Anyone Else's Life In Jeopardy 24/7?

[Dana1010]

Not life as in the state of being alive, but the social-career-relationship-public image-reputation complex that has to be maintained in order to go outside everyday? Like, not only are you traumatized by your past, but you're also on the run from it in a very real sense.

I mean I had this memory today that put me in a stupor of depression and self loathing. How is it possible that the person in that memory is the same person I am today? I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. And the worst part was the thought, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. If anyone knew about this, I wouldn't be acceptable to anyone." It's like my whole life is a lie that I have to keep an eye on 24/7 so it doesn't go kaboom and destroy everything.

Has anyone changed so completely that they can't believe what they're seeing when they look back sometimes? How do you reconcile the person you were with the person you are now? Is it painful to recount the facts of your past?

At social gatherings, do you feel like if your "friends" knew about your past, they would pick you up and carry you off the property?

How do you deal with the paranoia?

 

[ladee]

I look at my past as doing what I knew to do at the time. Not like I had good teachers to show me social skills, or even recognize maybe, just maybe I needed help. But then that would have exposed THEM and that wasn't going to happen....I especially looked back on a bad marriage.... who the hell was SHE??? But I try not to shame the old Ladee, as she was on a journey and that was just part of it...Once I learned about toxic shame, I will not let any one do that to me, so being true to myself, I won't allow myself to do to me... if that makes sense.... we all have horrible things from our past.. all of us... I would only share if I thought it would help someone to know they were not alone... but most of it has been laid to rest, not dead, but not in the forefront of my brain all the time now. Along with all the other things we learn on our healing journey,is self forgiveness... thank goodness....
So please be easy with yourself... you are not alone, we all have things we don't want others to know about us.... but you can forgive yourself somewhere along the way, and then it will be less important... gentle hugs to your hurting self .....

 

[BlueOrange]

I once said "The time when I'm not scared is when I'm asleep" - keeping myself going all the time was a way of never being still long enough for the nightmares to catch me.

It has taken me a very long time to feel that I was strong enough that I could afford to slow down. That I could afford to stop making up new things to be scared of so that I wouldn't have to face my past. But I got better at dealing with my fears about the present, which allowed me to slow down, and because I was better at dealing with my fears, the past wasn't impossible anymore. (Just really difficult.)

One thing that helped me was that I told some people about the stuff that I was scared of getting out. People I didn't know very well were less risky to me (I had less to lose). One of my most valued friends today is someone that I talked to about things I was ashamed of, very early in the relationship. They said to me recently, that they were scared of letting me know the worst about themselves, and did I know what that was like? I said "No, you already know the worst thing about me, so I don't have to be scared."

I don't feel like I've provided a really good answer, but I think the question is just plain difficult, and I don't think there are any really good answers that can be written down.

 

[Stickler]

Social life?

...I vaguely remember having one.

 

[Dana1010]

Social life?

...I vaguely remember having one.

I don't have one either--I just wrote that, because if I did, I'd be scared sh**less.

 

[Born to Run]

Has anyone changed so completely that they can't believe what they're seeing when they look back sometimes? How do you reconcile the person you were with the person you are now? Is it painful to recount the facts of your past?

Yes, working on it and yes. I feel like standing on the ruins of the past that has been "my" life, but actually hasn't been, because it feels like I was never there. I find it extremely painful to look back and still mourn over the lost years. Reconcile goes slowly by bringing the stripped version of me back to the adult part of me that has functioned well in the past.

the social-career-relationship-public image-reputation complex that has to be maintained in order to go outside

I am not ready yet to manage any of the above and will only when ready. Way too vulnerable now.

I understand what you mean with the issue of being acceptable now, but are you not more at ease with the person you are now than with the old 'image' of the person you were? Apart from that in a way you are still the same person, only a more true version, or at least that is what I try to tell myself. I believe this sort of transitional phase is actually the most difficult phase, as you are in a way in between lives.

 

[Dana1010]

I find it extremely painful to look back and still mourn over the lost years.

Oh, the lost years. Where I would be today if I'd had the same chance for a decent life everyone else had. The disasters that could have been averted.

but are you not more at ease with the person you are now than with the old 'image' of the person you were?

I guess what you refer to as the "old image" actually feels more like the real me, and how I appear now is just a cover up and a ruse. I feel like people have a tendency to "round down" when judging you, like, "Yeah today, you've got a lot going for you, but back then you were _____, so..... gotcha." Harsh, but seems pretty accurate based on the sh** I've seen.

 

[Born to Run]

Sorry, I think I have not completely interpreted your post correctly. Quite tired. I will read again tomorrow, I think I miss your point now.

 

[Ronin]

For myself, I'd say 'Not really'. I'm used to my lives exploding on me. It's others & not taking anyone with me that concerns me.

 

[Born to Run]

Ok, got your point now ;) I don't recognise the paranoia and being on the run. Why would you need to cover up for the past, while none of it was your fault? You are not a bad person, because of your past. Please be gentle and accepting to and of yourself.