Appearing So Brave But Yet So Broken

[Kai.Smith90]

As well as having PTSD I have been recently diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) Which safe to say have worsened things. In 2009 after the fire I was in I jumped into the media circle... I done media stories on disfigurement accepting whats happened and appearing so strong and brave, never in any article was struggle mentioned. It started a vicious cycle I used the girl in the media (not deep down me) as a coping mechanism, at that time I didnt realise I was climbing into a deadly circle which would not just convince the public, my family but eventually me. 5 years promoting against discrimination, showing strength, taking on judgemental people.... and after recently being diagnosed with BPD along with my PTSD I realised over the 5 years every job I aimed for had like a label or a uniform I seeked not recognition but to belong , belong to a group. Only in the last couple of months have I recognised what I did to cope and had to come to the realisation I put an act on one to cope and the two I carried it on for so long I couldnt retract. I was stuck. And it worsened my condition. OK so now I realise it im in treatment with a specialist psychologist who deals with people who have both PTSD & BPD. But even now its hard not to slip back into a coping character. I completely understand why people who know me so well are completely baffled that i managed to convince them I was doing tremedously well I even convinced myself. But in Jan this year it was time to face reality and its not pretty. I had been treated with CBT which in turn according to all 3 specialist worsened my symptoms due to the two disorders being very difficult to deal with in one person. So now I receive EMDR and treatment for my BPD on the side.

Its now 4:35am I am wide awake.... 5 years ago after the trauma... I have had a horrendous fear that I am constantly at risk... wither it be in a car crash, going to get murdered etc.. I have these thoughts a lot. and right now I dont mean to be crude but I need the toilet and I feel so stupid :( I will not get up and leave my room incase well right now my thought is a masked man might be at the window etc... I know its crazy but at the moment these thoughts are extremely difficult to deal with... I will post a poll asking since your trauma do you feel at risk of another unrelated trauma.....

Since the main trauma in 2009, I have since then suffered an attack (sexual) and then late in 2013 stalking which all dont help matters , just to clarify the attack and stalkers have been dealt with by the police but... Right now telling you I think theres someone outside my door... im part laughing part crying because I feel so stupid, cause I know its stupid yet im so scared.

Part of BPD & my PTSD is the fear of trauma.... but more so for the BPD is the fear of being abandoned left alone and that also scares me... at night I cant sleep in fear of someone harming my family.... but since this is a trauma diary I will wait till that comes into mind before discussing it in detail...

Anyway mad as it is... thats my mind right now... still need the toilet still terrified.
Thank you for being here for me.

Kai xox

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there Kai -

Well first congratulations for being as brave as you are first to put on the front to make it through the traumas and now to have the courage to deal with them.

I know what you mean about fear - it can really debilitate you. I have been working on letting go of my fear in the last year and what helped me is to keep remembering that we fear what might happen - for me fear is always in the future tense.

What has helped me is working on being present in the moment so when I feel fear well up inside me, I have learned to be able to ask myself, am I okey right this moment. And if the answer is yes, then I can let go of the fear sometimes even just for a moment and get some relief.

I rejoice in your strength and wish you great peace.

Laurie

 

[nomedic1]

Welcome Kai

 

[Sorrento]

Hi There Kai.
I hope you find some good strategies working with your psych. Take care.

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome.

I have gone thru periods where it didn't feel "safe" out there - beyond my apartment- even though I knew it was. Even periods where I wouldn't want to get off the couch and go to the john, not because I thought something could happen so much as it felt safer not to move. Quite uncomfortable!

Therapy (somatic) has helped, but also grounding, mindful meditation and physical workouts. More than these, but those are the biggies.

You aren't alone in how you feel.

 

[Kai.Smith90]

Thanks @nomedic1 , @Sorrento. Thanks so much again @Laurie McLaughlin & @franciemarnie so glad to know im not alone although of course its a horrible situation to be in x

 

[Sorrento]

One thing that helped me was re building myself through doing lots things I enjoyed (pre- trauma).
I didn't have a plan but after a long time this is what I thought helped. At first doing the activities wasn't enjoyable. No smile, no nice feeling. But I continued.

After a couple of years I could 'feel' like I had re built some of myself I visualised it like bricks being laid with cement, going up and up. One brick at a time, I placed them there. So I rebuilt myself, which means the damaged self is still there, but the re built person will look after the damaged one most of the time.

 

[billie]

Hi @kai, yep fear sucks big time. Welcome, I wish it was on better terms. x

 

[broken brain]

Welcome!! I suffer with both C-PTSD and BPD and I know all too well what it feels like to hide behind a facade. What people see and what I portray are soo far from who I feel like I am, and sometimes I feel like fraud for fooling so many into thinking I'm so strong. Good luck with your treatment (my therapist is amazing and deals with both trauma and BPD). I hope you can feel settled in your own skin, for that's all I really want.

 

[Kai.Smith90]

Thank you so much everyone @broken brain its so nice to know im not alone & yes I do also @billie thank you @Sorrento I did used to love singing sadly I can no longer do it due to vocal injury but I enjoy keeping fit xx