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Anyone Else Sick Of Being Apologetic?
- Post starter A-RON
- Start date
- Status
goingonhope
VIP Member
Hi A-Ron,
A-Ron, (knock-on-wood)......(my superstition & fear), Yes!
......but I don't want to jinx myself here in relating greatly, but not nearly as much within the present.
I can relate to previously going through periods of time of feeling anxious and depressed alot in the course of a week, even for weeks of varying lengths, where I was compelled to apologize frequently for not only the real wrongs, or/and slights, I'd both done, but those imagined ones I'd thunk' I'd must have done.
The weeks where I'd feel most apologetic ...(could arrive at my doorstep again, anytime / fear)... were those weeks when I'd be most depressed, withdrawn and want nothing other to be allowed to simply shut-down, with others permission to do so.
When depressed, I can either zone-out creating for myself some distraction that would propel me into fantasy with an almost addicitive desire to keep me there.
Or, when overwhelmed, I'm semi-focused and present I enter into an inwardly anxious and depressed state, but still functioning, though resentful and exhausted, ..........still meeting others and my own often too high expectations set. Here is where I'd/ I observe my blunted emotional state affecting others nearest to me.
I'd then feel/felt sorry and guilty and want(ed) to erase and/or, at the very least, ammend my undeniable insensitivities and irrational reactions toward others, most dearest to me.
Why? Because I'd become aware that within high-stress levels and in a bad mood I'd create such trepidation for others, for quite a radius surrounding me. Others were and/or become frustrated with walking on egg-shells, or with them anxiously projecting and fearing that perhaps they'd might have to accept always living this way and in such state, so long as I remain(ed) symptomatic, unpredictable and ill.
And, when I'd become aware of such, and if I become increasingly too stressed, or triggered, therefore symptomatic, well then yes, I too feel and have felt frustrated and guilty for the oncoming wave of need for apologies, or oncoming wave of anxieties and fears for my such compulsion and need for apologies, for what's sometimes actually fancied and unneccessary.
Wow! That was difficult to express what I mean here, and mean what I wanted to respond with. My inability to do such is far too often, for any consistent comfort, is low and a struggle more frequently as of late. Fair to poor, and certainly slow cognitive functioning takes me by the throat by surprise and frustrates me. Can't believe I use to be rather consistently quick, sharp and competent to say just what I meant to and without any difficulty.
This honest response has been hard, bc it's been so true of me from certainly the past and yet still may again (hopefully not!) become a reality in my present or future, ....which I don't like to admit.
[Not so pleasant of a fear of mine: ......But, I swear this Ptsd condition progress's downward and unreasonably so, sometimes no matter how hard a person tries to get themselves help or help themselves.]
Perhaps it's some true brain damage, I'm dealing with, ....perhaps it's this detested medicine I currently must take, as of late. But though this is the case with me for now (hopefully), I'm not in anyway suggesting that such will be so for other Ptsd sufferers.
Each has their own trauma or (s) they've experienced; Each with their own drive and remaining resources and abilities at seeking the professional help & support they require; Each with their own specific surrounding realities, and each with their own possible complications and rate of progress in moving in one, or the other direction of this Ptsd progression.
A-ron, I don't know if I've kept my focus in relation to your question or not, but do hope something here supports you in someway.
Also, I've seen you about the board participating much! Such has been my pleasure to observe your efforts. And, if I remember correctly your humor in your profile pg. user image, is quite the image.-(smiles) & (funny)
My Best for you,
goingonhope
A-Ron, (knock-on-wood)......(my superstition & fear), Yes!
......but I don't want to jinx myself here in relating greatly, but not nearly as much within the present.
I can relate to previously going through periods of time of feeling anxious and depressed alot in the course of a week, even for weeks of varying lengths, where I was compelled to apologize frequently for not only the real wrongs, or/and slights, I'd both done, but those imagined ones I'd thunk' I'd must have done.
The weeks where I'd feel most apologetic ...(could arrive at my doorstep again, anytime / fear)... were those weeks when I'd be most depressed, withdrawn and want nothing other to be allowed to simply shut-down, with others permission to do so.
