Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Well I do understand pain can come out in violent ways or expressions. :( To be honest, sister's (ex)bf has acted out-right-crazy since May, in anticipation of his retirement. He is still doing the weirdest things- asked her to get together to talk, then said there was nothing to talk about. Says they don't do anything together, and then says she'll just get mad if he says he's working on other projects. Asked her on a 'date', then ran her down the whole time- she said it was 2nd worst date in her life, ever. Then he texted her after, she said to not call her again, he sent back 'you love me and sweet dreams my baby and will call you friday maybe to make plans for saturday'. Huh??! :confused: Last week he texted her 'you never loved me'. Without going in to more details he has been acting bizarre. But she is still hit by much sorrow. :(

I don't know what to make of it, really. But I am also sad for her/ them as it has been 7 years. I am also wearing down and stressed because of the lack of a peaceful or prectictable environment, and the time alone and peace and security that helps. And though it is not my business or responsibilty I feel badly for her. :cry: Though now she says she is going to quit her job today. :( Rage agin, and despair. :(

Figured this stuff at work is like intense exposure therapy, sort of. Oye. :( Right now just trying to get through each day and really hoping schedule changes, hopefully asap, as regards this (it is removed), or that I can last and make it through while it isn't.

They scheduled me for a scan next tuesday at almost 10 p.m. I didn't expect it so fast, late night seems weird? Got it switched to friday though, won't miss any work and won't need to get home from far side of city nearer midnight. Maybe I can just say "Thinking about it, I've had injuries in the past" (if I must)?. That would not be a lie. At least am fortunate scans/tests are free here, though I don't want to go and don't feel I need the tests. (Definitely don't need/ want to get in to my history. :( )

Thanks to all.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,

I am glad you have an appointment. I know how impossible it is believe me but I truly hope you manage to tell the dr the truth. They need to know to help you properly. Loads of people have these things in the past and many in the medical profession. We are no different.

I am assuming it is injury from your previous suicide attempt. Apologies for being direct. I don't know what issue it is but all relevant information is important for your dr to know. It doesn't mean they have any information on your present either. Its almost always our own judgements that we are projecting onto others.

Good luck for Friday and sorry about the home situation.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @Abstract , no apologies necessary, good to be direct. No, the attempt part would likely be discovered with tests of another part of me (but I am hugely thankful as my big problem there seemed to heal on it's own), this one more injuries/ self harm. I know you are right but I just can't tell this stranger, nice person but no rapport, or history. In fact, not knowing me at all I just feel she would draw the conclusion I'm a 'fruitcake'. But really, I just can't go there. Even similarly, my sister just said the other day "you're just using it as an excuse to go (friday)- nothing wrong with you". It makes me want to call up and cancel, because it is a huge trigger back to being in the hospital after the actual attempts, which I viewed as nothing wrong with me (though I found out last year that the effects afterward of the way I opted for can spontaneously kill a person for about a month after).

Yuck, the whole thing gives me the creeps and shame. :( It's like some awful thing dead 30 years ago has come back to life. :( I would rather leave it behind and bury it. In a proper way, even my own self-deprecation or abuse about it does me no good. I am thankful to say that. Not sure if it's entirely the same as 'forgiving one's self' as regards it, but I don't know, it's hard to remember feeling that desperate, it is not something I can speak about out of the context.

Thank you, re: home. So tenuous. Such a mess.

Oddly enough, my life can be falling apart and yet there are moments I feel peace, or just good. It doesn't make sense but is far more tolerable than fear or pressure or worry or sadness/ despair. Yet I often wonder too, I know one cannot make happiness (or be responsible for the happiness) of another, but I think of my sister and wonder/ worry about (even the near immediate) future. How badly things could go in a heartbeat. I try to stay in the moment though, and hang in there/ hope something improves. There are things I wish she and I could reconcile, too, as I have blame to shoulder. Though she believes I have unforgiveable blame.

 

[Mercy]

Unforgivable Blame???? Only God is in a position to assess that. The truth from Him is total love not blame,never blame or shame.

Reconciliation is only possible to the degree to which the other person is willing/able to be reconciled. By saying that, she is basically saying she will not reconcile. That is not your fault at all.

I hope that this miserable situation clears up.
I was surprised to discover that there is such a thing as inner peace where there is no conflict. Wow.
((((((((((((prayers and warm blankets for Junebug)))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Mercy, thanks. One thing I can do is to make ammends, be truly sorry where it is due, of course (authenticity), but that's about it. Other than trying to not repeat it. What else I do not know. I think also however, mutual understanding, forgiveness and boundaries, well, that is life or relationships really. I know she is not feeling well, either.

Hugs Dear Mercy.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Wow, Junebug. I'm sorry your sis is so unhealthy. Every criticism she says of you she really feels about herself…it's all projection.

Our destroyed relationship with our siblings feels worse, I think, the older we get. Once we see what other people 'got' with siblings growing up in healthy families, we see just what has been stolen from us.

It's wonderful you're able to have compassion for her suffering. Just, put your needs first, always. Her problems are not your fault, nor are her choices.
If she holds blame in her heart that's up to her to carry that borden in her daypack. When someone is mad at us, that is a burden on them, but as long as we've attempted our amends, we don't need to put that in your daypack on our journey today.
((((((((Junebug))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Thank you, Dear @BloomInWinter , that is right. And really, the compassion is understanding my own failings, or what I've gone through, or where I fall short. I mean, how can one blame another when I have been guilty of the same, or can understand some of it? Boundaries, but it's not really 'blame', if that makes sense?

Thankfully, for now it's a bit more peaceful, and we have tried to apologize to each other. Work situation (hers and mine) difficult, but freeing up energy to deal with it won't hurt.

I wish by some miracle we could both find fields that were less stress-inducing and did not involve dealing with as much abusive behaviour, etc. It takes a toll, and really I don't think is good for the heart or psyche.

Thank you for your kind, sane words and reminder. :hug: (((((((((((Dearest, dearest Bloom)))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Oye, I made it to the Dr (test) despite nearly self-sabotaging myself, despite knowing they need 24 hour cancellation notice. I realize I do that (self-sabotage) too sometimes even for 'good' things. I probably accomplished something in just getting it done. It was horrible to be in that hospital, where my aunt died as well. And I hate hospitals (big trigger).

I realize, as regards my aunt or many other things, my memory for 'feeling' and time is screwed up. Things 5 years ago 'feel' like 2 or 3 months (noticed that on sunday/ monday), some things last week feel like 3 years ago. Oye. It's strange. :(

My sister's ex-bf apologized, said it was his fault and he would 'make it right', then a couple of days later when she didn't phone him back he got angry again and lit in to her last night- 'off' again, she says for good. Selfishly I really miss my peaceful time alone, as they were out of town a lot.

Was thinking as regards sister or posting, more accurate to say also as I have been forgiven when I didn't warrant it, (and that is very freeing), I guess I know the power of it and want to do the same (should do the same too). So boundaries, forgiveness, communication and working on myself. Realizing I don't know her heart heart or what the future holds, or the depth of anyone's pain or reasons.

Work getting worse, putting the client back monday whose family member was violent to me months ago, and have one impossible client as is, and a schedule of hours of work with no break, very late. One half hour break will dive-bomb as of monday too. However, I've come to the conclusion the real only way to solve the work dilemmas is finding a new job. Whether I can get the means and do so I dont know. I feel exhausted.

However, I also realize, for some years now if ptsd has changed me it has made me appreciate, and need, much more peace and calm. In the way people need lower volume for sensitive ears. And to realize I'm very sensitive to my environment, who's around me, and who and what is going on in my life. Plus I just have a 'rawness' when it comes to more sadness, negativity, etc, feels like a lack of (capable) tolerance of it, or a weight on my chest when surrounded in it or reminded of it. :(

In some ways I really need to deviate from 'conventional' forms of therapy, I can't entirely tolerate them. Somewhere Anthony said get the worst over with as quick as possible. Some of that happened to me- I wasn't prepared- but in the long run since I survived it there is a benefit, somewhat.

I hope to try to just keep going with some faith one day at a time. Yesterday did me in, however. :( I would never choose to go through that again.

I have to play catch up missing the time, I hope I can get much done today despite it, as it's simply necessary. Even if it's not my business, I wish my sister and her ex would reconcile. If nothing else life is too short for not interjecting joy when one can if it's possible.

Hugs to all, xox. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

and need, much more peace and calm. In the way people need lower volume for sensitive ears. And to realize I'm very sensitive to my environment, who's around me, and who and what is going on in my life. Plus I just have a 'rawness' when it comes to more sadness, negativity, etc, feels like a lack of (capable) tolerance of it, or a weight on my chest when surrounded in it or reminded of it.

Yes!

I made it to the Dr (test)

Well done! :tup:

Things 5 years ago 'feel' like 2 or 3 months

Sounds like you were dissociated Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sounds like you were dissociated..

Dear @Abstract , I don't understand, do you mean I 'dissociated' 5 years ago when the memory occurred, so the recall now is skewed, or do you mean I was dissociated when I recalled it and that's why it feels recent? I seemed to be 'present'? :confused: I find the 'feeling' associated with recall 'off' a lot in terms of proper length of time or chronology.

I sometimes think that is why making sense of things and trust can be hard, too, I can't remember memories I should at the times I should. Something gets all befuddled with the memories, or in this case the memories and 'feeling', or more specifically the 'time' of them. In this case then the memory feeling 'recent' makes me feel like it's just occurred. Ugh does that make sense? I just can't find the words today to explain it. :confused: :rolleyes:

Thank you, dear Abstract, I have been wondering how your test went?

Big big hugs. :hug: :inlove:

PS, at least my Christmas cactus has been blooming for a week, all red this year. :) Today it is snowing and blowing! XOX. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know how to get through this work schedule each day, even concentrating on just the day, but can't afford not too be working, to try to find new reliable work while fulfilling the obligations I have. The scedule is 2 to near midnight, some miserable people, some violent ones, some physically painful calls, 80 hours invested (required) to get 2/3rd's that iin pay. No sick days or (paid) vacation here to use to try to find other work. By the time I get to a day off I'm too tired to pull myself together. I absolutely cannot afford to be off work, but all I can do (can't really, but am) to get through each day. SI's pull is only because of it, not like before. The company basically says if you don't like it leave.

 

[The Albatross]

Break it up into smaller pieces and see what you can do to increase your ability to "have something left over" at the end of the shifts. Sometimes I use economy, sometimes I schedule in additional self care before the shifts.

Added, sometimes the success for me is dealing with things on a one for one basis without letting them build up cumulatively. I am not quite as emotionally vested on my interactions with others as I used to be. By necessity. I try to keep a bubble between my internal landscape and the situations and people I deal with. It benefits me because I navigate each hurdle separately, it benefits others, because I don't build up stress. I benefit at the end of the day because most often I have "something left over" to do my self care.