Sweet nimkekaa, thank you for saying such a thing. I'm not quite sure if I'm kind, exactly, but someone told me the same thing yesterday. I kind of fail to see it. However, that is a sweet way of looking at things. (And 'THANK YOU' ;) ).
That would be a big step, the part of "don't let anyone tell you otherwise". i mean, for me to accomplish that.
I am so sorry you relate. :( What made the dfference changing your mind, as regards your husband/ your example?
And yes, that's right, we do have different deal breakers, I never considered ptsd as not being "everyone's", that's an unusual thought.
But, I did really well, I think. Well, I was really lucky. I kind of 90% made up my mind to not go to funeral last night, but set alarm clock anyway. Slept through alarm, but I woke up after, I don't know why. Thought that's not right, funerals are for the person who has died, for them (not just surviving family). Got ready, but l was late, and lots to do before leaving (unrelated). I went out anyway and it was snowing a little- someone told me once "rain/ (snow) is a special blesing for your family"- even my dad's funeral was a blizzard (in May!). But they say 60+ degrees in a day or 2. But the bus was late also (never happens, early usually) so I made it, even had time for a cigarette before the bus came to psych up, but skipped having one when I got there even though there was that viewing, and even though my friend would 'understand' needing a ciggie. But I feel he'd 'like' me to quit. Was thinking only part I 'failed' my friend was couldn't bring myself to go to the viewing part, BUT actually I got within maybe 10-12 feet which was huge, actually. Thought it would be just horrid, but never expected the mass was so beautiful, and hopeful not depressing. And saw a few old friends, one I love especially dearly, she is so dear, realized today she reminds me so much of my mom, very gentle, forms her thoughts but keeps them usually in her heart. Said she missed me so much. She's so sweet, she rubbed my back hugging me and I recalled my mom doing that, I had totally forgotten til then. It was really nice. But, the whole thing, it was a really positive thing, I didn't melt down once. :) And, I don't know, just seemed to keep hearing 'the church is beautiful' come up, too. I thought it is, it's just the triggers that aren't.
And heard from another friend I think spouse did a lot of anticipatory grieving, seems to be ok. Everyone is different, some people can do that.
I am happy for my friend I pushed through it to try! Mostly I 'received', just because I made it as far as showng up. I've refined my understanding of ptsd somewhat though: I think reducing stress is key, but I neglected there's the sorrow and sadness part, too. I don't mean 'complicated grief', it isn't by the definitions, I mean the traumas. And also that the existence/fear on a daily basis, lies somewhere between the 'beauty' and the ptsd.
So I am happy for my friend's send off, they said ALWAYS say "so long" and NEVER "good bye". and that for him I made it, but gosh then I seemed to be the one who got the benefit, I am soooo lucky. I am sure it must be as good as when people say they've had good therapy or something. And I psyched up for triggers, the church and carpet are two (I know why), also today I realized so is the casket. And was sooooo lucky, my friend was there I didn't know would be, that knows about the ptsd and 'funeral dread' (only one), he was the one who spoke. And they played this one hymn I hate because it is a massive trigger for me, right at the very end when I thought all had gone so well, and the casket ended up 'right there' where I was at God forbid the same time, I wouldn't have sat there had I thought of that, but I couldn't get out- though for once I could 'feel' and know it was like a panic attack, well 'worse' really but includes can't get air and stuff, racing heartbeat, and horrble sorrowful frightening feeling. I thought, "On no, don't tell me, just when everything had been so positive"- but when I had the courage to look my friend was standing between it and me by chance, it took enough of the horrible feeling away to get it together. I'm not quite sure what, but it occurred to me because of it there's something big about 'fixing' this ptsd that has to involve putting something between yourself and the traumas, or triggers. It's 'defense'. Cognitively or somehow. I can't quite understand but it stops the fear. The 'fear' is the huge feeling. Terror, actually- that is the exact word.
I think that's what I do with (physical) distance, running away.
I'm so happy I didn't let myself (or ptsd) get in the way of my friend. And, funny enough, as it turned out after I left the 'hearse' ended up behind me the virtually whole way. But it wasn't "creepy" like nomal, and like it felt at the beginning, on the contrary it felt like my friend let me have a 'private' goodbye, even though I couldn't manage the 'viewing' part. He and I usually ended up having a cigarette together on our own and talking, so it kind of made me chuckle (which he would too). :)
Know this for most people would be silly or small, but for me it's nearly worthy of the 'accomplishments' section. A funeral, especialy in that particular church, is so very very very difficult for me. But as it turned out despite my dread it was so beautiful! And I didn't "zoom out" once! Plus I ACTUALLY DID IT', even if I myself didn't make that part possible. But I pushed myself and showed up.
I am so happy. I like when things work out when I don't have any control over them. Because I should have missed it. Maybe it is 'worth' more for my friend, too, because it was harder to do. :)