When depressed, I can either zone-out creating for myself some distraction that would propel me into fantasy with an almost addicitive desire to keep me there.
Or, when overwhelmed, I'm semi-focused and present I enter into an inwardly anxious and depressed state, but still functioning, though resentful and exhausted, ..........still meeting others and my own often too high expectations set. Here is where I'd/ I observe my blunted emotional state affecting others nearest to me.
I'd then feel/felt sorry and guilty and want(ed) to erase and/or, at the very least, ammend my undeniable insensitivities and irrational reactions toward others, most dearest to me.
Why? Because I'd become aware that within high-stress levels and in a bad mood I'd create such trepidation for others, for quite a radius surrounding me. Others were and/or become frustrated with walking on egg-shells, or with them anxiously projecting and fearing that perhaps they'd might have to accept always living this way and in such state, so long as I remain(ed) symptomatic, unpredictable and ill.
And, when I'd become aware of such, and if I become increasingly too stressed, or triggered, therefore symptomatic, well then yes, I too feel and have felt frustrated and guilty for the oncoming wave of need for apologies, or oncoming wave of anxieties and fears for my such compulsion and need for apologies, for what's sometimes actually fancied and unneccessary.
Wow! That was difficult to express what I mean here, and mean what I wanted to respond with. My inability to do such is far too often, for any consistent comfort, is low and a struggle more frequently as of late. Fair to poor, and certainly slow cognitive functioning takes me by the throat by surprise and frustrates me. Can't believe I use to be rather consistently quick, sharp and competent to say just what I meant to and without any difficulty.
This honest response has been hard, bc it's been so true of me from certainly the past and yet still may again (hopefully not!) become a reality in my present or future, ....which I don't like to admit.
[Not so pleasant of a fear of mine: ......But, I swear this Ptsd condition progress's downward and unreasonably so, sometimes no matter how hard a person tries to get themselves help or help themselves.]
Perhaps it's some true brain damage, I'm dealing with, ....perhaps it's this detested medicine I currently must take, as of late. But though this is the case with me for now (hopefully), I'm not in anyway suggesting that such will be so for other Ptsd sufferers.
Each has their own trauma or (s) they've experienced; Each with their own drive and remaining resources and abilities at seeking the professional help & support they require; Each with their own specific surrounding realities, and each with their own possible complications and rate of progress in moving in one, or the other direction of this Ptsd progression.
A-ron, I don't know if I've kept my focus in relation to your question or not, but do hope something here supports you in someway.
Also, I've seen you about the board participating much! Such has been my pleasure to observe your efforts. And, if I remember correctly your humor in your profile pg. user image, is quite the image.-(smiles) & (funny)
My Best for you,
goingonhope
- Post starter
- #3
Thank you Hope! What an enjoyable post that was to read! Whether it seems to be on topic or not doesn't really matter to me. I think you're onto something with the idea of fear and insecurity.
I think one of my insecurities on this website is that I haven't actually been diagnosed with PTSD, and although I don't have any issues with going to a doctor, it just seems like a big hassle. A huge hassle, actually. When I was having my first major crisis (6-9 months ago), I went to a counselor for five sessions and they had no clue what my problem was and eventually became scared of me because I was so angry that they weren't doing anything to help me when I needed immediate help and they were wasting my time and prolonging my crisis. Then two weeks ago, I went to a doctor, but I was late to the appointment, so he basically did nothing and just rescheduled me for three weeks later (January 28th), even though I told him I needed to fix the problem immediately since I was about to be fired. I was fired like three days later. When I do see him, I think he's just going to refer me to someone else, which means I'm just wasting my time. It's such a huge burden, and I think it makes my condition worse. Just typing this makes my head hurt. I wouldn't call it a headache, though, because when I think of headaches I think of brainfreezes. What I experience is deeper inside my head and more constant.
Anyway, thanks for your post.
