Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Very wise words @The Albatross , thank you. I was just thinking, as per physical investment (not even emotional) I must cut some corners, reduce a bit per person, not because I want to but out of necessity. I find it difficult in practise though, I default to all or nothing. But exactly, yes, I have virtually nothing left at the end of the day, or start the day feeling that way before I have begun.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,
One presentation of dissociation is a distortion of time. Fast, slow, time and space in general.... May not be of course!

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Abstract, yes have had that on some occassions, but I think rare- a near-death/injury happening, one or 2 close car accidents you can see coming but do nothing more to prevent, etc.

This is a bit different. On one hand, it may be like for example I know someone has lost a family member or spouse a few years ago. But all of a sudden it 'feels' like I just heard the news.

Or on a cognitive level, for example with trust, I will think well I've known someone for 2 years. Then I think, no, it's many more. Simply like I 'don't recall' the past, it 'feels' short. But I think that may be the mind's way of trying to avoid trust, etc.

Does that make sense? :confused: I don't know what causes the first, especially. It seems to get all mixed up, emotions, memories, feelings. No wonder it's hard to make sense of it, information seems to get forgotten. Yikes I can't explain it better and it sounds silly. Except I really have to make ways to remind myself or cue myself ('remember'). Maybe (hyper)vigilance interferes with it.

(((((((((((Abstract)))))))))

 

[Abstract]

Think of deja vu Junebug. Or Jamias vu. Does it seem a little like these at all? They are types if dissociation. For example another one is looking at something in your hand and not "reconsigning" it. Or "waking up" (not asleep) and thinking a week has gone past but with a surreal and Alice in wonderland feeling about it. Not explaining that terribly well.

If you have had a traumatic reaction to something (misstored in brain) then part of it could be re living.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. a week has gone past but with a surreal and Alice in wonderland feeling about it.

If you have had a traumatic reaction to something (misstored in brain) then part of it could be re living.

Dear @Abstract , a bit like that. I think there's something to what you said in the last part. Thank you.

Yes it is very hard to explain! :hug:

I don't think it's (~dissociation?) my primary problem, though a few times it's been troublesome (frightening), perhaps it's even just caused (as far as being 'unaware' of things like pain, hunger, the 'moment')- just from perpetual disregard of such, long-term, or attention on other things (what I meant by vigilance).

I heard today 'people (we love/ have loved) are precious". Then saw something from Bernie Siegel (MD) that said 'we would save a lot on therapy to really 'hear' each other (listen), and see each other as the precious creations we are'. He quoted, " If you really want to understand me, please hear what I am not saying, what I may never be able to say. "- Anonymous.

But he had a very good article too, in something called Mind and Heart Matters, I think, called "To Life".

I think, from what I heard today, in retrospect what I did in the past, was give up. Just other terms came to me to describe it (what was happening, or how I felt). Seems obvious, but it is new information to me! :rolleyes: :) Really the core issue or fact however.

((((((((Dear Abstract))))))) :hug: :inlove: :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, I guess I am learning more each day. I came to this because I feel crappy today, is a sad day (anniversary), though even a worse one tomorrow, but stuff that has happened has gotten me thinking.

Bumped in to old friends from work who work in one of the buildings I do, they said they couldn't believe the schedule I have, which made me feel not so bad or incompetent that 'all' or most people would find it the same. I cannot change much without going to HR, picking my moment if I can't take it any more. Getting new supervisor/ scheduler in spring. I also (apparently) am almost the only one accomplishing heavy calls, so again I didn't take it as quite the same reflection on myself.

Today my mom (many years ago) went to the Dr for spontaneous presentation of Arthritis in her knees, came out with a terminal diagnosis of No Time Left ('you should have died 10 years ago"- identical words as for my dad). I still had 'hope' (sic) that it would be ok, but they repeated her x-ray at the time and she knew, sure enough it was confirmed the 8th (next day). Somehow I thought being 'that day', it would be 'ok'. Silly me. :( It didn't cause ptsd, but when she died it unearthed much. Also battling one initial Dr who lied about her test results, the other Dr's confirmed he outright lied. She had 43 or 44 tests and they did zero for her, one antibiotic it took us a week to fight for, and not even pain killers (eventually Tylenol 3). One Dr was a REAL angel though, and he is one that's world reknowned, yet was so humble and sweet (above competent). I will love him forever. :inlove:

Anyway, I know that in terms of SI, that is part of why I am so ashamed: she was so brave, I am not; she fought to live, I fight something the opposite. The people (clients) at work are nice (many are, just a few who I dread), but despite their ages the way they talk is so opposite, they take so much for granted, and complain so much. Also, I have to admit I AM very kind, and in some way they just devour me in (their) process. I am going to try to make that 'emotional bubble' The Albatross said. Christmas seems to bring out the worst in their behaviours and anger. I am so relieved when I can just be around kind people and be 'me'.

On a happy note, my sister and her bf (touch wood) have been more sensible, today I have peace of being on my own, this weekend and Christmas (time/Day) perhaps too. I am so lucky Christmas Day lands on my day off! Otherwise I would have had to work because of retirements/those quitting/ vacations. Yay. :) I don't care if I eat Kraft dinner, that is sooo good to be off. :)

Irregardless of work, I am thankful to be working, and thankful for other stuff too, but also really thankful for the realization too that the 'me' that is 'me' is just that- perhaps pathologically 'soft' (in the head?, :eek: , lol), but it's just me, I can only change so much and ultimately it's like trying to hold a beach-ball under the water, it just pops up.

I managed much of the Dr's requirements, she 'forgot' a lot (did not do bloodwork, 'forgot' to use freezing (local anaesthetic) at one point, etc- I didn't think to 'say' anything, even when the test itself was excrutiating- only painful on one side not the other, but that's my fault, I didn't 'think' to say anything), but anyway preliminary tests of one area didn't show any tumours, so I am (very) lucky. Of course, my fault I didn't disclose a lot (not intentionally), and was told I HAVE TO quit smoking, she thinks it's from the smoking, I know it's that and past 'facts' (physical trauma/ damage- my fault), but in another regard I'm kind of glad I got away from her as a Dr.

Irregradless of that as well, I would like to leave the shame part of that stuff behind. I realize it is the past, and frankly I was just devastated/ crushed/ broken girl. The ptsd (and what followed) wasn't my fault (choice). Neither were many of the intial details/ happenings/circumstances/ 'stuff'.

I guess it's a 'big thing' to say that(?).

I accomplished a Huge thing to get there. Thank you to everyone for all the support/ prayers, etc., xoxoxoxox. :inlove:

Hugs to all, Peace and Blessings, xox. :hug:

 

[Mercy]

Irregradless of that as well, I would like to leave the shame part of that stuff behind. I realize it is the past, and frankly I was just devastated/ crushed/ broken girl. The ptsd (and what followed) wasn't my fault (choice). Neither were many of the intial details/ happenings/circumstances/ 'stuff'.

Yes, Junebug. That is a very big thing to say and truely know. None of what caused the PTSD could possibly been your choice.

You have also made a great leap of self acceptance and recognition of what was true. You were a devastated/crushed/broken girl.
Now you are you, accepted just the way you are.
:hug::inlove::wacky:

I honor your great work of coming fully into the present.
:tup::hug::hilarious:

 

[ms spock]

Yes, Junebug. That is a very big thing to say and truely know. None of what caused the PTSD could possibly been your choice.

You have also made a great leap of self acceptance and recognition of what was true. You were a devastated/crushed/broken girl.
Now you are you, accepted just the way you are.

I honor your great work of coming fully into the present.

This is great insight Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Thank you @Mercy and @Ms Spock , haha Mercy yes " (the new?) me"- :confused: :eek::p ( ohoh! :) ). Big hugs to you both :hug: .

I guess it is 'being present'.

Even some less-than-ideal coping attempts were just that.

Though despite hard work as I've tried, more a gift from above, and people in the real world and here to thank for it. :) :hug:

Hey I've seen 2 sets of 'wise men' and in each one it looks like 2 men plus a woman. :) :p

 

[Tinyflame]

@Ms Spock , look at what I accidentally found about 'home' (and feeling safe):

"Real love is always a coming home, it is not a place we deserve or earn, it is coming to a place where you sense others will love you without necessarily being impressed with you. Thus real love is always experienced as a security, a safe place, a safe harbor which we sail into. It is a place of rest...Conversely.. places of insecurity, of deep restlessness (are) ..places which we have to earn, places where we have to perform and impress and from which, ultimately, we go home....Real love and friendship are home--you do not go home from them! " Ron Rolheiser

(((((((((Dear Ms Spock))))))))))

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for the hugs Junebug! Much appreciated.

That is a lovely quote, may I ask were you got it? I would love to put that in my diary.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear @Ms Spock , many more hugs for you! :) :hug:

Surely, it came from a book called "Forgotten Among the Lilies" by Ron Rolheiser.

Oddly enough, many years ago, in the summer or early fall of 2006, I was just desperate, and worn out, and terrified, even my dog had died, sitting on a rock in the middle of the night in a garden of mine surrounded by lilies, everything bloomed late that year by about 1 month. A few years later I read the book. I can't remember it, actually (specifics), but it was good, and so was "The Holy Longing" by the same author (I liked that one even better).

Hey!!! Isn't this just too cool- after 'wiping out' (fell on ice) 3 times at work (haha - 'good day' :( ), I looked up (outside at work at very end of night) and thought OMG- there goes a deer! (adult). I said "OMG, you are so beautiful", and it stopped, waited for me- didn't run away- and it had a baby with it. But get this, it STOPPED, and let me come up to both of them, I stayed (on purpose) on the other side of the chainlink fence, though there is an opening (it's a garden in the back). And they have ears BIG like my sweet dog. :) :inlove: (HUGE hee :) ). And (my dog) puts them sideways when she is cold like they do :) . (It's minus 3,000 degrees here :eek: ) Everyone says they run away but they didn't from me. Holy, are they BIG, and so sweet and beautiful! And imagine, even with a baby there didn't run. I always swore working this night shift would be worth it if I saw a deer. :)

Oh wow. Isn't that just so neat! :cool: :tup:

Hugs for you. :hug: