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Apologies
- Post starter heidi
- Start date
- Status
In my case, no. I don't think it would help one iota. It would have to come from many people I served with, including the former President Dick Cheney and his V.P. George W. Bush (wich I served for, not with). So'Damned Insane would have to come back from the dead. It would have to be sincere, from the heart, and from an awakened mind and soul as to all the hurt they caused out of simple vanity (their "Legacy"). As for the Pres, and V.P. they would have to apologize in person to EVERYONE they hurt on both sides of the war. As that will never happen....
Water under the bridge...
Jlso111187
Gold Member
I too, am wondering if it would help I have been thinking about it a lot and wondering if that may help me progress in my recovery or will it not matter at all. I am looking forward to others insights on this.
Chincho
Diamond Member
I haven't received an apology, and I don't ever expect to get one.
I don't know the man who abused me as a child.
My parents, who emotionally abused me all my life, and continue to do so, don't have any idea they are abusers; and the times I've tried to talk to any of them, of course I was wrong and it was all my fault.
The only time my mother apologized was two years ago when I told him about the sexual abuse. She had no idea and apologized for it. It didn't help me one bit.
I don't know the man who abused me as a child.
My parents, who emotionally abused me all my life, and continue to do so, don't have any idea they are abusers; and the times I've tried to talk to any of them, of course I was wrong and it was all my fault.
The only time my mother apologized was two years ago when I told him about the sexual abuse. She had no idea and apologized for it. It didn't help me one bit.
P
p-no
When my main abuser, my mother, had died and I cleaned out her house, I found letters from her to some family members. She did not (!) actually write them for them, but for herself, which was part of an attempt to heal her cancer by doing soul work (long story... she had fallen for a so-called "spiritual healer" who is known throughout the world for a fake, etc.). Anyway, there they were and one was addressed to me.
Yes, it was an apology and it showed very clearly that she indeed had the capacity of empathy and compassion, but said herself that she had to become terminally ill with cancer to see what she had done to me. The letter is about 5 pages long and contains some things she had come to see finally.
Her "seeing me" and expressing that did a lot of good for me and still does when I read the letter. But, what it cannot do and will not do ever is change the relationship we had; she hasn't become more of a mother to me, not even in my imagination, plus it is one letter, and not even written with me in mind, but with herself in mind. I do see that as well. I do think, from the way she wrote, that it was partly for me, but I do not know this. It was part of a notebook which included "spiritual" work to heal from her cancer. I found the "spiritual healer's" "workbook", the letters were corresponding to.
I was abused by that woman every single day of my life until 19 (when I moved out) and 99% of the time after that whenever we communicated. Only in the last few years of her life did it get better, which had to do with her becoming aware her own abusive history (we talked about this once).
My cousin, whose mother (my mother's sister) abused her also every day of her life, until this day when they communicate) envied me very, very much. It depressed her greatly that I had gotten this from my mother. At least one letter, she said. At least you know she has come to some understanding. Her own mother has been drunk, on drugs and on prescription medication as long as I can remember back, and I'm the older one of my cousin and I. Her mother couldn't even see those things anymore because she has killed many of her brain cells with all the substance abuse. My cousin was aware of this.
I am saying all this because I do understand my cousin's view and that of others who didn't get such a letter/apology. But it is not correct. "Some understanding" does not make up for any of the abuse. It does not heal you. It does not make the PTSD any better/easier. It does not change your relationship necessarily. One letter is what it is, one letter. So, this is more than nothing, I agree, but not a lot more. Does it sometimes pick me up? Yes. Does it put me back down again when I see her later work (corrections, changes with regard to workbook questions) on top of the original letter in different color? Yes. Was it for me? No. Not primarily. Did she take the opportunity when she was still alive? No. Did she give me a chance to react to it? No.
Of course, this goes for my letter and my situation.
There is no general answer to your questions. It seems to me that my mother wrote that letter with love for me. That does reach me and touch me. But there are the other truths as well, as I mentioned. What would have helped me would have been facing me with that load she put upon me and actively dealing with it. Meaning, writing that letter to me when there was still the possibility to communicate, to react, to share, to see her and get my own impression of how much she had come to understand of how much it was with me in mind, and changing our relationship, not into a mother-daughter one, it was too late already by then. But to make it better, to arrive in the present in some way good for both.
Still, I am grateful for that one letter I got. I found when I read it first that it gave me one root (thinking of children being a tree needing roots to be able to grow strong) that found its way into the earth. One root is not enough though, but it is one root and therefore not nothing.
Yes, it was an apology and it showed very clearly that she indeed had the capacity of empathy and compassion, but said herself that she had to become terminally ill with cancer to see what she had done to me. The letter is about 5 pages long and contains some things she had come to see finally.
Her "seeing me" and expressing that did a lot of good for me and still does when I read the letter. But, what it cannot do and will not do ever is change the relationship we had; she hasn't become more of a mother to me, not even in my imagination, plus it is one letter, and not even written with me in mind, but with herself in mind. I do see that as well. I do think, from the way she wrote, that it was partly for me, but I do not know this. It was part of a notebook which included "spiritual" work to heal from her cancer. I found the "spiritual healer's" "workbook", the letters were corresponding to.
I was abused by that woman every single day of my life until 19 (when I moved out) and 99% of the time after that whenever we communicated. Only in the last few years of her life did it get better, which had to do with her becoming aware her own abusive history (we talked about this once).
My cousin, whose mother (my mother's sister) abused her also every day of her life, until this day when they communicate) envied me very, very much. It depressed her greatly that I had gotten this from my mother. At least one letter, she said. At least you know she has come to some understanding. Her own mother has been drunk, on drugs and on prescription medication as long as I can remember back, and I'm the older one of my cousin and I. Her mother couldn't even see those things anymore because she has killed many of her brain cells with all the substance abuse. My cousin was aware of this.
I am saying all this because I do understand my cousin's view and that of others who didn't get such a letter/apology. But it is not correct. "Some understanding" does not make up for any of the abuse. It does not heal you. It does not make the PTSD any better/easier. It does not change your relationship necessarily. One letter is what it is, one letter. So, this is more than nothing, I agree, but not a lot more. Does it sometimes pick me up? Yes. Does it put me back down again when I see her later work (corrections, changes with regard to workbook questions) on top of the original letter in different color? Yes. Was it for me? No. Not primarily. Did she take the opportunity when she was still alive? No. Did she give me a chance to react to it? No.
Of course, this goes for my letter and my situation.
There is no general answer to your questions. It seems to me that my mother wrote that letter with love for me. That does reach me and touch me. But there are the other truths as well, as I mentioned. What would have helped me would have been facing me with that load she put upon me and actively dealing with it. Meaning, writing that letter to me when there was still the possibility to communicate, to react, to share, to see her and get my own impression of how much she had come to understand of how much it was with me in mind, and changing our relationship, not into a mother-daughter one, it was too late already by then. But to make it better, to arrive in the present in some way good for both.
Still, I am grateful for that one letter I got. I found when I read it first that it gave me one root (thinking of children being a tree needing roots to be able to grow strong) that found its way into the earth. One root is not enough though, but it is one root and therefore not nothing.
HI
I never got an apology of any kind. Previously I thought I wanted one and that would make it better. However, by not apologising it reinforced my views of them as people. The type of people who will not accept their responsibilities or their part in the abuse.
I found that by accepting that they were that type of person it took the self blame and hatred away. I made the decision to not pursue and apology but to move forward in the knowledge that I am the better and good person and that I will not let people like this make me feel bad about myself by shifting blame and showing contempt towards me when deep down I know I am a good person with morals and integrity and I have the maturity and humanity to apologies when warranted.
Unfortunately for a lot of people, the manipulations of those who refuse to apologise still manage to make the abused feel guilty or worthless because of it. What does that say about the state of the abusers mind and thoughts in general.
There is no surprise really in not getting an apology from that type of person.
