Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

I realized something recently, this SI business isn't just from emotional flashbacks, I think it's because if you are (I am) trying so hard to make any progress, and stay emotionally afloat, and analyze my thinking, and keep a good attitude (Christmas included), it's as though when even something small scratches the surface that veneer of paint comes off and the pain and tiredness is all there and exposed and raw.

Granted I've had a migraine since thursday that Tylenol won't stop, I think it's my neck/ shoulders from work, and I'm just about ready to be in tears at the thought of facing even the same first call of my shift tonight (and I'm not a 'crier'), and I realize Christmas can pack emotional punches, so to speak, but I do think it's because (muchly) in my heart of hearts it doesn't take much to strip away the attempts at not feeling the painfulness. Like on sunday I made a mistake- not a large one, in short haste I felt quite suicidal. This is not rare. Even at the moment, I asked myself, "Is it because of people-pleasing, or past criticism, or something from childhood?", etc, and I thought "not really". It's just the pain sits too close to the surface, it seems it doesn't take much for it to discourage me that it's too much, like walking on a tightrope, though that's not visible to others. Don't know if that makes sense (probably not quite :confused: ).

 

[ms spock]

I realized something recently, this SI business isn't just from emotional flashbacks, I think it's because if you are (I am) trying so hard to make any progress, and stay emotionally afloat, and analyze my thinking, and keep a good attitude (Christmas included), it's as though when even something small scratches the surface that veneer of paint comes off and the pain and tiredness is all there and exposed and raw.

Like on sunday I made a mistake- not a large one, in short haste I felt quite suicidal. This is not rare. Even at the moment, I asked myself, "Is it because of people-pleasing, or past criticism, or something from childhood?", etc, and I thought "not really". It's just the pain sits too close to the surface, it seems it doesn't take much for it to discourage me that it's too much, like walking on a tightrope, though that's not visible to others. Don't know if that makes sense (probably not quite :confused: ).

It makes a lot of sense. It really does. Thanks for sharing that because the SI is quite prominent. Knowing someone else has the same thing is quite comforting for me, (and not for you of course.)

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw, @Ms Spock , I'm sorry you have it too but am certainly glad if sharing it can bring a degree of comfort, that I would not have thought it could do!

I asked myself today, is it because the other (trying to be/look 'fine') is a mask? I don't think so entirely, although I wonder if a certain sadness will always be impossible to shake. I do however think it all seems to take so much work, the ptsd containment, the energy, work, the attempts at overcoming what is probably past associations to things like Christmas, family etc that perhaps that aren't entirely recognized or understood. I know many times it takes so much energy I feel like scrapping the whole thing.

I suppose, too, SI can involve a real amount of self-hatred. We (I) would never consider treating or thinking of others in that way as I do in regards to myself.

Gentle hugs if that's ok, (((((((((((Dear Ms Spock))))))))). :hug:

 

[ms spock]

@Junebug Thanks Junebug

Aw, @Ms Spock, I'm sorry you have it too but am certainly glad if sharing it can bring a degree of comfort, that I would not have thought it could do!

It does make a difference.

I asked myself today, is it because the other (trying to be/look 'fine') is a mask? I don't think so entirely, although I wonder if a certain sadness will always be impossible to shake. I do however think it all seems to take so much work, the ptsd containment, the energy, work, the attempts at overcoming what is probably past associations to things like Christmas, family that perhaps that aren't entirely recognized or understood. I know many times it takes so much energy I feel like scrapping the whole thing.

Understandably so.

I suppose, too, SI can involve a real amount of self-hatred. We (I) would never consider treating or thinking of others in that way as I do in regards to myself.

We wouldn't.

Gentle hugs if that's ok, (((((((((((Dear Ms Spock))))))))). :hug:

Thanks for those hugs and right back at you.

 

[Tinyflame]

They said somewhere in another thread about anger/ the build-up through the day/weeks. Maybe this is the same sort of thing @Ms Spock ? It's in Mytai's "An Especially Difficult Night". :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

You know, I'm almost really leery to say this, but every time SI pops up so does this guy who offered me a ride way out of town (if I wanted, I know him) for 'time away' (he thinks. I've told him nothing whatsoever). This is the 2nd or 3rd time it coincided. Creeps me out, actually. :( Sort of like, if you want an opportunity here it is, thing. Especially when something 'good' or nice (the opposite) occurs.

I think S(I) (for me, certainly not condemning anyone) is a twisted and wrong thing. It's so the opposite to what is 'right' or what makes me actually feel better or seems 'good'. It's like I know it's something wrong, albeit it is in a (Big) disguise. When it's not so disguised it's creepy/oppressive.

Although I have to say, took my dog for a short run tonight- it is horribly cold, but the moon looks like I've never seen it before, it has a rim of dark blue/ black around it (the color of the night) then a white aura, and a distict orange rim (outline) around that. It makes me feel better. It's pretty awesome. It feels like what is there is a lot bigger than me and that makes me feel better too.

 

[ms spock]

They said somewhere in another thread about anger/ the build-up through the day/weeks. Maybe this is same sort of thing @Ms Spock ? It's in Mytai's "An Especially Difficult Night". :hug:

I read the thread but couldn't quite see what you are saying but then I am pretty anxious now. So I will try again later on. Thanks for pointing me in the direction.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Ms Spock , my fault for not being clear, I remember it was about physical pain also, 'Helen B's" post in that thread, that by the time one bumps their toe the rest (all) comes out (emotional and physical).

((((((Dear Ms Spock))))))), xox.

 

[ms spock]

I remember it was about physical pain also, 'Helen B's" post in that thread, that by the time one bumps their toe the rest (all) comes out (emotional and physical).

(((((((Dear Junebug))))))))

@Junebug

Oh I do understand now Junebug. Thanks.

 

[ms spock]

Hope you okay today Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Ms Spock , same for you. :hug:

You know, I think SI has a lot to so with a pain-ratio sort of thing.

For example, I've thought a lot about posting this thread originally, and p-no and others saying about radical acceptance. But (which) I've tried to do. Not only with this situation, but virtually my whole life, but ptsd just seems the end result. Yes, I am 'here', but I do not feel like a survivor, just someone wishing one day the need or circumstances for radical acceptance would come to an end. SI just seems to be the equivalent of becoming tired of fighting, and painfulness.

 

[Abstract]

radical acceptance. But (which) I've tried to do. Not only with this situation, but virtually my whole life, but ptsd just seems the end result.

I think its really important to look at what radical acceptance is and not mix it up with other things Junebug.

Radical acceptance isn't a version of "this is my lot so let me accept it". It is a dialectical concept. It is a peace with the reality of the present whilst getting the correct treatment for change and healing.

How to tell the difference? Be careful you don't confuse hopelessness, despair and giving up with radical acceptance. Radical acceptance comes with hope, peace and a lifting of the spirits as well as energy and motivation to move forwards and change. Hopelessness and giving up is about staying stationary and staying in the pain but accepting that is the way it will remain. Often it is motivated by not wanting to risk hoping things will get better and then them not.

In all your full life you have never even had appropriate therapy of any type, or had any sharing or support with stressors and traumas until just a few months ago. I think it's very important for you not to feel you have done all you can your whole life and that this is where you find yourself as a result and will remain.

It's rather a matter of not sharing anything with anyone, not knowing how to find appropriate support (trusting people who are untrustworthy such as your sister which has re injured you) and hiding your situation your whole life without any proper treatment or support and here you find yourself with PTSD and suffering.

A little tough love coming over to you Junebug. ;):inlove: