Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

I guess it all contributes to SI, cumulatively.

I guess I am learning, what I should say, can't say, shouldn't have said, don't need to say.

 

[mamachick]

Recently I remembered an old rule I had about communication with others-I honestly forgot, because I had many mentally healthy years that knowing what to do came naturally. Now I seem to piss everyone off. My rule was this: There are different types of people and one type it never pays to be honest with, to speak from the heart, to tell that they have crossed a boundary or offended you, etc. They will always go to other people and drag others into a triangulation. Its a no win situation. I had to remind myself to shut up with those people, avoid, dont expect respectable behavior, etc. If I am going to let their behavior anger or hurt me, then gracefully bow out of situations with saying as little as possible about why, such as I have other plans. It is not you. If you have a problem with someone, you address it with that person. Many take the information and stew, then call another friend, or another sister, and turn things around. Its no win.

Then there are those who are reasonable and genuinely want feedback or honest communication. Can base on past behaviors, and even the new, we often have great gut instincts, our ability to read people or our intuitiveness has kept us alive. Trust yourself.

 

[ms spock]

@Ms Spock , for whatever reason I am glad if it helps you feel a little better. :hug: I always regret posting this stuff. :(

It helped me a lot @Junebug.

 

[ms spock]

Being the family scapegoat is not easy at all @Junebug. It is part of dysfunctional family dynamics.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @brat17 and @Ms Spock . :hug: :hug:

 

[mamachick]

Feeling SI tonight, and it came on rapidly.
Wed thru Fri this past week, I did a lot of physical labor cutting and picking up schrubs and mulching and other yard work. Saturday company, Sunday began cleaning house. My mood has been good and thoughs clear and reasonable since on new anti depressant.
Yesterday, a friend/aguaintance contacted me and asked me to pick her up and bring her to my house. She had just returned from out of town to see her boyfriend and he bruised her up. I went to get her and she did not answer. She was curled up in a ball on the sofa. She had drank a bottle of wine and brought another to my house. Even though I know this a bad idea, I allowed it because we were never close friends but from recent contact, I suspect she needs to be in patient alcohol recovery.

We talked about this. She felt like others think she is crazy. I just provided support and validated her current position. She crashed on my couch for awhile and I did nt take her home until 3 am when she was a bit sober and could walk and sounded more rational. I felt it was safe then, but I was up most of the night. I talked to her this afternoon and she sounded good, said she got place in rehab on friday. At the end of conversation, I suspected she was drinking again. A couple hours later, her son called me and said she made suicidal comments on text and when he replied, she was not answering. She has xanax and he was very afraid. Both her children life over an hour away. So he called 911 and I jumped in my car to check on her. I arrived and she did not answer door. I found back door open but she was not there. I called him. He told me to check basement and attic. Then I saw her computer on and she left her cell phone. Her car was gone. I know he was terrified.

The same time police and paramedics were knocking at front, she came through back door. She was drunk and had gone out for cigarettes. She refused to go to ER and explained suicidal comments. Promised she would not hurt herself. Police and paramedics stayed for about an hour trying to get her to ER for evaluation. They finally left. Then she told me that she would not agree to go to hospital because she didnt want to get beat up by police. (that happened to me in 2008 which I still suffer consequences)

She then told me that when officer talked to her alone, he asked why I was there, said that I was trouble, and that she should stay away from me. He said that he has dealt with me in the past and I am trouble. The other officer was very nice to me and so were paramedics. She said this is why should would not go to ER for psych evaluation now. That is where she needs to be to be safe, because there is nobody to be with her round the clock til friday.

Mind you, our kids were friends 10 yrs ago, and she contacted me out of the blue a couple months ago needing help with legal issues related to past boyfriend knowing I use to work with domestic violence. We never were close friends or hung out together.When she told me this cop said this, my heart sank. I was drug from my own home and falsely arrested and abused in 2008. Only after a suicide attempt was I diagnosed with ptsd from this. I have been trying to recover all these years and am making way. I filed a lawsuit against police but my lawyer missed the statute of limitation.

The only trouble I have ever been is chosing bad boyfriends. I am an adult child of alcoholic and so were they, or pathological liars and sociopaths. On the other hand, since our kids were friends, I also know that this woman does not always tell the truth. She used the officers statement as the reason she would not go to the hospital. That is a lie that comes with the addiction. I know she wants to drink as long as she can. So Im not even sure that he said this to her. But it triggered the abuse I encountered by the cop in 2008 and am having suicidal ideation this evening. I came home and became physically sick. I dont want to spiral down again.

I know this woman from our kids band 15 yrs ago, and know that at times she makes things up. Given her alcoholism, I am hoping that she made this up and this officer did not say this to her. I thought about calling the police supervisor but decided against it. I will say that the cop looked at me and walked away.

I have not drank with this woman, I have not caused any of her problems, I have been absent from her life. She is in a desperate situation and I have been willing to help-it seems the humane thing to do. Now I am feeling like not responding to her messages or calls because my trying to help her seems to not be practicing self preservation.

I dont know what to do.

 

[Tinyflame]

@brat17 , I think you do have to practise self-preservation, especially if you have SI. Being that she's in such shape, as she is avoiding the psych eval etc but were she thinking more clearly would realize she needs some kind of help, I doubt that you can trust her comment at all, or even her awareness (or lack of) facts/ impressions/ recall/ words/ perspective due to being inebriated. The awful and sad part is that you can't trust her words (or other stuff) when not facing the drinking.

I (just personally, after being in a somewhat-similar situation), would call AA for advice.

((((((((Brat))))))))) :hug: .

 

[mamachick]

Thanks Junebug, I appreciate your response and think that you are right. I feel so unsafe in this city after what happened. It is so corrupt and I have tried so hard to just do the best I can and be reasonalbe about my safety, trying not to let the ptsd guide me. In the past I have isolated. I have just started getting out a little more and trusting that the police are not all dirty here, and have seen evidence of good cops and have worked at holding that thought. So this is just a setback. Its like once the cats out of the bag, I cant put it back. But non the less, I am trying to just ignore what she said.
((((hugs)))))

 

[Tinyflame]

It's been a while, wish me luck, or prayers? :wideeyed: :notworthy: If all goes well I am hoping to apply for a new job (new company, different field, & easier on the body, likely better pay & M-F, at least for now, was offered a paid-leave-from-my-current-job years ago there without applying but could not take it as I didn't drive). Just found out today, BUT, application due tomorrow ( :wideeyed: :eek: ) & have not updated resume/CV :eek: (left last job on a friday & started current one the following monday, have not taken even a holiday until last year.)

:eek: Can I do it?? :eek: :wideeyed: It would be an accomplishment just to try.

 

[ms spock]

Good Luck @Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Ms Spock . :hug: :hug:

I am really torn. :( Wouldn't you just know it, all day had clients saying directly or indirectly 'thank God it's you', or how important it was (I) was there. I am not sure if that would matter if I had longer to apply (not a deadline tomorrow). Strange thing is, I know the bottom line is what I make ($), & it sure was terrific to have a more normal cheque, even if working every day was what it took. I am also old enough to realize that simple fact, not to mention one can make faster headway. And I should not think twice, being my body is giving out (unfortunately the current work's death benefit is one of it's only selling features for myself). My back is killing me tonight because of picking up wheelchairs (my own fault), but also one of the larger service elevators was out of order. And I'm worried about job security because they are phasing those of us out who don't drive, & I don't know if I will be at all protected or have recourse. Terrifying for me. :(

But all that being said, the people are worth it. Especially the most vulnerable with Alzheimer's disease & dementia. Usually less physically demanding but more difficult (for others) to connect to but not myself. I know you understand with B's dad, @Ms Spock , it is very difficult & exhausting. But those are the clients too that I do the best with, I don't even really know why.

I really don't know though, I feel very much like a fool to not apply. The company here in many way is awful, my body is giving out, the remuneration is better & that's the bottom line (for survival as well, especially being single & dependent on working), the position currently itself is both demanding & can cause grief & .worries for me for the future. Yes I feel very foolish, like a 'bleeding heart' person who's too old to not know better that I'm likely bringing on myself more grief to not attempt to change it. Some days I can hardly bear the thought of getting through the day, then I don't know if it's also because of the ptsd or not. I am always thankful to be working, but there's a constant massive fear what if I'm not or can't.

 

[ms spock]

But all that being said, the people are worth it. Especially the most vulnerable with Alzheimer's disease & dementia. Usually less physically demanding but more difficult (for others) to connect to but not myself. I know you understand with B's dad, @Ms Spock , it is very difficult & exhausting. But those are the clients too that I do the best with, I don't even really know why.

It is difficult and very exhausting. It is also wonderful when you contain them and you give them a good day. You derail the paranoia and the delusions and you get them to focus on something and it gives them a good day. And it is wonderful, before I was here Papa Bear sat in front of the TV, and B sat in front of the computer. They were both scared and a bit lonely, though they were company for each other. Now there are a whole host of people that come into the house. Two days a week carers come in for a couple of hours. Papa Bear goes to day respite at a centre two days per week. Now Papa Bear has two weeks periodic respite care in a nursing home - and he made friends and chatted to all the staff and everyone. The staff said to me that they could sit and listen to him all day. OMG! He LOVES That!

So People Like You Make Our Lives So Good @Junebug. You by being your genuine self connect with those people with Alzheimer's disease and Dementia, and it means the world to me, and I know that B is most appreciative, though, of course, he wouldn't say anything. But he is at 7 years full time of looking after his Dad, and he is tired. I can almost cry with happiness when Papa Bear is treated like a real human being and is listened to and talked with. It means so much. And when a couple of people come in like that - well you still feel feelings for leaving him there, but you feel so much better knowing that there are good genuine people, who are solid and present for the dementia sufferer.

Never forget what you have given. Because it is a gift so very few people truly understand, and the demented they don't write books or speak on the news. But it nevertheless is still so crucial for quality of life and for moments of happiness.

I really don't know though, I feel very much like a fool to not apply.

Go for it, and you can decide if you are ready to leave your current job, when and if you get an offer. Attachment to the people you work with is normal and healthy. However you need to look after yourself. So you are applying for the job, on spec, but that doesn't mean you have to give up this job. You can make that decision after you have applied and gone to an interview, if nothing comes of it, no decision needs to be made.

Give it a whirl @Junebug.

My 2 Cents Junebug, take what resonates and leave the rest. It may be Vulcan Logic to me, but it might just be some caring words to someone else.