Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Abstract]

Dearest Junebug,

I guess I thought of how sometimes the only way I start seeing that they way I feel about myself may not be right is when I see someone else feel the same way. So I hoped that seeing me say similar ish things may help you see that you don't deserve to feel the way you do. The bones of it were accurate and I was just describing it in a similar terms. I hope that was Ok.

Your feelings and everything you discuss here are very important and discussing how you feel and what you are struggling is not whining at all. I too struggle feeling that discussing things is somehow wrong.

Oh and I certainly don't think we can switch off a way of thinking that we have been doing for ever. Its annoying hard to change even though possible in my experience. And I totally agree with what you said about Pete Walker and trust being switched off when we are set off by something.

I think the first step is to be able to realise that this is what is happening and be able to hold onto the concept that we don't deserve to feel this way even when actually changing it is still outside of our grasp. To not fully accept that it is the truth in the moment and try to keep a part of our mind grounded in what is likely to be happening. And to acknowledge that and to remind ourselves.

were decent and healthier, or focused on me or gave to me, I was very uncomfortable. Also I just never believed what they said that was positive. Didn't argue it, just ignored it.

I think I understand exactly. It can be uncomfortable to be treated in a way we are not used to and can almost feel wrong. If we have absorbed from childhood that having our own needs met is wrong then having someone take note of them can be disturbing. Our role is being threatened and that is uncomfortable. I think what is extremely important is to have a solid belief that that role is no longer helpful or needed in our adult life and that happiness only comes with giving up that role and rather finding one which is more appropriate for the present.

It also is not helpful when we have been surrounded by people that are unable to think of anyone but themselves or worse are abusive.

I also think filtering out positive things and experiences is extremely common. I find it near impossible to absorb compliments and care (other than to do with work etc). For me the first step has been to be aware of what is happening and to try to acknowledge when things are said or done rather than just skimming over them.

It would be wonderful if we could just leave the blah stuff behind and goodness knows I have tried but it doesn't seem to work. If you find a way then let me know!

None of these things are your fault and the ways we develop to cope are just that and don't deserve anything other than understanding.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oye Abstract, I DO understand- the 'right' answer to your post was 'that's ridiculous'. Oye.

This is it, it is so ridiculous, in that I can't win regarding asking: it's difficult (makes me feel badly), and so is not receiving help (also feel badly), and so is even receiving help (can feel badly). Oh God. :rolleyes: No small wonder it's rather important to try to avoid having to. Can only ever think, 'what was I thinking?'. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Sweet Abstract, sorry I posted and hadn't read yours. Of course it was ok!

Thank you for these kind words, which I am going to try to think of as not 'just' kind words, but 'true'.

I am going to try to use "The first step is.." as a first step. Also the paragraph that followed the quote. My only indicator I'm in it- but perhaps is a good one- is that I can't recall anything 'recent'. So I'll try to remember to start with that.

I will keep my eye out for "blah- dissolvers"! :)

(((((((((Sweet Abstract :inlove: xoxo)))))))))

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,
:inlove:

I also understand not being able to think and going blank. I think there are various degrees of it and was shocked a year or so ago when I read and had someone confirm it can be a form of dissociation. Dissociated thoughts. I also think when we are triggered and inside the past then everything ceases to exist. And i guess for all of these we have to practice keeping some connection to reality and the "outside" so to speak.

 

[Abstract]

Oh God. No small wonder it's rather important to try to avoid having to

I think its rather a case of "oh God no wonder I struggle to ask for and receive help - why it is difficult for me. I can start to see what the obstacles are and therefore a way forward to a time and place where I can ask and can allow myself to receive".

The problem here is not you asking for help but rather the beliefs and other factors that get in the way. You haven't asked very often in your life have you? And has that solved anything? I don't think so. You are talking in this thread and asking and you seem to have made great progress.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's all in the anonymity, hee!

Thank you SWeet Abstract, that's right, :hug: .

Yes and there has to be a better way than snapping elastics on one's wrists, geez if anything pain puts me back not in the present. Maybe the opposite- comforting things/ happy things- truly? I should think being able to relax or something comforting would be counter to the feelings, maybe?

More hugs, for your patience, kindness, help and wisdom. :hug:

 

[littlelostchild]

Abstract and Junebug, reading this thread is like reading conversations I have in my head about need and not deserving anything from others and how it feels uncomfortable to accept kindness or caring.

I was able to function until May when everything crumbled and I had to leave work. I told a colleague that I was visualizing hanging myself in my office - I had it all planned out - when I would come in, where to get what I needed, etc. I just knew my H and kids would be devastated, so I couldn't do it to them. I finally told my H what was going on when I had already told HR that my doctor would be sending them a letter.

