Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Dear Whitney, I would 'like' all of your posts, but just because of the difficulty quoting I chose this:

Even harder when that person does not love their self, example your sister. She won't help herself and is dragging you down her road.

You are a survivor, we just need some tools for you to work with. You are correct you can not continue in this unhealthy environment. You deserve better.

6. Is she using the puppy as a pawn?

I agree entirely, and appreciate your words, I have never given myself 'credit' (for lack of any word) of being a 'survivor'. I realize this is what it is about, and I used to go to AlAnon (it/ my sponsor was a life-saver. With the caveat also that the focus of AlAnon is on working on what needs work in myself. And that certainly my own responses are not always considerate, balanced, non-judgmental or loving).

But you are so right. I stopped going because I was so tired, then got switched to nights. However, I recall now my sponsor going to another meeting out of the district on my current day off. Not that it has to be where my sponsor goes- there are meetings all around- and also he I think would always forgive me or welcome me if I contacted him.

The puppy - responsibilities and cost would be shared, the house is owned. However we do have one, and realistically I look at it as (now) it will be to get him ready for a new family. It's a battle I can't fight, and likely for the best anyway, realistically in terms of cost, time and attention etc. But I will try to put my foot down about going through it again. I don't think she used him as a 'pawn' proper, and woul never hurt him, but her thinking is all over the place, and has been based much on her relationship with her bf [he drinks heavily also. Ironically the drinking sort of replaced (cigarette) smoking years ago. One of my primary fears with the drinking is a)her injury or death and b) people who become violent drinking]. I think she can't believe how 'for' I now am for adopting him out. But I choose to do it (to the best of my ability) without sadness or resentment. It is also a 'pro' to own one dog, the older one is very good and was the most seriously abused they ever saw.

More specifically however, I must emotionally detach and apply what I learned/ am learning each day from AlAnon. Hard too to not console someone, but when the end result ends up becoming in short haste a target or enabling neither is good.

(((((((((Dear Whitney)))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Reviewing your answers to the questions will give you focus of what you want. And how to achieve this. You are allowed to have needs yourself. Your needs and wants are important. Your sisters actions are unacceptable, the next step is to state your case to keep the puppy for yourself.

By breaking issues down to pro and con we can determine what will bring focus for you of acting rather than reacting to others. We replace the accepting what is put on you, with what you choose.

One can also list the issues by seperating years or specific trauma. Going back to the 8 yr mark you have mentioned. Listing events of each year. Then doing the pro and con of what you see (try not to relive the experience) as you are in the now. Write the emotion of how an action by another made you feel. How you feel now and how you would change your action rather than accept others demands. We will find your voice!

This is so hugely helpful there are no possible words for it, thank you so much, Especially the last paragraph. Biggest of hugs :hug:

And that is just so incredily kind- "We will find your voice!" :) :inlove: HUGEST of :hug: 's for such a tender thing and thought to say! (((((((((Whitney))))))))))) :)

 

[Tinyflame]

.. he threw a brick at her head on the day the twin towers came down, and I left him for good. Some people do use animals to manipulate and control the person who is their target, and some do it for the 'fun' of it...watching the other person get upset. Sick.

I totally agree, too sick for words.

Definitely I think 'emotion' seems to be equated to control, or fear a lack of it is losing control perhaps?

Thank God you left him. ((((((((((Dear dear Phillipa)))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

The only place it hasn't felt disloyal but a relief to mention these (such) things was AlAnon, or to my friend because he understands a bigger picture, ie. "good person, bad disease", that the picture is rarely complete, and of course never one-sided.

 

[Whitneys story]

Junebug, :hug: X a bunch. You may respond however you like. I am on the phone most of the time so I understand the difficulty. If your on a computer are you aware of "quote me"? You highlight a selection (put the cursor at the start, press the left mouse button and drag across the part you want); when you release the mouse button a quote me box pops up. Click on the box and it starts a new post with just that portion! It is a life saver when on the computer.

You also deserve some me time. Or a treat for your hard work. Watching a sunset or reading mindless magazines. Something to destress!

Your decision about the puppy does sound like a good one. I don't believe for a minute you would not be fun for him. But they can be expensive too!

You are an outstanding sister, I do hope she wakes up. More :hug: 's. Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

Watching a sunset or.. something to destress!

Yes, I am trying. :hug: (((((((Whitney))))))

Thanks Whitney, I'll take all the help (computer as well) I can get! :) :hug: Not sure if it's the server upgrade but it seems to have helped (in terms of the speed I can type/ do actions/ characters registering).

Thank you for saying that, about being a decent sister. I realize it's a 'family illness' +/or family dynamic. Without my ptsd (included).

Just wanted to tell you also, that (you) are right, I take it for granted what my sister says is the truth (for example, the people for the dog tuesday), holding her to it however I am not sure if that was the truth.

And that reminds me, that my idea of or concept of 'family', I have not understood how it can be outside of a birth family. And yet though also, when family members are hostile or, in this case, the truth may not be there, it makes for a strange or negative connotation of family, if that makes sense.

And I had a bit of an eye-opener, not worth putting on a thread but if you see it here Whitney I'd be curious to what you think. The person I mentioned who's son is hospitalized for SI, well I was thinking how bad they felt (am sure they do), but talking further it occurred to me to throw it out there and ask, if much of the concern was as regards how he might 'act' at an important family social event of theirs, and sure enough her response was "Yes, if he had an EPISODE"..". I said, "do you mean like crying, or bolting", and she said "Yes!!". She said they told him "he could come if he 'wants'..", but not be in the wedding party.

