Apathy And Lack Of Motivation

[Barberian]

A bit off topic, I'm sorry. A few things talked about in this thread reminded me of this and I wanted to post about it.

My mother exposed me to a term - "personality suicide" that at the time was kind of mind blowing for me. I was 16 or so at the time. She then had to explain what she meant.

"Personality Suicide" is when a person just up and moves without notice to another community, state or country. They tell no one, leave no forwarding address, they no longer contact or allow anyone to know where they are. They leave most if not all their possessions behind. Once they are at their new location they abandon the personality they were unhappy with and become a "new" person. They do all the things they can that they were afraid to do because people were they were wouldn't allow or accept that behavior. They dress however they want to (even crossdress it that is what makes them happy), they do activities they want to, the see people they want to, they say what they want to when they want to. They become uninhibited, almost like a drunk loses all their inhibitions. They become "themselves".

To a degree, I did this when I joined the navy. Then again when I retired. I did this to a lesser degree when I changed commands within the navy. Before I joined the navy I had recently broken up with my cheating GF. I felt "Stuck" doing what people expected of me. Joining the navy allowed me to leave behind all the people I felt were holding me back from being myself. A new start with new people.

I'm still trying to figure out why I made this post here. Hope I didn't drag the thread too far off topic and someone finds it useful.

I now return you to this threads regular topic.

 

[mamachick]

Interesting. I appreciate the off topic.
Wonder what it would be like to have amnesia and forget it all. Maybe the next time I get bumped on the head.....LOL

 

[Raj]

Apathy and lack of motivation are my companion's and my enemies. Years ago I could make people in better shape chase me on a mountain bike, now getting off the couch is draining! I used to a real neat freak now I am a proud slob (if I find it great if not I will clean up next week and then, there oh there it is!) and a terrible example to my kids.

I fight apathy and improve honestly one percent a month, yet I do improve. My wife's understandable anger is a motivator. She has had more than enough apologies so now I take action, even if it is slower than my mind and soul wants it to be.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can so relate to what you are feeling and going through although our situations are vastly different.

I had a lifetime of traumatic experiences, and overdose of toxic people and situations. But I had hobbies, and interests.

Three years ago, my husband of thirty six years got Parkinsons and Dementia. He got sick three months before he retired.

I became a full time caregiver to him and I was dealing with such impossible things with him. He had been a wonderful husband, and he got very sick very fast. He had cruel delusions about me and falsely accused me of so many things. He had bad hallucinations about me. I had to take over everything.

Before I had a husband who loved me and took care of me. I had so many interests.

We lived in the mountains and I was forced to sell our mountain home. I arranged to buy a mobile home in another city where everything was flat. My husband was falling so much, and I knew he could not make it in the snow. I was the only caregiver for him and had no support. My daughter was in abusive marriage and I did not see or hear from her very much. I never felt so overwhelmned or alone like this.

I had to simplify our lives and we did not have room in the mobile home for all of my craft stuff. So before we moved I threw everything away. I thought I would only be taking care of the responsibilities and my husband for so many years. I became very apathetic and just survived each day doing the best I could. I had no support system, moved to a city where I did not know anyone.

Well my daughter got hit by her husband and came over here and the whole story spilled out. I did not know that my daughter was being so controlled and her children abused. I encouraged her to go to the police and get a restraining order.

So I was dealing with my very fragile husband and her stuff. It was so hard. I had no energy to do anything but take care of and be there for my husband. He was a full time job.

Now my daughter lives ten minutes away from me and I got my daughter and my granddaughters back in my life which helped e.

I could not take my husband anywhere, he was falling down so much and he was really out of it

He went downhill so fast and finally died at home with hospice caregivers around the clock.

I had no energy to clean my house, just do the basic things to keep us going. So our home was so filthy. I was so burned out and exhausted by the time he died. I thought I would have many more years with him. I was not prepared to lose him so fast, but he is not suffering anymore, and I am no longer consumned with worry and anxiety.

I hated living alone and missed him so much. But I was beyond being burnt out and exhausted. He died May twenty sixth of this year so I am fresh in my grief.

I have to start all over and still feel exhausted and have no motivation. I have been taking baby steps to rebuild and start over my life. I grieve the loss of my mountain home and garden. I miss all of my hobbies, I do not have anything anymore

I do not know how I survived the last three years.

I am very concerned for you now. My heart really goes out to you. What you are doing is just surviving the situation you are in and that is a very bad place to be. I know.

You must be so burnt out and exhausted.