My point being that I didn't let the closest person to me have any notion that I was slipping over the edge. He was totally shocked to find out that I was suicidal. I keep my emotions hidden and ask for no emotional support (I don't deserve it). I didn't get emotional support as a child, I was 'too sensitive' or didn't have a 'sense of humour' and it has become my belief.

I was abused and emotionally tortured by things my dad did. In the swimming pool he would randomly pull me under by my foot while I was swimming around - I remember this happening from as early as age 7. He would lay in wait and jump out from behind me and grab my breasts and tickle me - this went on from age 9 - 17. I trained myself to not be ticklish. They did things to make me cry - then said 'stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about' and when I didn't cry when they thought I should they called me 'cold'.

How can I be trusting and allow comfort? I feel crazy sometimes. This is so darn hard. My H really wants to help, but I struggle to let him in. He wants to comfort me, hold me - but it is difficult to let him do it. I know I'm lucky to have someone - quit complaining, right, but aargh. I don't know how to trust him. :-( We have been married 27 years, it sounds ridiculous, right? I don't know how to let the man I've been with for 30 love me. OMG I must be nuts.

 

[Tinyflame]

Littlelostchild, am not sure it's helpful but I very much relate. I am so sorry for what you've been through, and the end result of how bad you feel and have felt. :( But I am glad you are still 'here'.

Well, I guess they were or 'are' conversations in my head as well littlelostchild- like Abstract said, 'beliefs'. I understand too, I taught myself to not cry too, for the most part.

No! I don't think that's crazy or complaining, just wonderful you have such support and obviously he must love you to pieces, 30 years :love: . You are right, no matter how you feel don't do anything rash that would impact on your H or children, because it's not a reflection of how much they care about you and they need you there. Maybe start small.?

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, for some reason I can't leave a message on your profile page. Thank you for being sooooo kind. ((((((((( :hug: ))))))))))

 

[Abstract]

Dear Junebug,

There is no reason for thanks at all but I accept :inlove:

Sorry to be such a pain. I have a block on messages as still feel a little weird "speaking" to people. It seems it does not block mods and hence their messages. I hope you have a good day Junebug.

 

[intothelight]

Junebug,

There are so many things that I can relate to in what you wrote. The need, the effort, and then the question as to whether or not we are deserving.

Reading this tread I see a lot of growth in you and growth is a lot of steps forward and steps backwards. Keep moving forward. I backslid today and feel like total crap, full of hurt. Unfortunately, I learned how to cry and the river of tears doesn't seem to have any end.

I am tired of crying but also know the place that I am is not good and I can be in a better place. I've been in better places before. So tomorrow I will call me T and get the tools and direction needed to pick myself up and dust off. Keep picking yourself up, dusting off and standing up and living another day to the best of your ability.

There are many good days and good things ahead for you. Sometimes it is just opening our eyes once the PTSD clouds of hurt are moved out of the way.

:hug:

Deb

 

[Sailorgal]

Ok I'm not on here too often - too many quotes to repost so I'll keep it simple.

Junebug, when people keep pushing themselves forward it's because they BELIEVE in what they want to achieve. Whether it's sports, a new invention, grass roots change, it's about standing firm in what they believe inside of them. If one person doesn't belive in their vision or product or ability, the dissapointed individual goes on. They don't give up. Being "put together on the outside" doesn't make you any more of a believer in your dreams/goals/aspirations, etc. than you becoming Batman. It's not about how you treat other people. It's about how others treat you and above all, how you treat yourself. Some of the most biggest liars are the sweetest talkers.

It's always easier to keep going than to change course. I've gone through every type of disappointment and invalidation when I was right. It's easier for me to shut the world out and be in my own little island. I remember many times people asking me "Who are you really?" It was like I came from another world (ok that is another story - LOL). Sadly, we learn to play the greatest role - the Pretender. We become so good at it we don't even realize it's a role. We believe it. We believe that is how we always were, and that we don't care because after all it really doesn't matter. We "assume" others will just reject us anyhow so we put them in a "I'm not going to care" box. We are fine. Leave us alone. Don't ask. Don't knock. Don't even think anything about us. Besides, even if you say you care, you really don't. :clown:

I think the first step is to be able to realise that this is what is happening and be able to hold onto the concept that we don't deserve to feel this way even when actually changing it is still outside of our grasp. To not fully accept that it is the truth in the moment and try to keep a part of our mind grounded in what is likely to be happening. And to acknowledge that and to remind ourselves.

For me the first step has been to be aware of what is happening and to try to acknowledge when things are said or done rather than just skimming over them.

GF, Abstract and Littlelostchild, I'm sorry you have these feelings as well. As Abstract pointed out, rather than brushing compliments and positive comments from others, it's good to take in what they say and challenge our thinking. Most often than not it's the battle in our own minds.

JB - I will give "him" a name. SB? Sailorboy? He he he

This really is a great discussion. Will check back in soon. Hugs!!!!!!:hug: