Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[littlelostchild]

SailorGal - you've totally got it - being put together on the outside doesn't make you any more of a believer in yourself. I think in many ways it has the opposite effect. Trust me when I say that if anyone (well maybe 2 people have it figured out) I worked with saw this breakdown coming, I'd be amazed. I was on important committees, ran symposia, had my building humming along, people found me to be friendly, helpful, hard workihg, etc. Everyone was fooled (except my right hand assistant, who saw it coming and was surprised I lasted as long as I did. He thought I would have gone over 3 month before I did).

But when I went, I went big, quietly, but big. There were no coping skills left in my box and I came within a hair's breadth of killing myself. I went home and stayed there away from everyone - I couldn't cope with people, any people. Even my husband was touch and go. I would dissociate, watch tv and get triggered by everything and nothing. When my H took me for a weekend away to a nearby city for a break, the first thing I thought when he dropped me off in the room and he went to get the luggage was that the windows could open in such a way that I could put myself out between them. It was a very dark number of months. The more put together I looked, the less and less put together I was.

I am just barely getting some semblance of myself back now. I still can't work, but I do some volunteering with the homeless and I push myself to go into their office environment. Otherwise I would become a shameful recluse. PTSD sucks, my abusers are b*st*rds (that's progress!). My worst now is just wanting to hit my fists on the concrete in the basement, but after a little while that doesn't hurt anymore. I'm not sure why I go for the physical pain to get relief.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, I understand with talking and even identifying ourselves (a name, or initial). It's so ok! I understand and can love you just as easily without that detail. :) :inlove: And yes, you most certainly deserve the thanks. I must get myself organized to write down and concentrate on the most important principles you've said. But I did try today, to recall about grounding (and with comforting things). Most amazing thing was, not only did I have virtually no ptsd reminders and triggers, but the absence of those intrusive thoughts almost left me blank, lol. :) A welcome relief though.

What a huge difference, (you) quantifying or qualifying the difference between thoughts or difficulties, but the difficulty stemming from the belief. Perhaps it is simple for most people, but a belief being core, nothing else comes to mind trying to self-reason. Like focusing on the symptom but not the problem. Thank you so much, sweet Abstract.

And entirely forgot what you said that SG quoted above, or I blocked it out (I mean that seriously), to tell ourselves we don't deserve (I would put the word in italics if I could find them) to feel those ways (and things about ourselves).

I am so glad you DO accept the thanks, love to you! :hug:

Dear SG, so good to hear from you and hope everything is improving. I like "SG + SB", lol. :) You know, am not sure 'what' purpose I have, or any dream, only to say I can do what I think (I hope) is best to the extent I hope so, offer it as such. Miniscule or not. Maybe God can do bigger things with small things. That's ok with me, though.

I want to wish you Big Hugs but the emoticon is stalling (I've got tardy emoticons lol), so I'll do it the Old Fashioned way :) ((((((((((((((Dear dear SG)))))))))))), xoxox. Thank you always.

Aw Deb, you are so kind -always- to write and help. I always related to what you've described or said, (with the caveat I do not have your bravery or courage or wisdom). I thought specifically, and often do, of the times I am ungrtaeful for life, and feel it insults you, as I know how hard you've fought and are seeking to fulfill every moment of every day. And I know you are right- and I have had days like that, too, where every moment it is just good to be alive. I hope to get to that again. As for the tears, they are not unfortunate Deb. Because though I myself fear and hate that (them), because I fear I'd flood the world (lol), it's healthy and progress when they're necessary. It's actually great progress they're possible.

Thank you so much for the encouragement, and the vote of confidence. I swear others have more faith in me than I can fathom towards myself. Your plan sounds good for tomorrow, and I am hoping you are feeling a little better already. I think TLC sounds like the prescription ("friend's orders" :) ). ((((((((Dear Sweet Debbie, xoxox)))))))).

Littlelostchild, what was done to you was so very wrong. I hear you. I entirely relate and was in much the same position, OMG for so many months- think it was near 2 years. I've never had such an experience before occur, in intensity, duration and sheer and utter vulnerability before it. Like David and a horrible Goliath monster. :( I couldn't see a balcony at work without being virtually compelled to throw myself off it. And I had plans in place, too, but mostly they were thwarted or somehow- on one or 2 occassions, sheer pulled away and not by my own volition, was numb and blanked out. The good news is, and I am careful to say "I don't want to speak too soon", but since I think January 2011?, or gosh, maybe earlier- the previous summer(?), it's been way better. Progressively tiny steps, but a world of difference. But only because of help, on my own I was sunk. Not sure how I lasted. I sometimes wonder, if it was like a wave of grief hit- an unexpected tsunami? But you will do it too. I'm pulling for you! And just remember, it's a lie. ((((((((LLC))))))))

More hugs for all, ((((GreenFrog2)))))) and (((((Safenow))))), also, xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh ya, and would you believe, my poor dog (previously abused), had her own meltdown today? :( First ever here, really. But I think I helped her get through it, knowing triggers and such. Just started a bit with a door banging just a bit, and the house was cold (open windows- think that had a lot to do with it, because ultimately seemed to be the 'key' to warm it up to calm her down- after 45 minutes on the ceiling. Just like us, I swear.) ). Anyway I am happy to say she seems to feel like her self and just like "us" is now sleeping in relief. She is so sweet, I mean even if a person didn't like dogs you'd be compelled to love her, she has such a sweet face, hee. She is so beautiful. :) (I always say, "aren't you glad I don't have kids", hee. :) )

 

[Tinyflame]

Was thinking, this is what God had planned, that is, this is what I have, so, well, just that's so. And therefore, it's ok.

Doe that make sense? :)

 

[littlelostchild]

I believe things happen for a reason. I don't always know at the time, but there is a reason down the road. Maybe it's like God's plan. Maybe I wouldn't have a lot of the positive qualities that I have today if my life was different -ptsd and all. My brother in law once said that he figured I was dropped off on the doorstep in a basket because I am not at all like the rest of my family - thankfully! I'm not saying I'm glad for the abuse, but it shaped me, good and bad. It's just that the negative can be so overwhelming.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh yes, littlelostchild, I do understand. I am sure it's inevitable we all are different because of our circumstances, or choices, or ptsd. I totally understand how the negative is so overwhelming, I didn't really mean that it isn't. In that I don't think people always realize, that destruction, abuse, sorrow etc, can really be soul-destroying.

More like I meant, it is what it is. Being it's where I am, and God has 'whatever' in mind, then that part is ok. Not anything of the negative to think of, that's all too obvious, or depressing or exhausting and overwhelming, not even trying to find the positives or reasons for it, as the plan isn't mine and therefore I don't know the reasons. The reason is 'something'. And yes, of course it affects how I am, the choices I make, what I think, what I feel, even which street I can choose to walk down (literally!) .

I don't know, just no thought about it, just embrace it and not concern myself with the details. Because it's ok. Does that make sense? :)

PS, yes, sounds like that basket carried a mighty special delivery :) :barefoot: :inlove: , :hug: .

 

[safenow]

Junebug. I suggest you take a day off and go for a nice walk outside. If you can get to a park, go there and take your shoes off. Walk around in the grass, and breathe deeply. Touch a tree, and just feel the strength of it. Rub the leaves of that tree and listen to the wind as it blows through it. Allow it to talk to you. Listen for the sounds of birds or ducks. If there is a stream in that park, go wiggle your fingers in it.

If you live in a city, take a day off and go to a museum. Look at all the pictures and see if you can find one that you really like. Then just stand there and look at it. Really look at. Was does that picture say to you? Does it speak to you?

Those are my suggestions to help you with your work exhaustion and to help lift you out of your depression. Take good care of you. You are a very nice person. We have seen how you talk to people here. You are very kind and compassionate. You are a rare jewel in this world. Thank you asking us to help you with your issues. It helps us to heal as well. Thank you.

 

[littlelostchild]

Junebug - thanks for your words - you are so encouraaging! I totally understood what you originally meant about the concept of 'letting go and letting God'. I think when we can do that it makes it easier to accept that what happened was not our fault. I know that the negative can be overwhelming at times, but beleiving that it too has a purpose is what gets me through the worst. Even my darkest times have taught me important lessons after I am out of them. The important part is getting out of them - having someone who can help you through, getting on the forum, knowing the signs of the slide and looking after yourself, whatever it is. (I can write this today because I am feeling OK - I count on others on my dark days)

Junebug, I hope you are taking care of yourself today! You are really important to me on this forum - you are giving me encouragement and helping me to understand what is going on in me. I am so new to this and I value your insight and feedback.

That aside, I hope you are looking after yourself today for you. Do something playful! Enjoy watching or listening to something you favor or eat your favorite flavour! You are special and I hope you know it! ((Junebug))

 

[safenow]

The important part is getting out of them - having someone who can help you through, getting on the forum, knowing the signs of the slide and looking after yourself, whatever it is. (I can write this today because I am feeling OK - I count on others on my dark days)

Thank you for those words. I love it when humans talk to each other from their heart. It is so clear.

Thank you for the hugs, junebug. (((( Junebug ))), butterfly kisses to all.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear safenow and littlelostchild you are so very kind. Thank you!

I certainy hope something I can say or do can help someone else, even if I'm never aware it does. To me that's what counts, what matters.

Or dear safenow, I had to laugh- yes in the city but about 2 or 3 months from wiggling toes in grass- about 2 feet of snow, lol. But I so agree. I love nature and how I feel in it. It's just so darn cold! But that's a good idea with the museum- or even pictures, it reminds me to stop and 'live' (within) my own life. And as you said, deal with the exhaustion and/ or depression and plain-old ptsd-is-wearing-me-out truth.

Thank you for saying asking for help might help others. That means sooooooo very much, I don't have words to say. :hug:

I made a boo-boo, was sick these last 2 days, due to no painkillers and using (other) over the counter stuff, ugh, :( , made it worse and threw me off. However, I'm going to try to remember to not do that again. Just out of etra strengthTylenol- you wouldn't think that'd be much. But after being up straight almost 2 nights, well 3, I guess so. But maybe it's good, to learn not to mask pain, address it instead. I feel horribly unwell, but that is just a 'blip' as compared to overall feeling better a few (?) weeks (than before). So fortunate.

It is my day off but I have to go to the Office to pick up protective gear, of all things. I'm almost too tired. But then I think that's stupid. They're not open again til tuesday.

Thank you safenow, normally 'butterfly kisses' would scare me to death, but not today they are welcome. Thank you for your kindness. :hug:

Dear littlelostchild, though new to this you are really hitting the nail on the head, so don't sell yourself short! I think it helps to keep the solutions simple, it's accurate and really a matter of persevering, too, over-and-over.

You know, I was thinking, because I never could understand why this 'stuff' started at 14 after my dad died. But writing months ago, I think it could be because of (basically) seeing him given what is likely a lethal dose of morphine. As I aged, my suspicions were more confirmed than shown to be just a fear or semi-suspicion. Or more accurately, maybe because I said nothing to stop it nor after, and carried that knowledge (or fear), with me as well.

Also, as someone posted elsewhere, I had so many crises through life- just 'bad luck', you could even say, just 'happened-to-happen", it kept me however effectively dealing with them. Providing 24 hour care, needing to work on repairs or work 21 hours/ day, etc. A blessing in the sense that the ptsd went underground. When it (re)-surfaced, well WOAH.

Mind you, I also have different resources now- my age, or more specifically a long history of personal experience at what doesn't work, this forum. Even I suspect what they say at least, perhaps, about 'feeling safer'. I wouldn't say I thought I did, exactly, though sometimes, but according to the "pro's" out there I guess I must have.

Mostly I think kindness or absence of blame has been the factor. Like you said very critically littlelostone, to try to be able to let go off 'we are to blame'. Wow, amazing perspective, in some ways.

Yes, even as simple as turning a different corner or being 5 minutes late can have a potential life-changing (or even life-saving) consequence. Kind of pretty amazing to me, that God could coordinate all those things. :)

I think everyone finds what personally helps them, or is deleterious, (not to be confused with pushing out of a comfort zone). Likely it's ok to be true to that. I can't really relate entirely to just a cognitive approach, perhaps because I've avoided a lot that way, or some things I can't verbalize. Not the absence of it, but somewhere also I have to concurrently relate to a belief God exists, because it's kind of like I'm 'knitted' with that through and through, the absence is like trying to spell a word without knowing the alphabet! :)

Hugs and love to all, thank you for your kindness and kind words. You are all very very special people. :) :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

You know- I think safenow you said it, about not asking for help, re: crisis plans, etc. Or we kind of concurred on that, etc.

But I was thinking, maybe some of it, well only speaking for myself of course, is just humility. That is, of course we don't expect anyone to help or be there, nor is it ever their responsibility (unless it's a crisis line, in the sense we expect they'd try to). But actually, hard for me to find the words but what I mean is that vulnerability, admittance things are as bad as they are or how much we can be struggling. Not that there is an expectation of where that will go, but the very act of 'trying' to reach out, at least. Perhaps sort of a vote of confidence, or a statement, that life, (even if our own life doesn't feel like it at the time) is worth it, worth fighting for. And by extrapolation logically I guess, that thoughts or feelings otherwise are a lie, or a ptsd-influenced lie. If that makes sense. A humility and acceptance, to try to even overcome the fear of reaching out. A bottoming-out, not in terms of how low we can feel, but in trying differently, trying to accept help (or admit we need it), trying to reach for life instead. Maybe to admit that after a lifetime of doing or trying otherwise, we can't do it alone or can't do it the way we've always tried.

And maybe, that just as our reactions to past terrors were required then but not useful now, our ways of managing or getting through aren't working now, either. As Abstract said, that basically "how well has that been working"?

Because I think the revealing of stuff, and the risking asking for help, can feel even worse than the worst consequences of not doing so, sometimes. But yet the consequence could be life or death. Talk about a fear, when that seems less bad than asking! :(

 

[littlelostchild]

Abstract - that is totally it - "...the revealing, risking, asking for help ... feeling worse than the worst consequences of not doing so ..." The fear - yes. Over Christmas between seeing my T (I had 2 weeks), I visited with my mom and sister. I had so much swirling in me (I was self-harming by hitting my fists on cinder blocks in the basement) and I was in so much emotional pain (I was sneaking alcohol) that I finally just told my T my story. I just said to him - I need to get this out, please do not interrupt me let me talk and say what I need to say. It was like the pain forced me to finally give in and ask for help. Dealing with it on my own was not working! It took me again getting into a dark place to give in and try trusting my T - I have been seeing him once a week for 6 months and finally I am starting to let him help me.

It is so hard to trust and accept help when we were betrayed by the people we were supposed to be able to trust, those who were supposed to protect us hurt, terrorized and ridiculed us. Being vulnerable for me is sooo scary! When I was little and vulneralbe, people hurt me - sexually, physically and emotionlally. So to protect myself, I learned not to allow myself to be vulnerable (trust, take help, accept compassion, share my real self), but now that is what is stopping me from getting well. Right now I am very selective - I am trusting my T and my H and only to degrees, but it is a step and it is helping. I know that the other way I will die. I was so close to taking my own life, that I had to tell my colleague - I always do my best at everything and I know there would be no 'attempt' there would only be a successful act. Knowing that about myself - I know that I need to be treated successfully because there is no turning back. This is life or death for me. As I read this, it sounds like I am a drama queen or something, but if you knew me you would know tha I am not at all a drama queen. I am an even tempered, pragmatic person and these are really just realistic comments.

I really hope I can get better. It really is a roller coaster. Some days seem better and some worse, but Abstract, I absolutely understand what you are saying!! A lifetime of behaviour is not easy to change, but when it's keeping us from getting better, we owe it to ourselves to give it a go. Risking and revealing is hard, but if you can find someone trusworthy to do it with, it's worth the work. YOU ARE WORTH IT! ((Abstract))