Best wishes
Saffy :)
I never got an apology of any kind. Previously I thought I wanted one and that would make it better. However, by not apologising it reinforced my views of them as people. The type of people who will not accept their responsibilities or their part in the abuse.
I found that by accepting that they were that type of person it took the self blame and hatred away. I made the decision to not pursue and apology but to move forward in the knowledge that I am the better and good person and that I will not let people like this make me feel bad about myself by shifting blame and showing contempt towards me when deep down I know I am a good person with morals and integrity and I have the maturity and humanity to apologies when warranted.
Unfortunately for a lot of people, the manipulations of those who refuse to apologise still manage to make the abused feel guilty or worthless because of it. What does that say about the state of the abusers mind and thoughts in general.
There is no surprise really in not getting an apology from that type of person.
Best wishes
Saffy :)
D
Deleted member 1860
I think you also need to be concerned with the opposite.
What if you seek that apology and you're denied. Or even laughed at. How would that make things worse? Could it derail your healing?
I said something along the lines of "you don't even care" to my abusive mom (in relation to her alcoholism affecting me as a child) and she just laughed in my face. I guess in a way I was seeking an apology or acknowledgement at the very least. It really ticked me off at the time, but now I see it as another action which solidifies my conclusion that she's toxic to me and can't be a part of my life.
But, you may get healing. I didn't ask for an apology from my dad but he gave one anyway. Ok so maybe it was precipitated by all the accusations about how my parents made my childhood crappy, but this time I wasn't looking for an apology. I was looking to clear the air and just walk away. In this case it helped.
My other abuser is dead to me. An apology wouldn't affect me one way or the other.
What if you seek that apology and you're denied. Or even laughed at. How would that make things worse? Could it derail your healing?
I said something along the lines of "you don't even care" to my abusive mom (in relation to her alcoholism affecting me as a child) and she just laughed in my face. I guess in a way I was seeking an apology or acknowledgement at the very least. It really ticked me off at the time, but now I see it as another action which solidifies my conclusion that she's toxic to me and can't be a part of my life.
But, you may get healing. I didn't ask for an apology from my dad but he gave one anyway. Ok so maybe it was precipitated by all the accusations about how my parents made my childhood crappy, but this time I wasn't looking for an apology. I was looking to clear the air and just walk away. In this case it helped.
My other abuser is dead to me. An apology wouldn't affect me one way or the other.
therapybankrupt
Diamond Member
This would be my fear! And probably the case from most of my abusers. The damage is done I do not think I would buy it either.
My sister and I did get a rather tearful apology from our uncle. We were always told that the war messed him up and he was crazy. So when he apologized he knew what he was doing all those times he would grope us and kiss all over us. He apologized shortly after the doctors told him he didn't have long to live. He died about a month later. My sister and I still talk about that day at my dad's dining room table watching him sob. He had gone to church every Sunday too so we figured it was his way to make it right with God. But he knew what he was doing was wrong when he was molesting little girls. It is hard to comprehend.
HI SoL
I actually did try and wrote a letter trying to get things on a more positive note, they refused to answer my letter. For me it was closure. I could move on. I could shut that door of trying to make them behave differently towards me or trying to get an apology off them when they are just not capable of understanding what they did let alone apologising for it.
I tried my part and they again showed their contempt for me by ignoring my efforts. That is because of the type of people they are. Not me.
It paved the way for me to move on because I realised that I did not want these type of people in my life any more and I am not going to keep beating myself up over people who think and behave like this either.
I also realised what type of person that made me and I like that person much more than I hated her. :) I liked my qualities, they are nothing like theirs. I like my attitude which is much better than theirs and I I know I am honest and have integrity. So I am not a bad person after all. They are and I can walk away from that, I have the power.
I think that apologies should be honest and sincere otherwise they are pointless. However even if you get a a sincere apology it will still come down to you being able to forgive and move on.
Does the apology mean that they have acknowledged what they have done? What if they acknowledge what they have done but are not sorry for it? What if they know what they did but there is no amount of apologies that will make up for it?
What does getting an apology mean to you?
Best wishes
Saffy
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