I think one of my insecurities on this website is that I haven't actually been diagnosed with PTSD, and although I don't have any issues with going to a doctor, it just seems like a big hassle. A huge hassle, actually. When I was having my first major crisis (6-9 months ago), I went to a counselor for five sessions and they had no clue what my problem was and eventually became scared of me because I was so angry that they weren't doing anything to help me when I needed immediate help and they were wasting my time and prolonging my crisis. Then two weeks ago, I went to a doctor, but I was late to the appointment, so he basically did nothing and just rescheduled me for three weeks later (January 28th), even though I told him I needed to fix the problem immediately since I was about to be fired. I was fired like three days later. When I do see him, I think he's just going to refer me to someone else, which means I'm just wasting my time. It's such a huge burden, and I think it makes my condition worse. Just typing this makes my head hurt. I wouldn't call it a headache, though, because when I think of headaches I think of brainfreezes. What I experience is deeper inside my head and more constant.
Anyway, thanks for your post.
Shamstalat
Silver Member
Yes, I do get sick of apologizing. At the same time, I'm known for saying "sorry" all too often. I feel like it is a reflection of how I feel about myself. I start my sentences off with, "Sorry, but..." or "Sorry to trouble you, but..." And it shows how I feel about myself a lot of the time: sorry I exist, sorry to be a burden on this world. Sorry to trouble you. I'm sorry that you have to put up with me, etc.
I hope that one day I can stop apologizing to people for existing, but a lot of the time that is just how I feel. I do have my beautiful wife to help counter my apologetic feelings but at the same time I constantly have my family telling me I'm nothing but a pain in the neck to live with. In fact, a direct quote from my father: "You're such a burden. I'm just telling you the truth. I worry about you all the time. You're a burden to us." And I tell him it hurts, but he comes back with it's just the truth, he's just being honest, shouldn't he be open and honest? And I say yes, he should be, but openness and honestly hurts. And so that is why much of the time I am just sorry for existing. Sorry to be here. Sorry to take up space. Sorry to have needs of any kind. I'm sorry.
I hope that one day I can stop apologizing to people for existing, but a lot of the time that is just how I feel. I do have my beautiful wife to help counter my apologetic feelings but at the same time I constantly have my family telling me I'm nothing but a pain in the neck to live with. In fact, a direct quote from my father: "You're such a burden. I'm just telling you the truth. I worry about you all the time. You're a burden to us." And I tell him it hurts, but he comes back with it's just the truth, he's just being honest, shouldn't he be open and honest? And I say yes, he should be, but openness and honestly hurts. And so that is why much of the time I am just sorry for existing. Sorry to be here. Sorry to take up space. Sorry to have needs of any kind. I'm sorry.
I used to say I was sorry all the time. I used to apologize to all the kids who always found a reason to be mad at me, whenever I snapped at them pushing me around they'd cry because I yelled, and I'd say 'I'm sorry' and let them pick and push me around again. Telling me to sit 5ft away and then they'll swim with me for 2 minutes as my friend, but then I need to go away.... In the past people would make me feel bad for standing up for myself or for my depressions and the sort, and I'd have to apologize all the time for them.
But now I don't care anymore. I tell people this is me, this is the package. Take it or leave it. I guess I shut people out and just didn't care anymore. I only apologize when I spiral and suck my wife down with me, or to someone I love who doesn't understand and is really angry with me and assumes I do things to 'mess' with them, when it has nothing to do with that...
In class my favourite teacher once said to me in response to me freezing/getting scared to move in my seat to the group. I wanted so badly to get up with the group but I was so scared. She was real hurtful and told me that I thought I was smarter than everyone else, and that I was being smug by not complying...I cried so hard for an entire week. Because it had nothing to do with that...I was just afraid, I have social anxiety, I get nervous I get scared...and so like Shamstalat I'm always having to apologize for being a burden, or for not being understood, or just for being alive. And it's hard.
Now I don't apologize as much, because a long time ago when my dad mentioned how disappointed he was in me...I just shut down. And no longer cared. I stopped trying to be everyone's expectations.
I don't know, I'm saying one thng and then saying another. Both sets of which are equally true, I don't apologize much because I don't think I need to, but at the same time there are very few people I love who I do apologize too either because they don't understand, or to Shamstalat for when we've both spiralled and I couldn't snap out of it soon enough. (I generally believe my spiralling intensity triggers her intensity, and then she sinks while I'm sinking which is why I always apologize when that happens. But when I am in control of myself, I don't generally see the same spiralling.)
Also I don't say the words 'Im sorry' very easy. So I 'generally' don't say I'm sorry, I say it with gestures, like 'Thank you books' videos they'll never see, or 'cards'. Sometimes I begin to feel spite for even feeling the need to explain/apologize, or just...I don't know! I get to a point where it's like I'm apologizing and it is 'Sorry for existing'.
Except right now I don't feel sorry for anything! (At least I don't think...so I'll try not to think that much on it >,<)
But now I don't care anymore. I tell people this is me, this is the package. Take it or leave it. I guess I shut people out and just didn't care anymore. I only apologize when I spiral and suck my wife down with me, or to someone I love who doesn't understand and is really angry with me and assumes I do things to 'mess' with them, when it has nothing to do with that...
In class my favourite teacher once said to me in response to me freezing/getting scared to move in my seat to the group. I wanted so badly to get up with the group but I was so scared. She was real hurtful and told me that I thought I was smarter than everyone else, and that I was being smug by not complying...I cried so hard for an entire week. Because it had nothing to do with that...I was just afraid, I have social anxiety, I get nervous I get scared...and so like Shamstalat I'm always having to apologize for being a burden, or for not being understood, or just for being alive. And it's hard.
Now I don't apologize as much, because a long time ago when my dad mentioned how disappointed he was in me...I just shut down. And no longer cared. I stopped trying to be everyone's expectations.
I don't know, I'm saying one thng and then saying another. Both sets of which are equally true, I don't apologize much because I don't think I need to, but at the same time there are very few people I love who I do apologize too either because they don't understand, or to Shamstalat for when we've both spiralled and I couldn't snap out of it soon enough. (I generally believe my spiralling intensity triggers her intensity, and then she sinks while I'm sinking which is why I always apologize when that happens. But when I am in control of myself, I don't generally see the same spiralling.)
Also I don't say the words 'Im sorry' very easy. So I 'generally' don't say I'm sorry, I say it with gestures, like 'Thank you books' videos they'll never see, or 'cards'. Sometimes I begin to feel spite for even feeling the need to explain/apologize, or just...I don't know! I get to a point where it's like I'm apologizing and it is 'Sorry for existing'.
Except right now I don't feel sorry for anything! (At least I don't think...so I'll try not to think that much on it >,<)
Shamstalat
Silver Member
Saying sorry when I've done something wrong is also a trigger for me. One of my abusers use to make me apologize and then he would molest me as a form of punishment. So it would go along the lines of this:
(I'm typing this with my screen reader off so I don't have to hear the words--so please excuse any typos.)
In detention...
"Why do you think you're here?"
"I did [whatever it is I did wrong]."
"Say you're sorry (triggerword).:
"Sorry."
"Sorry, what?" (He was waiting for a sir(triggerword))
"I'm sorry, sir."
And then he would proceed to molest me. Man, both of those S words are such trigger words for me. I'm not going to say them anymore cause I have my screen reader back on.
So that is another reason I feel like I must endlessly say sorry when I've done something wrong, even the smallest thing. He would punish me for the smallest things. Not pulling in my chair when he walked by. Etc. And so now I feel like I must apologize profusely even when I make the smallest mistake.
Wow, that was very intense but strangely therapeutic.
(I'm typing this with my screen reader off so I don't have to hear the words--so please excuse any typos.)
In detention...
"Why do you think you're here?"
"I did [whatever it is I did wrong]."
"Say you're sorry (triggerword).:
"Sorry."
"Sorry, what?" (He was waiting for a sir(triggerword))
"I'm sorry, sir."
And then he would proceed to molest me. Man, both of those S words are such trigger words for me. I'm not going to say them anymore cause I have my screen reader back on.
So that is another reason I feel like I must endlessly say sorry when I've done something wrong, even the smallest thing. He would punish me for the smallest things. Not pulling in my chair when he walked by. Etc. And so now I feel like I must apologize profusely even when I make the smallest mistake.
Wow, that was very intense but strangely therapeutic.
Frig..I do this too. I apologize for existing as Shamsi does, I apologize when people bump into me, or are just very rude. I've even apologized to people for making them hit me...
I tend to say sorry first, ask questions later. I've had friends ask me why I say sorry when someone bumps into me, or gets in my personal space on the bus..I don't even realize i do it until after.
I think this is something that is a symptom of my spineless pushover mentality. "Just keep everone else happy...even at my own expense". It's a learned behaviour, that at one time was all that kept me alive.
Has anyone been able to kick this habit, and if so, how?
I tend to say sorry first, ask questions later. I've had friends ask me why I say sorry when someone bumps into me, or gets in my personal space on the bus..I don't even realize i do it until after.
I think this is something that is a symptom of my spineless pushover mentality. "Just keep everone else happy...even at my own expense". It's a learned behaviour, that at one time was all that kept me alive.
Has anyone been able to kick this habit, and if so, how?
What I found helpful when this was pointed out to me indirectly 2 years ago, was to make up my mind that I would only take responsibility for and apologize for what was of my cause. And, if the apology wasn't accepted- well, I can't do better than that.
It is critical for other peoples' benefit that they take responsibilty (or not) for what they do, too. If I take theirs, I am enabling them to "blame me" for their choices. I can (try to) be compassionate and forgiving, but that is where that part of my responsibilty ends.
Really, a lot I've been told comes down to being a "people pleaser".
I find the most difficult part is not doing it when it appears it would be a "quick fix solution" to establishing some peace. It isn't though, really, from my experience - just makes things worse in the long run and prevents me from having appropriate self-respect.
It is critical for other peoples' benefit that they take responsibilty (or not) for what they do, too. If I take theirs, I am enabling them to "blame me" for their choices. I can (try to) be compassionate and forgiving, but that is where that part of my responsibilty ends.
Really, a lot I've been told comes down to being a "people pleaser".
I find the most difficult part is not doing it when it appears it would be a "quick fix solution" to establishing some peace. It isn't though, really, from my experience - just makes things worse in the long run and prevents me from having appropriate self-respect.
Shamstalat
Silver Member
I think that a lot of us have been the family scapegoat or just the person to blame by default. People need to displace their anger? Displace it on us. So we have been trained to blame ourselves even for things that aren't our fault. So our small habits of when and why we apologize reflects that way of thinking that we have been taught by abusers and traumatic experiences.
I catch myself doing the same thing--apologizing for things that are totally not my fault. Once I even apologized for somebody cheating me on my money. It was obviously their fault and here I'm saying "Sorry you gave me a one-dollar bill instead of a twenty. My bad."
I think that as we healing and eliminate our scapegoat mentality, we will begin to only apologize for things that are actually in our control and a result of something we did/said.
I catch myself doing the same thing--apologizing for things that are totally not my fault. Once I even apologized for somebody cheating me on my money. It was obviously their fault and here I'm saying "Sorry you gave me a one-dollar bill instead of a twenty. My bad."
I think that as we healing and eliminate our scapegoat mentality, we will begin to only apologize for things that are actually in our control and a result of something we did/said.
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- #11
anthony
Founder
I guess you have to look at it on the spectrum of personality...
"Passive <> Assertive <> Aggressive <> Passive Aggressive"
If you believe you are passive, then maybe you do have an issue being apologetic, though if you are aggressive and trying to reduce yourself to the ideal, being assertive, then maybe you are doing the right thing. Only you know the true answer though for yourself...
"Passive <> Assertive <> Aggressive <> Passive Aggressive"
If you believe you are passive, then maybe you do have an issue being apologetic, though if you are aggressive and trying to reduce yourself to the ideal, being assertive, then maybe you are doing the right thing. Only you know the true answer though for yourself...
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