Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Ms Spock , no I understand what you mean. There is a writer that explains this far better than I, and he has said he's been acused of the same many times. Sometimes it even scares me, I'd rather like to think I could control it. (However, most 'diseases' etc don't have 'guarantees' or predictability necessarily, either. 'Life' doesn't actually, either. But it doesn't mean they all end badly.) I think the key lays in the difference between being compassionate, but not giving up (either).

So I would just say you are correct. Hugely correct. :tup: :) :hug:

You know, it came to me today, whether it be ptsd or SI, I've always tried to attempt to'fix' it in a huge go, a huge effort. Of course, I realize it's likely life-long, but my analogy would be trying to put 2 or 3 coats of paint on a wall in one go (and in high-humidity and intense heat :eek: :laugh: ), rather than 2 fine coats, with proper drying time. It's the small things- really small, and not rushed, that help me (us) to help pull us through I think. (JMHO).

 

[ms spock]

The small things do make the difference @Junebug.

A moment of kindness at the right time can be most powerful.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh yes @Ms Spock , life-changing or life-saving, those are the things I remember from the worst times.

If I get to Heaven one day I know I'll see those people. :inlove:

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, I think I've managed to identify or learn something big, it's the abusive clients that get to me. The verbal buse, +/or the threat of physical. Currently I have only one (the same one). But as more time goes on, my tolerance decreases- I feel raw. It's the major impediment to quitting smoking, as each day I psyche up and dread going there. Also, the call is getting longer and longer, and that makes it harder. It's slightly earlier now however, and that helps. Tonight it was cancelled, then they (the client/family) tried to get me to return, but those above me said to not worry about it (tonight). I felt uncomfortable about it until I thought of what I learned at Easter, that things can be turned upside down in good ways, to teach us what to do, and solutions or unfoldings we cannot imagine. Then I felt better. I was resolved to get it over with and even go when I didn't have to, but fortunately to my great relief 'God" had other plans. I'm glad I identified the difficulty and I'm glad for tonight I got a break from it.

And I had a second big realization, I got put in a position tonight with my sister's bf, when drunk his hands aren't where they should always be. But tonight I didn't feel fearful as normal, it was kind of sad really, and oddly enough despite it I think he communicated more to my sister than normal, and ended up giving me verbally more credit than he ever has.

 

[Tinyflame]

I must say, tonight I really feel not very capable & not very hopeful in any way for the future, I really have no idea why I have fought or what I fight for to stay alive for the 'future'. I think I've lived too long this way. Debbie Downer but nonetheless the truth. Still I am thankful for a lot of things, big and small. but they seem to not alter that reality. All I can hope to do is drown out the feelings.

I guess it comes down to, I understand some things in retrospect. I can attempt to realize and dismantle grief and the impact of 'stuff' and such. I can learn to navigate some parts of (my) world better than before. But one thing I can't do at 45 is begin over or start where I would or should have at 25.

 

[mamachick]

Oh Junebug, you are one of the wisest and compassionate people that I know. I understand your feeligs, I can relate to being tired of fighting for survival, but you deserve so much more. I know that this seems like not enough, but you contribute and help so many people here and always find kind words to say.

((((hugs)))

 

[Meadowsweet]

I understand some things in retrospect. I can attempt to realize and dismantle grief and the impact of 'stuff' and such. I can learn to navigate some parts of (my) world better than before. But one thing I can't do at 45 is begin over or start where I would or should have at 25.

I've become very depressed at times for the reasons mentioned here. But in a better frame of mind, I would say that over 40, the world changes for everyone. There are more people who have been through 'stuff' and come to understand loss, hurt and grief, than in the world of 25 year olds. There are many more people who appreciate the quiet things in life, who no longer want to go to clubs or parties and get drunk. And I think over 40, people are probably more interested in the person they're speaking to, rather than their body..

So I figure that maybe this side of 40 is my time, that maybe I can fit in better with the over 40's than I ever could with 25 year olds.

 

[Tinyflame]

, you are one of the wisest and compassionate people that I know. I understand your feelings, I can relate to being tired of fighting for survival, but you deserve so much more.

Aw dear @brat17 , you are profoundly kind. Thank you for trying to give me a purpose. I feel so inately useless. I certainly cannot see 'deserving' things to come, or even how things could, rather, or 'also', come along (because of 'myself', especially). My heart & self feels all mashed-up & not (at best) capable.

In terms of 'purpose' (or even functionality), I think I have to accept I simply won't/ don't have one. I mean, really accept it. Fighting it is futile.

I suspect & fear that the decisions I made, say at 25, now determine the realities of today. My fault per se, no small wonder re: career, fractured family, no family of my own. Just a wasted life. I think I understand why now I have to stay or get away from others. I thought it was a good choice for me as well, & I guess as per certain people or interactions it was. Currently in my life now (not being '25'!) I realize it's just like trying to back out of a room & not be noticed that I am doing so. I feel toxic & burdensome. I guess I can't stand myself much.

I feel profoundly grateful for the help I've received, but I also feel it's unfair to others. I don't really understand how people can be compassionate about it or why they have. I don't have the words but I can't understand why people have put in any effort to keep me alive when I don't have a future. It's wasted. Or more accurately better spent on other people. That's what it is, like my presence just wastes time, even nominal, that should be spent elsewhere (rightfully so).

I suspect it goes back to the relatively recent news too of my sister being ill. I can't seem to figure out 'how' I could have worked with the dynamic of our relationship over the years to change much. Similarly, the years are simply gone.

As per the future, if there is one, I don't have the abilities to just get in to life or relationships as 'aggressively' or assertively as they seem to suggest is both required & inevitable. All of it- so much- is just so much stress for me. I feel too broken and well, as I described. I think it were better if I could go off somewhere isolated.

Thank you however dear dear @brat17. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw dear @Meadowsweet, :hug: , yes, I agree, though I still find 'body' seems the only attraction of men I meet, and God knows I'm not a new model so that's probably just explained by sex-with-anyone-will-do. And their age doesn't seem to alter it.

But (& I'm sorry I can't quote, this moment it's not working), I know they say we all have value, I know people have many many struggles. I have the highest respect for people who start new again, such as single moms, people divorced, new careers.And I like people of all ages. I just don't have the thick enough skin to create a life I should have. I guess I was too 'abnormal', or too incapable, or too afraid, or to busy taking care of someone else, or just too darn damaged, Idk. Or something. I feel like I have an old body but a child's heart, I simply can't hack it.

Thank you for your kindness to read, xox.

 

[ms spock]

But one thing I can't do at 45 is begin over or start where I would or should have at 25.

Me neither Junebug, me neither.

 

[ms spock]

What you are all talking about I am struggling with at the moment @Junebug @Meadowsweet @brat17

Gives me heart to know that I am not alone.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I just don't have the thick enough skin to create a life I should have.

This is a classic negative thinking style though. Could you imagine the details about what life you 'should' be having and why you should be having that life, rather than the life you are having?

When I do that, I tend to find that I am imagining the life I 'should' be having if I was living a different persons life with a different persons experiences. Or, I find that the expectations on my child self are ridiculously harsh and unrealistic.

Something my therapist said, that really reached me - I had become my child self in therapy, and the next session I was in bits, embarrassed and annoyed at myself. And she asked me, if my own child came to me and told me about a problem, how would I react towards them. The truth is I would act very very differently. I would never put expectations on any other child like I put on my child self. You know, if a child came to me and told me that a man had done those things to them, I wouldn't scream at them to shut up and leave me alone, I wouldn't tell them they're bad for even thinking about it, or to stop saying it and to just be happy and normal - but that's the way I was responding to my own child self.

It is easier to work things through when I am working with myself like a friend, than when I am fighting against myself, blaming myself or being abusive to myself.