Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

I've found myself in an awful position, am repeating behavoiurs I did after the original trauma- 2 specifically and almost 4 more, 2 of those 4 are almost inevtable consequences of the others, really. It's been 30 years since I've defaulted to such bad coping choices, I thought I'd never again. I don't understand, I'm not grieving, I know I shouldn't, I know they're wrecking my life, it's not an anniversary. I don't understand, I'm repeating what I did 30 years ago, and feel the same and just as bad as I did about it now as I did then, I remember feeling this way exactly.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am happy to say, not sure where that stuff came from or where it went. Except to say a faint inkling or feeling that "that-was-then, this is now", no longer my lifetyle or more specifically reality, like it was then (thank God). Well, for whatever reason inexplainable to me, it's not there, and for that I'm very thankful.

Really strangely enough, this particular day or moment in time, I really don't care about (my own) ptsd, no shame and such, no self-blame, just an absence of any thoughts about it or it's limitations or complications or of my own. Strange! :notworthy: :)

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG, unexpectedly have ended up with a second rescue dog- a puppy- supposed to be 'temporary' arrangement. Hairy little monster with a face of an ANGEL, seriously. :) :inlove: To the first dog's credit she's so good! :hug:

I am having a nap before work now, just maybe 20-30 minutes but it helps, A LOT. I have very nice people. I don't have to sit in the office waiting for assignments because it is a night shift. So far I work in the same (close) district. If I was able (or chose to, or when) to invest in another qualification I'd be paid more.

I've started to try to get back to a bit of 'me'. SI not as bad, not constant, just bad when it 'is'. Still find that if the stress increases (including not eating etc) the rest goes downhill. I can eat now without throwing up or stomach bleeding, rarely ever get that now. Sleep more through the night. The key is to not eat before work, too.

Noticed after last time I spilled my guts about the horrible thing I 'thought' I'd done, my hypervigilance went way down. Even when I wasn't feeling particularly great. So provided I remember I do the 'mirror' statement.

I heard today it's ok and 'normal' to forget a lot.

I'm trying to replace negatve thoughts where I fail or fall short with trying to be 'ok' (or ~'happy') about what is accomplished. That's kinder.

I can't really imagine accomplishing quitting smoking but I've sort of committed myself. (Though God, I'll likely end up committed. :rolleyes: :eek: ). Other than this I'm trying not to think about it.

I'm having trouble following some of the really in-depth clinical explanations on the forum, though I know they are invaluable. I seem to be kind of incapable though, kind of have to just roll with it and do the best I can. My mind seems to be insisting on keeping things so much simpler. I seem to be regressing, :p It's kind of less-stressful.

Two very kind people helped me on the forum, too. Thank you so much. :hug: :hug:

Thanks to all. :inlove: :hug: . New baby here had to have a new name, 'Pi' popped to mind- life of Pi. Because he's had quite the adventure already. Quite a surprise (he is)! :) :inlove:

 

[Whitneys story]

((((((((((Junebug)))))))))). Keep up the baby steps! Oh a little Pi should be a nice distraction and something to bring some smiles. :) :hug: Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

baby steps .. and bring some smiles

Whitney, yes, he is the sweetest little guy, looks like an embodiment of a live teddy bear. :rolleyes: :inlove: Poor thing has kennel cough though, OMG so heart-wrenching to listen to because nothing can be done for it. Hopefully it will resolve soon and not worsen. Can't imagine 'fostering' him though, it is so against my nature knowing that you can't get attached because you are supposed to give him up. :(

Yes baby steps are about all I can manage, I think.

When I look back however, I can recognize a progression of healing things or steps, I wouldn't say random but painstakingly slow process. And yet, I have tried to adopt for myself some things or practises or desires others have found useful, and they are overwhelming to me. I have to be careful saying this because I know I am tired, and that can make my thoughts go downhill. Yet, even on a good day or overlooking my life in general, I also am who I am, I will never be certain other ways, so I have to accept that too.

((((Dear Whitney))))) :hug:

 

[Whitneys story]

((((((((((Junebug)))))))))). Very good thought. We can learn from others as long as we know our capabilities. When we reach a little more than the day before, is progress!

Sleep is a very important part of life. Naps are good too. When we focus on to many things at once we can lose sight. Are you able to break down to smaller steps and work on them. Rather than compare to how much some one else is doing.

Sending you restful naps and hugs, Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

We can learn from others as long as we know our capabilities. When we reach a little more than the day before, is progress!

When we focus on to many things at once we can lose sight. Are you able to break down to smaller steps and work on them. Rather than compare to how much some one else is doing.

..restful naps and hugs

Same to you Whitney! :hug: Yes exactly, our unique capablilites, natures, priorities, circumstances. I guess that is the nature of the ptsd 'spiral', or 'peeling-the-onion' thing, too. And default to self blame, trauma-typical I suppose. Which at least I can recognize or acknowledge now, even that is progress. I think your advice is critical, and I want to return to comment more on it but just to say for now thank you! :hug:

((((((Sweet Whitney)))))), :inlove: .

 

[Whitneys story]

Junebug, the words you have written are huge! Recognize, acknowledge; I am so happy for you! Yes this is huge progress.

Please allow yourself to know you are doing the steps. Past programing repeats itself generally to each trauma. This is where I have learned to use the 5 second rule. When the Default starts, acknowledging and acting instead of reacting. When we view the feeling, recognize it is from past; and allow ourself to breath. Reminding ourself that we are in the now. The default are other people's actions our mind has accepted. We have a choice to choose our new direction. It takes time and we deserve every minute we allow ourselves to process.

I am so happy you recognize. This is huge positive action, and you deserve to celebrate! I am so pleased your occupation is kind to you as well. Our surroundings are important to our growth. Thank you so much for the hugs and love. What would we do without this wonderful forum. Huge soft hugs to celebrate. Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

Please allow yourself to know you are doing the steps. Past programing repeats itself generally to each trauma.. When the Default starts, acknowledging and acting instead of reacting. When we view the feeling, recognize it is from past; and allow ourself to breath. Reminding ourself that we are in the now. The default are other people's actions our mind has accepted. We have a choice to choose our new direction. It takes time and we deserve every minute we allow ourselves to process.

This is huge positive action, and you deserve to celebrate! I am so pleased your occupation is kind to you as well. Our surroundings are important to our growth. Thank you so much for the hugs and love. What would we do without this wonderful forum. Huge soft hugs to celebrate.

Aw Dear Whitney, thank you for such gentleness and kindness. I never thought of it as cause to celebrate! But I suppose it really is. :) Far be it from considering 'trauma' as part of my identity, I've struggled to forgive myself for it for affecting me at all. Let alone in the present.

Yes, as per environment I was thinking that has been much of the battle, against the tide whilst trying to manage the rest. I also realize I've been using up all my energy with none left for myself. I have always been one to just think or 'say' somehow "we'll" do it. But often I end up the one doing it. Sometimes that's ok, but a balance of not always doing that is necessary. Because sometimes I've asked myself, I'm doing this, or trying to, to make up for others' stuff, but then that beomes impossible, yes to be understanding but not everyone can be pleased all of the time of course, either. I know I'm explaining this badly but I must add another gallon of coffee for better results. :sleep: :coffee:

Also, off that subject but I realize much of the interaction or feedback I have with others is all good, even ultra-positive, when it's not been it's often been the opposite extreme of violent or abusive. That really is an extreme, no wonder it has had the effects it does.

Dear sweet Whitney, I hope you are well and thank you for the 'celebrate' :) :hug: :inlove: .

 

[Whitneys story]

Awe shucks, I do not think I could be anything but outstanding after reading a post like this!

I can only think of one negative thought from me! It is going back to triple digit heat. I will adjust with Granita's. Aha I knew I would find something good about the heat!

:hug: :tup: Thanks for the coffee thought! You make perfect sense. Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Whitney you ARE outstanding. I really appreciate your feedback, and there have been so many times you've encouraged me and you are always so kind and supportive of all others too. I only hope you get the same in return! :) :inlove:

Whew, I am glad it makes sense. Last night a lot came to me. Sister and bf have been fighting, yet in aother vein deciding at last minute to attend a wedding. But I can't do the impossible, with the new pup to train and supervise as well I can only stretch myself so thin. And I can't pick up pieces (consequences) of their choices and behaviours. Similarly, I have a neighbour where the mom (at the very least) is drinking too much, she and her kids had a blowout last night outside again, it reminded me both of how nuts this stuff can be (and was HUGELY triggering), and also I feel very badly that in so may ways I cannot help her kids- not sure if 1 or 2 are still minors, though I also realize they are acting out back (naturally). Even having this pup and knowing he's a foster, well better that than death row for him but I would never have willfully walked in to or committed myself to another eventual loss (givng him up). I know I'm not alone in that, a lot of people can't, and they don't necessarily have ptsd or even a history of losses. In another way, I relate to what the dogs have been through.

But this 'celebration' idea is new. :) I've spent much (probably all) of the time being ashamed of how I am. To be able to accept at some level my own slow or somewhat restricted (in my mind) progress and feel that's sort of 'ok' is a big step. Also, it is just very much 'me' to be childlike in some ways (but differentiated from childish, if that makes sense), I really don't think it has anything to do with being 'stuck' at a particular age; rather my own (sole) act of defiance or hope perhaps that despite so much having been bad in the world there is hope, or 'something'- perhaps 'hope' is not the right word? The only way I know how to be. Just also the almost only way I can reduce or tame my own fears and I don't know, it is true to me, despite everything.

((((Dear sweet Whitney)))))))), stay cool! :cool: :) Xox. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Recognize, acknowledge.. this is huge progress.

Please allow yourself to know you are doing the steps. .. When we view the feeling, recognize it is from past; and allow ourself to breath. Reminding ourself that we are in the now. The default are other people's actions our mind has accepted. We have a choice to choose our new direction.

And Whitney this is such a sweet and hopeful thing to say! I have had no capacity to imagine a future or anything 'good' happening.

I suspect it's influenced by putting the ptsd-management last, well 'management' to work etc but not 'for' myself. But being it's like a full-time job to deal with the ptsd I've felt like I've been working 3 full-time jobs. And not acknowledging what hurts or being ashamed that it does doesn't (I haven't) put it high on the priority list to address, probably last in fact. By the time I could get around to it the cycle has started again. No wonder I have a hard time feeling like I've made any progress, or I simply don't have the energy left to even deal with it or feel justified in trying to, in lieu of yet something else to manage and feeling it's my own 'fault' to be affected at all or to not be able to automatically do so.

(((Sweet Whitney)))! :) :hug: