Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[ms spock]

Hugs to you Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Ms Spock , same to you. :hug: :hug: :hug: ! :)

Am just thinking, or maybe it's better said as recognizing, that for me anyway to get to other stuff maybe I have to start somewhere else. I realize the above isn't the ('a') 'normal' solution maybe (everyone just says CBT/DBT etc, I try to do that), but it's one that helps me (is suited for me/ makes sense/ helps me feel better).

 

[Tinyflame]

I am tentatively hopeful that I may be able to get back to where and how I was and felt several years ago. I thought I was too far gone, a lost cause, and how one can never return to 'normal' (though that was by no means pre-ptsd). I couldn't remember 'how' to, nor seemingly get organized enough to do so? I couldn't recognize how to make a 'program' or ordered set to do so. But I don't exactly need to, just a few things, baby steps completed, I think. And ones that are a tad unconventional, compared to normal therapy. But it seems to me, the issues, though different, well, the ptsd is the same (as in will be there), I am still 'me' (at my core), and what was helpful is still as core and critical and effective.

Also the last few years have all seemed 'jumbled' in terms of time, like not a long time but a short time.

So I'm hoping, though the circumstances are different, the principles and 'practises' remain the same. Because I realize I'm ultimately still who I was and what helped then helps (still) now (thankfully). :notworthy: I even thought of one 'new' thing that I am excited to try to incorporate, see if it will contribute in a good way. :wideeyed: :tup: :)

 

[ms spock]

That distorted PTSD/depressive thinking of being too far gone, a lost cause and never feeling that you will return to your normal is quite insidious when you are within it.

You have to be proud of your resilience Junebug!

Looking forward to further progress reports Junebug!

You can look yourself in the mirror with some sense of accomplishment and pride today. Always good to praise and reward yourself with some attention and positive reinforcement.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw thanks @Ms Spock . :hug: I'm starting to do that positive affirmation-like one I did before.

Was really fortunate, got some good news today in a way about my expected supervisor change comng up, have worked with the new one for about 3 years, years ago. That reduces some stress. Felt 'down' after going to a verbally-abusive client at night, but this one is almost always that way, so I won't let it get me down if I can help it.

Funny to think of it as 'progress', but I think so (hope so). :) For all of us. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's awfully hard to ask for help. Or admit when things nose-dive. I think too because it doesn't seem there is any imaginable solution to ask for, so I wonder what I'm doing? Why am I exposing it, why am I yapping, why do I burden anybody, why am I making a big deal about it, what do I expect to accomplish, if nothing is possible? :(

I don't really understand, if one is supposed to speak up, or if it is best to not do that. I guess I have a hard time speaking up because I don't know the answer to that.

I need a handbook. :( :depressed::alien:

 

[ms spock]

A handbook would be good @Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Ms Spock , oh my. :(

I was thinking of what, or 'why'?, I was happy and felt hopeful before, even when circumstances were horrendous. I think part was gratitude, part was routine, part was doing things despite how I felt, part was offering it up, part was not keeping it to myself mostly. Idk really. I have to start there again, at least if I want to get to a better place. I hope I'm not too far gone. :(

But I was thinking, got/gave a bear hug from my 'new' ('old') boss, as well as the one leaving. Of course, I'm always thankful to be working.

I listened to what was said about 'doing something gentle for yourself' , just despite it I forgot. But remembered when my co-workers treated me to dinner. Thought it happened anyway!

Oddly 'Christmas' keeps popping up? A person down the street had their (cool :) :cool: ) outdoor Christmas lights on that play charols. I think I found a Christmas card last week out of the blue, someone wished me "Merry Christmas!" (it snowed!), and someone else said "9 months to Christmas" last week. Strange. :wideeyed::O_o::joyful: Come to think of it, at the worst times I would try to make it to dates like that. I should be very thankful that is not a daily occurrence for me since a little while. :notworthy:

I was thinking too of the disparity of how others describe me, to what I seem to 'be'. Also strange.

I am learning something though, what a forum member did, go to the hospital- was thinking I somewhere don't think of the option of changing my mind when I get too far gone. :unsure: It's like even the fact of thinking of it causes a lot of shame and it seems harder to 'go back'. Not just as per SI, but a lot of things. Plus that member is braver than me, to ask for help and manage it matter-of-factly.

I was thinking of another member's post too, about it's different or difficult to be single, or a single mom. She said even in church. But I thought how funny, the most well-known single person in the Bible was probably 'Jesus'. :wideeyed: :joyful: That made me kind of laugh actually, because I 'heard it' (not in those words). But seriously, was thinking He didn't have a 'home', exactly (so they say).

So needless to say I was present in body at work but not much else, my mind went travelling. :laugh:

(((((((Dear Ms Spock))))))), xox, thank you. (I still think of your horse example. :notworthy: :hug: )

Dear Ms Spock, PS- have read and think you're doing Absolutely Great. :) :tup: Thank you for sharing your wisdom, the struggles too. :hug: Meeting people such as you is probably the best part of ptsd.

 

[ms spock]

(((((((Dear Ms Spock))))))), xox, thank you. (I still think of your horse example. :notworthy: :hug: )

Dear Ms Spock, PS- have read and think you're doing Absolutely Great. :) :tup: Thank you for sharing your wisdom, the struggles too. :hug: Meeting people such as you is probably the best part of ptsd.

Hugs right back at you Junebug.

Is the horse example one of not beating the horse when it is down?

I don't know if I am doing so great. It is really hard to be present in this now. I check out a fair bit. But anyhow I do appreciate meeting people here and I truly do value hearing peoples struggles, wisdom and growth.

Your words are most kind and I do appreciate them.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I am very thankful, and grateful-in-a-really-tired way, have a 'new' supervisor/ Scheduler at work. This year I put in for 3/4's of my vacation days (thus far) by the initial deadline, I haven't used much in the past (though we can't bank them), and I literally got approved today for all of them. Unheard of as even a single day they usually say they cannot find a replacement. They have a pretty strange way of calculating them, certain number of indivual days, group of 4, week-long increments. But I even was approved for Christmas off next year. :wideeyed:

I was thinking that normal breaks can't hurt, in terms of managing 'stuff'. I haven't afforded them for myself in the past 20 years, really, except for necessities. And working one less day/ week since the night shift I really felt even less 'entitled'.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking about like what @Ms Spock had said in the other thread on SI, that it's important to be a source of hope (hopefully) etc for others, be aware of what is said publically. I thought I usually am aware of those who are vulnerable, such as those who need protection- in terms of protecting them I mean, to try to do that or defend them (of course). But I guess having SI makes one vulnerable too, in a certain way. I never thought of myself in those terms. Because we (I) can be heavily influenced (negative or positive) by what others say, too. Sort of like if someone said it's better you weren't 'here' I wouldn't or couldn't come up with much of my own defense or argument otherwise, irregardless of how I was feeling at the time. I can defend others easier than I can myself, always could.

I think that kind of helps, even if initially it feels like I'm cutting myself too much slack. There is a 'push' to call it 'free choice' but I'm not sure how much 'choice' one actually feels they have if the input is negative or there is pressure.

 

[ms spock]

@Junebug you are most sensitive in a multitude of ways. I became concerned because you were going to a philosophical level I don't have the brain space for at this time.

I might not have read you correctly but also - what we were writing - in your spirited defense and kindness to people with SI, might mean that people with SI might go all the way, if you know what I mean.

When I talk about not judging people I am being mean to them or critical to them might mean that yes they feel they are burdens and they feel like dying - but (maybe I am a romantic) but each person is important and their lives are important.

I was talking more from a point of view that if someone ends up in hospital - it is not helpful if no one talks to them because of the suicide attempt. But fighting to keep people alive is important to me.

I am not expressing this too well at all. I will think on it.

Your compassion is a wonderful thing and I may have misread you.

You nail the choice thingy well.