months (and this had gone on for years); that quickly translated to recognizing it was then grafted by the Board. Sometimes it's in a Company's best interests to not succeed- a 'write off', if you will. Not for those with the investment of the most money- they will quickly bail. But times are tough, and much of the underworkings can remain unknown.

I recall once when my dad chose to give up a job- had 2 little ones but he had a specific directive to rip people off (that had trusted him). Though he and my mom didn't have a bean, she said he should do what he felt he needed to do, and he did quit. At some point, they lost virtually everything they had, with one payment after years left. In another case they had endless grief, because they didn't turn someone in who had done wrong to them and others. And one OTHER time, my dad (who was also a fantastic salesman), lost out on a job he should have been hired for- a few years later he came across the interviewer, who said he wanted to give my dad the job, he was definitely more qualified, but the other candidate it had come down to, well he and his wife had a 'new baby', and my dad's suit was 'so expensive'. Well, truth be known, my mom and dad had 3 small children, plus me as a baby (4), not a dollar to bless themselves with, but my mom's dad (a tailor) had made my dad the suit. That man (interviewer) was legit, but I guess he had to see (or 'hear'), appearances can be deceiving.

There are many instances I've been aware of, in my own life, those of family members. Unfortunately, it rarely came down to what it 'should' have; that is, just a qualified person getting a legitimate opportunity within a legitimate organization.

I say it not to be a downer, I guess the one thing I have also seen is that things can still work out. Despite how you might feel now. And hopefully ASAP.

And like I said, you made it, YOU DID IT. Be very proud. :)

Thank you SG for reaching out to me, even in your own need and pain. Thank you for saying 'burdensome info' doesn't make 'me' burdensome. However, I guess it's a bit like Pavlov's dog, too much associated of it with 'me'. Yes, there has been feedback I'm a waste of space, burden and better were I dead. Guess those things (comments) should just be taken as they are, ha. But perhaps on the true, legitimate level, there's more truth in it. Or in other things, other discussions, other facts, other's responses. I have lacked the courage you show, the self-awareness, the selflessness you don't think you have but do. I can only carry on one day at a time (but I'd sure love to go sailing :) . Yes the freedom, the beauty).

I say rum and coke, tonight? How about spiced rum for 2 pirates? ;)

Biggest of hugs, xoxoxoxoxoxox, :hug: .

 

[Sailorgal]

Unfortunately, it rarely came down to what it 'should' have; that is, just a qualified person getting a legitimate opportunity within a legitimate organization.

Ain't that the truth!

Thanks so much for sharing the story. It is sad that happened to your father.

And like I said, you made it, YOU DID IT. Be very proud.

Again, thank you Junebug! Yes, I have to remind myself that. I actually managed to get through it. Nearly crashed a few times on the way there because not having driven for so long, some of the things on the freeway in the early morning threw me off! :eek:

Yes, there has been feedback I'm a waste of space, burden and better were I dead. Guess those things (comments) should just be taken as they are, ha.

Oh my, ok these words are just WRONG all together. No one should EVER be told these things. This is abuse and you should not be accepting of this in any way. You don't deserve such inhumane treatment verbally.

You are VALUABLE, WORTHY, PRECIOUS, and SPECIAL. Start believing it!!!!

Spiced rum sounds good! I'll get the boat ready.... :hug: