Anyone else averse to touch and/or being in their body?

Charbella

Confident
My T has really been pushing for me to be in touch with my body. I’m pretty much a walking hand, feet and head.

Every time he brings up something “simple” he wants me to try I’m flooded with images and sensations of being touched all related to CSA.

It’s frustrating to me that he doesn’t seem to get that his quest for some nice sensation or even tolerable sensation isn’t going to happen. Just him saying body is enough to start the images.

I don’t like touch can’t that just be the end of the conversation? I get this is a trauma response, my brains way of reminding me how unsafe it’s always been.

But then I think it’s my touch, why is my brain associating my touch to danger, I guess because it’s reminding me that it’s my fault and I’m as much a danger to myself as anyone else.

Anyway I’m just wondering if anyone else has such strong feeling regarding being in their body and if anyone got through this and the triggers associated with it.
 

Charbella

Confident
This is so great that you recognise this. Can you tell your T this?
Maybe, for now he’s agreed that focusing on the body can wait.

Ya know how you tell someone something and you think you’re being so clear? Apparently I wasn’t. Or I was and because I wasn’t giving him the SI part of the picture my message was not received as intended.

What it brings up for you. What is scary about being in your body? What counter messages can you give yourself about your safety of your body in the here and now?
What is brings up is terror, at the moment getting past the terror into the messages wasn’t something I thought about. Hard headed part of me apparently likes to spend awhile hoping it will go away before remembering the terror is always hiding something. 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for the reminder, when I’m not feeling so triggered by the world maybe I will attempt to sit with the terror long enough to see what’s on the other side.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Ya know how you tell someone something and you think you’re being so clear? Apparently I wasn’t. Or I was and because I wasn’t giving him the SI part of the picture my message was not received as intended.
Oh I know that too well! It creates a lot of confusion because *I said it* and it was so hard to say and they didn't get what I was saying? Even worse when it's with T.


And yep, stabilising the SI first sounds a good plan before working out what is behind the terror.
 

osiris

MyPTSD Pro
I totally struggle with my body so I get where you’re coming from.

I have spent most of my life trying to exist in my head and the rest didn’t count.

Can’t say it’s been easy finding ways out of it, T has been very patient.

The most helpful thing I found was a trauma informed kickboxing course. Could do with doing it again tbh!
 

Charbella

Confident
My T says he feels like the idea of noticing body sensations is scarier than the actual noticing of them. Just wondering what other people think of this idea.

Personally I have two objections, one is that the idea has sent me into triggers?Flashbacks? What I call flashes? (More than a simple trigger to an image but less than a full blown flashback) so on that point it’s possible he’s correct, but also incorrect because if thinking about it causes that than how can actually doing it be any better? The second objection is that the purpose of the noticing is to reconnect with my body. This body that didn’t do anything about the abuse, this body that’s never been more than a disappointment. This body that holds sensations that having been through once I’d like to never do again. This body that has already given me a few tastes of that memory during EMDR and I was anything but a fan.

So for those of you who got past the avoidance and gave it a try did you find that the idea of it was worse or the actual doing it?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
My T says he feels like the idea of noticing body sensations is scarier than the actual noticing of them. Just wondering what other people think of this idea.
MyT said this too and I also could not feel or believe it. But, I think the fear is worse than the reality. Because the abuse isn't happening now. All the feelings make it feel like it is. But it isn't m it's safe now. So connecting with you body now, in a safe way, isn't scarier. It's the fear that is scary and the past. Not the body now. However......there are bits that make it challenging and I think there are some first steps that need to happen before the fear feels manageable and not unbearable.

The second objection is that the purpose of the noticing is to reconnect with my body
If we think about us as adults and needing to live healthy or healthier lives. Thriving not just getting by from minute to minute. Then that means listening and respecting our bodies? So being able to live in our bodies is a good outcome? A healthy happy one?

This body that didn’t do anything about the abuse, this body that’s never been more than a disappointment. This body that holds sensations that having been through once I’d like to never do again. This body that has already given me a few tastes of that memory during EMDR and I was anything but a fan.
These are cognitive distortions. I did this. I blamed my body or specific body parts for the abuse. And this is one of the first steps I think will help. Looking at where responsibility lies about the abuse. As children we had no way out so far easier to blame ourselves and our bodies. We're bad. Something wrong with us. Our body allowed it. Our body didn't stop it. But the harsh reality is that we had no control and it was the responsibility of the abuser to not abuser.

So for those of you who got past the avoidance and gave it a try did you find that the idea of it was worse or the actual doing it?
So for me, shifting that responsibility from me to the abusers opened up the door to being able to feel and connect with my body. It's still a work in progress. But the amazing overhwelming (in a good way) relief and suprise and amazement that I had shiffting the blame from my body to them, is something I hold very much. I didn't know this new feeling. Didn't know it was possible. Didn't know this new feeling existed.

So it can get better. But it is hard work.
 

Lilac98

Policy Enforcement
I feel similar to @Givrali i feel uncomfortable with my chest and have cut it a bit and wanted to cut it off even though I didn't have a chest in one of the incidents but I didn't want my body to start looking like a w in front of the alien. I've never liked touch but I'm autistic. I wish I was less aware of my body it makes me feel icky.
 
I resonate with this struggle...trauma has made me aggresively touch and sex averse....it has gotten somewhat easier over time...but I still dissasociate in some instances...it fills me with pain to know that other people who want to express genuine intimacy, even non-sexual physical touch, I have an immediate reponse in my body that puts me in a stae of fear...I feel threatened and hypervigilant.....I always wanted to have the bodily freedom I see other people express so often...
 
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