Anyone else get confused and think they are their abuser or that they aren't themselves?

[Gamergirldelux]

Basically I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way. I have CPTSD and I was abused off and on by my mother probably hundreds of times. I was her toy while she used and abused me. Sometimes it was for gifts and things as a kid. As I got older she was the bread winner of the family and threatened to leave and leave us homeless or hurt my dad (who I have a good relationship with) I spent alot of time alone with her. She told me she did these things because she couldn't control herself and she was eventually outed as gay. This has always made me question myself. I know that I went along with everything cause it seemed to make her happy and I know this sort of thing doesn't make someone gay. And I'm not I just struggle with memories and feelings and what if and just awful things that she said to me while doing these things. I believe she called me different names. As well which turned out to be people our family knew. Anyways I just want to know if anyone else has moments where you feel awful and there's nothing you can do except be exactly like your abuser because that's all you will be good enough for? I struggle having my own identity. Because I learned things from her but I also learned alot on my own home to somewhat communicate. Its hard some days I don't even feel like myself. I feel like her. Full of hate and spite and anger and her personality almost feels like mine and in my head I can't sometimes see it or see a difference and then I freak out. But I guess freaking out is good because I am recognizing that those thoughts and things are not me. Or what I identity with. I guess it's because I spent so much time with her. I don't know how to not be like her or think like she does?

 

[spooky lil girl]

I feel daily I am not really here. That what appears as reality is really a hallucination. That I am really locked in a room, tied to a bed somewhere. That other persons are caring for the daily needs of my body while I am mentally living a false life. It scares me when that feeling is sometimes at it's strongest. Thanks for letting me share.

 

[Gamergirldelux]

I feel daily I am not really here. That what appears as reality is really a hallucination. That I am really lo...

I feel you on that. Thank you for sharing and I hope you start to feel a bit better today!!

 

[PointlessExistence]

I sometimes find myself dealing with the family dog in the same tone, with the same anger, that my father dealt with me. My only saving-grace is that I don't physically abuse him, unlike my father.

 

[Gamergirldelux]

I'm sorry you had that happen to you. I'm glad you can love your dog in a good way. Good for you. It's not easy to break the cycle. Thank you for sharing. Stay strong

I sometimes find myself dealing with the family dog in the same tone, with the same anger, t...

 

[Ronin]

I try to keep in mind however much I am able to think like them, I'm not actually them, and it developed as a survival mechanism, or out of caring for these people at some point, and caring deeply.

That doesn't transform me into them. Because I never was, and never will be.

But boy, do I know struggling with this.

 

[Rose White]

Yes, so much.

When I think about writing my story, it feels like the story of him.

When I disclosed my attachment to my T I felt like he was inside me, my facial muscles were his, my breath and eyes too. I hated myself. I was disgusted by myself. But that’s because I hadn’t started pulling him apart from me.

That feeling of being trapped in his essence is part of what drives me to recover I think. Because I can say, “That’s not me. He is not me.”

I just realized how incredibly simple that is and yet anyone who doesn’t understand that or scoffs and says, “Of *course* he’s not you,” is someone I don’t want around me.