With all due respect, I realize he might be (or is likely to be) in very bad shape, and I'm neither assuming nor judging their wants or reality. But also, I said, "So what if he does?", is that any different than a child or child-ring-bearer 'acting up', or the same with elderly relatives (possibly dementia, incontinence issues, etc). Or families who have a mentally challenged relative, or someone who is anxious/ has panic attacks? Or someone there who drinks too much, or 'family' in-fighting, or "ex's" present, and we all usually know of a 'relative' a bit 'pervy', lots of jokes made about that one. The list could go on and on. But I think her big fear is in how it 'looks', the presentation.

Not saying of course one doesn't want it to not go off smoothly/ beautifully, but isn't 'love' about loving every one of the family members, (even though we can even have ptsd, for example, too?) In fact I said, "Has anyone even asked him what HE would want?", (since SI has a lot to do with not feeling/ having a purpose, feeling it's better you WEREN'T there? And yet similarly, I have my suspicions he possibly wouldn't want to be!) I said, "I think it's encouraging to a person (all of us, especially with SI, etc), for others to point out what we CAN still do, not what we can't.

Anyway, VERY long story short, I remember saying the EXACT same thing to my friend as per my aunt's funeral- I was certain (because of triggers) I would have a meltdown- bolt especially or more accurately I understand now dissociate and bolt- not a 'scene' as in crying but God-only-knows what, and he said "SO WHAT!" And more. And I think that helped, to know it not only wouldn't be the end of the world but that as he said, something like "that was because she was such an amazing person and that was (my) way of showing it", something similar. Not that I was a 'bad' person, or it was 'horrendous'. Now, I realize that's not a wedding, but I think equally so, just for myself I would rather I had a brother who was struggling with SI be there in some capacity that was realistic- IF he wanted to be, regardless of what others' "thought" of how he 'should' be. And similarly, though I was able to get through the funeral with that and support from here, and a really kind priest who did the funeral, (and a 'rock' in my purse to ground me!), I don't think the priest would have been unkind if I had melted down, or made me feel awful about it.

What do you think Whitney? Do (some) families really not understand these things? I often hear re: SI they don't understand, but maybe really they don't? Perhaps there is a large family dynamic involved there too? And perhaps 'family' is associated with those watching each others' backs, and who really DO put an emphasis on other things as important, not just appearances, regardless of the status of those around them, or more accurately the term 'status-quo'? That perhaps accept that *all* of these things are part of the human condition, including ptsd?

Big big Hugs and Thanks Whitney! Xox :hug: :inlove: .

 

[Whitneys story]

:) Junebug, I truly feel most people have good intensions. Yet are driven by societal stigma especially with family dynamics.

Having raised my older brother (pointed out to me by a friend) who likely along with low intellect had PTSD. Our dad was embarrassed and abused him for his slowness. My brother was a genius at mechanical functions and could apply and create incredible gadgets.

I find more people will ignore the the reality and waste their time complaining , than to find time to take action and help someone.

Any human being has the right to their voice. The severely mentally challenged included. No one ever asks them. Compassion and understanding will always find truth.

Of course there are cases where some are so severely mentally damaged they are not capable of making decisions and need protection from their selves. My brother was never afforded the luxury of medical or mental health until I took him and paid for it. The parents lived in denial.

We were cultivated in the era that you do what your told, by any elder. And you believe what your told as truth. Rarely are things as they seem and therefore my ongoing quest of stepping back and viewing the facts and findings. It takes time to learn that most truths of abusers are to their benefit.

It is a real eye opener to find life as a child was directed by lies and deceit of the entire family. Grandparents too! :hug: Whitney

 

[Whitneys story]

Sorry, back from cyberspace. My most valuable lesson from quote's. "Protect me from my friends, I can protect myself from my enemies"!

The Human conditioning! Love it! Past programming, inhuman conditioning; generally created by power of others to protect themselves. I know it seems harsh but do you know anyone who would not throw you under a bus to save themself.

Hold on to the ones that are genuine. Find boundaries for those you are not sure about. Only you can walk in your shoes! JMHO you are doing the work! And it does get easier when it is shared. :) :hug: Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((Dear Whitney))))) . I am sorry you understand about such things, and for yourself and your brother. :( :cry: This is so wrong. :(

Yes I had a guy I know who appears homeless, most others fear him mostly I think- and I did on one occassion (he has some form of mental illness), but he gave me a (true) hug out of the blue the other day- his idea, first time after knowing him for years (and he's the type to avoid contact- for good reasons, considering how they view him sometimes!). I felt happy about it, honored, really. I don't care what others' think, if they are negative that's their problem.

I guess what I doubt about a voice is why bother trying if it goes unheard.

I would hope to get under the bus if need be. Ironically my sister did that for strangers once, risked her own life instead though she could have avoided all of it. But ya, most people it's a bother, and that's hardly life-or-death scenarios. I guess they mean well though, or simply don't mean 'badly'. I suppose if a person is not against (us), at some level they are 'for' us then. I find myself wondering, but I guess it doesn't really matter. I imagine when it's true there is no doubt.

((((((Sweetest Whitney! :inlove: )))))), xoxox :hug: .

 

[Whitneys story]

:) I thought I had lost my mind. I was trying to find this thread and ran across your other one. Which has none of my posts.

I am sorry to read not much has changed. I will pop over to the other thread and catch up. It has been a strange week everywhere. I have missed you! Hugs, Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

Whitney, that is great kindness and sacrifice to sludge through this! :hug: Missed you too and always hope you are doing ok, please talk about anything you feel/ need, wish you would if you need to, hope you will! (((((((Super big hug))))))) :hug:

 

[Whitneys story]

Junebug, You are so sweet and compassionate! I will remember your offer if the need arises. We never know what may arise. I will take a rain check, thank you! :inlove: n :hug: Whitney