I now have someone who cleans my house once a week. He is my daughters new boyfriend and he has helped me out so much. I think you would feel better if you had someone to help you out. I have gotten rid of so many things we needed to get rid of but my husband would not let me.

I recently had this place painted on the outside and it looks so much better. I am slowly coming back to life and am full of grief of all that I had to get rid of, I even had to get rid of my dogs and cats.

I now have a dog and a cat and they keep me company.

You are in my prayers and you do not know what good is around the corner for you.

I recently reconnected with some old friends that I have known for over twenty years. I have been spending two nights a week at my daughters house to help me to manage the deep loneliness I experience.

I believe you are perfectly normal for what you are going through. You are seeming to just survive and exist. I hope that somehow, someway you will get some help and support, and I know it seems impossible because you do not have any time for yourself.

If you want to vent pm me and I will be a source of support for you. Big hugs and prayers.

 

[mamachick]

Oh gizmo I did not know that you had been through all of these for the past 3 years. I am so sorry. I am glad that you have the memories of your wonderful husband to hold on to. Between your husband being so ill and then your daughter being abused-you must have been exhausted.

Not only are you grieving your hubby but also the loss of your home and environment, and it sounds like your heart was in your mountain home. Loosing your pets would have to be a huge adjustment. That is one of my fears. I have two wonderful dogs. I get exhausted caring for this big house, but it is hard to rent with 2 big dogs and selling and buying seems like alot of waste in moving costs and realtors fee's if I am not sure where I want to be (in this city).

Ya, I just exist a lot. I am waiting for a sign, or something to click. I have taken those baby steps before, but I got knocked back down with little stuff. In 2010, my sisters husband died unexpectedly. She was completely dependent on him to do everything. She is as able as I but has never lived alone. So she moved into my house for a few months because she was scared to be alone. It knocked me down a few notches as she rages and I felt panic. This was just 2 months after my ex boyfriend went nuts and forced me out of state. In between the events, I had surgery. I had to have electricity and plumbling and painting done for my sister as well, and I was 2 weeks post op and not suppose to.

Little things knock me back down much easier these days and zap my motivation. Some days I feel like a child having a temper tantrum, (Im not doing my chores). I have been responsible all of my life. I was caring for my alcoholic mother by age 6 or 7 and did so for the next 40 yrs. I took custody of my grandaughter for a year in 2009. My daughters friend moved in with us her senior year in hs because her mother had to move to another state for cancer treatment. I am not complaining. Im just tired. I dont give myself permission to be though. Yet I hear your post and think how tired you must be from all these changes.

I am glad that you now have a dog and cat for company. I LOVE my babies. Connecting with old friends is also great. I am glad your daughter lives near and you get to spend time with them as well. It sounds like you are rebuilding. That is a lot in just a few months.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and a big hug to you too gizmo. Please feel free to pm and vent also.

 

[saffy]

Hi Brat

I have concluded that I have nothing good to bring to the table either

Really? If your confidence is low you will feel like this. But by what I can see from you you sound interesting, considerate and generally nice person. Not a lot of people out there like this. Most just talk crap or gossip about other people. Sometimes saying nothing is good. :)

Learning to engage and make the effort with people is hard when you are not used to it. But you are intelligent and stronger than you think. :)

I had 2 small children and was determined to recover

That determination kept you going and kept you there when faced with abuse and negative emotions. That takes strength. :)

It was congruent with my authentic self.

Is it still not? What was the job?

he has no motivation outside of work. He would care for the kids with instruction, but is quite emotionally unavailable.

Well that is the problem. No wonder the children are all different emotionally and behaviourally. Having someone unemotional around who takes advantage of those more tolerant and conciderant (you) shows them nothing about relationships and equal feelings and respect.

He failed all of you by not being more positive and showing his emotions or trying to understand yours. That is what they have grown to see. That is certainly not all your fault.

I think the kids resented me for this.

Have you asked them about it? There does seem a lack of communication probably based on not being able to be open and honest with each other about feelings, needs and emotions over all this time.

They were teenage girls, one very mean and the other her follower.

Is one like you and one like her father?

They also have their own responsibility for their own actions and the way they think about things and do things.

I have a bad case of the "what ifs".

Oh hun we all get that. It does waste energy though and keeps you focused on the past and how you could have changed it rather than how you can change the present and the future.

So I guess the "what ifs" are related to not trusting myself, my own choices and decisions

Maybe you were never allowed too? It does show things for you to work on though in the present though.

Learning to trust your decisions, making decisions based on your needs as well as considering others and don't be worried about making the wrong choices sometimes. That is how we learn. :)

I guess because I can without failing and yes I enjoy watching them grow and putting the food on the table

That is a good positive thing to do then, how easy it is to make you feel you have achieved something and provided something for the 'table'. That is something you know you can bring to the table eh ;)

I think that part of me does this because if I did not, it would mean that I have totally given up.

Focus on what the other part of you is doing it for :)

It is always because of something that I could not do for them.

Did they expect you to be at their beck and call? I guess they got used to someone just being there with no resistance no matter what. With negative or no emotion or no equal expectations?

I know it is hard to hear but it is very hard to respect someone who does not respect themselves. Given your kids role model of a father who made no attempt to show them that you should be respected and considered and not there just to be a doormat. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I can find no other way of saying it.

However, the result is not your fault totally it is their behaviour that continued and affected the way you felt about yourself. The trauma would not have helped either as this also knocks your confidence and ability to feel you can be strong. They took advantage of that and did not show any care. That definitely says more about they type of people they are and not you.

They are adults now and can make their own minds up about how to behave and treat each other. Maybe they do not really love themselves either. :)

So I am not sure there is anything to work on except myself and not being caught in a triangulation with their father.

Exactly the only thing to work on is yourself. They are adults now. You cannot fix their lives or change them if they do not want it.

I been afraid to say no. I need to practice this in order to put myself first.

Great, do not say yes just to please them or get approval, say yes because you want to do it. If not, or if it is inconvenient then say NO. They might not like to hear this but you still have every right to say it.

If they are used to someone always saying yes they will expect it no matter what. When you say yes for the wrong reasons they loose respect for you and keep demanding more. It is easier for them to find a yes person rather that one they have to consider or negotiate with. That takes emotion and effort.

Saying no makes them consider and respect your needs too. :)

Maybe this is a phase that I need to go through.

Maybe it is. As a child you will learn how to say yes and no and that it is ok to make those decisions based on your own needs first. Otherwise the other people will always be the most important and will think they are. Which is not right and certainly not equal in respect.

I'm still trying to figure out why I made this post here

Maybe you see the link between conditioning and congruence of self. Leaving behind all the threats and judgement of conditioning and acceptance allows you to find yourself better.

It is other peoples behaviour that makes us feel bad about ourselves. So abandon those with that behaviour and find a way that you can be yourself properly and so are accepted more. But also it gives you a start without conditioning or judgement. Maybe?

Personality Suicide

Did this! Was the best thing ever. I guess I was not strong enough to stand up to those who made me feel bad about myself. I realised it was their behaviour and until I got away I could never feel safe enough just to be myself. If that makes sense. I guess I gave up fighting them and moved on to better places. Nothing wrong with that. In the end it was just what I needed. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[JustBe]

Lately it feels as though the apathy is lifting a little bit. The dogs are a big part of that and get me out of bed and out of the house by being silly. It also helps that the humidity is down a bit. The weather is a little cooler and more refreshing.

 

[mamachick]

Glad to hear that movinOn. Thank goodness for our dogs...

 

[heidi]

If I drew a chart of my concerns so many of my former concerns could be labeled... no longer care. It's weird to no longer care about the things that you used to care about. Maybe those things i used to worry about were a source of positive concern. The kind of thing that propels a person. Or maybe they were energy consuming worries.

 

[JustBe]

I agree.;)

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I definitely deal with this. Examples? I LOVE the beach. I live on a peninsula. I go to the beach maybe once a month. There's no time. It might rain. I don't feel like driving the 20 minutes it takes to get there. Or I should text my best friend she's going through some pretty tough times. And I'll text her just after I get a glass of water. Check my email. I have appointments to make and everyday I think oh I need to make that call. And then I don't.

So yes I definitely deal with this. Whether it's things I like doing like going to the beach or things I care a lot about like my best friend. I curl up in a ball on my bed and I wait for the next day to come. Sometimes I go out and do things. Sometimes I watch tv. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I write. But I'm just not feeling really motivated to do things. And when people tell me I should go out and meet people I get really frustrated. I feel like I want to take the 40 ton weight off of my psyche and lay it in their lap and say "there now you know how it feels now you go try".

Like someone else mentioned I too have MDD. I also have GAD. So there are many days where I just don't feel like doing a thing. Or I'm to worried about one thing or another and I isolate in my room wishing I could motivate myself to go to the beach. I find so much peace there.

 

[JustBe]

I hear you. Sounds like my typical day except for the dogs!