Anyone had a near death experience they can describe?

[Freida]

I can't believe I'm going to tell you guys this... but I guess ...

I remember dying. I was so done. I had been held for so long, and hurt so badly. I knew I was dying and I welcomed it.
Then I hit a big black rubber wall. Yep - like a big ole trampoline - and I got thrown back. No lights, no angels, no fluffy clouds. Just a big black wall.

In reality, he was doing cpr on me to get me back because he wasn't done with me yet. I hadn't suffered enough. I still had entertainment potential

But either way, it all comes down to ...God didn't want me. My religious friends all want me to buy into that whole "you survived for a purpose" and "it wasn't your time" and all that other bullshit, but that only goes so far. And yes I know, bad shit happens and you get over it and move on. but sometimes I still wonder..... maybe just a little fluffy cloud would have been nice on the way back and made the rejection easier to deal with.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

And yes I know, bad shit happens and you get over it and move on. but sometimes I still wonder.....

Glad you shared @Freida. and yes, I know bad shit happens too...but I disagree. You don't just get over it and move on.

Did you survive, yeah...but... I don't know that you ever forget or find a greater purpose. Sometimes bad shit happens... I'm glad you're here telling about it.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I knew I was dying and I welcomed it.
Then I hit a big black rubber wall. Yep - like a big ole trampoline - and I got thrown back. No lights, no angels, no fluffy clouds. Just a big black wall.

Of course I don't know the exact details of your NDE but had I been brought back at the very beginning of my experience I can imagine what you describe.

When my NDE started I found myself floating alone in complete blackness...alone and afraid...had I been brought back at that point I sure could have been writing your last post myself.

Can you imagine what you experienced was just the very beginning and the CPR was the trampoline?..

 

[Freida]

Can you imagine what you experienced was just the very beginning and the CPR was the trampoline?

That kind of goes along with what a friend is trying to get me to see.

I like that version ....I think. It's just kind of hard to wrap my mind around it. You know how it is when you have believed something for a long time and then you try to rethink it?

 

[ladee]

@stp2012 , I really hope you can pinpoint the fear. It was a very scary thing you experienced and you need your energy to heal . Thinking of you and hoping you get answers. Gentle hugs.

 

[Cyberluddite]

The day before I successfully got away from my trafficker in Tepic, Mexico, while trying to get help from the authorities. At the time I was over 50 pounds underweight, my knees were in constant pain from both meniscus being damaged, and exhausted by over 6 months' worth of sleep deprivation, torture, and captivity. I didn't realize at the time that the "cold that wouldn't go away" for the previous 3 weeks was walking pneumonia, caused by my trafficker's friend's two toddlers.

I walked a lot during those 4 hours, between the courthouse and IMN satellite office, before going down at the Public Defender's Office. The secretary was polite, and instructed me to sit in one of the chairs and wait. A minute or two after I sat down, my tongue and jaw started tingling and going numb, then the left side of my face started feeling like it was crawling. My eyes were forcing themselves closed, and my left arm and leg were tingling and curling up.

This wasn't the first time this happened, but this was the first time I realized I couldn't stop it. So I tried calling out for help, and since help wasn't coming (I looked bad, probably smelled worse, and my Spanish was atrocious) I said to myself, "F-ck it. Come what may, I'll deal with it."

And then passed out on the office lobby floor, having surrendered to my body's limits.

It took a couple moments before everything went dark, but I still heard the secretary trying to speak to me as my limbs slowly relaxed during that time. Once the voices went away, I found myself floating in this sepia-toned swirling mist. There was no tunnel of light, nobody waiting for me, no angels or demons or nothing... just this realm of mist that I existed in. There was no more pain, no more fear, no more exhaustion, no more sadness, I'd even forgotten I had a body.

I was happy, and I was finally at peace. Just... being, outside of existence. Then this invisible short wave of pressure passed through me, and I felt the word "No" in my head. The swirling fog went dark, and I came back to my body (still on the office floor). My body hurt worse than before, but I felt fully recharged; although it seemed like five minutes in the fog, I'd been gone for just under an hour.

Things changed shortly afterwards, and they've been changing more since in ways that I can't explain either. I don't know why I didn't see the usual stuff that everyone talks about, I don't even know if it's because I don't ascribe to the same belief systems as they do. I'm pretty sure that the reason I got sent back was because of a promise I made that needed to be fulfilled.

Three and a half years later, I still feel like a stranger in a strange land. Everything's the same, yet completely alien. I attract more trouble than I used to, and I've had to do a lot of "contemplating my belly button fuzz" to try and figure out my place in this world. And yet, there's something liberating about what happened on February 13, 2014. I didn't come back on my own, I wouldn't have been upset if I'd stayed in the Summerlands.

This is why I'm regularly cracking jokes to de-escalate tense situations, why I work on being more positive and motivating others, and why I struggle to translate thoughts and concepts into normal everyday words. It's not dysregulation, it's not a false sense of entitlement, it's not that I think I'm better than anyone -- I'm not. I changed, and I don't know what the hell happened.

PTSD is bad enough. This is like Billy May's evil twin.

 

[Freida]

@Cyberluddite

Things changed shortly afterwards, and they've been changing more since in ways that I can't explain either.

I'm pretty sure that the reason I got sent back was because of a promise I made that needed to be fulfilled.

Three and a half years later, I still feel like a stranger in a strange land. Everything's the same, yet completely alien.

why I work on being more positive and motivating others, and why I struggle to translate thoughts and concepts into normal everyday words. It's not dysregulation, it's not a false sense of entitlement, it's not that I think I'm better than anyone -- I'm not. I changed, and I don't know what the hell happened.

First - you are amazing.

Second - these are all things my friend who came back from her brain injury has said to me. Maybe not the same words, but the same concepts. She says she came back into a parallel world where she is the same and everyone else has changed. It took her over a decade to get the rules straight and to get comfortable in her new reality. Her life now is all about being more than she was before

And I know she would say to you..."Yep, you changed. And a person who goes through what you did and still works on being positive and motivating to others is a person who changed for the better" (I'd say it too, but it sounds better coming from her!)

 

[Kopykat]

A week ago, I was in a head on collision. Managed to survive it with remakably few physical injuries....

That is intense.

I was in a really bad car accident when I was 17 , it was winter, I flipped the car and it rolled at least 3 times and hit a telephone pole. I closed my eyes and prepared to die bc I just saw the world spinning and my friend screaming. And then there was silence and then my friend was still screaming, landed upside down. We landed in a ditch w snow but angled so her side was unable to be opened bc it was being pushed in by snow. The only real injuries I got were from crawling through glass and being thrown around and bruises from a seatbelt. I had to dig my way out of the snow and pull my friend out. When the car was towed and had to be identified the back axel was completely off and the roof was smashed down and in a V shape from the telephone pole, the front end was also crushed, the police officers said they didn’t understand how we were alive. That’s probably the closest I’ve been to death other than a suicide attempt where I heard a voice say “let go” and I just woke up a few hours later.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

the police officers said they didn’t understand how we were alive.

Sounds about right!

 

[Ronin]

Very near, very death, and honestly what's sticked around of all of it are still mostly the circumstances.

Back a bit dying was a f*ck you, and coming back was a 'f*ck you, you don't have that power', too.
I still tend to think of dying = improvement of the state of things. A way to remain myself, true to who I hold dear, despite adversity. Which is a major WTF for helping, and due to circumstances & repeated themes, one of core beliefs that's the hardest to do anything about.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Back a bit dying was a f*ck you, and coming back was a 'f*ck you, you don't have that power', too.

I love that!!! Never thought about it like that before...there is definitely a powerlessness theme that goes on.

It would be great if only we could hold all the power in that!

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Thank you all for your support in all this. I really needed this. These experiences are all horrific simply because of what they are. I've just learned that myself.

I had a really helpful session yesterday and got a lot of helps, reminders and practice of some of the tools I've learned but not used for quite a while. Grounding techniques for when these flashes appear. They're only picking up in frequency.

It was also suggested that although no one can say with 100% certainty what happens in the brain during these trauma situations, it's often reported that during an arrest (pulmonary or cardiac) a prism of lights seems to engulf the person. That or white light, sort of the calm floating that several of you have described.

Perhaps that is what happened. More of an outer body experience during that time. Interesting to me was the immediate link to the colors I described. That does help the validation that I'm not making this up or false memories.

Now to work on putting into practice some of the suggestions I've been given. See if it helps.

Thanks again for all the support. Others that speak my lingo has always been one of the most valuable comforts on this site. That's just been proven to be true again.